Friday, September 19, 2008

Well, now, doesn't that put things into perspective?

So the little twins are napping, while Cole lays on the sofa watching a Thomas the Train video and Bella is running around the house with only pants on....hey, she's being quiet so who am I to disturb her?

I've been meaning to take some time to backup my blog so I did that and then I went to backup another online diary that I kept awhile ago, right after the little twins were born. I got caught up in reading it and found myself in a mixture of giggles and tears. While it was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, it was also the most challenging time in my life. Juggling 2 newborns, one with gas issues and one with reflux issues, and 2 toddlers who were in the midst of potty training was enough to send me over the edge on a daily basis. There were days that I thought "I just cannot survive another day". But then I would read an entry where I wrote a funny conversation that Cole and Bella had and I remember that that was what kept me going at the time (well, that and the Wellbutrin...). Reading these two particularly entries made me feel sad for how I was feeling at the time....


"The last couple weeks have been kind of a blur....I guess you could say things just spun out of control and I couldn't do anything about it. I was crying all the time and I could just barely function...seriously, just keeping my head above water but just barely. Using that same metaphor, I can now understand why people drown...you'd think that being stuck out in the water, you'd just keep paddling and you'd find some way to survive, that your adrenaline would just keep you pumping until you finally reached the shore. But now I can see how after awhile of paddling and trying to stay above the water, a person would finally just lose the will to survive...they just simply give up and accept their fate and simply slip under the water. That's how I feel.... "

and


"I'm counting down the hours until Rhiannon, our babysitter, comes over at 4:00 today....everytime the phone rings, I pray to God it's not her calling to say she can't come. I feel like a horrible mother....I've come to realize between having Julie and Rhiannon helping with the kids that I actually enjoy my time away from them more than I enjoy my time with them. I'll play with them and entertain them but I'm watching the clock the whole time, just counting down the minutes until I'm "rescued" from my childcare responsibilities. It's crazy to me too b/c when Cole and Bella were this age, I was totally loving how much fun they were....I couldn't get enough of them. I actually craved being with them...I waited anxiously for them to wake up from their naps so I could play with them. But I also was getting a whole lot more sleep back then....I'm sucking down iced tea and mochas like they're going out of style and it's not helping to keep me from being tired. They say not to mix antidepressants and caffeine....that's a joke....no amount of Wellbutrin and caffeine is gonna help me from feeling tired. How long can a person be sleep deprived before they finally just fall asleep in the middle of eating dinner??? One of these days will I get in my car to go to the store and fall asleep while sitting at a red light?? Could I be arrested for that? And how sad is it that the thought of being arrested for falling asleep in my car at a red light sounds completely enticing....I could get plenty of rest on the dirty, cold floor of a stinky jail cell without a problem, mainly b/c I won't be woken by the cries of babies or woken by 2 toddlers who swear they have to pee again after they've just peed 10 minutes ago. I hear their cries even when they aren't crying....why do they cry so much when they should be sleeping? Have I done something wrong? Where did I go astray?


But this next entry made me smile....I remember having this conversation with my neighbor. He happened to bump into me one day in which I was having a very challenging day with the kids. It was one of those days where I was wishing the days, months and years would go by quickly in the hopes that things may get easier. What he said to me that day really helped put things into perspective....I would often go over that conversation in my head over and over, reminding myself that this too shall pass. Yes, things may have been hard...yes, there were days where I felt like it would be easier to just pack my things up and run far away....yes, there were days where I would cry myself to sleep in complete exhaustion and hope the next day would be easier. But this conversation helps me to remember that these days are not to be wished away or rushed through. They are to be treasured for every single minute, the good and the bad.

"The lack of sleep is still hard though....there are days when I'm trying my best to be patient with the kids or not to throw my hands in the air and tell Cole and Bella "fine, throw your food all over the floor...I don't care". There are days where I'm still truly overwhelmed.....well, geez, I think every day of the rest of my life is gonna feel like that. I took the babies for a walk about 3 weeks ago and I bumped into my neighbor who has teenage girls. He asked how I was doing and I said "well, honestly, I can't wait until all my kids are the ages that your girls are...life will be so much easier" and he laughed for a long time. Then he said "how do you think life will be easier?" and I said "well for one thing, I'll be able to sleep 8 hours straight at night without having to get up with a crying baby...I won't have to do every little thing for them anymore b/c they'll be capable of doing it on their own..." and then he cut me off and said "sorry to be an a$$hole but let me tell you....it never gets easier. Just b/c they're not babies anymore doesn't mean you won't lose sleep....you'll lay in bed wide awake staring at the clock when you know they're out with their friends on a Saturday night and you won't sleep peacefully until they're all home and safe in bed. When they're out late at night and the phone rings, your heart will stop for a minute as you pray that it's not someone calling to tell you your child's been in a horrible accident. And all those things you look forward to not doing anymore, like giving them a bath and having to cut up their food...well, you'll wish those days of simplicity were here again as you're fighting with Bella about a short skirt she insists on wearing, or when Cole goes through a stage where he doesn't want to shower. Right now, you are the center of their universe...they are in awe of you as their parent, your word is the only word they know so they can't argue with you on anything. They believe whatever you tell them...if you tell them the moon is made of green cheese, they believe it. So I look at you and I wish so much that my girls were young again...it just seemed so much simpler then". I didn't even know what to say to that...honestly, it gave me chills just to think about it. So then I realized that the minute I became a parent, life changed for me, regardless of whether I wanted it to or not. Every day will be overwhelming, there will always be worries about something, I'll always fear for their health and safety, even when they're grown adults with their own families. And I'll probably do the same exact thing my neighbor did...I'll see a mother with her young children, looking tired and worn out, and I'll wish my kids were that age again. It's hard to imagine that now but I know that day will come. "

