Monday, February 9, 2009

Presenting "Just another day at the Pediatrician's Office"

"Just Another Day at the Pediatrician's Office"

Act 1, Scene 1....

Mother walks in to pediatrician's office with her 4 children. She registers one of her children with the receptionist, pays her $10.00 co-pay and then looks for a place to sit down in the crowded waiting room. She finally finds 5 chairs in a corner of the room and she tells her children to sit down and stay put.

Lady next to the Mother: Excuse me, are they all yours?
Mother: Yes, they're all mine.
Lady: Is it TWO sets of twins?
Mother: Yes, two sets of twins
Lady: Wow, that's rare, isn't it?

Mother smiles at the lady and then realizes her children are not next to her. Mother overhears the lady next to her lean over to what looks like her husband and whispers, "she has two sets of twins...can you believe that?". Mother thinks to herself that last time she checked, it wasn't a crime to have two sets of twins.

Mother sees all 4 of her children running around the waiting room like a bunch of wild maniacs and shakes her head in pity wondering how the other parents in the waiting room got their kids to sit still in their chairs. The sick child starts wheezing and the Mother says, between gritted teeth, "All of you....sit down will only be a few more the meantime, let's read some books". The mother pulls out some books from the diaper bag that she brought along. She pretends they're all paying attention.

Act 1, Scene 2:

We find the Mother and her 4 children in the hallway of the pediatrician's office. Sick child is getting weighed and having his temperature taken. Two of the children ask the nurse why they can't be weighed, why can't they have their temperature taken....they cry. Nurse says "I don't see many kids who enjoy this process". Mother nods her head in agreement that there is just something a little off with her kids.

Act 1, Scene 3:

Nurse shows Mother and her 4 children to the room where sick child will be seen by pediatrician. Nurse leaves the room. Child #1 is trying to access the computer in the room, Child #2 has just discovered how to get the lid off of the hazardous material garbage can, Child #3 is eating something off the dirty floor and sick child is crying in Mother's arms with a bucket load of snot running down from his nose into his mouth. Mother's chin begins to quiver but she promised herself she would not cry. Mother silently curses Husband and wishes that he should have at least one opportunity in his lifetime to take all 4 kids to the pediatrician's office by himself. Mother finally gets children in order by grabbing a bunch of rubber gloves off the pediatrician's counter and blowing them up up into balloons. She even goes so far as draw faces on the balloons and do a puppet show. All 4 children are entertained.....for 10 seconds.

For the remainder of this scene, all audience hears is a bunch of commotion coming from Exam Room #5, along with the faint sobs of one exhausted Mother.

Act 1, Scene 4:

Dr M walks into office and sees all 4 children with Mother. Mother thinks she sees him frown for a minute. Dr says, "so you brought the whole crew with you today?". Mother fears if she opens her mouth, she may cry so she just nods her head.

Dr: So what can I do for you today?
Mother: Well, sick child is wheezing so I'm concerned that his cold might have turned into bronchitis.
Dr: Oh, yes, I know this happens quite frequently with sick child. Let's take a look.

Sick child cries as Dr M pokes and prods. The other 3 children are shredding the paper on the exam table. Dr M pretends not to notice, as he is happy that they are out of his hair for now.

Dr M: Go ahead and take sick child down to radiology to have his lungs X-ray'd. And then go home and give him a nebulizer treatment. I'll call you with the results of the X-ray. It's more than likely a case of bronchitis. Make sure he drinks a lot of liquids and use saline solution to keep his nose clear.

Act 2, Scene 1:

We find the Mother waiting in the Radiology department with all 4 kids. She looks tired but she's smiling at her children, who are also now very tired.

Child #1: Mommy, when are we going home?
Mother: As soon as sick child get's his X-rays done.
Child #2: I'm hungry.

The mother reaches into the overfilled diaper bag and pulls out a granola bar. Child #1 and Child #2 fight over the granola bar as people in the waiting room start to stare. Sick child has just wiped snot all over the Mother's shirt. Child #3 smells like poop.

Mother to child #3: Did you poop in your diaper?
Child #3: (smiles) Yup.

Act 2, Scene 2:

Sick child is called to the back for his X-ray. Mother asks X-ray tech if she can change child #3's poopy diaper first before they start the X-ray. X-ray tech shrugs his shoulders and says "um...." and Mother pulls out a changing pad from the diaper bag before he can answer and proceeds to change child #3 on the floor. Mother smiles sweetly and says, "what are you gonna do? They poop when they have to poop".

X-ray tech: Your other kids can't be in here while I'm doing the X-ray for sick child. Can the person you brought with you watch them in the waiting room?
Mother: Oh, you must have mistaken me for Jennifer Lopez. I don't have a nanny. It's just me and the kids today, buddy. They're too young to be in the waiting room by themselves.

