Wednesday, March 11, 2009

10 reasons my kids will need therapy when they're older...

1) They've had to learn their lessons the hard way. They have been begging me for a new pet (even though we've had the same cat since before they were born....apparently, she doesn't count as a pet). Cat or dog? Doesn't matter as long as it's alive with fur. I keep telling them we have a no-pet rule until they can all wipe their own butts (sufficiently enough to not leave skid marks, thank you very much). The other day, after listening to them talk yet again about wanting a pet, I said, "Okay, guys....I'll let you in on a secret. I got you a new cat but he can't come home with us for a few more days. Wanna see his picture?". Of course, they did. So I showed them this picture....

After looking at their stunned faces, I said, "What's the matter? Isn't he adorable? Look at his blazing green eyes...they seem to glow, don't they? Won't he be nice to wake up to in the middle of the night? You won't even need a nightlight when Satan comes to live with us...oh I didn't mention that his name is Satan....silly me". Cole said, "Mommy, I don't want a pet anymore". It's a pity that they have to learn lessons the hard way but it sure nipped the "we want a pet" conversations in the bud...they may fight a good battle, but Mommy always wins the war.

2) Mommy and Daddy's warped sense of humor. Last Saturday, we took the kids to the park and Bella proudly said to Tim, "Daddy, wanna watch me do the pole?" (referring to the pole that kids can slide down on from the climbing structure). He started laughing, then I started laughing. She looked confused and said, "what's so funny?". Oh, nothing...it's just that our minds are always in the gutter. I joked to him, "Hopefully, that's not a foreshadowing of what's to come in her future but, if it is, at least she'll be able to put herself through college".

3) I vacillate between "helicopter parenting" and "just-walk-it-off parenting". One minute I'm standing right next to them, holding their hands as they go up the climbing structure at the playground (the same one they've climbed up a million times already)....then the next minute, I watch from afar as they trip over a step and fall, and then yell out to them, "Just walk it off". Nothing like a little confusion to keep the kids on their toes.

4) I have given them each bizarre nicknames, which will stick with them until I go to my grave. Peanut (or just Nutty), Dude-Z Dog (or just Dog), Evil (or just E) and Chicken (or just Chickie). It's sick, I know. Even their nicknames have nicknames. And I have no shame....I see nothing wrong with being in a room full of people and calling out to my kids, "Hey, Nutty and Dog....go grab Chickie and Evil...it's time to go".

5) I plan on chaperoning each of them to the prom. That should kill any plans they might have had for engaging in underage drinking and sexual activities. Enough said.

6) Mommy and Daddy are guilty of dropping the "F-bomb" when we think little ears aren't listening. But you know they're always listening, ever present to point out that Mommy and Daddy said a bad word, which makes God sad. I quickly point out that it also makes God sad when children point out their parent's faults.

7) They will eventually figure out that all the white lies I've told them as children are just plain bullshit. They'll figure out that every time they pick their noses, angels don't really cry and that watching too much tv does not, in fact, cause them to have explosive and painful gas, and there is no such thing as sugar bugs who poop all over their teeth when they forget to brush twice a day. I'll have the last laugh, though, when I overhear them telling their kids the same crap.

8) "Do as I say, not as I do" is my parenting motto. I can eat candy right before dinner, leave my dirty clothes on the floor, and wear sandals in 40 degree weather. My kids, however, are not permitted the same privileges. When they say, "But, Mommy, you do it"....I smile and say, "Yes, but Mommy always says...repeat it with me....do as I say, not as I do".

9) When my kids want to discuss sensitive topics with me, I stress about it way more than they do. Take, for instance, the time Cole asked me why one of his preschool buddies has two moms. I just stared at him for a few seconds and said, "ummmm, hmmmm, yeah....about that....ummmm...can I get back to you on that?" Thank the Lord for the internet. I spent half the afternoon reading articles online after googling "how to talk to your preschooler about same-sex relationships". And then I wrote a script of what I wanted to say and consulted my notes the whole way through the conversation, as beads of sweat dripped from off my forehead. After "the talk", he shrugged his shoulders and said, "oh, okay", as if he was already trying to think of what he should color on the piece of paper laying in front of him rather than focusing on anything I was saying. In the future, I'll leave these heavy conversations for Tim to handle.

10) My sarcasm is misunderstood sometimes. I often forget that little kids do not have the same sense of humor or the knack for sarcasm that we adults have. Like the time, Bella complained about having to eat veggies with her dinner every night. She said, "Well, Kaitlin said her mom never makes her eat veggies" and I replied, "Then go move in with Kaitlin and her mom". Bella smiled and said, "Cool". I thought nothing of it until Kaitlin's mom greeted me the next day with, "So I hear Bella is moving in with us because I don't make my kid eat her vegetables?". I stumbled my way through that conversation as well, with "um, yeah...about that...."

40 comments:

Tami said...

you crack me up with the conversations you have with your children.

I look forward to the next blog!

Betty said...

OMG! lol!
I love reading about the adventures you have with your kids. You should write a book.

AP said...

hahaha, the cat thing cracks me up, hmm will have to remember that one!!

Mrs Cooper said...

ROFLMAO!!! You are hilarious. The cat is crazy and I love the name. So befitting. It does have glowing eyes.

Christina said...

hahaha...your kids wont need therapy maybe just some reassurance...i love the pole thing..

wife.mom.nurse said...

I just called my husband over to see the picture of your cat!!!!

Oh my gosh. I love that picture.

