Sunday, February 15, 2009

6 major discoveries I made in the last 72 hours...

1) My mind is constantly in the gutter. Take for instance, this innocent conversation between my two 4-yr olds:

Bella: Cole, give me one your balls.
Cole: No, I need them. I had them first. Go find your own balls to play with.
Bella: I can't find any other ones. Give me one...you need to share.
Cole: NO!! Go away...stop trying to grab them!
Bella: I just want ONE...and then you can play with the other one.
Cole: Fine....here, just take both of them. I'll go use Garrett's balls.
Bella: Mommy, Cole threw his balls at my face.

To which I responded, once I could stop myself from doubling over with laughter, "Cole, you don't throw balls at your sister's face. You could've just handed them to her"....on a silver platter, like your father did the day he married me. Oh shush, I didn't say that last part out loud but I was certainly thinking it.

2) Hot Wheels were invented by the Devil. See this cute little helicopter Hot Wheels that Landon was dying to have?


Sure, it looks innocent at first. But when your child leaves it laying on the floor on its side, in this position:

It can mortally injure you. If you're like me, you'll learn this the hard way....by stepping on it with your bare foot in a very dark room. If you've ever stepped on your child's legos with your bare feet in the middle of the night, I assure you that stepping on a metal Hot Wheels vehicle is much more painful, especially when the sharp point on one of the propellers goes right into your heel. And I mean, right IN to your heel, as in penetrating the skin so the damn Hot Wheels is now attached to you.

3) I'm an even bigger wimp than I thought when it comes to pain and my husband has one of hell of a bizarre sense of humor. After the Hot Wheels was embedded in my foot, I screamed, "Holy F*****G Hell", what did I just step on???" My husband looked at my foot and laughed. He laughed!!! I was in pain and he actually laughed. I don't know why I should be shocked by this...this is the same man who sat in the hospital room with me on a chair next to my bed and munched on a hot meatball sandwich from Subway while I was in pre-term labor with Cole and Bella as I writhed in pain from the contractions that were coming left and right. Every 2 minutes, I would groan in pain and as he would take another bite of his sandwich, he'd say "Sorry, sweetie, that you aren't able to eat anything...but let me know if you need me, okay?"....oh, and then he laughed. He still swears to this day that he didn't realize I was in THAT much pain.

4) I have a tendency to go overboard with the "what if's" in certain situations. Like as my husband removed the Hot Wheels helicopter from the heel of my foot, my foot immediately started bleeding. And I suddenly had images of me being confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Why? Because what if I developed an infection from having this metal propeller jammed into my foot. And what if gangrene then set in and I'd have to have my foot cut off. And
what if we couldn't afford an artificial foot and I'd have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Or what if I get lead poisoning and I die and my poor kids have to go the rest of their life telling people that they lost their mother to an unfortunate helicopter accident....they'd have to make it sound more dramatic than it really was because who would've thought someone could die after stepping on a child's TOY. To which my husband suddenly interrupted me and said, "well, now that's just stupid....we wouldn't be letting our kids play with toys made with lead paint"....I responded with, "Oh no....but we'll let them play with toys with such sharp and dangerous edges that it could actually impale a body part." Lookie here at the result of my mortal injury....


5) The ability to cause someone to feel guilty is a very powerful thing. When I handed my husband his Valentine's Day card, he joked with me and said, "What? No present?" and I responded, "Hmmm, well, let's see....I gave birth to your FOUR children in a period of TWO years...my tummy now jiggles like jello, my boobs look like two fried eggs hanging on nails, and my pelvic floor muscles are still so weak from giving birth two TWO sets of TWINS that everytime I laugh, sneeze, cough or lift one of the kids, I pee in my pants a little....I think that pretty much covers me for the next 10 years' worth of Valentine's Day gifts". What could he say after that? Not much, except to retreat to the family room with his tail tucked between his legs. Where was my Valentine's Day present? Apparently, still sitting in the jewelry case at Macy's.

