Thursday, February 12, 2009

What's so wrong about googling the ex-boyfriend who crushed my heart?

1) What's so wrong about laughing hysterically that the ex-boyfriend is now bald, overweight and STILL trying to find the woman of his dreams, at the age of 44?

2) What's so wrong about sending him a long, detailed e-mail about how wonderful my life turned out and that he did me a huge favor when he cheated on me....oh and adding at the end of the letter "Hey, maybe you should apply to be the next 'Bachelor'"

3) What's so wrong about telling my kids that in order to get a gift under their pillow from the "Sleep Fairy", they need to sleep in their own beds and not climb into Mommy and Daddy's bed in the middle of the night?

4) What's so wrong about forgetting to leave the gift under their pillow and then telling the kids in the morning, "Uh, the Sleep Fairy e-mailed me and said her wings broke so she had to take them to be replaced at the Wing Shop. She sends her apologies and will be stopping by tonight to leave you a gift, if you stay in your own bed.....again"?

5) What's so wrong about singing the "Bean Fart Song" to my kids to get them to eat beans? "Bean, beans...they're good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel. So eat your beans at every meal". I can't possbily be the only Mom who has ever broken out into song in desperation to get their kids to eat something healthy, even if it does reduce me to the maturity level of a 4 year old

6) What's so wrong about telling their preschool teacher the next day that I have no idea where they learned the "Bean Fart Song" and apologizing profusely that my children started singing it to the class during circle time?

7) What's so wrong about telling my kids they cannot eat Oreos before dinner, while I grab a handful and stuff them in my mouth as soon as they leave the room?

8) What's so wrong about going to the gym, dropping the kids off at the gym's daycare and then hanging out in the sauna and reading a good book the whole time?

9) What's so wrong about calling my husband on the way home from the gym after my "grueling and vigorous work-out" and asking, "Hey, would you mind ordering a pizza for dinner? That step class at the gym really kicked my butt and I'm just too tired to cook".

10) What's so wrong about telling my husband that we can't possibly go to Tahoe with his family during Valentine's Day weekend because I have a huge surprise planned for him? (and then scrambling like a mad woman to find a babysitter on such short notice and attempting to get a reservation at one of the top-notch restaurants in town)

11) What's so wrong about giving my husband a countdown every single day until my 40th birthday this year and saying, "It's really no big deal...I mean, it's not like I want a huge surprise party or diamond earrings or anything"?

12) What's so wrong about "accidentally" leaving my address book with all my friends' phone numbers on the desk in his office upstairs and bribing my daughter to say, "Daddy, don't you think Mommy would look pretty with those diamond earrings?" as we walk past a jewelry store in the mall?

13) What's so wrong about sobbing for a good 10 minutes when I realize that I'm starting to say the same things to my kids that my mom said to me....that I swore I would never say to my own kids because it was just too ridiculous? Such as....

-- Stop hitting your sister. Yes, I can see you. No, I don't have to turn around to see you because I have eyes in the back of my head.

-- You can cry from now til doomsday but that doesn't change the fact that I said you cannot draw a mustache with permanent marker on your sister while she's sleeping.

-- Because I'm the Mom, that's why. And don't bother asking your father because he knows I'm in charge and he'll only say "go ask your mother".

-- Because I said so, that's why. Don't question me...and don't think I didn't see you make a face at me. Oh and by the way, if you look at me like that again, I can freeze your face so it stays that way forever. Why? Because I'm the Mom, that's why.

54 comments:

My Lil Guyz said...

That was too too funny!!! I will have to admit, that a lot, ok practically all, ok, all of that is pretty much me! It was like you were reading my mind.
Although I have never written to an ex boyfriend, I'll give you a high five for that one! ;)

blessings,
Jacqueline

Becky said...

Nope, nothing wrong with any of those, not a thing!!! hehehe

newlyweds said...

I love your this post!! I have never googled an ex, hmmm. Maybe I should start, ha.

Ok I totally sang the fart song to my niece the other day trying to get her to eat beans!!

Erin said...

I totally do #7. Like every day, seriously.

