Sunday, February 22, 2009

The top 10 things my kids will never hear me say....

1) School? Who needs school? Let's just stay home and eat bon-bons all day while we play Candyland and watch soap operas. If Pam Anderson and Lindsey Lohan can be successful after dropping out of school, then it's obvious all you'll need are fake tits and a really bad attitude to be successful in life.

2) Cheerios are so boring....here, have a nice, huge bowl of Frosted Flakes. And to show you how much I love you, I'm gonna put an extra teaspoon of sugar on it. No, that soup bowl simply isn't big enough. Go grab the big mixing bowl out of the cabinet. Oh and while you're up, grab yourself a soda (make sure it's not diet)...you'll need something to help wash down those Frosted Flakes. What's that? You want water. Water's for wussies.

3) Oh no, you go sit down and relax....you've had a rough day of crying, screaming, tantruming, and destroying the house (even though you had a 2-hr nap this afternoon). My sole purpose in life is to clean up after you.

4) Eat all your dessert and then you can have some spinach. Um, wait, you forgot that last small piece of cake....chew and swallow, chew and swallow....open your mouth and show me that it's all gone....okay, now you may have a plate of spinach.

5) I know how much you really want that expensive train set. We'll just skip paying the electricity bill this month. Mommy doesn't need electricity to cook...we can just BBQ all our food. I hear that BBQ'd eggs are the bomb. And my blowdryer is really just a material item of convenience...no biggie, as long as you're happy, my dear.

6) Who cares if your teacher said you can't spit on other people?! I'm your mother and I'm telling you that spitting on others is a completely acceptable behavior. It's what separates the strong from the weak.

7) I can't stress enough how important it is that you only watch shows with violence and inappropriate content, like Beavis and Butthead, Power Rangers, Pokemon and Family Guy. Watching Sesame Street and Little Einsteins is just a waste of your time.

8) Make sure you use brass knuckles next time you fight with one another. No more wimpy stuff like hair pulling and scratching. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Why not start practicing now on one another...you're never too young to learn how to give a good ass-kicking.

9) I'm only going to let you have a bunkbed if you promise to jump off the top bunk. It's no fun unless there are broken bones and blood involved. We have priority parking at the ER so why not take advantage of it.

10) You don't have to take a bath tonight or tomorrow night, for that matter. Remember, we only wash ourselves once a week. We take water conservation very seriously in this family.

53 comments:

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Day 3 of the Where’s Wenda? Contest is here. Today I am visiting all of the SITStas that commented on Three Bay B Chicks. That means you! Thanks so much for stopping by and for being a great SISta!

-Wenda

Angela said...

Wenda is on the loose. I'm not in this contest but if I were I'd be happy that I found her right now.

Love this post. You mean you don't tell your kids all of these things???? This had me cracking up.

Chris said...

I love it! You really do crack me up. #3 is my favorite.

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO!!!! you.complete.me!!!!
Too funny

Brandy said...

What a funny "not to do" list!

Welcome to SITS!

Laura said...

This was so funny! Honey, with all the kids on your hands, I wouldn't hate you in the least if these DID actually (maybe, accidently...) came out of your mouth!

Sharlene said...

#1 is my favorite. I completely plan on starting tanning beds and bleaching hair with my daughter when she turns three. Gotta get her ready for her career as a Barbie Doll.

MamaHenClucks said...

Oh shoot. You mean those are things we are not supposed to do? Great. I better go put the frosted flakes and sugar away . . .

Tami said...

To funny.. you had me in stitches the minute I read #1
I'm wiping tears off my face from laughing so hard. Thank you!
Great post!

Christina said...

You made me laugh so hard! i bet your kids wish you would say that stuff all the time!

blueviolet said...

I think you should gradually start saying all of these things!

Heather Happymaker said...

Hilarious! Love the bit about Cheerios. They're God's gift to parents with small children.

Tranquility said...

Oh dear... how funny!

PS - I LOVE your header!!!

Monica said...

That is just too funny!!!!

The first year I taught school, I told one of my 8th graders to stop spitting because it was gross. Well, I had a very mad mama calling me that afternoon!!! I shouldn't have told her son not to spit...HA!

AmberP said...

Oh my goodness - I am dying over this!!!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

That was so funny! Thanks for the laughs!

sandy said...

Oh my! That is funny:0)

Yaya said...

These are too funny! Another great post!

I can't stand when the kids I nanny for complain EVERY DAY about going to school and getting a bath. I mean, you think they'd know by now it's gonna happen no matter how much they complain about it. Do they seriously think that one day I'm gonna say 'oh, you know what, forget it, you're right, no school!'.....

jill said...

you might not be saying these things, but i swear it's what they hear.

sending love via blogstalkers. =D

Journey on! by Kelleye said...

I love it! You had me at bon bons!

HarryJack's Mom said...

