Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Days 2 & 3: The Smoking Baby, Dead Bones, Captain Feathersword and the Fish Killers

A continuation of our "change of routine in a different environment....

Day 2: The day begins with Landon as our tour guide....he sits down first thing in the morning and scopes out the best places for families to bring their demon spawn children:



Then my dad and his wife (who made the mistake of planning his vacation in the same place we planned ours....hahahaha!!) called us and invited us over to their hotel to go swimming in the pool. Landon actually learned how to swim (with a swim vest but still....)


We had lunch at their hotel and then after that, my dad and his wife were yawning and saying things like, "Wow, I'm so wiped out...." and "I'm so tired, I don't know how you do this every day". We took that as a polite hint to basically get the hell outta there. We ended up down the street at the beach, where the water is usually a freezing cold temp of around 50 degrees. Yet, on this day, it was actually quite warm so we spent a couple hours in the lake. Well, me and the kids anyway...Tim stayed far away from the water because of his irrational fear of sharks. Yeah, I know...lakes and sharks....doesn't make sense to me either.

And of course no trip to the beach is complete until someone gets buried in the sand...


That night, all the kids crashed hard....they were all asleep by 7:30 pm. Victory!!

Day 3: On Tuesday, we got up and decided to hit Virginia City....the kids really wanted to ride the steam train. As I was reading more information about the city, I mentioned to the kids "Oh, hey, there's a really old cemetery there....". To my shock, they were excited. Excited?? Yet, these are the same children who are completely freaked out by the dark.

On the drive there, we had to go through Cave Rock.....


The kids were intrigued....intrigued enough to ask us questions about it for the next 20 minutes. I wish I were kidding about the 20 minutes but I'm afraid I'm not. "Daddy, how did they make a tunnel in the mountain?", "Mommy, did Jesus make that giant hole?", "Daddy, if there's only one tunnel then how do we get back...", to which Tim kept trying to explain that there were two tunnels...one on each side. They continued to argue with us about that fact, as if Tim and I were just born yesterday and had no clue about stuff like this.

We had some time to kill before the train ride, so we decided to stop and eat lunch. We were met with sympathetic smiles and anxious stares from the other customers, who were unfortunate enough to choose that same time and same restaurant to eat their lunch. The whole time we ate, Cole and Bella kept asking about the dead people in the cemetery...."when do we get to see the dead bones?" and I explained that first we needed to figure out where the cemetery was. Honestly, I was praying they'd forget.....but you think that would happen? Not a chance. Every store we stopped in, they asked the people working there, "Do you know where the dead bones are?". Lovely....

We stopped by a novelty store....one of those stores that has every single candy known to mankind (including all those candies you can't get anymore, like candy buttons and pixie sticks). All the kids picked out some candy and a few toys. One toy in particular caught Bella's eye.....the smoking baby. She could've gotten the fake vomit or the pretend dog poop but my 4-yr old daughter insisted on us buying her the smoking baby. And how could we say no to this sweet face (hers...not the smoking baby's)....

When I asked her why she wanted this particular toy, she said, "I wanted it because Oma smokes". Oma would be Tim's mother. Wouldn't this make for an excellent "don't smoke in front of children" campaign?

Finally, we were ready to board the train....when I asked Landon if he was excited about riding the "choo-choo", this is the smile I got....how sweet...


We sat across from a couple and their 2 young children, who were from Australia. Their son was 3 and their daughter was almost 2 and....get this....they had been traveling for the last 4 weeks across the country, starting in Florida and driving their way out to Nevada. No WAY on earth would I be brave enough to do that with my children, as young as they are. But then again, their children barely made a peep during the entire train ride, which was 35 minutes, while my kids sucked loudly on their lollipops and tried to spit on one another.

And of course, the huge water jug I had with us fell over, hit the floor and then cracked in half....water went EVERYWHERE. All I could do was smile, as embarrassed as I was....having no clue what to do. The Australian lady helped me grab some water bottles from our diaper bag and fill them up with the leftover water that hadn't spilled everywhere. The whole time I kept saying, "I'm so sorry....I'm so embarrassed" but she said, "Blah, blah, blah...". No, she didn't actually say that but I had a hard time understanding her because her accent was so thick. I just kept nodding my head and saying "yeah", while praying she wasn't asking me if Tim and I were swingers and interested in going to a party with them later .

