Thursday, July 23, 2009

10 excuses I'm gonna start using to get off the phone quickly....

I used to be such a social, outgoing person. I loved being around friends, I loved being the center of attention....I loved being the life of the party. I also used to love chatting on the phone with friends for HOURS....

"So, do you think you'll like go out with him again and stuff??"
"I dunno....he was all like 'you're really hot' and I was all like 'okay, dude, you're creeping me out!"
"No way....eeeeewwww. Definitely cross him off your list and stuff. Okay, so what about that guy who like totally sits in front of you in your journalism class, the one who wears those ultra-tight jeans, he's way hot...."
"No way, he's totally wrong. He's always like looking at me like he wants to eat me alive and stuff. I'm all like 'eeewww....you are way disgusting and foul' and yeah he wears tight jeans but if you saw him from the front, dude, you would be SO not impressed".
"Well, then let's like hit the club this weekend....toss back some drinks, meet some guys, scarf pancakes at Denny's at 3:00 am. It'll like totally rock, you know".

Oh yes, that was me.....back in the day, when I was fun and cool...before I was a wife and a mother. I'm lucky these days if I'm able to have a phone conversation for more than 30 seconds before one of the kids is bleeding from any given orafice (ugh....and as I'm writing this, I asked my husband how to spell "orafice" and he raised his eyebrows and said, "hmmmm, what are YOU thinking about....which orafice are you referring to...heh, heh?"....Um, clearly NOT the same thing you're talking about, you sex-obsessed pervert).

Okay, so where was I before I got side-tracked by David Duchovny over here....oh yeah, the OLD me versus the NEW me. I rarely answer the phone these days and when I do, I find myself having to rush that person off the phone because of some emergency that will inevitably go down when I take my attention away from my demon spawn lovely children.

Now, usually most of my friends are quite sympathetic, leaving me voicemails like, "Hey, Helene....it's me, Ellen...you know, Degeneres. I have a quick question for you...I know you're probably busy feeding the kids (or killing them....whatever....) but give me a HOLLA back when you have some time, even if it's 6 weeks from now." And these friends are actually cool with it...they know I'll get back to them eventually (usually by e-mail) but nevertheless....

But then there are THOSE people who are clearly offended when I can't talk for a long time or THOSE people who get irritated that I don't call them back right away. THOSE people who don't have the slightest clue how serious I am when I say "um, I need to go now....a kid is bleeding....talk to you later". But they just keep chattering away..."oh, okay....oh wait....did you ever hear back from that lady who runs those music classes??". Why yes I did...let me fill you in on the details, while one of my kids bleeds to death.....no biggie.

So I've come up with a list of things I'm going to start saying to THOSE people when I need to get off the phone in a jiffy....

1) (sound of a baby crying in the background)...OH. MY. GOD. A baby just fell out of my vagina...(click)

2) Great...just great....my boys are peeing on the neighbor's cat again (click)

3) Oh no, I have to run....I just realized I'm late for a dr's appointment....to have my eardrums ripped out (click)

4) My kids are being chased by African killer bees (click)

5) Oh, another re-run of Roseanne is on...in other words, parenting class has just begun (click)

6) Oh wait, that's my call waiting....I'm gonna have to take this....it's Brad Pitt again...geez, can't the guy take "NO" for an answer? (click)

7) Yeah, so, uh....I'm gonna go gouge my eyes out with a pencil now (click)

8) (sound of knocking on door) Oh crap...it's the police...and they have 2 of my kids! I guess leaving the kids on the side of the road when they called my bluff was a bad call...(click)

9) Hey, the UPS guy just rang my bell....I'm about to find out "what brown can do for me" if you know what I mean (click)

And finally.....

10) What part of "I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW" don't you understand??!!

Random question of the day:
Cole: Mommy, do you think Barney is a boy or a girl dinosaur?
Me: I dunno...what do you think?
Cole: I think he's a little bit of both.

36 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I so love that you used the word vagina on here. Everytime I go to use it on my blog, which is a lot, I always use a euphemism.