Angela said...

Ah that was ffffuuuunnnnyyyyy. Thank you.

Fearless Mom said...

ooh, my son would so love the bean song.

also, give up on the hints to your husband. they're clueless, you just have to tell him outright.

eight helping hands said...

No, thee is nothing wrong with any of those, especially singing the song in circle time, we've all had kids do something similar.
That was funny, and yes I have googled an old boyfriend, found him and we are now good friends.

Chris said...

That was too funny. I don't see anything wrong with any of those things.

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

I had to laugh about you sneaking Oreos. I have a bag of Hershey's Kisses in my pantry my kids recognize the sound of the bag when I get one. Then I have to hide it in my mouth and pretend I'm not really eating it.

Signed,
The Mom Who Also Has Eyes in the Back of Her Head

mich said...

LOL, nothing wrong with any of that! You are funny Helene, love it.

LaurieJ said...

13 big Nothings. Nothing is wrong with any of that. In fact it is all quite brilliant :-)

wife.mom.nurse said...

Now that is MY style of parenting! So, of course, I totally support all of it!~ ")

Stacey said...

haha I ran into my first huge crush when I was 21 or 22. I hadn't seen him since we were 13 and "graduated" from middle school. It was in a gay club. I was with my (then) GF. LOL I'm sure he got a kick out of that. But, I do have to say - I was about 30 pounds lighter than he had last seen me while he had grown a "porn 'stache". LOL.

I think the only thing I could possibly repeat to my kids that my mother had told me was "Wait until your dad gets home!!" (which I won't be able to use...umm..ever. LOL) and "Well, if you didn't act like a bitch, maybe your friends wouldn't be so mean to you." The second one caused me to hide out from my parents at an undisclosed location for 9 hours (I wasn't allowed out of the house almost ever before I turned 18.) Other than that, my mom pretty much ignored me.

Chatabox Girl said...

Its funny how such similar songs can have small changes. I grew up with:

Beans beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
so eat your beans with every meal.

Never googled an ex, but I grew up with social networking sites. Bebo is great!

Creative Junkie said...

NOTHING.

Nothing is wrong with any of that.

And by the way ... #13 had me rolling. LOVE LOVE LOVE the "mom in charge" one!

Tami said...

Having 3 boys they know the fart song! and did the sounds when singing the song, LOL

screamish said...

ha!!!! no no nothing wrong at all...sounds all pretty healthy if you ask me!

screamish said...

googling the ex oh yeah. every time I post a photo on facebook I think "maybe he'll see it somehow and be torn with regret"

Sheri said...

So funny and so true! I can relate to almost everything:)

barb said...

The guy that I was nearly pathologically in love with from 7th grade through high school graduation (he never gave me the time of day) turned out to be a deadbeat loser. I find great satisfaction in that for some odd reason.

Paula Constable said...

I've never heard of the sleep fairy. If it works...

I sound like my mom, too.

Jessie said...

This gave me just the laugh I needed to start my Friday off right.

mrsbear said...

Nothing wrong with any of that stuff. Especially not the bean fart song. It would be unAmerican not to teach it to your kids...and then lie to the preschool teacher about it. lol. Great post. It speaks to me.

Kim said...

The other day, my 8-year-old was having a meltdown. I actually caught myself telling her that if she didn't stop carrying on, I'd give her something REAL to cry about. Good grief.

Tess said...

I like this! I dont think theres anything wrong about that.

Elegant Eventz said...

Thanks for following me. You have a very beautiful family :-)

Sharlene said...

I will tell you what so wrong- ABOSLUTELY NOTHING. LMAO!

Jen said...

Oh Heen - you are too funny! I love everything! Bring the kids up to my place if you don't get a babysitter.

Totallyscrappy said...

What a brilliant list!

Supermom said...

HA HA!! Love the list!! I am glad to know I am not the only one googling/myspacing/facebooking my ex's.

Michelle :)

manker said...

5 and 6 are so me... who me ?!?!? :)# 8 the classical do as i say, not as as i do? :)

sounds good to me
gp in montana who's also an identical twin

blueviolet said...

