Thursday, June 11, 2009

Stop by my E-Bay auction today....Buy 2 kids and get 2 more for free!

Yesterday was rough. I won't sugar coat it. It was ugly. All the kids seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning. By 8:04 am, they were all in meltdown mode....as Tim walked out the door heading to work with a smile so bright on his face, I almost felt tempted to throw a frying pan at his head. He said, "Bye sweetie, hope you have a nice day" and then he ran so fast to his car that he left skidmarks on the front porch. The asphalt was still smoking as he peeled out of the driveway....

At 8:56 am, Bella kept asking me about a pinata. "Mommy, can we see pinata today?".....WTH? I told her "NO, we are NOT going to Target today so forget any pinatas". She stuck her bottom lip out and started to cry, as she was very frustrated and screamed at me, "No, not THAT pinata...the other one". Again, I had no clue what she was talking about and told her as much. She folded her arms against her chest and screamed, "You just never understand". Oh, the drama of it all...

Then at 9:03 am, there was a knock on the door and it was Garrett and Landon's IE specialist, Kenyatta, coming to do her weekly session with the boys. Bella said, "See, that's pinata". I repeated, "No, it's Ken-ya-tta....not pinata". She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Yeah, that's what I was saying....". I didn't argue with her....I know how to pick my battles.

At 10:03 am, Kenyatta was wrapping up her individual session with Landon and told me how wonderful it was to have that one-on-one time with him. Yeah, I'll bet it was really nice....too bad I'll never get to experience it. Guilt....party of one....your table is now ready.

At 10:36 am, if I had to listen to another child screaming and crying, I knew I'd simply lose my mind (wait....I hadn't already lost it??) So I took them all out back. They fought over who was going to get to sit on the swing on the far left. It just had to be the swing on the far left. For crying out loud, the swing on the left is far better than the swing in the middle....everyone knows that. Then they discovered a dead mouse in the grass. They poked it with sticks to make sure it was really dead. Cole said, "Hey Bella, poke it's eyes out". Awww, my little nature lover....so gentle and kind.

At 10:52 am, I had had enough and said, "Okay, let's go out front and ride bikes"....and they all cheered and ran back through the house into the garage, leaving dirty footprints in their tracks. Thank God I never bothered to clean up the applesauce they spilled all over the kitchen floor at breakfast time....and the smashed pieces of American cheese....and the sticky maple syrup....(and let me just mention here that the maple syrup was from Monday's breakfast).

At 10:56 am, the kids were happily riding their bikes in the cul-de-sac, laughing loudly. At 10:58 am, those laughs quickly turned to blood-curdling shrieks as Garrett freaked out because Bella was trying to push him in the wagon, Landon wanted to ride the tractor that Cole was on and Cole refused to get off the tractor.....I frowned as I noticed that the neighbors who had been outside working on their yards were going into their homes, one right after the other....retreating inside to their nice, quiet, immaculate homes.

At 11:26 am, Garrett started playing in the gutter that was filled with dirty, disgusting worm-infested water. Cole and Bella were fighting over a ball and Landon was sitting in the driveway crying...for no reason that I could see, other than he had probably just realized that God, indeed, had not made a mistake in sending him to the wrong family. I imagined God was peering down on him saying, "You poor boy....I can't possibly send every single child in the world to Brad and Angelina. These are the cards you were dealt, boy...just suck it up".

At 11:57 am, their lunch was ready....a healthy, nutritious lunch of Kraft mac-n-cheese and sliced apples. The phone rang and I answered it. Foolish me....thinking just because the kids were sitting down and eating lunch that I'd actually be able to have a phone conversation. All the kids were suddenly glued to my side, screaming and whining about this and that. I'm not even sure who was calling, as I yelled into the phone, "Sorry, I can't talk now....but you can probably reach me later tonight after I'm checked into the psych ward". As I hung up, I prayed to God that it wasn't the realtor I had e-mailed earlier asking about a listing she had with SIX bedrooms and FOUR bathrooms....along with a secret treehouse built in the backyard by the mother who used to live there before she, too, went insane.