X-ray tech looks put out and irritated. Mother stares him down with her evil eye, as if to say "like I'm enjoying this anymore than you are??" X-ray tech tells her the other children can sit behind the glass shield where he'll sit as he takes the pictures. Mother imagines the X-ray tech will go home and tell his wife about the horrible demon children he met today at work.

Scene ends with Mother holding sick child upright in what looks like a death trap for children. The X-ray tech explains that they have to use this device to keep young children from moving during an X-ray. Mother understands this but it doesn't stop her from shedding tears as sick child looks at her with huge, pleading eyes that are also filled with tears.

The audience sees the other children emptying the diaper bag all over the floor, mischievously laughing. A crunching sound is heard as Mother looks over to see child #3 emptying a bag of goldfish on the floor while Child #1 and Child #2 stomp on them. X-ray tech looks mortified. Mother is laughing hysterically and crying at the same time.

Act 3, Scene 1:

Mother loads her children into the mini-van. Her hair is a mess, she has dry snot streaks all over her black shirt and the mascara she happily applied on her eyes this morning is all smeared under her eyes. She drives home as fast as humanly possible, without getting pulled over by a cop.

Act 4, Scene 1:

Mother and children are all now home. She makes them all lunch.

Mother: I'm making everyone PB&J sandwiches. Do not argue with me, do not ask me for anything else. Got it??

Children silently eat their sandwiches. Mother collapses into the rocking chair and zones out. After the children are done eating, Mother gives sick child his nebulizer treatment. She wrestles him to the ground, picks him up on her lap, and forces the mask over his nose and mouth, as he cries and fights with her. Mother explains to sick child that this will help him breathe better. Sick child stops fighting after 1 minute when he realizes he's able to breathe better. Child #3 keeps coming over and shutting off the nebulizer. Mother promises Child #1 and Child #2 a special treat if they can keep Child #3 occupied for the next few minutes. Mother is silently panicking as she realizes she has no clue what she's going to give Child #1 and Child #2 as a "special treat".

Act 5, Scene 1:

Mother puts sick child and Child #3 down for a nap. She puts on a DVD for Child #1 and #2. The phone rings and it's the dr, telling Mother that all is well with sick child but just to continue with nebulizer treatments, lots of fluid and rest. Mother lays down on the sofa and passes out.


The audience gives the Mother a standing ovation. She has earned it. As 2 women walk out of the theater after the play, one of them says to the other, "I better make sure I take my birth control pill tonight" and the other laughs and says, "Amen to that, sista friend".


The High Family said...

ahhhh you poor poor thing! I feel bad for thinking two is hard work all by myself in public.

Make Daddy take over as soon as he gets home and you take all the time you need to recoup!

PS- $10 co-pay...LUCKY! Ours is $30!!!! We've been lucky that no one has gotten sick all winter...that money starts to add up! Crossing my fingers we stay healthy.

PPS- hope your sick one feels better soon! :)

Jungletwins said...

Oh geez,

Good for you for holding it together. I would totally have sobbed uncontrollably. I'm the youngest of 5, and I remember when my mother used to take us all out was quite a scene. I remember a lot threatening and furious whispers to keep us in line ;) It didn't always work though. 2 of my older siblings once gleefully knocked down a store mannequin! Other shoppers not impressed.

Paula Constable said...

Oh man! You did good.

Robbie said...

Wow....that's all, just WOW!

One more thing...I hope sick child feels better soon!!

Christina said...

wow....and you didnt lose it?! You're such a trooper!

kristi said...

In reading comments I was thinking, "Dang! She has some good insurance!" Our copay is $20 and $30 if we see a specialist.

Bless your heart...I hope your little one feels better soon!

Hajar said...

What a hectic day!!! *whew*!

The Mother said...

Patience, thy name is mother. And yet, I bet you got some of "those" looks anyway, right?

Retro Heather said...

Helene, I don't know how you do it! AND keep your sense of humor! "Did you poop in your diaper?" - LOL!

Tracy said...


You poor thing. You are my hero. Next time I whine, please remind me of this post.

Chris said...

I'm giving you a standing ovation for being a good mother of 2 sets of twins. I think your amazing to take them out by yourself. You take on so much and keep a sense of humor. Amazing!

ImakehairROCK4u2 said...

That was so funny I almost peed my pants! (except the x-ray-been there, done that, cried too!) I had 4 kids in Radio Shack on Saturday. The guy waiting on me said, "Can you wait till I finish with this to kill them?" Aren't the cell phone displays meant for little kids to play with???

Amy W said...

I'm glad to hear that sick child doesn't have bronchitis!! If you'd like to have a less stressful post tomorrow, I just tagged you in the "sixth picture meme" on my blog. It was lots of fun and didn't require a lot of time. Granted, I was interrupted by my children painting the shower walls with one of my soap experiments, so I've been cleaning up that mess. LOL - at least I'm sure I will be tomorrow.

