Monday, July 20, 2009

Time outs, marshmallow fluff and other things I've learned....

1) Kids are gullible. For instance, tonight Tim was giving the kids a bath (try not to keel over in shock...) and I was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen from dinner. The kids kept yelling down to me, "Mom....Mommy....Mom....Mama". I thought that by ignoring them, they'd eventually stop. But 10 minutes later, they were still yelling to me. So in my best Spanish accent that I could come up with, I yelled to them, "Mama no here....she say goodnight...she see you manana". Nothing but quiet.....if a pin had dropped (in Africa), I surely would have heard it.

2) Extra large zucchinis are not to be wasted. Apparently, when one goes a couple days without checking on the garden, zucchinis can grow rather large.



I have been informed by several people that zucchinis this large do not taste very good and are best to be scooped out and used to stuff with all kinds of odds and ends.

But me?? Well, I see other opportunities for which an extra large zucchini such as this one can be used for......


Yes, that is Cole doing a time-out....holding a giant 3.5-lb zucchini over his head. Not 2 minutes after the previous picture had been taken, he hit Garrett over the head with it. I said, "Do you realize how heavy this zucchini is? That really hurt him". It was at that very moment that the idea popped into my head.


3) Large zucchinis should be used for good, not evil. After Cole did the time-out, I started to worry that the kids would view vegetables as something bad. I didn't want them to have a lifelong fear of zucchini. So I decided to switch gears.


The zucchini, now named Marian, has become the reward for good behavior. You laugh....but I've never seen 4 kids behave so well in my entire life. It's amazing what a 3.5 lb zucchini can do to turn your demon spawn into little angels.

4) Desperate times call for desperate measures. When you are stressed out and overwhelmed, it's perfectly acceptable to grab a jar of Marshmallow Fluff and lock yourself in the laundry room while you eat the entire jar, as your kids bang on the door. If you forgot to grab a spoon, no worries....it's also perfectly acceptable to eat the Fluff with your fingers.

5) Something is better than nothing. Ever since the whole turtle debacle, Cole has been begging for another pet. After getting tired of listening to him whine about this, I filled a plastic bag with water and put one of his rubber sharks in it. I handed it to him and said, "Here you go....a hand-made fish tank with a shark in it". He stared at the "hand-made fish tank" and then looked back at me. I shrugged and said, "Hey, something is better than nothing, right?". Then he smiled and said, "I'll bet none of my friends have a pet shark".


6) Sometimes silence is the best response. My husband often thinks he's being funny. Like tonight, after seeing a Yoplait commercial on tv, he thought it'd be cute to repeat the Yoplait slogan while grabbing his private parts and saying, "Yeah, sweetie, enjoy life's little pleasures". Nothing but silence on my part. It was then that he realized that all he pretty much did was insult himself. I didn't have to say a word.

7) The only explanation you'll ever need. "But all the cool moms are doing it". Enough said.

8) Words will always come back to haunt you. Like, when you tell your husband, who's fuming over something you think is just downright silly, "Don't go away mad...just go away", make sure the kids are not within earshot. You may think they've forgotten about it but they'll repeat it one day.....and, chances are, it'll happen out in public at the playground (that you always go to at least 2-3 times a week). You'll stand there in shock as you watch your child grab a sand toy away from another child, who runs off to tell his mother....while your child yells out to him, "Don't go away mad...just go away".

9) Playdough and Moon Sand = A mother's worst nightmare. I'm convinced that whoever developed these two items for children did NOT have children of their own. I'm further convinced that it's THE BEST gift to get that one child, whose mother you can't stand, for his birthday. You know, the mother who makes you feel inferior and imperfect because she hand-knits all of her kid's hats and mittens, because she feeds him nothing but organic food, and because she owns a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and you don't.

Random question of the day:

Bella: Mommy, why is the sky blue?
Me: Because it's God's favorite color.

59 comments:

Kristen said...

this post made me laugh and it was even better that it was done with pictures. I love that you made him hold it over his head & then gave him a pet shark, classic!

Kristina P. said...

That is a huge zucchini! Vegetables really are punishment, I guess!

Mamatoosi said...

That shark idea was GENIUS!

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

'little pleasure'....OMG I would have died laughing right in his face! That's what guys get for always thinking with the wrong 'head'!

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

Ha! Love the creativity with the zucchini! You've had a busy week already ;)

The Redhead Riter said...

That is the biggest zucchini I have ever seen. You crack me up.

:o) Wishing you a fantastically wonderful Tuesday!

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

OMG I think that's why I love you! (in a total bloggy platonic type of way that is...) Ahem. Anyhoo, about a month ago I was in the kitchen making dinner when Mackenzie kept calling for me. Finally I said in a sort of Chinese accent and nasally voice, "Mama no here. She went to da store!!" Just like you, all I could here was ear shattering silence. Then Mackenzie veeery sloooowly walked into the kitchen, peeking around the corner with a "WTF?!" expression. I almost peed my pants!!

I LOVE your sense of humor. LOVE. IT!! I swear I would love hanging out with the kids running a muck!

