Thursday, February 26, 2009

If I could ask God anything....

So the last few days around here have been more serious than usual, with Cole's surgery and such. I was sitting around with the kids today and Cole asked me, "Mommy, did you pray when I was in surgery?" and I said, "yes, of course...I asked God to watch over you and to guide the dr's hands as he performed the surgery". Then he asked, "What did else did you ask Him?" and I said, "hmmmm, I asked Him if he had any good suggestions on what I should make for dinner". Bella laughed and said, "I wish I could ask God a question". So I told her she could ask God questions anytime she wants to. Apparently, she had some burning questions for God, like "does everyone have a butt crack?" and "Are clouds made of marshmellows or are they just really big cotton balls?".

It made me think of all the things I'd ask God if I could actually sit down and have a conversation with Him....aside from the serious stuff, of course. So I compiled a list (me and my freakin lists, right?):

1) Now that technology has come so far, why can't you just send me an e-mail whenever something bad is supposed to happen in my life? Just a little heads up, know what I mean? Something like:

To: Helene
From: Big Man Upstairs
Re: Something bad happening in your life today
Bcc: Satan

"Wassup, Mama ...you might want to avoid wearing a plain white tank top with nothing underneath to the pool today with the kids...I'm just sayin!"

2) What on earth were you thinking when you decided that the weekend would only consist of TWO days? I'm thinking Mon-Fri should be the weekend and Sat and Sun should be the weekdays....see where I'm going with this? Everyone works on Sat and Sun and then Mon-Fri are the days we rest. Yeah, I know....it's brilliant, right?

3) Why don't babies come with manuals? I mean, I know an instructional DVD was out of the question but would a written manual really have been that much trouble for you? You are God, maker of miracles, right? Surely, a simple manual wouldn't have been too difficult to create, rather than making me cry, plead and beg my way through it.

4) How did you decide that women should be the ones to deal with menstruation, PMS, pregnancy and childbirth? You could've given those things to the men but because you didn't, it's pretty obvious that you felt women are the stronger gender between the two. I know you can't come right out and admit that but I'm right, aren't I? (wink, wink...nudge, nudge)

5) Arm pits? Seriously, what was the purpose? Just wondering...

6) Are these animals made up of leftover human parts that you weren't sure what to do with? Honestly, scary stuff here. This obviously proves you have one hell of a sense of humor (but then again, the fact that you sent us two sets of twins was already proof of your sense of humor). Ooops, please forgive me for saying "hell" (bad habit....but you already knew that about me).


7) Do you really forgive us for all our sins? I'm talking ALL.OUR.SINS. Do you hold a grudge? Forgive and forget? I just can't imagine you forgiving Simon Cowell for making people cry on American Idol or Chef Ramsey for telling his contestants on Hell's Kitchen to "f**k off" after a long day of trying to impress him in the kitchen...I like to think they'll meet their match in the after-life.

8) Can you please, please, please guide Martha Stewart in coming up with the world's first calorie-free, good-for-you brownie? Ice cream? Cake? Cotton candy? Okay, no? Well, I just had to ask...I know this seems so frivilous when you have bigger problems on your mind, like trying to decide if Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer should just call it quits already....(again), and what do to about Octo-Mom and her 10,000 children.

26 comments:

barb said...

Awsome post, Helene. I really love your blog. :-D

kristi said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww what are those things??

I agree that God feels women are the stronger sex....totally!

Angela said...

This was great. Now if by chance you get any answers at all...please, please let us know.

Karen said...

I would also like to know why brussel sprouts and lima beans can't taste more like chocolate.

Christina said...

hahaha perfect post! how funny!

The High Family said...

Oh Helene....you always make me laugh so hard! I love reading your posts after a stressful morning with the kiddies. Thanks!

I ask question # 4 all the time. WHY God WHY? Not fair in my eyes...

I am soooo happy that Cole's surgery went well and he is doing great too.

Jen said...

Oh now this is a great conversation. I would love to know the answers.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Great questions! I don't how you come up with such cute "lists"!

Jessie said...

I could really use some of those "heads up" emails from God. I'd even settle for a text message!

Jessie said...

I could really use some of those "heads up" emails from God. I'd even settle for a text message!

Debbie said...

Just think of the wonders Martha could do if she utilized her skills for good and not evil. You are onto something.

Tracy said...

LMAO.

And, ewwww! Those pics made me grimace.

eight helping hands said...

Cute blog, very funny. Those are some really gross pictures, BTW. When I get any info on book publishing, I will pass it along. I really like your idea, on infertility. Good topic. Mine's just a few kids books and a sappy romance novel. Nothing exciting.
Good luck!

Yaya said...

Oh my gosh, I love your posts!!

white shirt, lol!

I'm such an animal lover that even those fugly ones are cute to me!


And 'does everyone have a butt crack?' where did kids come up with this stuff???

MommyAmy said...

LOL, you crack me up!

My question would be:

So God, what is UP with snow in February?! I mean... seriously! I live in WA not the north pole!

mrsbear said...

PMS, really, he could've left that part out, I mean isn't childbirth bad enough. I love your lists btw, this one is no exception, you're hilarious. I saw Elizabeth over at Three Channels borrowed your "Things My Kids Will Never Hear Me Say" and I was thinking about doing the same, seems like such a fun idea, I'll link to you of course, just wanted to know if you'd mind.

Also, I loved "does everyone have a butt crack".

blueviolet said...

Your mind works in mysterious ways. Thank God!

Tami said...

I absolutely LOVE your sense of humor.
I look forward to reading your blog
thank you for the giggles!

Jennifer said...

Oh yes, I'd really love to be on his email list too. Especially to warn me that when I use the bathroom today, one of the boys would pull a dining chair to the side table and play in the cat's water bowl.

Love your blog. Off to read more.

twinmama said...

Heh, heh, heh! Good stuff!

Where in the world did you get those pictures? I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight...scary looking varmits!

Angel said...

this is great! Wouldn't it be nice if He just said, Morning all Road block ahead...
About the PMS thing, we have Eve to thank for that, a lot of women want to speak with her I understand it's standing room only.....

Twisted Serenity said...

*lol* So cute and comical!

Creative Junkie said...

You have such a great, dry sense of humor!

BTW - I watched Ramsey last night. I swear, each year he gets more degrading. I can't imagine WHY anyone would tolerate his abuse, I don't care how good the job potential is. One of these days, one of his contestants is going to just eviscerate him right there in the kitchen.

Annie said...

I love your blog! I just gave you the Kreativ Blogger Award, come on over to my blog to pick it up!:)

Morgan said...

Whoa, what in the world were those creatures Helene?!?

Lana said...

HAhahahahaha!! Great post, as usual.
Braden was convinced for the longest time that we have butt cracks because the doctors smack our bums when we are born to make us breathe, and the force of the smack "splits" us open.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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