At 12:18 pm, 3 of the kids were chasing each other around the house as I was attempting to clean the dishes from lunch. Garrett had no diaper on, Landon had permanent black marker drawn all over his face, Cole was running after both of them pretending to be a monster....the little ones were screaming at the top of their lungs. Bella was in the bathroom yelling, "Mommy, I'm done pooping....you can come wipe by butt now". I walked in and said to her, "You don't know how much I've been looking forward to this all morning long....it's a complete honor for me to be able to wipe your butt". I don't think she knew what to make of that so she just said, "Um....you're welcome??" What's the beauty of sarcasm if it's always completely misunderstood?

At 12:22 pm, one of my neighbors knocked on my door to ask me if everything was okay. I asked, "Define exactly what you mean by 'okay'?" He smiled sympathetically. I tried my best not to cry. I assured him that everything was fine....the kids were just having an "off" day. He just stared at me, as if he were thinking, "Dude, they're like this EVERY SINGLE DAY....this is not just an "off" day....this is reality....face the music, lady". As he walked away, I'm pretty sure I heard him mumbling something like, "someone needs to call Supernanny".

At 12:24 pm, I looked out the window and noticed the neighbor's windows were all now closed....tightly, with the blinds down. I peered out the windows on the other side of our home and I noticed that that neighbor had her windows opened. I instantly felt bad....because she's a 3rd grade teacher and she was probably trying to enjoy the beginning of her summer break. Silly, crazy neighbor lady....my kids are going to completely ruin any hope you had of hearing the beautiful birds chirping outside your window...and for that, I'm truly sorry.

At 12:37 pm, after their diapers were changed, I took Garrett and Landon upstairs for their nap. I stayed in the room with them long enough to assure myself that they were too tired to leave their beds. I started to quietly creep out of their room when it happened....I stepped on that one damn squeaky floorboard and 2 little pairs of eyes flew open. CRAP!! And I was so close to freedom....

At 12: 58 pm, Cole and Bella started fighting over the scotch tape. "I had it first"...."No, I had it first"...and then the fists started flying and the screams escalated. I said, through gritted teeth, "Unless you two want to spend the rest of the day scrubbing the kitchen floor and all 3 toilets in this house, you'd better work this out.....and quietly, please". Their little eyes stared back at me, all wide and frightened. "We're sorry, Mommy....we'll be quiet". I brought my face closer to their little faces and practically spit on them as I said, "Oh, you better be....or I will personally stick my hands down each of your throats and rip your vocal cords out...do you understand me??"

At 1:48 pm, Landon woke up from his nap crying....WTH....an hour nap??? No, this is SO not fair. As I hurried towards the stairs to get him before he woke up Garrett, I stepped on this lovely little kitchen utensil from the kids' pretend kitchen...




Oh yes, right foot....full pressure....I burst into tears. I screamed, "Dammit, how many times have I told you all not to leave toys sitting out on the floor like this?!". Bella said, "Mommy, you said a bad word" and Cole said, "Well, YOU never clean the floor either".

And now Garrett was awake, crying right along with Landon. It was only 1:51 pm. ONLY 1:51 pm!!! The day was only HALF over. I grabbed a quarter from our coin jar and flipped it....it landed on HEADS. Heads meant "just deal with it....Tim will be home in 4 more hours". That was very fortunate for my kids....because TAILS was "stick my head in the oven until it explodes".

It's going to be a very long summer....

47 comments:

Tami said...

Let me say I feel your pain..well..kinda.

It's called Rhodiola rosea, a wonderful vitamin, or herb if you want to call it that, helps me deal with the lil buggers at work... my ying to my yang, my bestest friend in the entire world, I stroke it's bottle, knowing I can deal with life's miserable little tricks LOL.
El natural, and cheap at Swansons Vitamins dot com. LOL.

