Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The world according to a toddler....

My 2-yr old twins, Garrett and Landon, are constantly keeping me on my toes. I do have to say, though, that this stage that they're at is BY FAR the best stage so far. They're finally figuring out how to talk, they have such a wonderful sense of humor and they still think I'm the coolest person that they know.

I think one of the reasons I'm probably enjoying this stage of toddlerhood so much is because I finally feel like I have a handle on things. If there were anything I'd want new mothers to know, it's what to expect from your toddler...and most importantly, how to understand the world according to your toddler.

So here it is...."The World According To Your Toddler". Everything you should know, everything you need to know and everything you thought you knew but you were really only kidding yourself.....brought to you courtesy of Garrett and Landon.

1) "No" is a perfectly acceptable word in my vocabulary. However, it is not an appropriate word for YOU to have in yours.

2) When you offer me a graham cracker, offering me just any graham cracker will not do. It has to be from the package that is NOT YET OPEN, even though I know there's already another package that has been opened. And it has to be the bottom graham cracker. The top one simply isn't good enough for me. Leave that one for Daddy.

3) Don't get all excited that I ate the peas you put on my plate today. I can assure you that the next time you serve me peas, I will throw them off my plate one by one, as if peas were the most horrible food known to man.

4) You may think that the contents of the toilet bowl is completely disgusting. But I, on the other hand, think it's pretty darn cool. It's even more enticing if someone has left poop in the bowl, unflushed. And I'll just warn you up front...I will not be able to resist unraveling all the toilet paper and attempting to flush it down the toilet....all at one time. Oh, and just so you know, there are plenty of other things around the house that I find intriguing, such as the dirty broom, the garbage pail that holds my dirty diapers, the space underneath the oven, the cat food and the top shelf of your nightstand. How was I supposed to know that the tube of slimy stuff wasn't diaper rash cream?

5) It is adorable when I run around the house naked. It is NOT adorable, however, when you do it. Enough said.

6) Putting a gate in our bedroom doorway to prevent us from leaving our room at night was a clever idea, even I have to admit that. BUT, I don't understand why you continue to underestimate my strength and power. I can bust that gate down quicker than you can scream "Get back in your room". Now you know....consider yourself informed.

7) Here's the scoop on sippy cups. It's really pretty simple. Repeat it with me...

All dark juices go in the orange sippy cup:




All clear or light juices go in the blue sippy cup:



It doesn't have to make perfect sense to you. It makes perfect sense to me and, really, isn't that all that matters? Live it, love it, respect it.

8) For the 100th time, under no circumstances are you ever to break a piece of food in half and offer it to me. If you give me a banana, it better be a whole banana. Same rule goes for cheese, crackers....giving me half a cracker is not acceptable and I won't stand for it. Oh, and don't think you can turn your back away from me and cut it in half, on the sly....I may be a toddler and I may be what they call a "clean slate" but I'm not stupid. Are we clear now? Okay, moving on....try to keep up....

9) When I'm upset, I expect you to sit there and try to figure out what it is that I need or want. Here's the list of things you should ask me:

--does your tummy hurt?
--do you have an owie somewhere?
--are you thirsty?
--are you hungry?
--are you tired?
--do you need hugs and kisses?
--are you scared?
--do you want world peace?

I'll still continue to sob uncontrollably...maybe mumbling a comprehendible word here and there. Just keep on guessing and at some point when I'm tired of hearing your voice, I'll just simply point to what I want and then you'll get up and go get it for me, k?

10) What's mine is MINE. Get it? Don't expect me to share. Don't expect me to be all thoughtful and generous. My toys are MY toys and no one else's. It wasn't MY idea to host a playdate....that was YOUR idea. Just because you want to impress all the moms in the playgroup doesn't mean that I have to play along and be nice. I'm a toddler... I'm rude, I'm selfish, the world revolves around ME and only ME....don't expect anything otherwise.

However, every once in awhile, I will surprise you. If you're really nice to me....and I mean, SUPER nice...I may even be willing to haul the trash to the front door, without being asked of course.



