Monday, March 26, 2007

The reality has set in.....

I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually miss being pregnant and I've been feeling a little depressed about it. The reality has set in that I'll never be pregnant again and now I really wish I had spent more time towards the end of this last pregnancy enjoying it more. But it's so hard to enjoy it when you feel bigger than a house, have to pee every 10 minutes and you can't sleep more than 30 minutes in a row. Towards the end, I was so tired of the trips to L&D that I just wanted to deliver already....but now it's over and I wish so much that it hadn't ended so quickly. I think what has brought on these feelings is everytime I visit the NICU to see Garrett, I end up running into a pregnant woman going to L&D to deliver....every single time!! I actually feel envious....yes, that's very weird. And I think part of the issue is the finality of it all....I had my tubes tied so there's no chance of it ever happening again. I'm sure all the feelings I'm having are very natural....

I have some good news....Garrett's feeding tube was removed yesterday!!! Yeah!! He's doing so well with his bottle feedings that they increased the amount he's taking and he no longer needs the tube for feedings. And he now weighs 4 lbs, 4 oz!! The next step is for him to move up to feedings every 4 hours instead of every 3 hours. The nurse today said the dr may do an order for that tomorrow but they'll have to see how he tolerates the increase in volume first. And if he does well, they'll space his feedings out. I gave her Landon's feeding schedule so hopefully once he moves to 4-hr feedings, they'll be on the same exact schedule, making our lives easier when he does come home. I have a feeling he'll be home by the weekend!!

When I was holding him the other day, I was rubbing his back and his little shirt came up and I saw a tiny red spot on his back. So I asked the nurse if someone had accidentally marked him with red marker and she said no. I asked the dr about it and he said "oh, it's a flat hemangioma".....all I could think about was everything Bella had been through with her hemangioma. But he said the fact that it's still very small (no bigger than a pencil eraser) and it's very flat (not raised like Bella's was) is encouraging...we just have to keep an eye on it. What are the chances that 2 of my kids would have hemangiomas???? I just pray that Garrett's will stay small and flat and not turn out to be what Bella dealt with with hers.

Landon's doing well...he was starting to wake up before his feedings and get a little fussy so we increased the amount he's eating from 55 cc's to about 58 cc's and that seems to be making a difference. He's able to stay awake longer between feedings and it's so much fun watching him look around at everything. I wonder what he must be thinking...probably "this is my home? It's a total pigstye".

Cole and Bella, on the other hand, have turned into holy terrors. I keep telling Tim I think it's b/c Landon's home and they're having to share our attention but he doesn't agree. Bella cries about everything (just like me!!) and she's been telling us "no" to everything and tries to hit us. Cole just walks around pretending he's deaf and he can't a word we're saying to him. Yesterday, they wanted to go to the park and they didn't really deserve to go but the thought of staying indoors for hours with them until dinner didn't seem too appealing so we went ahead and took them. They burnt off some energy and we got some fresh air and Landon slept through the whole was a good way to spend the afternoon. I'm not quite sure how things will go on Thursday when Cole and Bella don't have school and Tim has to work and I'll be on my own with all the kids. I keep telling myself that it won't be too difficult...we'll just stick to our regular routine and see how things go. If the kids seem antsy, I may take them to story time at the library and just have Landon hang out in his carseat...if I'm brave enough.....

Well, it's almost time for Landon's next feeding and then I have to pump some more milk....I have to say I'll be a little relieved once Garrett is out of the NICU and I won't have so much pressure to pump and breastfeed. Every day I'm at the NICU, at least one of the nurses comes up to me and asks me how it's going and today one of them asked how much milk I'm getting now and I said "usually anywhere from 3-4 ounces in a 24-hour period" and she looked surprised and said "you should have more than that...are you sure you're doing everything possible to increase your supply?"....I wanted to smack her. I know they are just trying to be encouraging but it's pressure I don't need right now. Yes, I'm doing everything I can do....I pump every 2-3 hours during the day (usually I get enough sessions in during the day to skip the night pumping), I drink tons of water, I'm taking fenugreek and Mother's milk tea, I'm resting, I'm massaging my boobs so often that I think I've felt myself up more often in the last few weeks than Tim has this last year.....if 3-4 ounces is all I'm gonna get, I'm happy with that. At least it's something....better than no breast milk at all.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Helene,

It's Jennifer (MiracleGirl from TTC). I just wanted to congratulate you on the twins, they are gorgeous. I'm so glad they're doing so well.

And also wanted to tell you, Caroline has a flat hemangioma, about the size of a pencil eraser too (but kinda heart-shaped). We were always told it would eventually fade away and disappear, but it hasn't. I know you're concerned because of Bella's arm, but if it starts out small like that and doesn't grow, it won't be a problem. The weird thing is, because we lost a twin with my pregnancy with Caroline, I kinda like to think of this little heart on her back as a reminder of the little brother/sister she once had. (Okay, I said it was weird!)

I also hear you on the PG part... we are SO done, and this last birth was so horrific on my body I'm afraid certain organs would fall out permanently, but I still kinda go "awwww..." when I see a preggo. Guess we'll never get over it.

Take care Helene!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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