Her husband was trying to keep the kids entertained as I was trying to clean up the water....oh wait, let me re-phrase that. He was entertaining MY kids, not HIS kids (who were still sitting there, strangely quiet, as if they had no clue that their mouths were used for talking, as well as eating). At one point, he looked at Garrett and Cole and said, "Can you say 'good day mate'"? They both just stared at him. Then he said, "How about 'ahoy maties'"? He had sunglasses on so his eyes were shielded from them....Cole leaned over and quietly said to me, "Mommy, you know who that is??" and I said, "No, we've never met him before....". "Mommy, it's CAPTAIN FEATHERSWORD from the Wiggles!!!". The guy just laughed and said, "Awww, yes....the Wiggles".


After we bid farewell to Captain Feathersword and his mute children, Cole and Bella were still talking about the dead bones so we stopped in the gift shop and I made Bella ask...."Where are the dead bones at?". The lady looked at us like "what have you all been smoking?". I said, "The kids want to see the cemetery....you know, because it's so old and historic" and she gave me another strange look and said very slowly, "Uh, the cemetery....many people don't usually come here and ask to see it". She gave us directions and we headed to "where the dead people are".

We parked in the lot and I stuck my camera out the window and snapped this picture....

Bella said, "Aren't we gonna get out and walk over there?". Yeah, right....I'm gonna let my children out of the mini-van and let them run all through one of the oldest cemeteries in Nevada? With my luck, I'd turn my back for 5 minutes and they'd have someone's Great Uncle Harry dug up. Then Cole said, "I bet Michael Jackson's buried there....".

On the way home, I was telling Tim about this trout farm that I had gone to a long time ago with my college roommates and I thought the kids would have a blast fishing there. The kids were all for this..."yeah, let's go to the fish barn". Where the hell do they come up with this stuff??

Shortly, thereafter we arrived at the "fish barn" and the lady running the place gave us instructions on how to catch the fish and what to do with them afterwards. As she said, "As soon as you pull them out of the water, place them on the tree stump and bang them over the head with this steel pipe.....", I saw Tim's face go white. "You want me to WHAT?", he asked. She explained it again....Tim looked at me and I said, "Oh yeah, I might've forgotten about that part....".

Apparently, according to the lady, it's more humane to whack the fish over the head so it dies quickly, rather than letting it flop around on the ground suffocating to death, which would be "slow and painful". The lady smiled at the kids and said, "The fish don't feel pain". All I could think was "Thank God this lady isn't a nurse in labor and delivery".

The kids each took turns throwing their lines in the water, waiting for a trout to bite and then pulling it out of the water. Tim then hesitantly grabbed the fish with a net and placed it on the tree stump and said, "I can't believe I have to do this....why don't you do it?" and I said, "Well, I have to take pictures....so you have to kill the fish". Cole grabbed the steel pipe from Tim's hand and said, "I'll do it...." and he proceeded to whack the fish over the head. UGH...it made me sick. There were tons of other people there (with kids younger than ours) fishing and none of them seemed to be as grossed out as we were about this part of the process.

Next thing we know, the kids are all fighting over the steel pipe..."I wanna kill the fish...", "No, it's my turn...move outta my way" and then Tim was yelling at them, "Stop!! You will all take turns hitting the fish or no one will do it". We both stopped long enough to look at each other for a minute and I said, "Wow, there's something so disturbing about that....". He said, "This'll be the only thing they'll remember about this vacation in 10 years....I'll bet you anything".

Perhaps the most disturbing thing was how Garrett reacted....he loves all things Disney, with Finding Nemo being no exception. As we headed over to the pond where the fish were, he was waving to the fish saying "Hi Nemo....Hi Dori". As he was banging the fish over the head with the steel pipe, he was yelling "Die Nemo...die". I said to Tim, "Let's pray he's not the one who the kids vote to take care of us when we're old farts".






