Sunday, August 2, 2009

Renegotiating my marriage contract....

Tim and I are about to celebrate our 7th year of marriage. "Celebrate"....uh, I'm not sure that's the exact right word since I can't envision us having any kind of party...or even getting to go to a romantic restaurant by ourselves. At best, we may be able to shout "Hey, sweetie, happy 7th anniversary...it's been a blast" to one another across the dinner table while the kids are all yelling at one another or perhaps a quick high-5 in the family room as we pass by each other.

So I've been thinking these last few days about how things have changed in our marriage since that blissfully happy day. Sometimes I wonder if both of our expectations have changed in regards to marriage. Is it what he expected? Is it what I expected? Could we be doing something different to make each other's lives more enjoyable, more comfortable?

Once I thought about it like that, I realized that, yes, my expectations have changed a little bit. So I told Tim that I'd like to renegotiate our marriage contract...he laughed. I said, "No, I'm serious....I'm gonna make a list and I'll submit it to you once I'm done".

1) You will always, always, always check to make sure the contents of the toilet bowl have been completely flushed after using the bathroom. I should never have to bear witness to your leftovers (or butt nuggets, if you will). Besides the fact, that this is good role modeling for our 3 male children, whose future wives will thank us someday.

2) You will greet me in the morning with a smile and a kiss (after brushing your teeth, of course). You should realize that every day is a fresh start....it should not matter at that point that on the night before, I was a complete bitch to you for no good reason, other than I had a bad day and somehow it was your fault, even if you were at work all day.

3) You will be a good listener....not just LISTENING but also HEARING what I say. You don't necessarily have to agree with everything but you do have to listen. And nodding your head every few seconds to show that you are, in fact, listening will earn you some of my delicious homemade cookies....oh and saying, "Wait a minute, let me turn off the tv so I can give you my full attention" will, more than likely, get you laid.

4) You should never make faces or say bad things about my cooking, unless you plan to do all the cooking. I never said I was Julia Child in the kitchen. Take-out works for me, too.

5) You should have realistic expectations when it comes to how often we have sex. Before kids, 3-4 times a week was realistic. After kids, once a month is realistic. I never said I was Pamela Anderson in the bedroom (oh, and speaking of, you should never ever expect me to make a sex video with you....taking boobie shots of myself and e-mailing them to you while you're on a business trip is as risky as I get).

6) You should not expect your mother and I to be the very best of friends. I agree to be respectful and polite to her and you should agree to back the hell off when I say "No, I do not want to spend an entire day shopping with your mother and that's final".

7) Just because we are married now does not mean that there should never be any romance. Date nights can still be a regular occurence (with some planning ahead, of course)....buying me a bouquet of flowers "just because" is still appreciated. And, of course, jewelry is always a welcome gift. In that case, I'd much rather have a diamond necklace than enjoy a nice, quiet dinner in your company.

8) You should always end every conversation, no matter how minor, with "I love you". Once the habit had been started, like it did when we began dating, it becomes my expectation. The one time you do not end a conversation with "I love you", I will automatically assume you're either cheating on me and/or do not love me anymore (even if that's so far-fetched that it's pathetic).

9) You should lovingly admire my body for all that it has been through. I will never again weigh 120 pounds, my stomach will never be completely flat and tight again, and my boobs will forever drag on the ground so low that I trip over them....HOWEVER, the compromise is that I carried your 4 children (2 at a time, mind you) and my body now bears the battle wounds of pregnancy and childbirth. It is something to be appreciated....I'll even go so far as to say it is something to be worshipped, especially since there is no way you'd survive pregnancy or childbirth if you had to do it.

10) You should always compliment my mothering abilities, even when I'm crying yet again over how much I have failed my children. It doesn't matter if I'm being completely unreasonable, you should know that I have set the bar high and I strive to be the best mother I can be at all times. If I have forgotten to give the kids their vitamins on any given day, you should know that I will beat myself up for hours over it and it is NOT something to laugh at, no matter how silly you think I'm being.

11) Lastly, you should know that 5 years ago, when you promised me a vacation to the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas for our 10th wedding anniversary, I took you seriously and I have not forgotten it. I've got 7 years down....only 3 more to go. Do not think for a second that I am NOT counting down the days until then.

Dare I ask him if he wants to renegotiate his original terms, too?

53 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I don't even have kids, but I think we need to renegotiate some of these things too!

Morgan said...

Okay, #1- EWWWWWWW!

Happy soon to be anniversary! We're getting ready for one too! I'm trying to think of somewhere to go for #10...

