Wednesday, August 19, 2009

So my whole "psycho killer" theory wasn't so off now, was it?

So last night I was sitting at the kitchen table playing around on the computer, while watching a re-run of Oprah. Happy as a clam....yes, I was. The kids were asleep....Tim was upstairs watching his favorite show. All was good in my world.

All of a sudden, the electricity began to flicker....on, off, on, off, on, off....it stayed off for a few seconds. Then it went back on again. Hmmmm, I had no idea what was going on. Then it happened again...it just kept flickering on and off as if someone was messing with the wires outside.

OMG, some psycho killer is outside of our home messing with our wires, trying to cut off our electricity and our phone lines. I sat still for a minute, with the tv muted, waiting to see if I could hear anything outside. I didn't hear anything so I went back to playing around on the computer. Then the lights flickered on and off again, as well as the tv. And then something hit the back porch sliding door.

I ran up the stairs and burst into our bedroom where Tim was laying watching tv. I said, "Did you notice the lights flickering on and off?" and he said, "Yeah....". I just stared at him and then said, "Well....what are you gonna do? I also heard something bang against the back sliding door!" He said, "What do you want me to do?". In total disbelief, I said, "There's probably some psycho killer outside messing with our electric box...he's probably already cut the phone lines. And I bet that thud I heard against the sliding door was our cat. I bet he's killed our cat and he threw her at the back door to taunt us! Aren't you gonna do anything?!"

He laughed. He found this amusing. He said, "Are you serious?" then he quickly dismissed that question when he realized I was damn serious. He said, "Did the neighbor's electricity go out too?" and I said, "I don't know....if it had, I'm sure it's not a coincidence. Maybe the psycho killer has already shut off their electricity, murdered them and now he's moving on to our home....". He shook his head...but he continued to lay there.

I handed him the flashlight (which also doubles as a weapon, in case you weren't aware of that little fact) and said, "Please go check it out...". He rolled his eyes but before going down the stairs, he went into his office and grabbed one of his swords from his sword collection (no, I'm not joking...yes, he's a grown man with a sword collection).

I tiptoed behind him as he walked to the front door. He opened the door and screamed, which made me scream. He turned around and started laughing.....jerk. I said, "Come on...knock it off. This is serious". He said, "Okay, I'm getting serious...". He walked to the side of the house where our electricity box was and then all I heard was silence. I said in a loud whispered voice, "Tim....is everything okay?" No answer. "Tim.....are you okay?". Again, no answer. I said it again a little louder but he still didn't answer. Geez, great....the psycho killer had probably grabbed the flashlight from him and knocked him unconscious so it was gonna be up to me to protect our family. What was I gonna do....give him a vicious titty slap? Oh well, maybe if I seemed confident in my fighting skills, I'd scare him off.

I walked around the side of the house and Tim was nowhere in sight. And it was pitch black outside. I said, "Okay, Tim....stop screwing with me. I'm going back into the house and I'm locking the door!!". As I was heading to the front door, I saw him come out from the backyard rolling the garbage can down to the sidewalk. "I figured I might as well take the trash out to the front, in the meantime....", he said. Yeah, whatever. He said, "There's no one back there...I made sure the electricity box is closed tightly, okay?"

We both went back inside the house. I got back on the computer and he retreated to the bedroom to watch his show. About an hour later, the lights flickered on and off again a couple times. Then I heard Tim scurrying about upstairs and as I ran up the stairs, he came running downstairs. He said, "Okay, now I'm convinced that something is going on....I'm gonna go outside and check again".

As he opened the front door, we saw a car turn around in our court and drive off. I stood on the porch, while he went around to the electricity box to examine things. He quickly came back and said, "Someone was messing with our breakers". I said, "Stop messing with me....you're freaking me out". He said, "I'm not trying to freak you out, sweetie, but I KNOW I closed that box tightly and now it's wide open. It's not like it could open up by itself...someone had to have opened it up". I still thought he was messing with me and I said, "You're totally messing with me". He grabbed my hand and walked me around to the side of the house where he demonstrated how the box looked when he had shut it tightly earlier and then how he had found it wide open. Okay, now I was officially flying off the handle....

"OMG, we need to call the police...." I yelled and he said, "Well, at the very least, at least call security and ask them to patrol around our court and see if they notice anyone suspicious. Honestly, I think it's just some smart-ass kids playing their version of doorbell ditching". I said, "What ever happened to throwing a flaming bag of dog crap on someone's front porch and then running off? I mean, that's how we did things back in my day...". Man, I felt like I was 75 years old at that moment. Back in my day?? 40-yr olds aren't supposed to use that terminology.

I called security and yelled into the phone "Someone was screwing with our electricity box and it's the 2nd time now within a 2-hour period. Can you please check it out?" and the security guy said, "It's probably just some kids fooling around but I'll come check it out". Before I hung up I said, "You know, my husband said the same thing but you all can't convince me that it's not some psycho killer escapee from the mental ward trying to harm my family". Tim started rummaging through every drawer he could find trying to look for a padlock so he could lock the electricity box. Yeah, that thought never occurred to him earlier than tonight, I guess.