I should own my vagina!!

MrsM said...

A little bit of both! I love how kid's brains work =)

I talk on the phone ALL THE TIME to my sister. We will seriously call each other four times a day some days. You should do what I do-if my kids need something I immediately ignore phone person and do whatever the kids need me to do. If they're cool and worth talking to, they'll wait. If they're demanding and rude they'll hang up on their own.

Problem solved! LOL.

If it is someone I am obligated to be nice to I always ALWAYS use the call waiting excuse.

"You know how I would LOOOOOOVE to chat with you MIL, but unfortunately that is the drs office/hubby's work/the pope on the other line. Chat with you later!"

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Good stuff! And I love the Barney comment!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

#1 and #9 are my favorite, and I didn't know my mother had been calling you! It is IMPOSSIBLE to get off the phone with that woman. So I often just don't answer. And that really ticks her off!
I'm cracking up about Barney being a little bit of both!

Tami said...

ROFL. I don't have 2 sets of twins..but I do have demon spawn.. I mean sweet kids. Yet the moment you get on the phone one of them will start picking on the other doesn't matter that they are 21, 18 and 6! Nooooooooooooo.. doesn't matter. They will tickle Caleb until he squeals like a pig, or he cries like someone is killing him. Then you hear the older grown up "MEN" laughing so hard because their brother is doing one or the other.

Evil looks don't work any longer. now I just take off my shoe and throw it at the OLDER ones. I've become quite good at hitting my mark!

Then I'm off the phone with a sigh of relief. I hate HATE talking on the phone for hours.. I feel like I'm neglecting my kids. LOL

Hit 40 said...

I always say that I need to go take my kids somewhere... swim team, music lessons, etc.

Tsquared417 said...

Very funny and so true! I may stick that list on my fridge. I like the UPS one the best. :)

Brooke said...

8 & 9 are my favorites :) but i have to say i've been tempted to stay #10 to my father!

(that whole "honor your parents so you days may be long" commandment? yeah i'm expecting to drop over any minute.

Living It, Loving It said...

Don't I know it? It is really is hard to do with a busy life, isn't it? And you especially, you have your hands full there with those wonderful blessings that have been handed to you.

BTW- your blog is part of my Follow Friday post. http://ohboy-boys.blogspot.com/2009/07/follow-friday-3-three-blogs-i-have.html

Morgan said...

Those are pretty good! Talking on the phone isn't as much fun when you're interrupted every 2 minutes.

Yes, I thought about your trip to the beach as we were traveling on the road. I so wish we lived that close to the beach!!! I think you were very brave to take 4 little ones there! I need to get mine swimming well so it's at least a possibility to visit the coast in another couple years.

I almost did your idea of our phone number on the kid's body while at the zoo. All I could find for writing at the time was a big red Sharpie marker. I wasn't sure if that was the best idea for marking with on a child's body, so we didn't end up doing it. I think I'd like to make little laminated cards that they could stick in their pockets, but than that doesn't work so well if yoru child doesn't have pockets...

Tracy said...

It's so funny you bring this up...I was just thinking yesterday, "I used to be such a fun-Bobby. Now, not so much."

Thankfully most of my friends and family understand and email most of the time anyway, but I'll be sure to use these going forward. :) Especially the side-of-the-road one.

Becca said...

I hate, HATE to talk on the phone. I like #8, #9, & #10. You crack me up.

Creative Junkie said...

Too funny!

How about a little reverse psychology?

#11: Oh hey, while I've got you on the phone, let me tell you about the 671 colors I found in my kids' poop today! It was like a rainbow threw up in their diapers! OK, let me set the scene ...

Melanie said...

I read your blog all the time; love it!
My mother is the worst about getting off the phone. She will even ask if you need to get off, then keep talking when you say yes! I have started saying 'I-gotta-go-love-you-bye' *click* when I really need to go.

Ambulance Mommy said...

oh thank GOD, it's not just me!! I used to love being on the phone, talking to friends all the time. But now, oh, the phone rings and I actually cringe.