6) Watching Oprah will only give you nightmares and could possibly destroy your marriage. Sure, I love Oprah. But then she does shows on cheating husbands (did you know that 1 out of every 3 husbands will cheat on their wives?) and I have nightmares for days about it. Every morning I'll wake up and say to Tim, "I had another nightmare that you were cheating on me". He tries to turn it around and says, "does someone have a guilty conscious?". Yeah, right....after taking care of the kids for 10 hours by myself, cooking meals all day and cleaning the house, I actually have the brain power to come up with a fabulous lie like, say, I need to do some grocery shopping at 9:00 at night....and then go to my lover's house and boink him real quick and still get home in time to get in bed by 10:00 so I can do it all over again the next day?? So no more Oprah for me....

41 comments:

Christina said...

WOW! I hate hate hate HATE stepping on toys in the dark! it hurts so bad!

Oh i totally know how you feel about your body....i have had no kids and my body parts look like that...

But happy (late) valentines day!

Yaya said...

Oh my gosh, this post is too funny. Had to laugh myself at the helicopter story!
Oprah=nightmares..too funny!

Laura said...

I am so sorry about your accident! This post totally cracked me up! Maybe your man needs to take the 4 kids and the household chores for a few days and see what "nightmares" he dreams up!! So much for V-Day, huh?

Twisted Serenity said...

*lol* I had the best laugh reading your blog! You just made me evening!

Sharlene said...

My mind is always in the gutter too. It makes the day that much more entertaining

Claroux said...

You are SO freaking funny! I was laughing my butt off the whole time I was reading this! Hysterical!!! Your writing style is GREAT.

Tabbatha Rose said...

OMG Helene you had us rolling with laughter. Im sorry you got hurt but I KNOW how it feels to step on those suckers. Here we have hot wheels and plastic dinosaurs that love to jump out at u in the dark.
I just love ur posts, they give me such a good giggle, in this case uncontrollable laughter with tears running down my face. Thank you so much!!

wife.mom.nurse said...

oooh, I was wondering if that was blood by the toy...oh, gee!
I hate lego for that same reason!

You crack me up!

bonnieearly said...

I didn't get a Valentines gift either. We should get together for lunch and then go buy ourselves something sparkley for all the nice things we do for other people. ;) Sorry about the helicoptor. I already threw both of ours away and cursed the day I bought them. Someone in China is laughing at the "stupid Americans" that have toy helicoptors impaled into their feet.

greedygrace said...

Hee hee hee! I must have a dirty mind, too! Every time my daughter asks "Mommy, where's my blue ball?" I always reply, "You're going to have to talk to your father. I think I gave him some blue balls last night."

My poor child. I need to start saving for the therapy bills!

Tami said...

LOL, the balls on the silver platter is PRICELESS! And true, heh heh.
I loved your post!

Sorry about your foot. I disposed of EVERY SINGLE Lego, and small dinosaur toy my older boys had after the 94 quake here in Northridge Ca. I ran down the hallway, and stepped on a TON of them. Panic, and pain ruled my brain that morning.

Funny no matter how many you pick up, one always gets left behind!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Yup toys are my arch nemisis, they are all out to cut, bruise and make me say very bad words. LOL

I love the confo between the 4 y/o it's so cute and I have the same brain. Heck my 4 y/o is also named Cole. And get this his little girlfriend in school is Bella :)

Stopping by from SITS :)

Daily Momma said...

lol! Glad I;m not the only one in the gutter! Too funny.

The Eadle Family said...

LOL! I found your blog through a friend of mine! I love it!

blueviolet said...

Oh my gosh, your injury is astonishingly severe! ;)

Oh, I wasn't even there during your birth, but I still wanted to kick your hubby in the sandwich face for overlooking your pain. lol

Veronica Lee said...

I totally hate stepping on toys! I love your helicopter story.

Christy said...

Im new to your blog but found it delightfully hilarious! I can so relate to number 6. I think that came straight from my house! LOL

Elizabeth Channel said...

I am so thrilled to see someone else post their own wounding! Now you'll need to do another post in a week so we can see how you are healing. Then if we think you are not healing properly, we can suggest scary medical reasons why you might not be healing appropriately. Sounds fun, eh?