Jenny said...

LOL! In a few weeks, we will be celebrating our 8th anniversary. My how things have changed and we only have 1 child!

Have fun on at the Atlantis resort :)

Stacey said...

Amen! LOL. This should be a standard for every couple at their 7th anniversary. ;o)

Laura said...

You were a beautiful bride, Helene! Congrats on "lucky" #7!!

Alicia said...

Love that wedding picture!

And lol at #7!!

Veronica Lee said...

Happy Soon-to-be Anniversary! You were a beautiful couple.

natalee said...

Happy anniversary/.You spoke for alot of women,,I want to yell AMEN SISTER!!! Happy Anniversary.. I am a new follower and Im so glad I found you..Natalee http://totmama.blogspot.com/

Theta Mom said...

Happy Anniversary! We just celebrated our 7th in June. I really like that idea of planning somewhere for the 10th, I'm going to get on that! This post highlighted what all mothers feel...when you first get married you are a wife and throughout the maariage, parenting changes things quite a bit. I think our patience (for each other) is one of the first things to go!

Tami said...

LOL, I'm dyin! I LOVE your wedding photo! You're a BEAUTIFUL BRIDE!

I love coming to your blog, you have the best lists and you always hit the nail on the head! #1 sorry to say after 21 years of marriage the butt nuggets NEVER go away. And the sad thing, They DO PASS IT ON TO THEIR CHILDREN!
nasty men.

HUGZ

Christina said...

Oh my you gorgeous bride!!! I can't wait to show my husband this post, he's going to die!!
Come and see me at my blog, and tell me how to stop my child from throwing her pacifier out of her crib then SCREAMING bloody murder until I give it back, then repeating the process until I go nuts. She's KILLING ME, and causing her sister to not sleep!!!

Kathy B! said...

Absolutely brilliant! But just hand him your list. DO NOT offer to let him renegotiate his!!!

Creative Junkie said...

Holy crap, we can renegotiate?

OMG - that opens up a whole world of possibilities. I would totally renegotiate Article Two, Subsection 4, chapter 4: He who grabs his crackberry when his wife is attempting to have a conversation with him shall thereafter become celibate. Forever.

Creative Junkie said...

ACK - I forgot to mention: you were a gorgeous bride!

Heather said...

You're hilarious & so right! Happy Anniversary!

Shelly said...

LOL Great terms! Happy anniversary!

HarryJack's Mom said...

LOL! We're packing for our 10th anniversary trip at the moment - at first, I thought I'd like to see Tim's list, then I realized it probably has one items, reworded for variety, but still one expectation....ack, men!

I am doing the toilet training in reverse - my two wipe all drips, check for content clear, etc. and it seems to be rubbing off on DH ;-)

Enjoy your anniversary - the picture is gorgeous. Hope you can get some of the romance and good stuff going!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Too funny! Happy Anniversary!!

newlyweds said...

How funny, and so true, I need to send this to my hubs to read!! Great post. How's the garden coming along?

Jen said...

this is awesome! We are having our 7 year anniversary soon too. I think that a I am going to take this post and tweak it just a bit. We have some issues to work on.

Mommy24cs said...

Hubby still owes me a first honeymoon since I was knocked up with baby #1 and we had to move our wedding up therefore only giving him 4 days of leave from the military and don't think I have forgotten either! LOL

Your dress is amazingly gorgeous! Happy Anniversary to you both :)

We just had our 18th and hubby is still alive so it's all good haha.

Hit 40 said...

My husband does flush!! Just cleaning the toilet is kinda a 3d experience because I have to get about 3 feet around on the floor and on the walls!!!

Brooke said...

lol! the countdown is on. thought about putting a ticker on the side of your blog?

Jan said...

Your dress is amazing! I love it. Happy anniversary.
You asked if the lush green and the picket fence was my front yard, no, it's my backyard. It is my dream, it is so peaceful...until the quiet is replaced with the squeals of laughter and play from my grand kids...and that is a dream come true too!
Thanks for stopping by my little blog too!

Meg said...

ahahahahahahahahaha..........nice!

Desiree said...

Happy Anniversary! I would love to hear if he decides to renegotiate his terms as well. But until then, HILLARIOUS post and sadly it's so true for a lot of us...

MrsM said...

Congrats on seven years! We celebrate 7 years this year too (in November). A lot changes over the years, but I think it's all for the best.

Overall. LoL.

Mother of Multiples said...

You rock girlfriend..can I do a renegotiate too.