At the end of the day, we went out for pizza. The smoking baby came with us and insisted on being in every single picture....(you know the drill, click where it says "click to start")






Everything was cool until Garrett got a hold off the smoking baby. Unfortunately, smoking baby met the same demise as the trout...



Oh, it was just a matter of time....

And now I need to go as the kids have found me....hiding in the closet as I type this. I guess there is no such thing as "parent rest time" during a "change of routine in a different environment".

41 comments:

Christina said...

Ok, I was scared to read it after just reading the title!! Glad I did. :))

Janna said...

So stinkin' funny! My favorite was meeting Captain Feathersword. Ha! Too bad about the smoking baby...
What a blast!

Alicia said...

I can't even comment on any particular part because the entire thing was hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Booklover1212 said...

OMG - I never laughed so much!!! The whole fish whacking thing had me in stitches!!! And poor smoking baby! At least she had a good time until the end of her short little life! LOL!

Thanks so much for sharing!

~ Jennifer
http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

ummmmm...what did you do with all the fish you let the kids beat to death?

feefifoto said...

Someday when your kids are older, consider taking them on a real Amtrak train ride, with sleeping cars and everything. It's one of life's lesser known delights -- sleep ON A TRAIN, in your OWN cabin, eat in the restaurant, explore. Kids love it.

Yaya said...

'I wanna kill the fish'...girl, I'm a bit worried! Lol!!!

I can't stand when kids ask questions about the same thing over and over and over again. Argh! That's how the 4 yr old I nanny for is and he drives me NuTs.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Meeting Capt. Feathersword, smoking babies, MJ's grave & "humanely" killing fish- my kind of vacay. Too bad the Capt. wasn't Anthony Wiggle. I'd swing with him. kidding. maybe.

Kristina P. said...

You have some amazing adventures! And I need to ask you to stop posting pictures of the beach because it makes me jealous.

Heather Kephart said...

Laughing myself senseless over the smoking baby! Whaaaaat? LOL! Talk about non-pc. Very funny.

Love Captain Feathersword. My son used to play that song like 10 times a day.

Also, are you HUMAN? How do you do what you do? You guys have so much fun and you're ALWAYS busy! And you still manage to write book-length blog posts that crack us the heck up. I mean seriously, I have the utmost respect for you.

Jenn said...

Omg that was the funniest thing i have read all week. I read your blog all the time, but don't think I have ever commented, but just had to say thanks for making me laugh so hard!

Tami said...

ROFLMBO! I'd love to be on vacation with you guys!

HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME AND KEEP THE HILARIOUS POSTS COMING!

MISS YOU MUCHO!

Jenny said...

LOL about Captain Feathersword and his mute kids.

I always see kids that sit nicely in strollers, while their moms peacefully shop and I just tell myself that they have to be brain dead. How else would they sit like that? I guess I have a "spirited" child.

Jan said...

OMG, that was so funny! I was laughing the whole time. Then, while reading your comments, I nearly pissed my pants because of Shelli! So funny!!

Stacey said...

hahaha OMG. I love the smoking baby! Too bad Garrett killed him. LOL.

MrsM said...

Your husband is right-the only thing your kids will remember in 10 years is fighting over the dead fish. This is the miracle of family vacations with little ones. =)

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

OMG - that is the funniest post ever! I love it all - the smoking baby is a great souvenir, I mean, doesn't everyone have one?
I absolutely love that Tim tried to get the Australian kids to say Good day mate!
Thank you for making me laugh this morning!

Theta Mom said...

Once again, I am CRACKING UP!!! The smoking baby is the best! I'm still laughing! LOL
I think every kid would reach for that smoking baby doll...so hilarious!
By the way, I am sooooo glad you went out the other night with your girls for some re-energizing time. Yay Theta Mom!!! I'm proud of you! ;)

Heather said...

Your kids are hilarious! A smoking baby??? Her reasoning acutally makes sense though : ) It sounds like you guys are getting in some good play time. Hmmm..haven't heard of sharks in lakes ; )

Morgan said...