The security guy came by but apparently he didn't see anyone so whoever it was probably decided we were too boring to kill. Finally, after an hour of searching, Tim found the padlock and put it on the electricity box. He walked back in the house, all proud, and said, "Yeah, if they come back, they'll be in for a big surprise".

I stared at him in disbelief...."What is wrong with you?? People who do things like this have their ways...they know this stuff. You don't think he's gonna come back and notice the lock and then run to his car to get his padlock clipper thingies??", I said. "And next time, I'll bet he's gonna cut off our phone line FIRST so we can't even call security or the police....you think he's done with us but I bet he's just begun his reign of terror on our family...we're gonna be THAT FAMILY whose story ends up on 48 Hours Mystery. You know, the show that's hosted by that freaky blonde guy who always has just the slightest edge of insanity in his voice?? He'll be like, 'So what happened on that fateful night as this family of 6 slept in their home? Was it someone they knew or was it the mental ward escapee who had been wreaking havoc in their neighborhood, which they never knew about because their kids insisted on having the tv on the Disney channel all the time so they NEVER saw the news reports??' I'm telling you, that's gonna be US".

Tim shook his head and said, "Goodnight, sweetie....go to bed. Your mind is working on overtime now...". I said, "You may think that but I'm the one who insisted someone was messing with the breakers and I was RIGHT....that'll teach you to not believe me again, won't it? You should be THANKING me right now!!"

Did I get a thank you? Nope! Two days ago, I learned the hard way that motherhood is a thankless job. Last night, I learned that being an alert and informative wife is also a thankless job. What do I gotta do around here to earn some recognition and appreciation??!!



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36 comments:

GypsyFox The Glamorous Betty Crocker said...

WOW this post had me in suspense..your such a great writer! you know this reminds me of countless situations where I've told my hubby things & he says "no that's not what it is, or "that'll never happen!!" & I am always always right..sigh..but I'm sure they will continue to doubt us & we will continue to prove them wrong!

Kristina P. said...

You are crazy like me. In a good way. :)

Kimberly said...

OMG! Always laughing, even in this serious post. Sword collection? HaHa! My husband has been dying to buy some swords forever! I told him he was a dork and it would never match the decor, because yes, he would want to display them for all to see. I was also laughing at the part where you went outside totally scared but prepared to attack with your boobs! Funny how in these situations we count boobs as an asset! My kids also rule the tv, with the Disney channel, so I never get to see the news - cause at night thats my time for my VH1 and E! shows, screw the news!

Why is it that whenever we tell our husbands that you hear something and they need to check it out that they always roll their eyes and laugh at us? What ever happened to wanting to protect your family? My hubs gets mad and tells me to go to sleep, heaven forbid he actually get of bed and investigate!

On a serious note, I do hope that you are okay. How scary! I hope the psycho killer doesn't come back. Maybe he saw the sword and decided not to come back. Unless this guy wants a sword as badly as my hubs does!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Oh My God!!!! I was freaking out reading this! Funny (as usual because you are hilarious) but so scary!!! I am so glad you are okay!

Michele said...

So, did you get any sleep? After that I wouldn't. Or, at least, I wouldn't let my husband get any sleep. :-)

Fabulous post as usual!

blueviolet said...

Why is your breaker box outside? Mine is in the basement. That's just an invitation to be psycho killed!

Seriously, though, I'm glad everything is ok because that was scary!

JosiahsMommy said...

Ack! You are like me. I go right to the psycho killer theory too! Too many episodes of Law and Order SVU. This post creeped me out. Good for you for being the watch wife. If we don't see you post for a few days we'll all be worried! Lol

Morgan said...

That's when you be thankful you have cell phones, right?

Marianne said...

hahahahahhaha omg you're description of the host of 48 Hours Mystery (Keith Morrison, by the way) is so dead on! I could even hear him in his creepy voice saying your made up narration! I just stumbled across your blog the other day and I have never laughed out loud so hard when reading a blog! You and your children are hysterical! If I lived anywhere near you, or California for that matter, I'd offer to babysit just to be guaranteed at least one laugh a day! Good luck tonight, hope you manage to avoid the psycho killer again :)

The Lane Family said...

You are such a great writer!! I love the fact that Tim went and found a sword from his collection.

Of course I would have freaked out as well especially since it happened twice that is just a little too weird. Hopefully it won't happen again and we won't see your family on 48 hours!

Booklover1212 said...

You had me in stitches!

Ok, seriously - first, I'm glad you're all ok and that the mental hospital escapee didn't do anything more than cause you a sleepless night.

and second....

My husband has a sword collection too...(sigh)...must be a guy thing!

and third...