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

So do you care if I borrow your terms, print them, & give them to my husband?!?!? You are too funny! Thanks for a great laugh this morning!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Can you forward that on over here? And you should have gotten that Bahamas trip in writing. Loved your wedding dress.

bonnieearly said...

Wow has it already been 7 years? Give me a call and I'll come by and watch your little nuggets so you and Tim can have a nice warm dinner without having to cut someone elses steak, as you would at home.

So that means it's been 7 years since I started TTC Quinn. It's weird, but I remember going to your wedding and then heading out of town for a baby making weekend. ha ha, if it had only been that easy.

Angela said...

I Dare You!!! My Anniversary tribute was a little mushy, now wasn't it? Did you gag? You must not've gotten too sick, because of the nice comment you left! Our dinner out was great, but the next day....HA No mush around here, maybe I want to renegotiate as well. Happy Anniversay! You make me feel old!

Kimberly said...

Helene, I have just recently come across your blog - I have 2 sets of twins also - all girls, 3 1/2 years apart! Love this post - we celebrated 10 years this Feb. What a challenge it's been - years of infertility followed by twins and then more twins. We are exhausted and things have not been easy for most of our marriage but continue to adjust and recognize that these are the intense, hard years! Looking forward to more of your posts - I recently started my own. I had no idea how therapeutic this would be! Happy Anniversary!

The Mother said...

Renegotiation is hazardous--especially if you give him his turn. I vote for ignoring. Works for me for 25 years.

Sharlene said...

I've been married for 7 years as well and renegotiation isn't even up for discussion. Reality is what it is. At least now I know I am not the only one who's life isn't as sex flled and who's stomach is nowhere near as tight. Thank you once again for making me feel normal.

Sharlene said...

I've been married for 7 years as well and renegotiation isn't even up for discussion. Reality is what it is. At least now I know I am not the only one who's life isn't as sex flled and who's stomach is nowhere near as tight. Thank you once again for making me feel normal.

Karen said...

I'm going to have to keep these things in mind if I ever find anyone willing to marry me!

BoufMom9 said...

OK, I am totally copying this list and giving it to my husband.
LOL about the butt nuggets! heehee

Mrsbear said...

If he does renegotiate, you'll definitely have to make that a post. I'd love to see what he came up with. I'm with you on number 5, I have one good day during the month where I'm ready for "love" the rest of the time I'm ready for sleep. ;) Four kids will do that to you - nature's birth control.

Kim said...

May I just say, your wedding dress was GORGEOUS!

Parents by Choice said...

Happy Anniversary!

I was there on that glorious day, so I was witness to it all...

But as a guy, I must say: If YOU get to renegotiate, then so does Tim. I'd like to see HIS list!

Funny stuff, Helene. Funny stuff.

Amy said...

Wishing you a very happy Anniversary. I love this post. I may have to do something like this when mine comes up. Yes, Judy Garland is my great Aunt. Have a wonderful day.

ToddlercraftsSusan said...

Helene..Marriage tends to be always beautiful at the beginning. What will be the next depends on how we manage to keep it along our life. Thanks for sharing your ideas and experience of it. Toddler Crafts Susan.

Yaya said...

Happy Anniversary!
So once a month is what I have to look forward to?


PS Thank you for stopping by my guest post at Amy's the other day!

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

Happy Anniversary! I'm with you on renegotiating the terms. I think that anyone who has had 2 sets of twins should feel free to come up with their own terms for marriage. Mine include stipulations on who changes diapers. Critical info in my house.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Have I told you before that you are brilliant?
I'm considering framing this and hanging it on the bedroom wall.......

Paula @ Organizing Tips For Moms said...

Yes! #7! It's been a while since I've been here. I've been slacking. Off to catch up on my reading! You make me laugh--thanks!

Momma Such said...

You are hilarious! I love this! Mind if I copy it and show it to my hubby? ha ha! I'm following you from MBC! :)

Jenjen @GottaLoveMom said...

Lovely wedding pics..
Totally funny and can't wait to hear when you celebrate your 10th at Atlantis!

Jennifer said...

I'm going to print your contract out and hand it over to my husband. Specifically highlighting NUMBER ONE!!! LOL!

Mamatoosi said...

*laugh* I need to show my husband this list. I think he'll then stop complaining about what I put up online. HAHAHA!

The High Family said...

May I borrow this to show my husband when we celebrate the wonderful 5 year mark on 8.21? It's perfect!!

So when's your book coming out again? ;)

gloria Walshver said...

I just celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary I would love to win the doll for one of my granddaughters.
gloriaDeal@aol.com

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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