If it makes you feel any better, I got a brand new contacts case for Valentine's Day!

Creative Junkie said...

I am absolutely LOVING your writing style - you crack me up!

I honestly don't think my husband would cheat on me. It would mean multi-tasking and his tunnel vision is so bad, he couldn't multi-task if his life depended on it.

Cheating would just be too confusing for him.

Debbie said...

I just love that conversation about the balls and your imaginary part! That is hysterical.

High Desert Hooker said...

Is that YOUR leg? How the flipping Heck are you so skinny after having TWO SETS OF TWINS. Grumble...Grumble...

By the way, thanks for your comment over at RH - I didn't know my comments weren't working. You saved the day! xo

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Haha, tis the life with multiple multiples...

Carissa(GoodnCrazy) said...

I don't love Oprah, sorry.

But I read a post once where the author stated something about having 'spiritual balls' and I was all.. did he just say that!!

Cheryl Lage said...

You had me at balls. LOVE this post...and that I am not alone in thinking such things! ;)

(Sorry about your injury. Ugh.)

newlyweds said...

Ha Ha, I hate to laugh but how true is all of that. So funny! I love your stories!

Once i had a cheating dream about my hubby also and he said the same thing. Like we have so much time or energy in our day to find someone to cheat with even, ha!

mrsbear said...

Wow, it actually broke the skin. Legos on a barefoot can hobble you for life. Also, stop watching Oprah, it will mess you up for life. I think she mind controls her audience, run while you still have the gift of free thought. Also also, I loved the balls story. I would've LMAO too.

Minxy Mimi said...

OMG!!! That looks like a nasty hole in your foot. I hate stepping on that stuff in the dark. OUCH!!! LOL, girl! Thanks for making me smile today!

Chris said...

LOL! Funny stuff. My mind would have been in the gutter on that one too. They really should put warning lables on those hot wheels toys. They really are hazardous. ;-)

Jenni Jiggety said...

Your number 1 made me laugh and laugh...

And I think you should write an angry letter to Hot Wheels and include a picture of your foot!

Hajar said...

That toy looks LETHAL! *OOOWWWW*

Jennifer said...

Fried eggs hanging on a nail! AAaahahahahaha!

The Kehborn Family said...

I have to say sorry first for what I am about to say cause it is not funny when it happens to you but when I read this I could do nothing but laugh! I think I laugh so hard cause I have 5 boys and so know what you are talking about love reading your post!

TuTu's Bliss said...

You are cracking me up. I laughed so hard at so much that I can't even pick out the funniest part. It was ALL funny!!

Tess said...

I so agree about the Oprah thing. My husband hates when I watch her-hey, that would make a good post-thanks!

Amy T. said...

I feel your pain! Same thing happened to me except the Hotwheel was a tractor and the smoke stack was that part stuck in my foot. I did end up getting an infection and a Tetanus (sp?) shot.

Tina said...

I so could have written some of that! You are too funny.

I so go overboard with the what ifs on a daily basis. So much that I give my self small panic attacks! I thought I was the only one, glad to know I am not.

I hated that oprah show. I too had nightmares and freaked out thinking he may cheat. I hate feeling that way but it is possible and scary as hell!

Rhonda said...

This cracks me up. I am accused of forming an uprising of sorts with all my sister in laws. I have a bad habit of saying when put on the "reversal of guilt" spot by my husband, "I gave birth...what more do you want?" All my sister in laws say it now too and my brother in laws accuse me of causing mutiny on the bounty.

Great blog and I enjoy visiting.

Fearless Mom said...

you and your husband are so funny. he is lucky you ever agreed to go on that blind date!

Lana said...

Ugh! I feel your foot pain! I have had my fair share of EARINGS going into the soft part of my foot. That pain that radiates up your body and makes you want to puke. I shudder for your feet.

Julie said...

Just discovered your blog today and it's amazing!

Legos are the worst to step on.

rocketgurl said...

I realize that this was posted in Feb., but I just learned of yoru site.

OMG!! I just cried laughing at the ball conversation.. LOL.. I guess I have a gutter mind, but that exchange was hilarious!!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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