What would be wrong is if you didn't do any of those things. You're perfect.

Firefly@www.firefly-shop.org said...

LOL don't we all do that :) thanks for stopping by my blog :) hope you'll visit again soon :)

Morgan said...

I was reading the list out loud to my husband and he had to do a double take at the picture on your blog to make sure it wasn't me- #7 fits me to a T!!!

♥♥&heartsHappy Valentine's Day Helene!♥♥♥

Morgan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Veronica Lee said...

Happy Valentine's Day, Helene!!

Journey on! by Kelleye said...

This is by far the best thing I have read yet! Sounds like MY HOUSE!!!!

Well, I am the reverse on the Ex-boyfriend deal, Mine are all successful.
I wouldnt dare look them up for the sake of them finding me & saying whew- thank goodness I let that catch get away=)))!
OMG! I forgot about Gym daycares- you may have saved my sanity!
Happy Valentines Day!

Jennifer said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything you just said. None. You know why? Because I'm the Mom and I said so.

ROTFL!

Happy Valentine's Day@

Elizabeth Channel said...

This is terribly funny stuff! I think the "sleep fairy" is better than the semi-scary "sand man" who, if he is not able to put the sand in your eyes because you do not fall asleep by a certain time, might decide to render you blind.

(No, I didn't tell *my* children that but I did scar some children for life that I used to babysit by telling them that frightening tale.)

I still feel rather bad about that...

Yaya said...

These are awesome!!! Hahahaha!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Moms have the amazing power to do anything that they set their minds too...especially freeze a child's face so that it stays that way forever.

It is a gift and one that Dad will never be able to master.

Loved this post, Helene!

-Francesca

twinmama said...

Great list! I sneak food all the time. If I didn't, I would never get a full meal since the girls seem to want what I am eating regardless if they have the same thing on their plate.

I like your Bean Fart son better! WE would say, "Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot." Weird, I know, I don't believe beans are a fruit, but it all rhymed so I guess that was the point.

Xazmin said...

hmmm...were we separated at birth? Except the way I learned the song (from my father!) Is "beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot. The more you toot the better you feel, so lets have beans at every meal!!"

Xazmin said...

p.s. I forgot to add...your children are beautiful!

Valerie said...

SO funny Helene! I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who has googled my ex! And believe me when I tell you that I have resorted to the "Bean Fart" song on MANY occasions with my kids (I mean, Lukas thinks it's HILARIOUS to fart, so what better motivation than to tell him he will do it MORE if he eats the beans!). Loved this!

Nancy said...

LOL... I think all of those things are okay. I've been known (or wait, it's actually a secret) to cram some cookies into my mouth as soon as my kids have been told no because it's too close for dinner. :)

I also recently posted about "I am my mother's daughter" and how I say things I swore I wouldn't.. :) also about how one of my mom's sayings when repeated by my son, earned him a timeout in school! OOPS!

Jennifer said...

Hahahahaha!! That is hilarious!! I LOVE it!! seriously! Ok... funny!

And two sets of twins?! That's awesome! You are officially my hero!

Thanks for commenting on my blog!

Kate said...

Ha - I've thought about doing that with a couple old boyfriends myself. And the sleep fairy - that's a new one! Oh, and sitting in the sauna at the gym is genius...

Connie said...

I've done almost everyone of those except I never thought of the "sleep fairy". Wish I knew you when that would have worked! So there's nothing wrong with any of them :)

Laura said...

Loved the Oreo story! I'm drinking Slim Fast and "snacking" on my daughter's pizza in between sips as I type this now!

Hooker Heather said...

Not a durn thing is wrong! You had me in hysterics! I was thinking - okay, what's wrong with Tahoe, then I read it again. ;-)

Tabbatha Rose said...

Love it, just love it!!!

Minxy Mimi said...

LOL I see nothing wrong eith anything on this list!!! May you get your diamond earrings!!! You deserve them!

Arlice Nichole said...

e-mail the boyfriend...please! Good one about the toothfairy. Hope you don't mind if I use that one. :)

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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