1) God would have both a pager and intercom system so in an emergency (like when the all the kids are pushing my buttons), I could page Him and suddenly my kids would hear a booming voice from the sky saying, "All of you pipe down NOW! I sent you into this world and I can take you out....so stop making your mother cry".
2) Dr Oz will have discovered that eating cookies and brownies is the key to living a longer, healthier life.
3) All forms of exercise would be illegal.
4) There would be no such thing as selective hearing. In an even more perfect world, I wouldn't have to remind my husband about everything because he'd already know and he would've already done it...."oh, the burnt out lights? Yeah, I totally noticed and I've replaced all of them" or "I drank the last of the orange juice so I ran to the store last night and got some more since I know how much you love drinking OJ with your breakfast" or "I noticed you haven't had time to get to the laundry so I did it for you".
5) All babies would be born able to talk....they'd come straight out of their mother's wombs and say, "Hey, wassup....thanks for birthing me and all...unfortunately, that will NOT be the last time I make you cry....just sayin....now what does a baby gotta do around here to get a couple squirts of breastmilk?". In an even more perfect world, they'd also be born with a mute button.
6) All babies would be born already potty-trained.
7) You go in for your yearly physical and your doctor says, "Whoa...you seriously need to gain some weight. And your cholesterol is too low....you better start chowing down on eggs, cheese and anything you can get your hands on that's loaded with saturated fat".
8) Hearing the words "uh-oh" come out of my children's mouth won't necessarily mean something horrible has just happened, like them flushing a handful of legos down the toilet or spilling grape juice all over my WHITE living room carpet. And I would never hear them scream "Oh My Gosh, look at all that poop".....but they're nowhere near the bathroom.
9) Kids would be dirt-proof (or at the very least, have their own self-cleaning mechanism).
10) I'd take my kids out to the most expensive restaurant in town, where they'd behave perfectly and allow Tim and I the opportunity to experience that distant memory of what a full stomach feels like. In an even more perfect world, the manager would be so impressed with our well-behaved children that he'd say, "Don't worry about the bill....I got this".
11) My husband, whom I have known for almost 14 years, would know what my middle name is:
Tim: Hey, sweetie, I'm finishing up the taxes. Does your middle name end with an 'E'? It's A-N-N-E, right?
Me: Are you serious? You think my middle name is Anne?
Tim: Yeah, isn't that your middle name?
Me: No, it's JAN.
Tim: Oh, well at least I was close.
Friday Funny: Little Britain
2 hours ago
41 comments:
OMG!!! This is so TRUE, you had me cracking up! Does your DH atleast know your bday? lol
No he didn't!? I want to live in this fantasy world - is there a place to sign up? Oh. It's a PERFECT world. Sigh. I guess not!
Keep the lists coming...I LOVE THEM! :)
Are you kidding me? He didn't remember that your middle name is Jan? Now if my husband did that he would totally look like an idiot because I don't have a middle name!! LOL
Hope you have an awesome week..pray I make it through mine...a sick, teething baby and no sleep is never good. :(
OMG Anne!!
That was hilarious!
What ae you doing with all those twins and WHITE carpet? Thats insane!
Can I just tell you I look so forward to your posts. You so totally keep me in stiches. Do I even want to know about "All that crap".
Where can I sign up for that world? It would be awesome. Especially the dinner out part. Why can't toddlers just relax (silently) and take in the atmosphere at a fine restaurant, allowing their parents to enjoy a 7 course meal in peace? I don't think its so much to ask!
OMG on the middle name! Seriously?
I have to say in my perfect world, babies would have a sleep button. One push and sweet dreams until 12 hours later. Man... that would have been nice!
Hahaha! Love your lists! Yes I wish my husband would just know to do things without me asking over and over again.
Exercise illegal! Lol!
