Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What I say vs What He Hears....

Of course, after my recent post What He Says vs What I Hear, I have to turn it around, in all fairness to my husband. And honestly, I was curious how he interprets certain things that I say to him. We know men are not the most forthcoming with their thoughts or emotions. So I encouraged him to dig deep within himself and tell me what he really hears when I talk to him.

1) I say: (*calling him at work) What time will you be home?
He hears: You better be home in the next 10 minutes because that's the time I'm opening up the vodka and getting drunk and someone (preferably someone sober) needs to watch the kids . After the kids are in bed, I'll let you take advantage of me in my drunken stupor.

2) I say: What sounds good for dinner tonight?
He hears: It better be take-out because I have no intention of cooking. Since I won't be tired from cooking, I'll have sex with you tonight.

3) I say: My neck is killing me. Will you rub my shoulders for me?
He hears: How about a little foreplay and then we can fool around??

4) I say: What do we have planned for the weekend?
He hears: You're taking the kids to your parents house....while I stay home and sit on my ass and eat bon-bons. When you come home, we can have sex.

5) I say: (in reference to the question "what would you like for your birthday?") You don't have to get me anything.
He hears: You better get me something and it better be good....or don't plan on having sex with me anytime soon.

6) I say: Can you please remember to take out the garbage? Oh, and can you take care of the recycling too?
He hears: You'd forget your penis if it wasn't attached to you....must I remind you of ALL your household chores? If you hurry up and do your chores like a good boy, I'll let you have sex with me.

7) I say: Oh, get this....my ex-boyfriend found me on Facebook today!
He hears: And he was SO much better in bed than you ever were. What I wouldn't give to see him again (without you knowing, of course). We can have sex, but only if you don't mind if I fantasize about my ex while we do it.

8) I say: Do you mind if I leave the kids here at home with you while I run some errands?
He hears: You WILL watch the kids while I run some errands....even though I technically ASKED you if you mind, I really don't care if you want to or not. And, by the way, I will most definitely NOT be back in time to fix the kids lunch so plan on making it for them. After I get back, if you can manage to get the kids down for a nap, I'd love to have sex with you.

9) I say: Hey, do you wanna get a babysitter and catch the new Mark Wahlberg movie this weekend?
He hears: Mark Wahlberg is hot and there's no way you'll ever measure up to him and his 6-pack. And you know how I get after seeing a Mark Wahlberg movie....you're bound to get lucky.

10) I say: Your mom isn't planning on coming over this weekend, is she?
He hears: You know I can't stand your mom....I don't know why you keep inviting her over here.*

* Notice there is NO mention of sex in this one. Maybe instead of using the excuse "not tonight, dear, I have a headache", I should start saying, "So, did you talk to your MOM today?"

** I've also been informed that there is no way possible that he's the only guy who can take a women's innocent statement or question and reduce it down to nothing other than a sexual proposition. According to him, if your hubby says otherwise, he's lying. Plain and simple.

33 comments:

Jessica said...

Oh my gosh that was so funny! Almost every Q&A I read I could absolutely picture it coming from MY husband too.

Thanks for the laugh this AM!

Creative Junkie said...

My God, Helene - are you married to my husband or what?

Missy said...

These have to be my favorite posts that you do! You are too funny but right on! I love them all!

Meg said...

lmao..... too funny. My husband would say much the same thing.

Tina said...

That is just like my husband. Everything I say he turns into a sexual thing. It really cracks me up because it comes out of nowhere. You would think I would be used to it after almost 11 years.

Jen said...

this is great. I know that my hubby hears the same thing all the time. And the sex thing is so true everything that comes out of my mouth some how turns into a proposition for sex. I don't get how the do it.

Tami said...

OOH MY GOSH! LOL, I'm laughing so hard I have tears! I have to agree with Tina, he comes out of no where, and then follows me like a puppy, soon as the the older ones leave, (LOCKS THE SCREEN AND THE DOORS) he puts Caleb to bed, and gives me the "look"

It's then I run for cover!

newlyweds said...

Men, they all think the same about 1 thing, My hubby is the same exact way!!! Now I will have to use the Mom question, lol!

The Daily Dean Chronicals said...

OK! So we must be married to brothers! #3 is especially my hubby! Sex is always on the brain or a motivating factor! Thanks for the laugh!

Karen said...

According to every guy I know, this is absolutely true.

And it was very funny. Tim was a good sport for participating. :-)

MamaHen Em said...

Yep. I'm pretty sure that is EXACTLY what my hubs hears. This was too funny!

Janna Bee said...

Absolutely hilarious... and true.

CandiceR said...

You've got the man talk system down pat 100% ! On another subject- I'm playing tag and you're it if you want to play come see my blog for more info

Debbie said...

These have been so funny and clever!

Alisha said...

haha, that's great! And totally true!

PS - Make sure you check out the annual Tuesday F. Whitt Blog Party, going on till the 12th! Let's kick pediatric cancer's butt one dollar at a time! Go to http://www.fundraiserblog.blogspot.com/

Heather Happymaker said...

It's so true! How is it we're ever able to communicate? I wonder if our husbands think we're completely different people than we are based upon miscommunication. Hilarious!

wife.mom.nurse said...

I especially love # 1.

They all had me in stitches!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Of course, I love this!

My husband once told me, after I said my head was hurting, "I know what will make it feel better."

Excuse me, he has said that several times!

I'm telling you, they share a brain.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

After reading this to hubby, he reminded me that we know somebody with 2 sets of twins (all girls). Now they're in their late 30s/early 40s.

The Mother said...

Men have millions of years of evolutionary biology behind them when they think about sex all the time.

The problem is, we have millions of years of evolutionary biology behind us when we save our energy for our children and send them crawling home to mother.

Fearless Mom said...

LOL.

Deb said...

Great post! Love that you've captured the mindset of men the world over. :) It's completely universal, isn't it?

Mrsbear said...

I knew they only had one thing on their minds! In all fairness, #2 around here always translates to "I don't want to cook tonight." lol.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Utter brilliance, Helene. I really liked how this post illustrates what a soul-full and incredibly insightful man you married. :)

Oh, and if you promise not to tell, I totally use the trick you mentioned in italics. Nothing turns a guy off faster than a reference to his mother!!

-Francesca

Clare said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and cheering me up. I am feeling much better. I had years of infertility and was finally blessed with a lovely daughter.

Aim said...

sounds about right! Funny how they can spin everything their way. :-)

ParentingPink said...

Love the "say vs. hear" list! I can relate to ALL of these....not sure if that's a good thing or not! LOL

Hajar Zamzam Ismail said...

Heehee, that's so, "Everybody Loves Raymond."

kristi said...

ROFL! Are we married to the same man?

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Oh my! I am laughing so hard right now! That was awesome!

Elizabeth Channel said...

Recently my husband (who is well-aware of my weight-loss goals) said, "I don't know why you'd want to lose any more weight...there's no more to lose!" (There's at least 15 lbs more to lose for me to fit into only a few of my normal pants.)

When I complain about my new haircut that I hate, he'll encourage, "I don't ever look at your hair. I'm too busy focusing on your face."

Riggghhhht...

Jennifer said...

This is GENIUS! It's like deciphering Bible code!!!

MommyAmy said...

LOL!!! Classic... :P

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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