I can relate to how your family gets exhausted in no time after being around your 4 kids. Mine is the same way. Sorry, but kids have a lot of energy and make a lot of noise. When you multiply that times 4, it's bound to get loud and crazy.

Kinda disturbing about the fish, but I'm glad you guys are having a great time!

HarryJack's Mom said...

Tears, please stop - thanx for making me laugh so hard. And thanx for being a great writer so I can just send friends and family over here to read about what hilarious craziness it is rather than type it myself ;-)

Oh, and do you read thriftydecorchic? your ribbons reminded me of her - check it out! Happy vacation; it's inspired me for ours next week ;-)

Becca said...

This is hilarious! I can picture them smashing those fish on the heads. But if the fish feel no pain, does it really matter how they die? I've never heard of laying fish out on a stump & smashing their heads with a steel pipe.
I loved that smoking baby.

Kathy B! said...

Your family is so much fun. I think there's a lesson in there about the smoking baby... maybe that's why her head came off! Too much smoking!!

I hope you got an autograph from Cat. Feathersword ;)

newlyweds said...

Oh My what a trip!! I was laughing the whole time!!! I think you guys can have a blast anywhere you go. Your kiddos are too adorable.

Angela said...

Reliving some of our memories with our kids leaves quite a different impression on us doesn't it! Tim and my Jon are too much alike! I have the great ideas and he either opts out or looks at me like I'v lost my mind! But I drag him along to make sure we do have a pic or 2 of him making memories w/kiddos.You keep Tim young! Capt Feathersword and the smoking baby (is she resting in peace, or will she make a surprise visit to family functions in the future (birthdays, prom nights, reherasal dinners, etc.?)

Jen said...

Wow, what a trip. Smoking baby is cracking me up!

AngieB said...

OK, I laughed so hard about the kids fighting over who gets to kill the fish I have to go change my pants. I LOVE your blog!

Brooke said...

lol @ the 20 questions through the tunnel and

:-O at the smoking baby!

Amy W said...

Wow, you can't buy pixie sticks in California anymore? My daughter got a HUGE (like a foot long and half an inch around) pixie stick from her kindergarten teacher for Valentines Day. What was she thinking???

Sharlene said...

I nearly peed myself reading this. Oh. my. gosh. I so want to take a vacation with you guys next time. I beg of you. Do a guest post!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Your family doesn't do anything half-way, do they, Helene? I was dying laughing at certain points in this post.

Are you counting the days until you are home again? :)

-Francesca

BoufMom9 said...

OH.MY.GOSH! LMAO at the kids fighting over killing the fish! HYSTERICAL!
Die Nemo, die!
Too funny!
Sounds like the PERFECT vacation that is going to be so full of awesome memories for the kids :)

Hajar Zamzam Ismail said...

My goodness, what an adventure! Woooow, I'm sure you guys will be talking about this vacay for the rest of your lives. :p It looks like so much fun.

MamaHen Em said...

Oh man! I laughed so hard over the fish. And the poor headless baby! You will TOTALLY be talking about this with your kids for years to come!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Your husband would hate Florida, where we have sharks in the ocean and alligators in the lakes and rivers. Oh, and crocodiles too.

But I've never seen a smoking baby in these parts.

You make me LMAO.

Creative Junkie said...

I'm not sure which is more disturbing - that someone dreamed up a smoking baby doll or that someone agreed to market it.

OMG, you had me laughing with the whacking of the fish! I wonder if any of your kids will grow up to become marine biologists?

Karen said...

Let me get this straight.

So, Tim is afraid of lake sharks, but he makes fun of you for being afraid of roller coasters??

There are so many things in this post to comment on, I don't even know what to say! Smoking babies?? "Die, Nemo, die!"

What an interesting adventure y'all are having!

The Mother said...

The verb "Vacation" cannot take "Mother" as it's subject.

Unless "mother" temporarily becomes "Woman who leaves her children at home."

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

May I come and watch your family do their "change in routine!?" You are the best!

The High Family said...

Smoking Baby? Oh so WRONG...but oh so HILARIOUS! LOL

julia f. Baca said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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