Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Holy freakin spiders...

Cole and Bella were at preschool the other day...the little twins were playing nicely in the family room together, which I just have to say melts my heart to finally see them playing together. Without Cole and Bella here to boss them around, they are finally seeing each other as buddies and playmates. They feed each other snacks, they hug all the time and they chase one another all over the house. They even talk to each other in only a language they seem to understand.

Anyway, I was walking into the kitchen to clean the dishes from breakfast and this is what I saw:


Yeah, holy freakin spiders....the Mother of all spiders. I'm thinking this has to be a black widow or some wierd breed of spiders I've never heard of. It totally reminded me of a friend of mine who lives in TN and has problems with brown recluse spiders, which I think are the kind that literally jump at you. All I know is looking at this thing made me want to puke.

I grabbed the camera so I could take a picture of it so I could get a closer look at it....no freakin way was I gonna go anywhere near it and take a chance on it lunging at me, digging its fangs into my jugular vein and sucking the life force outta me. So I can be a little dramatic sometimes. I was also concerned about Garrett or Landon going up to it and trying to poke it with their fingers..."ooooh look Mommy a big hairy ugly spider with huge fangs....can we keep it for a pet?"

Okay, so you know when you stare at something long enough, you start to think you see it moving? I could've sworn I saw this horrible creature move its legs. And then I notice, as much as I strain my eyes to see, that it has funky white spots on its arms and back. Now I'm thinking "what the f**k is this thing??!!" and how the hell did it get in my kitchen....and, mostly, does it have little white-spotted babies somewhere in my house, perhaps under the oven, where I've been cooking dinner every single night with bare feet?

I'm practically in meltdown mode by this point. All I know is I want this spider gone....outta my house....dead....somewhere, anywhere but my kitchen. I have such a phobia of spiders and I seriously want to puke everytime I look at it. For a minute, I consider either calling our exterminator or going next door and seeing if my retired neighbor would like to take a look at it..."hey, wanna come into my kitchen and see this really cool spider? Oh and by the way, could you take it with you when you leave?"

Alright, time to suck it up and get closer to it and try to capture it. My plan was to trap it under a glass because I figured if I tried to smush it with a paper towel, it may try to run back under the oven. There is NO freakin way I'd be able to sleep in this house knowing that the Mother of All Spiders is lurking in my house somewhere. I'd sooner check myself and the kids into a hotel than sleep here....Tim can do what he wants but I'm so outta here.

I take a few steps forward and notice the spider doesn't move. It's just sitting there, staring me down (okay, it wasn't really staring me down but for the sake of being dramatic....oh alright, overdramatic....let's leave it at that). Then Landon walks up behind me, spots the spider, points to it and shrieks "uh, uh, uh"....so now I know I gotta just get rid of this thing...

I run up to it and get ready to slam the glass down over it but it doesn't move at all. Now I'm totally freaked out, thinking it's waiting for that perfect moment to jump on me and sink its fangs deep into my skin (as if spiders are really that evil and calculating but again for the sake of being overdramatic...)

Once I managed to get the glass over it, I looked closer (but too close....) and I realized the darn thing is FAKE!! Not real!! Made out of rubber!! God, how stupid did I feel? I must have wasted a good 15 minutes freaking out over this fake spider! But seriously, look at this thing....even close up, doesn't it look real? And totally creepy??


Apparently, this spider is one of many in Cole's collection of creepy, crawly, rubber spiders....he just happened to leave this one in the kitchen and at some point it got kicked over to the stove, where it looked believably as if it had just started to crawl out from under the stove. He did the same thing to me a few months ago when Tim bought him some rubber lizards and he left a few of them out one day. I saw Landon walking around with something wierd in his mouth....with a tail....and for a minute, I thought he actually had a real lizard in his mouth. Here's a pic....



Cole and his fake creepy crawlies....ugh! He's all boy, that's for sure. I wonder what God was thinking when he made me the mother to 3 boys....I really wonder.

13 comments:

Elizabeth Channel said...

Only because I am the brunt of similar jokes daily am I able to laugh at your predicament!

My boys put rubber snakes in all sorts of realistic situations...like in the shrubs near the sidewalk where elderly babysitters walk and are frightened.

Just wait! It's about to get real interesting around your house. (As if it's not already!!!)

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

I am not afraid of spiders, but this would have freaked me right out!!!

Mary said...

Just reading your story had me freaked out! You poor mom. Though I've never seen a white spotted spider before! BTW, you'll be my first featured mommy blogger this Friday.

IAmDenise said...

Oh Helene I feel for your pain, I hate spiders and when I saw the first picture I thought holy cow that is one big a$$ spider... I am glad it was fake..
I had to laugh oh man I do think you need to make a post daily it makes me laugh!

Janine said...

Hilarious! My children also have very realistic-looking toys. One is a gecko - do you get those where you live? I never fail to jump when I see it.

Supermom said...

OMG!! I would have wet my pants as I ran away screaming!!
I am glad it was fake! I know you were too!

Supermom said...

OMG!! I would have wet my pants as I ran away screaming!!
I am glad it was fake! I know you were too!

motheringmymiraclemultiples said...

your description made my skin crawl. I HATE SPIDERS. I hate ALL BUGS!!! But wow....what a funny story.

Kim said...

Why do you do this to me?? WHY??!! Gross! I hate spiders . . . thank goodness it turned out to be fake. Still. My heart is pounding and I think I feel a little sick.

Your story is exactly why I live in Alaska! No snakes and no spiders (I mean the scary kind--I can handle daddy longlegs, but tarantulas would literally send me into a catatonic state).

Caroline said...

That is too funny. I have had the same thing happen in the kids bathroom - but the spider was real! EEKS! Frigging Florida for you. Anyway, I try to keep cool about the creepy crawly factor with my boys but its really reeeeeeally hard!

Joy said...

That is so funny! I'm a spider hater too. The other night I was sitting on my couch and one webbed down right in front of my face. I screamed and my 7 year old ran out to try and save me LOL

Cathy said...

I would have too been running and screaming, lol!

Jen said...

I am cracking up at this post! You are so funny...whether you mean to be or not.

Don't ever move to Florida...I've seen spiders the size of my hand...and I've had to kill them! Not fun...but necessary sometimes.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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