I was so excited when I read that, I skipped the rest of your post :S. Off to read it now!!

Buckeroomama said...

Ooh, I love how creative you get!

You got me laughing out loud at several points throughout your post... ! I don't think I could keep a straight face if I were to get J to do a time-out holding a giant zucchini over his head.

Alicia said...

It's almost a guarantee that I'm going to crack up when I read one of your posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Living It, Loving It said...

Parenthood is great, isn't it? We all need humor just to get through, I can so relate. When I yell at my nine year old and he starts pouting, I tell I him "I am a crappy mom, deal with it!"

MrsM said...

Where can I get a 3.5lb zucchini?! I swear our children share a brain. That's right, I said it-one sinister brain for all 7 children between us. LoL!!

I'll have to try the Spanish accent thing. I've already got the marshmallow puff equivalent (mine is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups) =)

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

You honestly crack me up (with every post!) How do you do it?
I love your responses to everything!!! I love #6! Thanks for making my morning!

Kathy B! said...

Okay, I laughed so hard that my side hurts over number 6. I can't believe your hubby did that!

theselfloveproject said...

hi!

i am from follow me club and just became your follower..

Tami said...

You my friend are BRILLIANT!
I love your come backs. I love your playful attitude with the kids, My favorite...

Don't go away mad..Just go away.
LOL. I LOVE IT.

Your HILARIOUS!

Nikki B. said...

LMAO!!!

you friggin' crack me up!!!

that is one big zucchini!! dear god, woman...what are you feeding that thing????

do you know how many of those kinda things (like the yoplait thing) my husband does...and i am DYING...DYING to blog about them. every time he drops one of those lines, i'm all...."pleasepleaseplease can i blog that?" and he's all, "no way."

but, he doesn't read my bloody blog...so i should tell those stories anyway!!!

dude, you crack me up!

Creative Junkie said...

OMG - the zucchini over the head cracked me up!

And Tim's Yoplait debacle was hysterical!

I would just LOVE to be a fly on the wall in your house, provided your kids wouldn't trap me and keep me as a pet.

Theta Mom said...

You ALWAYS make me laugh!!! Your son holding the zucchini during the time-out. So funny! I also cracked up at the part about playdough...so true! And because she owns a pair of Jimmy Choo's...LOVE THAT! :)

Jen said...

my goodness, you sure learned alot. well put, my friend. well put.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Have you always been this funny? Seriously, Helen, this post rocked. Each time I come back to your blog you just keep getting better and better.

I have to say that #9 was my favorite. You gave a kid sand for his birthday?

You're good!

-Francesca

Mrsbear said...

I was just having the Play-doh conversation with someone yesterday. Her son had received some on his birthday and she'd wisely hidden it from sight. Whenever someone gifts us Play-doh I have to wonder what I did wrong...

BTW that is one ROCKIN zucchini. Not only are you a hilarious list writer, but you've gone beyond the green thumb. That's gold right there. Mine...more of a black thumb.

Cascia said...

I love what you did with your zucchini. When ours get that big we just chop them up and freeze it. Large zucchini's are only good for baking.

The Mother said...

I haven't had a kid small enough to play with moon sand for at least six years, and yet I still find little piles of it in odd places.

Don't even get me started on play-doh.

Someone at Hasbro has a sick sense of humor.

Tracy said...

I love Cole's attitude!

Funny...

MamaHen Em said...

You ARE the best mom ever! No way would I have A)decorated a zuccini B)Given my child a bag full of water and a shark or well, been nearly as creative as you. What genius thing will you come up with next??

feefifoto said...

Wow! Congratulations on your creativity with the zucchini and the shark. You have every reason to be proud of yourself.

Heather Kephart said...

That is hilarious! Why didn't I see the "good" zuke coming? Thanks for the laugh!

Family American Style. said...

That was a good post. Hi, Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is the second post on “What would your children say?” “Wednesday” It’s going to be fun sharing all those wonderful adventures our children do and say. I can’t wait. Please tell us all about them. Hope to see you tomorrow. Go to the logo that says “What would your children say?” “Wednesday” for full details.

wife.mom.nurse said...

Ok, I am going to have to change my pants, I peed em laughting.

Love the zuchini...how can you do bad when you have a sign on you that says mom rocks!

Oh and I love the idea for playdo and moon sand as revenge!!!!

Nancy said...

OMG I LOVE the decorated zucchini! LMBO!

As for the "mamma not here", I've not tried to disguise my voice (must add that to my to-do list) but when my kids holler "MOMMY"! I often respond with "she left"... they always say... No you didn't!

Maybe the trick is in the accent. :)

Laura said...

LOVED #6!! OMG that is so much my husband, too! And cool moms? How would your kids know about other "cool moms?" I loved your answer to Bella's question. It made me smile.

bonnieearly said...

Is that a zuchini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me . lol That's impressive. I love the picture of all the kids together. I can't believe how big the boys have gotten. Garrett looks so much like Cole..like a "mini-me." He's not Dr. Evil anymore.

Miss you guys.

The Lane Family said...

I loved the idea you used the Zuchini for and how the kids have completly fallen in love with it. It is funny the things that kids will fall for and so sweet when they do.