That is all me (except for needing the hair dryer, or the daily baths LOL) Happy week!

The Daily Dean Chronicals said...

Very funny! I love it all! You will never hear those things out of my mouth either!

FoN said...

You're supposed to wash kids more than once a week?? :)

I loved that list - classic!

Rachael said...

i found wenda! haha! that was unexpected. i was stopping by to welcome you to SITS and laughing hysterically along with this post. you are funny, too funny! so anyway, welcome to SITS!

Nana said...

That's funny because I say those things to my kids all the time.

Creative Junkie said...

omg - #6 and #8 are THE best!

AP said...

I see Wenda visited you today too!!!

love the post, much needed laugh!! and thanks for stopping by my blog

Veronica Lee said...

Hehehe, I'm about 12 hours ahead of you according to M'sian time! It's already Monday 12:44 PM as I'm writing this.

Jennifer said...

Hilarious! #3 is my favorite. And #6 too. What is it with kids and spitting? Great post.

Paula Constable said...

Ha ha ha! Another great post. Yes, baths or showers are not necessary. It's OK that you wear yesterday's dinner today. Why is that they don't have a problem wearing clothes for 3.5 minutes before putting them in the dirty laundry?

resplendentlife said...

Great post! I am definitely with you on most of these!
Welcome to SITS!!!

May said...

Hilarious! You crack me up and sound like the same kind of mom I am (though I'm just days away from #3, no twins here). I especially love 6 and 10! [found you through SITS]

Kim said...

Hee! I can soooo relate to your list, especially #3 and #9. It is absolutely unbelievable the amount of noise and destruction that goes on in the house because of the twins. How can they be so loud and so destructive at 2 years of age?? It doesn't seem humanly possible.

Oh yes, bunkbeds. My older girls have them and we keep their bedroom door closed and locked, so a certain 2 year old won't climb up the ladder, fall off, and have to go to the ER to get checked out for a concussion. Not that that has ever happened.

mrsbear said...

That is awesome. If the world suddenly goes topsy-turvy and you do become the kind of mom that utters these phrases, well...I'm totally moving in with you. TV and bon-bons all day, I'm in.

Hajar said...

If your kids don't want to take baths, tell them you'll drop them off on an Amish farm where a man lives, with a big stick! He doesn't let anyone take baths and all of the children smell like poop!

Stesha said...

Today is a very big day in the Where’s Wenda? Contest. I am visiting all of the SITS followers. Can I do it? There are around 1000 followers. Oh my! Better grab my cup of coffee and get on my way. Be sure to visit Hot Chocolate Caramel Mocha and Three Bay B Chicks as part of your contest entry.

-Wenda

Tess said...

That was so funny!You'd never hear me say that either.

allaboutpotential said...

Love these! And I'm giving you an award. Please visit
http://www.allaboutpotential.wordpress.com to pick it up!

jungletwins said...

Mmmmm BBQ eggs- delicious! Hilarious post :)

Ann On and On... said...

Welcome to SITS....it is a great place to meet amazing women...

(Love your header.)

K said...

I love it. I can totally relate (although I only have one little one as of yet).

I love the picture on your blog design - the smiling birds are great.

Welcome to SITS!

K said...

I love it. I can totally relate (although I only have one little one as of yet).

I love the picture on your blog design - the smiling birds are great.

Welcome to SITS!

Elizabeth Channel said...

I'm with you on the spitting. Spitting is nothing if not cool. Yet you failed to mention biting. Nothing makes a child more popular at preschool than biting.

Moms love that kind of thing.

"Oh yes. Well. He's a biter!"

Shhhhhhh.

Jen said...

This is hilarious!
I am sure you know this too but I am so looking forward to school days. And my kids are not skipping a day unless they are on their death bed. ;)

Anti-Supermom said...

what a great list - all of them are exactly what I would have written (had I thought of it before you)

:)

Morgan said...

Very funny Helene!

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Oh sheesh! LOL these are great!! I read these and I feel like such a Mom in the "oh my goodness I really am that person I said I would never be" kind of way, haha

Your twinsies are beautiful. :)

Welcome to SITS!!

greedygrace said...

LOL! Love this!

Mrs. Jelly Belly said...

Great list! (And I love your header!)

Stopping by to welcome you to SITS; happy to have you join us!

ParentingPink said...

I'm so there with the bon-bon's and Cheerios bits! We just had a major argument over Rice Crispies vs. Lucky Charms this morning - Rice Crispies won. No way in heck they are eating their daddy's Lucky Charms :-) lOL

Lana said...

Ahahahahaha!! Great list! I wonder how many of these listed you COULD say, and put the reverse psychology theory to test...
Reverse psychology has ALWAYS worked for Braden. Not so much for Mackenzie though...

Christine said...

#9 is my fave....loved the leaps from the top bunk....or the launching from the bottom-bunker pushing up the mattress of the top-bunker...those were the days:)

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