I can totally relate to everything you have said here...as usual ")

Ok, hubby and I have just finished laughing our butts off together!

I cannot get enough of your humor!!!

motheringmymiraclemultiples said...

SUGAR BUG POOP!
ROTFLMAO!

POLE DANCING......WOW!

Congratulations on making it thrrough year # 2. Happy belated Birthday to Garrett and Landon!

MamaHenClucks said...

Ah yes, we have learned that mama needs to curb her sarcasm just a bit as both of my children do not get it.

Also, sugar bugs DO poop on your teeth when you don't brush twice a day and I'm not even the one who told them that. My dentist did, so I'm pretty sure that one is okay.

It's nice to know I'm not the only crazy - I mean caring, really caring - parent out there! You totally made me laugh. And feel normal :)

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Your posts just keep getting better and better, my friend. Seriously. This one is a gem.

I am a big believer in the "just walk it off" philosophy. In our house, we trade off between that phrase and "man up."

-Francesca

The Daily Dean Chronicals said...

Thanks for a wonderful laugh! Number 7 has already bit me back! My kids will need therapy after those white lies! Oh, boy!

MAMA CEO said...

Oh my gracious! That is hilarious! I am surprised no other mommies have been so transparent in their parenting tactics to actually write these things down! What a hoot!

Lora said...

I love this. My future kids will need therapy for many of the same reasons. lol.

Visiting you from SITS, and I'm enjoying your blog!

Kathy B! said...

Number 1, 2, and 10. I'm sooo with you. We should get the 8 of our kids together and see if we can get some sort of group discount going.

MommyAmy said...

LOL!!!!

Ok, your little lists have me cracking up EVERY SINGLE TIME!

The Mother said...

Buck up. Pole dancing isn't so bad. I know several women who put themselves through medical school pole dancing.

Really.

Well, they couldn't exactly sell sperm, like the male medical students, could they?

As for thereapy--I have two kids in therapy ALREADY. It isn't that bad. Their shrink is really hot.

Sharlene said...

I swear we would be the best of friends if we knew eachothere in person Helene. We are one in the same (excet i have one less set of twins) Maybe our kids can go to the same therapist someday.

Hajar Zamzam Ismail said...

I loooovvvve number 1. That's certainly one way of getting them to rethink their wish to live with a hairy, smelly creature. :)
I'm with you on number 5. too. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when that one goes down. heeheee

Chatabox Girl said...

Omg those are great! you kids may need thearapy, but at least they can have great conversations with you. lol if they ever understand them :)

wife.mom.nurse said...

I had to come by and tell you that I google imaged Cat Cora and I found a picture of ... you!

http://images.google.com/images?gbv=2&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&q=cat+cora+wife+jennifer&start=20&sa=N&ndsp=20

Debbie said...

I'm wondering how we must be the same mother living in different places!

Jen said...

I am so loving this!!! My kids will need therapy for many of the same reasons.

Molly said...

Hilarious! Although I'm not altogether certain I won't have nightmares from that cat picture!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I love this!

We have pets, but not indoors because we have enough animals in the house!!!

newlyweds said...

Your so hilarious!! Love the cat picture. Hell Satan would scare the crap out of me too. I have to keep these and remember then for my kiddos.

mrsbear said...

That is by far the scariest cat I have ever seen.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with chaperoning your kids to prom..is there?

Number 10 is fabulous, just when we think our kids aren't listening, they create an uncomfortable situation by using our words against us.

Mrs. D Lightful said...

Hahaha you are so funny! Holy crap, I had to do a double-take on that cat picture! WOW! Scary! Love your blog!

Dianna said...

I have the same sick sense of humor.....my mind was playing club music when reading about the pole!!

jungletwins said...

Oh boy!!! The tears are rolling down my face over that cat. Honestly, I can't get over it. I just ran over to show my husband and now we are both doubled over. You are totally my hero!

ahappyhippy mom said...

OMG the cat is hilarious! I think your creative measure in handling the situation was ingenious! Bravo!

The Schumachers said...

Your blog never ceases to make me laugh out loud. Thanks for brightening my day...and I LOVED the cat picture!

Xazmin said...

You crack me up! I love your new pet!

blueviolet said...

You won't take offense if I say that's the perfect cat for your household, will you? ;)

Rhonda said...

I am still laughing over that cat and the devil conversation. I have stooped to such levels as well and it usually works. Just be prepared for the day someone drops that pet on your door with a note and says "From Heaven, Love Me!" Call me when it happens! You'll need help.

Minxy Mimi said...

LOL, your kids may grow up a tad different than the average kids, butthey sure will be a lot more interesting (IMO) I love this post!

Claroux said...

I love you! Your posts CRACK. ME. UP. I was actually showing my Mom your post about the poop last night. She was laughing her ass off. You should write a book. Seriously.

wife.mom.nurse said...

I came back again just to look at the cat!

HarryJack's Mom said...

This *is* our own therapy, right, especially 2 and 3 around here. Thanx, you're a lot cheaper than the shrinks! Happy weekend :-)

newlyweds said...

Just wanted to let you know I mentioned this post on my blog today!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Holy crap, I'm dying over here! I want you to be my neighbor, then our kids could be friends and go to therapy together.

Amy said...

I love this post. I always tell people I am not saving for my kids' education I am saving for their therapy. Luckily my daughter wants to go into counseling, so she will get fixed and educated at the same time.
By the way I would have thought I would escort my daughter to Prom too, but she is going without me. This is her first time ever going. Ahh, careful it will sneak up on you.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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