None of my friends have kids yet. So they just don't get it, I guess. They say "but why can't you call us when he goes to bed?" ummm, because i need to do 10 million things, and then collapse in a huge puddle. Because i dont go out EVER, because i haven't seen that latest movie, or read that latest book, or heard that latest story, or done basically anything but potty training for the past 2 weeks and I just dont have anything more inspiring to say!

Thank god for the internet, anyway. Its how I find some sanity for myself, to realize I'm not the only one in this boat :)

Kathy B! said...

You are so stinkin' hilarious!!

And thanks for the warning about the killer bees!!

MamaHen Em said...

I have to agree - I think Barney is a little bit of both, too. He kinda creeps me out. Actually, he creeps me out - A LOT.

I think I may have to borrow some of your excuses. It never fails to amaze me that some people are so self involved that when a person says they need to get off the phone, they keep talking. Super pet peeve of mine!

Mother of Multiples said...

Ok so you are killing me right now. I love this post and I really love the gutter thoughts of your husband. It reminds me of my husband and everything goes to the gutter. I also want to comment on your post to me. Lets be clear that I am making it thru the summer but believe me I am ecstatic for school to start. I may sound like everything is great and it is but remember I have 3 that are babies that take lots of naps and dont talk back, argue or get into things YET...Talk to me next summer girlfriend

Jenny said...

Funny! My daughter always needs my attention when I'm on the phone. As soon as it rings and I answer, it seems like she runs to me yelling about something.

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

Mind if I use some of these excuses? :)

Kim said...

Love it! What I don't get is how my girls will be completely quiet and content UNTIL THE PHONE RINGS. The minute I pick it up, they're shrieking and hanging onto me. It's very bizarre how they can't stand for me to answer the phone.

The Mother said...

I think Barney is a creepy pedophile dinosaur. He has always given me the willies.

My favorite telephone line: "The kids are killing each other again. And now there's actual blood."

Janna said...

lol! Thanks for the laughs :)

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

You forgot, "Can't talk now. Kids caught house on fire AGAIN."

I'm sooo going to use the baby falling out of my vagina one!

Sharlene said...

The baby falling out of your vagina made me spit my water out!

Jen said...

I love those and I am totally going to use one or more especially if my MIL calls. hehehehehehe

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I take parenting classes from Roseanne too.

Dianna@KennedyAdventures said...

I've decided that I should just hand the phone to Rachel, while I go do laundry/cleaning/whatever else needs to be done. Think Bella would talk on the phone for you???

The High Family said...

sex obsessed pervert- HILARIOUS!

I don't have the "bleeding" children example but I do have ONE child who will sit next to me singing, screaming, asking questions, etc...and if those don't work then he will go beat on his sister. WTH?

Love your question of the day!

Nikki B. said...

very astute, cole...barney is the very definition of androgynous!!!!!

i never answer my phone.

people always say, "i don't know why i even bother calling you...you never answer your phone...i'm beginning to think that you don't want to talk t me...i can take a hint! hahahahahaha"

and i'm all, "it's about EFFING time!"

wife.mom.nurse said...

You'd think that having 2 sets of twins would be excuse enough!!! :)

Amy W said...

I'm still laughing about the Barney comment!!!

Mamatoosi said...

Hahaha! I'm a sucker for the UPS guys too. ;)

Kaleena said...

I think our neighborhood UPS guy is afraid to knock on my door. Last time he actually knocked on the door, it was total chaos. He needed me to sign and my hands were full, putting a diaper on a very naked Delaney. I handed him Delaney and said "here, hold this a minute while I sign, will ya?" He looked like I'd handed him a ticking bomb! Now, he just leaves my packages on the porch and flies away like a bat out of you-know-what!

HarryJack's Mom said...

You had me at the orafice conversation....take your girlfriends to see The Ugly Truth, or Tim if you're in the mood ;-)

Paula @ Organizing Tips For Moms said...

Ha! Ha! Thanks again.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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