I will never watch 48 hours mystery again without thinking of you and your "What happened to the family of 6.....)

Great writing!!

~ Jennifer
http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com

Meg said...

holy cow!!! Husbands are stupid. So are security guys, just think he is probably some poor ladies husband!

Maybe they are gone for good now!

Jennifer said...

DON'T THEY GET IT!?!?!

SEE?!? You even had proof that someone was out there! Ugh.

My. Worst. Nightmare.

I hope they catch those psyhos... :-)

Buckeroomama said...

I guess I have to be thankful that hubby only has one sword and not an entire collection!

The lights flickering on and off would've freaked me out, too, although I probably would not have thought psycho killer... but after reading this, that might just pop into my head if ever that happens! :)

HAve I told you how your posts always make me smile/laugh?

Alicia said...

LOL @ the sword!! Oh my gosh, that's classic!!!

Also, you going outside in the dark is total classic horror movie!! LOL!

But, oh my gosh, I totally would not be able to sleep!!!

Brooke said...

i would have been too scared to sleep! i'm glad you didn't get murdered in your bed.

Sadia said...

Wow! Just wow!

The first time my husband had to be away overnight after we moved into our house in the 'burbs, I was CERTAIN I heard the house alarm go off, just once, while I was in the shower.

I called the police and everything. Later, when I tested it, I discovered it couldn't go off just the once, without it also making the beep-beep-beep sound of being disarmed. It was pure imagination on my part.

You have swords. We have a gun locker. No guns. Just a locker.

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

I would have seriously crapped myself. Especially if I'd been home alone. Yikes!

Amy said...

I was on my toes the whole time wondering what was going to happen next. I am glad you guys are okay. I hope nothing happens like that again.

Karen said...

You should stage your own kidnapping. That'll teach Tim a good lesson!

The Mother said...

It sounds like your hubby is trying to keep you from worrying, not that he doesn't appreciate you.

Frankly, I prefer the strong silent types who simply deal with stuff so I don't have to.

Carly said...

So scary . That would so freak me out. Glad Tim was hom.

Jenny said...

That would have scared me too! My husband isn't the very protective type either. I have to kill spiders myself, because he moans and groans about it so much that it's not worth asking him.

Christina said...

OMG!!!!!

Jen said...

I think that they only way our husbands are going to believe us if there is a robber/murder/psyco standing right in front of them.
Then they will know we are right and thank us.

Tami said...

YOU HAD ME IN HEART FAILURE! I'm still on the edge of my seat.. WHY?! because I THINK LIKE YOU.

I would have grabbed my very sharp kitchen knife the kids call the "Jason" knife LOL and walked outside and started slashing the air.. saying.. I was once in a mental hospital.. I've been released.. NOT healed but released. I want to KICK SOMEONES ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.. and I have YOU in mind!
Com'ere ya lil bugger so I can STAB YOU.

LOL. I would of.. if you act strange they'll hightail it outta there! then you'll hear them say.. Psycho WOMEN nowadays!
heh heh

I'm glad you guys are OK!

Hajar Zamzam Ismail said...

Just wanted to let you know I am tagging you with an award to be posted later on tonight.

Beemer said...

I can't believe you both went outside. Don't you watch the psycho movies? That's when the nutcase sneaks into the house!!

DH never believes me either. That would be why I was the dumbass that ran into who knows who running through our backyard and scaling our fence one night instead of him. I was also the only one brave enough to venture into the main part of our house one night when the alarm went off (false alarm, but still scary).

In his defense though I also sent him out into the backyard at 3am because of an "intruder" that turned out to be a rather large, and unfriendly possum. And while he was gone on a business trip and I was home alone with 3 month old twins called the police because I thought someone was in the attic. I was partially right - the officer found not one, but two raccoons running around up there like a herd of wild elephants.

Hopefully it was just kids and the padlock deters them from further mischeif!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You are so like me. However, I have taken the added defense of have a radio signal phone. So? There is no wire to cut. My Ax Murderer cannot cut my phone like. Sucka.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You save your whole family's life and get nothing in return! *sigh* It's a rough life. I hope your electric weirdo doesn't come back!

Tsquared417 said...

You always have to listen to your gut!!

Six Feet Under Blog said...

I totally would have been too scared to go outside!

Mrs Cooper said...

Ok first that started off funny but then got totally creepy. And to think you saw somone leaving out of your court too. OMG, I wouldn't have been able to sleep. Hope you guys are all okay now and it doesn't happen again.

Mrsbear said...

Hahaha. Don't you guys watch horror movies? You NEVER go outside to investigate. Glad everything was okay, I would have been LOSING my mind. LOSING IT.

Sharlene said...

I don't consider myself a paranoid person but that woudl TOTALLY freak me out!

Jen said...

Ahhhhhhhh, I love you & will be watching 48 Hours Mystery on a weekly basis.....just in case!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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