And on that note, I think I'm gonna go give my kids a hug and a kiss....

15 comments:

Angela Moore said...

That post made me cry! I'm sitting here, at first annoyed that my son is up this early because now I can't be as focused. But now, I think I'm going to turn off the laptop and go snuggle with him while he watches his movie.

Julie Roads said...

Hi there - amazing post. Been there, felt that. Especially the guilt of wanting my own time. I also had a miscarriage, the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me, and, well, we almost have twins...I'm married to a woman and we both carried at the same time. They're 7 months apart, but you can't tell - you know how the older one is slower to walk and talk, etc and the younger one is much faster - so they're on fairly equal footing. It's nuts, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thanks for being so honest and real...your experiences truly inspire the rest of us...keep writing!!!

motheringmymiraclemultiples said...

You are truly a great woman. I don't know how you did it, but you give me hope that things are going to be okay in my little corner f the world. Somedays go by and I know that I should be enjoying my time with the twins more than I really am. I am trying to not feel guilty about it. The first few weeks were a blur and then the first few months were a blur...the time is slipping away and I feel like I am missing something. I always thought that motherhood would be different....

Teresa said...

I SOOOO understand your feelings at that time, the exhaustion just overtakes your mind. My youngest is 3 and he is my last. I now yearn for that small infant in my arms (did I just write that?) but my brain knows that I would lose my mind in the process. Hug & kiss while you can, soon they will tell you not to!

mrsbear said...

Life with one new baby is challenging, I can't imagine two plus a toddler. It's great that you can look back on those posts and gain some perspective when you're having a rough day. A lack of sleep can do a number on your ability to cope, but you're neighbor was right. It doesn't get any easier, the worries, the difficulties, evolve and change, but at no time does it get easier. Although, there's something to be said for not changing diapers. ;-)

I'm trying to enjoy my youngest, it does seem so often that the time just gets away from us.

Joy said...

I was a faithful reader of your old stuff and could relate to much of what you would write. I am glad you took your thoughts here so I can comment to you though!
I recall these old posts, and as usual I could really relate. Their childhoods fly by and at times I wish them away and I know I will miss these times later in life!
Especially with the new baby...I want to know if he has autism or not so I really do that with him and I REALLY don't want to do this with my (probably last) baby! I was also a big bawl baby while reading this post LOL

Angela Moore said...

I've given you a blogging award!

You can see it here: http://unexpectedart.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-love-getting-things-especially-things.html

newlyweds said...

I understand how you feel to an extent, but I only have 1 set. The exhaustion, responsiblitiy and the feeling like it will never pass. I understand, But then again they will be grown before we know it and it does go so fast. I love your posts.

ParentingPink said...

Awwww! This is so true! Btw, my third daughter had reflux and it was AWFUL! Can't imagine that x2!

It's easy to break down, but isn't it great that our kids know exactly what to say to make us smile? Motherhood rocks!

Tammy Warren said...

I can find a positive. One day when your now children are all grown up...and handling their own children struggles....they will not feel alone. Raising children, especially small ones, is very hard. It test the nerves to the limits. It is great that you have these to go back to and read. It will remind you how far you have come and how thankful you should be today.

Go give em a hug.

Nina said...

Wow! You sounded so exhausted and worn down. Your neighbor had a great point. Everyone is telling me they will be grown before I know it.

Tess said...

Wow. I feel that same way when I look at my two older children. I miss the days when my oldest daughter was little and regret that I had worked so much and spent time with friends when I could've spent time with her.Ok, now I'm bummed! I'm going to spend the whole day with my three year old today! lol

kristi said...

Ugh..I have gone through the no sleep for YEARS. It is hard..don't beat yourself up!

twinmama said...

I can't stopped crying! Your words are so honest, sincere and real. Thanks for posting your experiences and the feelings that you have gone through.

I needed that today. Thank you.

Cathy said...

Made me cry too. Thank for sharing. I'm going to give my little a big hug and kiss when I get home.

Beautiful post!


Have a great weekend.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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