I also loved how you talked about locking yourself in the closet and eating the marshmellow fluff, I think it really is okay and so calming.

Finally I am so going to do the moonsand and playdoo idea because there are a few mom's that I think should have that honor!!!

Heather said...

What a brilliant time out idea! I love Bella's face in the pic of the zucchini...priceless, and I laughed so hard about Tim's insult to himself.

Snow White said...

that's excellent! love the zucchini photos :)

theselfloveproject said...

Actually spongebob was at universal studios...

we went to disney land and universal studios in LA.

Hajar Zamzam Ismail said...

Heeheehee, I can totally eat out a jar of marshmallow fluff!
I love the zucchini's verstility, LOL! It can be a tool with which to administer punishment, or it can be a reward for good behavior... no other vegetable can touch that, I'm sure.
The pet shark is great.
Although I am an organic food buff, I don't think I'll be sitting around knitting anything for my kids. I have thought of getting a pair of Jimmy Choos though. Thankfully I live far enough away that I don't have to worry about any play-dough or moon sand Birthday presents from you. Heeheehee. You Rock.

Amy W said...

That's a lot of random stuff!! Love the zucchini and pet shark. You're such a genius!!

Debbie said...

Locking yourself in a room while you eat or drink forbidden foods is the joy of motherhood. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't.

Mommy24cs said...

MMM marshmallow fluff. Only one of the best food inventions ever!!! My favorite snack is toasted italian bread spread with butter, nutella and topped with fluff..to die for seriously :o)

Karen said...

These are all really good, but Tim's "little pleasures" had me pretty much doubled over. Too funny!

And great idea with the zucchini. Both holding it over his head and turning into something cute and fun.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I'm lovin' #1, but we have Mexicans so mine are too familiar with Spanish. Maybe I could try French. or German...

Zucchini time-out rocks! Marian looks like Veggie Tales on steroids.

Single MEN invented both Play-Doh & Moon Sand. I'm sure. Let's Google it!

janice said...

Yum, marshmallow fluff- that stuff is dangerous ;)
The shark in the bag- hysterical! Love your sense of humor!

Jenny said...

"Yeah, sweetie, enjoy life's little pleasures"

LMAO! I am going to wake everyone up, I am laughing so hard!

I totally agree about the Moon Sand. That stuff is a mess!

jungletwins said...

Holy crap, how gorgeous are your kids! Little blond cherubs- so cute! Loved this post. Pet shark in the plastic bag- so awesome. And I too have been known to put away serious amounts of marshmellow fluff. Mmmmm

Morgan said...

I like your creative uses for giant zuchinnis- time outs holding one and then decorating it? Very original!

Another messy toy to avoid? Silly Putty. I learned the hard way on that one. It may look solid, but left on carpet (and blankets) it melts and becomes impossible to get off.

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

I must find a zucchini for my demon spawns... err, kids.

Becca said...

I LOVE this post. You are funny.

Kimberly said...

I love reading your posts! This one was no exception. I have to admit that I have a time or two, maybe twenty, locked myself in the bathroom to get a few moments of alone, that is until they figure out where I am and start incessantly banging on the door.

I loved that you created the fish in a bag! I would totally do this if I wasn't afraid that they would break the bag and soak some valuables in water. Definitely a good idea for the outdoors though!

Oh, and brilliant uses for the zuchinni! Why do brothers feel the need to hit eachother in the head with stuff? Great time out!

Brooke said...

lol! that reminds me of the golden girls epi where rose knocks on dorothy's door and dorothy says "i'm sorry, dorothy isn't here right now, please leave a message after the beep. BEEP"

and of course poor guilible rose does. :P

MAMA CEO said...

Classic! This made my night! Thanks!

Mother of Multiples said...

wow..love this post. You continue to rock and I love reading about you and what happens in your world. The Yoplait comment kills me because I thought just my husband did shit like that

Mother of Multiples said...

wow..love this post. You continue to rock and I love reading about you and what happens in your world. The Yoplait comment kills me because I thought just my husband did shit like that

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You are so creative! And hilarious of course. I love Marian, and the shark in the bag is absolutely brilliant.
Moon Sand is of the devil.

The High Family said...

There is always some crazy adventure in your household! love this post and especially the pictures!! your children are BEAUTIFUL Helene!

crafts said...

Author's creativity is awesome!! The author tried to make his views in a crazy manner. The pictures posted to explain it was really fabulous one!

Toddler Crafts Julie said...

Author's creativity is awesome!! The author tried to make his views in a crazy manner. The pictures posted to explain it was really fabulous one!

HarryJack's Mom said...

Do you read Pioneer Woman? She had a great zucchini straws recipe the other day...now I'm craving zucchini! Great growing :-)

ChurchPunkMom said...

Awesome post! Totally agree with you on the play-do and moonsand. Ick. And 'life's little pleasures' made me laugh.. HARD.

Your post will be discussed tonight on FiveStarFriday Live at 10pm CST.

http://ustream.tv/channels/fivestarfridaylive

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
Blog Design by Likely Lola