After the 94 quake, (and stepping on EVERY. SINGLE. FLIPPING. TOY. My children owned) open wounds on the feet and running down the hallway to reach them. I threw those beautiful little things away. And what was left, I explained....I step on ONE MORE. You lose them all. From that point on, They picked up their toys. I even felt like a bad mom, for tossing them in the trash, my feet though had NO sympathy for the tiny plastic dinosaurs.

I can't tell you how much I admire you. Being real, being YOU, your children are great, and so are you. Soon when the kids are 18 and you sit in your front room and the house is quiet, you'll wish for these years again. I do every day.

Morgan said...

You sure did have an off day, huh? The neighbor showed up at your house just to ask if you're okay?!?

I've had a 2 hour block of time like that (right after lunch) for the past 2 days. Where the tension in the house is incredibly high and I just need some quiet for a while, but can't seem to find it.

I've decided that I need to let the kids watch a movie or play outside for a while when I get super stressed like that. It's not good for them and it's not good for me when things get that tense. So movie or outside time after lunch today. We'll see how that goes.

I hope your day is better today Helene!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Sounds like my kind of day. Maybe we could share a room in the crazy house. And I swear!! Bo calls pinatas, kenyatas too! I am not lying. Great minds think/speak alike!

Shelly said...

Hi there! I've nominated you for the Kreative Blogger Award. Stop by my blog to pick up your button.

http://atticgirl.blogspot.com/2009/06/things-i-love-thursday-kreative-blogger.html

Heather said...

That sounds awful! I sure hope today is a better day for you. I wonder what it is that causes them to have off days like this...mine do it too.

Tracy said...

Oh man. I'm tired just reading about your day. Poor thing.

Elle said...

Wow! That as a really, really bad day. Look on the bright side.....ummm...hmmmmmmm.....at least you got a really good blog post out of it!

Hope the rest of the summer is more peaceful at your house. If not, let me know the address of the psych ward and I'll send flowers!

HarryJack's Mom said...

Oh, I'm crying, nodding my head, and laughing (you did aim for funny, right?!) I can totally relate, then feel guilty that I only have two....hoping you have some fun summer diversions planned! And you described what I imagine people are saying whenever I say it's an 'off' day with the neighbor's visit. Hope today's better and you have only good post-worthy moments :hug:

Laura said...

I think anyone that leaves skid marks and peels out of the driveway should give his wife Saturday off to do what evah she wants to....AWAY from home!

Meg said...

i really do think it was just something in the air this week. So far today it better, but I won't hold my breath that it will last,cause I would die.

June & Sean said...

Oh gosh that sounds like a stressful day! I hate those days where you're counting down every minute until the husband comes home! I can certainly sympathize with you, it's been pouring here for days on end so I've been trying to provide all the entertainment while cooped up in a two bedroom apartment! I think we both need the weekend to be here.

Karen said...

I have no words. That just sucks.

I was so tired as I was reading your post. And when I saw that I was at the part that was only 12:22pm, I just felt really bad for ya! Maybe having a job isn't so bad...

MamaHen Em said...

Did one of your neighbors really come over and check on you? Because I think mine just sit at home and take bets on the exact date the men in white coats are coming to take me away.

And I only have two.

Who are both in school for part or most of the day, except for our five week summer break right now.

It's really nice to know that I'm not the only mom who practically spits on her children while being one inch from their faces, trying to not scream.

What is it about such little people that can put mama's in such a bad place? If one more child in my house questions my answer on something again, I may not survive the next three weeks. . .

Stephanie Stearns Dulli said...

Oh man, that is a rough day!

The Mother said...

I'd love to help you out on that eBay thing, Helene, but I'm in the getting-the-kids-OUT-of-my-house phase.

Last night at dinner the Goth was teasing me that I'd have grandkids before the last kid was out of the house.