In my perfect world, those babies and well-mannered toddlers would all grow up to be responsible, intelligent adults that, when going off to the local college and confronting me will not ask questions like, "Can you come turn the computer on for me because I can't figure it out." And, "I need to take a test, but 10 weeks into the semester, I don't know my teacher's name."
I would love to join that world my self. I love reading your posts they are so funny.
Oh, I would absolutely love to join that perfect world...where do we sign up? ;) Your hubby messing up your middle name after all those years? Priceless... ;)
Oh my! I can't believe he thought it was Anne, Men!
How funny I love the talking baby idea, how true, if only my little ones could tell me what they want or need, ugh.
My perfect world includes potty training (DONE) and eating lots of brownies too! Augh, great minds....
I'm with you on the first 10. But that middle name thing?
You ask for too much, madam.
*L* your kids sound even more active than mine.
gee and I thought my husband was bad with the birthday thing (not only mine but the kids as well yet I can remember the DAY they were due AND the day they were born).
I am loving this!!!
If only....
I want your world. I thought mine was ok but yours is better!
I want to live in your perfect world.
Maybe it was the rhyming thing...they do sound alike. But Wayne would be sleeping on the couch if that had happened in OUR marriage!! Ha, ha!!
How true!!! Thanks for a good laugh!
Oh no he didn't! My husband totally forgot my birthday last year. Even though our 19 year old told me happy birthday while he was in the room. Total selective hearing there. I'd like to move to that perfect world please!
I love this! That is my perfect whole too.
Can I add:
*All your children would love every outfit you pick out for them to wear until the move out.
*Backtalk, attitudes & whining would not exist.
Your lists are the best!
LOL... omg...
I'd say 99% of the time when Hubs asks from the other room, "What's so funny?!" It's because I'm reading your blog and cracking up!
Anne???? WTF? lol
You crack me up! Love your blog!
Exercise isn't illegal yet? Oh... darn.
I had to giggle about the mute button. I've often fantasized about that as well, then realize if children did come with a mute button, I would never turn it off!
#11 is a post unto itself, Helene. Seriously. I am envisioning a list of things your husband should know, but doesn't.
How about it? :)
-Francesca
hi Helene! Thanks so much for your comment and honesty about the vacuum cleaner! Have fun today with those kiddos!!
I loved your post!
My fav is hubby not knowing your middle name. uh.. I've been married 21 years and hubby had to call me to get my date of birth the other day. I was floored. Have I NOT complained to you for 20 years about NOT remembering my birthday?! I thought I drilled that into your otherwise THICK SKULL in August!
Men, *shakes head.
I've learned, give them the same medicine. Soon when you forget.. they realize something is definitely wrong. heh heh.
They do the moonwalk as they walk backward, they say..
Oooh, yea! (light bulb comes on) I didn't take out the trash.
Men.. what to do..what to do?!
Hey, a woman can dream, right? I'm so looking forward to heaven.
I am sorry but I had to roll over your husband and your middle name! Thats just plain funny!
I can relate with your list- thats for sure! Though I am still wondering what age it is that I am "free from potty duty?" some how I thought I would be there by now!
I left you something over at my place1 Have a great day!
Oh, I hope God will consider making these changes.
Oh the hubby...what can we say ")
Have a great day............
I was under the impression that exercise already was illegal. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.
The no selective hearing part is what got me. Wouldn't that be heaven?
OMG Helene! In my house #11 would deserve a slap upside the head! j/k, but wow!
Funny post. :)
LOL!! I'm with you on the mute button. And on Dr Oz. Life would be so much better if brownies made you live longer
Helene - As a fellow mom of multi multis, I have to tell you - I LOVE your list!
O-k, #11 has me rolling on the floor laughing! It sure would be a different world if all those things were true. It keeps a mom on her toes, doesn't it?
I've tagged you over at my blog...you're it!
Brownies & cookies = healthy and healthy = happy. There ya go!
And do you seriously have white carpet??!!
omg ... I may just have to print this and hang it on our living room wall.
Can I come live in your perfect world??? Pretty please?
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