Stesha said...

Our co-pay is 30/per child!
Everytime I have to take all of them to the dr. I get depressed because I basically go through the same thing.

Hugs and Mocha,

bonnieearly said...

Are you kidding me? You took all 4 to the pediatrician by yourself? You're my hero.

Tami said...

Simply put, YOU'RE AMAZING! I couldn't do it!

Hope your baby is better, =)

Stacey said...

Yay for not beating children 1, 2, and 3 for being little snots at the doctor's office!!

Boo for having a sick baby as the reason to go to the doctor's office!!

Don't forget to give Mom a special treat for surviving today!!

barb said...

Loved the JLo comment....god love ya!

Amy said...

omg, I don't know what I would do if forced to take all 4 by myself. you are amazing! hope he's feeling better:)

Veronica Lee said...

You really are a supermom!!

Debbie said...

Oh honey. This was so beautifully written and so tragic at the same time. You've given Shakespeare a run for his money.
I'm beyond impressed with how you handled that day. And I hope Sick Child is better soon.

Katie said...

I can't stop laughing. You are AMAZING!

Morgan said...

Did you REALLY say that about Jennifer Lopez?!? Too funny!!!

Sounds like your husband is definantly due for the opportunity to take all 4 to the doctor sometime! I'm glad you survived it!

BTW- I agree, a $10 co-pay is pretty good!!!

eight helping hands said...

Good job Mom! Did far better than I would have! I cry when only one of mine starts acting up.
Hugs for you!

Elizabeth Channel said...

This is wonderful! I felt like I was actually there! What a great way to do a post like this! Bravo to you, friend : )

Jessie said...

This had me laughing so hard, especially the part about the pill at the end! You definitely deserve a standing ovation, and I'd love to see an encore performance. :-) Remember, today is a new day, one that most likely will not require a trip to the pediatrician with all four kids!

Anonymous said...

I stand in complete amazement of your ability to deal with your trip to pediatrician.

Our copay is now $5 per kid, which is a CRAPLOAD better than the $35 per kid it was under the hubby's insurance.

You rock!

Just remember that!!!

Minxy Mimi said...


I love the way you did it, scene by scene, but it was agonizing to read. You deserve a darn Oscar!!! and Jlo should be so good!

Anonymous said...

I have played the Mother in that play many times!!! Glad you have such a great sense of humor, If we don't laugh we'll cry (well maybe both)

Tess said...

Oh my! What a life! You need a day at a spa followed by hubby taking you out to a nice dinner and Grandma taking the kids over night.

Jen said...

Helene -

I now have a 13 year old daughter who is a certified babysitter. I think she will even give you a discounted rate! The only problem is that she is probably in school when you go to doctor appointments, but during the summer she will be unoccupied!

Daily Momma said...

Omg you poor thing! lol People can be total idiots - sorry you had to encounter them all today!

You're superwoman!!!

Creative Junkie said...

OMG - this had me rolling!

You are such a good storyteller ... and I bow to your mommy skills. I've said it before, but I'll say it again - we really need one of those "I'm not worthy" emoticons to post in our comments.

Connie said...

I was going to ask how you do it, but you have to do it. Still, you deserve at least one or two days each week totally alone, in a spa, with a handsome butler.

Janine said...

*Standing ovation*
I so related to "Mother silently curses Husband and wishes that he should have at least one opportunity in his lifetime to take all 4 kids to the pediatrician's office by himself." YES! And I only have 3.

Ashlee said...

We have MET the hard plastic baby death trap -- the day after we brought Blair home from the hospital. Lovely.

I enjoyed this!

HarryJack's Mom said...

I stumbled over from Outnumbered Two To One and will close my eyes and 'cowboy up' when my two are driving me crazy - bravo to you for handling all four so well! I love your bird smile, btw! Your kids are beautiful - happy Heart Day!

Cynthia said...

I am hysterical because MAN I have been there! Our twins love to try and escape the room while the other kids are being examined. It's their favorite game. :-)

onna said...

You really made me laugh!!I had tears streaming down my face while I read this story!! I am SURE it was not funny at the time! But you have such a great writing style, it is hysterical!!

More power to you for doing that all yourself!! I only have 2 kids- but frequently have five ( I have a small day care) so I can just IMAGINE what that is like!! My situation doesn't even compare-they go home at the end of the day (well three do, lol)

You go girl!!

Btw - Thanks for the comment on my blog! Look forward to hearing your stories on click and comment monday!! They are great!!


Joy said...

I don't know how you survived such a crazy day! I have a hard time with just my 2 little ones at the doctor together. You are such a great mom, Helene.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

Blog Design by Likely Lola