I turned to the Engineer, home for the summer, and reminded him where to buy condoms.

The Plateniks said...

I think I remember some lady getting arrested for putting her kids on ebay. Jail would be nice and quiet though, and no cooking there, right?

The Lane Family said...

I LOVED this blog and I am also so sorry!!! I am glad to know that I am not the only one that has thought of checking my self into the "nut" house. Padded rooms and 3 square meals a day sounds pretty darn good to me!!

I also can relate to your husband racing out to work. Mine does the same and always says "have a nice day" while a child is screaming or pooping their pants or who knows what. I think they should have the oppurtunity to spend a week by themselves with all the kids and get everything done we do...wait that would never happen.

Hang in there and feel free to share with all of us readers!!

The Lane Family said...

I LOVED this blog and I am also so sorry!!! I am glad to know that I am not the only one that has thought of checking my self into the "nut" house. Padded rooms and 3 square meals a day sounds pretty darn good to me!!

I also can relate to your husband racing out to work. Mine does the same and always says "have a nice day" while a child is screaming or pooping their pants or who knows what. I think they should have the oppurtunity to spend a week by themselves with all the kids and get everything done we do...wait that would never happen.

Hang in there and feel free to share with all of us readers!!

Jenny said...

What a crazy day! I have 1 child, but everyone says she is like 3. She's really wears me out sometimes!

Amy said...

wow, sounds so ridiculously familiar, I'm so sorry! I'm just waiting for a neighbor to show up asking if everything's ok, because it can only be a matter of days. I hope your summer gets better and that you find peace(if you do, please let me know where:)

Kathy B! said...

This happens. And I'm so sorry because it's totally gonna happen again. Sigh.

You handled it as best you could, though, and when it's all said and done that's really the best there is.

Chin up, Helene. There are only 9 million days of summer left. And I'd recommend some popsicles. Whenever summer insanity gets the best of me I hand them posicles and send them outside. A little sugar and outdoors helps a lot. Plus you get to wash them with the hose before they come in and listen to them scream about the cold water... It's oddly cathartic ;)

Kristina P. said...

I am exhausted reading this!!!

Jen said...

I had that same day on Monday! I completely feel your pain!

Ms Carly said...

I love your blog , funny your everyday life makes me feel like im not going throgh it alone. I have 2 boys 4 and 3 mo. I hope to get blessed with twins. I always pray for them . Just remember it goes by fast . I always have to remind my self that when I just want to hind in the bathroom .
thanks alot for your blog .
Carly

Alisha said...

I had a day like this yesterday. Oh boy do those days suck!

Deb said...

O-k, now I need a nap after reading you post. Whew! What a long 1/2 day? My husband said this morning as I was cleaning the kitchen at 7 am, "See you honey, I'm going out for a run." Yeah. How often do I say that to him? To anyone? I could use a nice long run, walk, nap, something!

Hope your day got better. Aren't they the cutest when they are asleep???

Dee said...

ROFL!!! Your title caught my eye! I was like, "What??!!" then I started to read your blog and nearly fell off my chair laughing!!

Yes...God does have a wonderful sense of humor-its why our lives are so unique, different and funny!

Safe hugz,
Dee
A Mom's Journey

PS I have to link this post/blog to my site! People are going to laugh but understand at the same time!

blueviolet said...

Hey stranger! I'm back online but my url is a little different. I just joined the follow me club again. :)

Musings of the Mrs. said...

And, my biological clock just stopped ticking...

kristi said...

LOL...you had me at the Brad and Angelina line!

Glad that I am not the only one who loses their damn mind when their kids go crazy!

Sadia said...

*hugs*

We all have those days, but that's no comfort at all when we're in the midst one.

You're a stronger woman than I. I work precisely to have non-child-wrangling time. I couldn't do the SAHM thing.

Think "Tomorrow" from Annie.

Alicia said...

Oh my gosh....that was sooooooooooooooooooooooo funny!!!!! That should be in some magazine article!!!!!!!!! LOL about the toy and your sons comment!! Hahaha! And your neighbor..lol!!!

Oh..everything...loved it!!

Heather Happymaker said...

I just snorted spit all over my chin when I read, "Mommy, you said a bad word!:" lol.

Thanks for the yuks. I don't know how you do it. Honestly!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Oh, you poor thing! I cannot imagine.

Did I ever mention a high school classmate also conceived twins first through IVF and then another set of twins spontaneously? I think she has four boys under the age of seven now.

Jennifer said...

Woah.

Uh, you need a vacation, stat!

Claroux said...

I feel your pain - well at least a portion of your pain. I have NO idea how you do it with two sets of twins. i know that I could NEVER be a SAHM because of days like that. I need time away from the kids to maintain my sanity. You are my hero for staying home with TWO sets of twins!!!

OH - and believe it or not I knew EXACTLY what toy you were taking about before I scrolled down to see the picture!!!!! I have stepped on it numerous times. That toy is the bane of my existence at home. It's worse than stepping on leggos. TOTALLY deserved a bad word when you stepped on it. In fact, I hate that stinking mini pasta scoop so much I just might go track it down and make it disappear!

Fantastic post. Hopefully the rest of your summer will go MUCH smoother!

Zeemaid said...

I love Kathy's suggestion with the popsicles.

My other way to occupy them is to give them buckets of soap water, wash clothes and tell them to clean their outside toys. They LOVE it.

But it's hard to entertain them isn't it? I figure they should be able to play together and entertain themselves. Doesn't often work though.

Hope your day has gone better today.

wife.mom.nurse said...

my nerves are shot just reading this post...happy summer friend.

ToddlerCraft Onna said...

Helene-Oh do I know what you are talking about!! There are some times that you feel like you just can't take anymore!! You obviously made it through the day though!! LOL! I try the same thing-change the scenery-some times it works-but sometimes on days like you had, it doesn't!!

LaVonne said...

well, you are making me very thankful that I only have one. (Sorry.) And today I was getting frustrated with that one yelling and whining "Mom" in the back seat. I can't imagine more than one. God Bless you woman!!!!! try to stay somewhat sane this summer ;)

Mrsbear said...

Oh man, have I been there. Well not exactly, since mine are all scattered, but those off days, rife with battles and tantrums and head-in-the-oven moments...yeah, those I've had. And they suck, no sugar coating that either. Here's to both our survival this summer.

twinmama said...

I am feeling your pain...well, 50% of it at least. The girls have been crazy lately! I never know when someone is going to have a complete meltdown after being perfectly happy. It is the strangest thing.

The Knutson Klan said...

So funny! I have days like that too! Just wanted to stop in and say thank you for following My Four Monkeys! Have a great weekend!

~Angie
MyFourMonkeys.com

Kris said...

Wow!! How on earth do you have time for blogging with all that going on lol...geez...thanks for stopping by and commenting!! I despise laundry folding, etc...I have to do it as soon as it comes out of the dryer or I end up not doing it lol.

D said...

I can totally relate. I'm tired of stepping on toys. Two little boys and all those darn cars. Especially the micro machines,late at night,in the dark, and it's bad enough our dog is dark black and I'm trying to dodge her fuzzy butt and then I have to scoot around toys that can get jammed into my foot?! Austin's been waking up on the wrong side of the bed lately too. Last Friday it was so bad he was trying to convince my sister, and my mom, that it was Saturday instead so he wouldn't have to go to school. If I didn't have to listen to him cry it would've been kinda funny!

Mocha Momma said...

I hope that you'll look back some day and see the humor in this and fun you had in this chaos.

I know you love your kids and that you truly feel like UR going crazy. It must be worse when there are more kids in the house, but I pray that you'll find a little peace in each day to help you get through.

Hang in there.
Nannette

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I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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