But you should know that this will not be an everyday occurrence. Yeah, don't expect miracles to happen all the time. On most days, I reserve the right to completely annoy you to the point where throwing yourself into oncoming traffic sounds more exciting than hanging out with me for the rest of the day.



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55 comments:

Clueless_Mama said...

That was too cute. You are very clever...errr I mean the kids are very clever. A few of those sound just like my son who is 2 1/2.

Alicia said...

So, when does the book come out???

Jennifer said...

ROTFLMBO!!! #8! You have my life on your blog! LOL!

Jessica said...

LOL -- So true! All of it!

Design it Chic said...

Oh this post cracked me up! This is to hilarious! Oh.. i can't stop laughing! Thanks for the boost of laughs!

Happy Wednesday!

Shelby at DoubleUpBooks.com - The Twins and Multiples Bookstore said...

Great post! I would love to know where and why they come up with these rules. And I just love it when they think they know more about something than me - I know how to cut off the crust of the bread thank you very much.

And, then they go and do something that it just so incredibly sweet that you forget about all their rules.

Very fun to read another toddler's rules too. My kids hate the half thing too although they never finish the whole thing.

Tami said...

ROFL. Gosh darn I LOVE READING YOUR BLOG! You are absolutely HILARIOUS!

and the funniest thing of all.. IT'S ALLLLL TRUE!
I miss those days.. now they tell me what they want.. and I look at them like they've sprouted 10 heads and came from another planet!

It's me who acts 2 now LOL

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

They make no sense to adults once again in life when they become hormonal teens!

You have your hands full and they are adorable!!

Lauren From Texas said...

"It doesn't have to make perfect sense to you. It makes perfect sense to me and, really, isn't that all that matters? Live it, love it, respect it."

LOL. I'm ALREADY like that and I don't have kids. Can't wait to see what I'm like when I do!

Love your kiddo stories!

xo

Creative Junkie said...

Helene - I think you need to write an instruction manual on raising children. Seriously!

Kathy B! said...

#8 killed me.

But Helene, it's not the world according to toddlers. It's the world according to ME. ME, ME, ME! And not them "me" -- me, ME!

Did that make sense?! Don't let those toddlers of yours get any grand ideas about my name.

I just mad a fool of myself on your blog and it felt strangely good :)

Yaya said...

I agree. You are clever.

And I still live by the what's mine is mine rule....

Sadia said...

So true.

I'm fortunate that Melly and Jessica's version of 10 is "What mine is MINE OR MY SISTER'S. Unless it's MINE."

Christie Burnett said...

No comment, just copious amounts of laughter.

Christie
http://childhood101.blogspot.com/

Heather said...

So cute & so true!

MamaOtwins+1 said...

so true! Have you ever seen the toddler's creed? I posted on the same theme and have a copy of it here.

http://3boys1hubbywhatnext.blogspot.com/2009/06/bradleys-creed.html

Melanie said...

ROFL!! Good to know it's not just my son that has rules about what sippy cup to use.

Jan said...

Sweet post, so TRUE! ...and the floors look awesome!

PropellerHeadMom said...

Awesome! Spoken like a true toddler! I think the list covered just about everything!

Jenny said...

So very true!

TwinsanityMom said...

I swear I think you have been living in our house! ;)

Simply-Mel said...

Oh man! This was a TREAT to read girl! You have a gift....thanks for popping over to visit me. isnt SITS great - am loving finding all these cool new blogs.

I, too, struggled with infertility and ended up with 3 natural beauties after 5 yrs of trying and many failed fertility attempts. God certainly does have a sense of humour and I love Him for it!

feefifoto said...

Ah, toddlers! When my daughter was one of those things she threw half a burger at me in her fury that I'd cut it. I took her out of the restaurant, calmed her down and brought her back in. When she saw the remaining half of her burger she remembered that she was angry, and threw that half at me too.

She had french fries for lunch that day.

Jen said...

Oh the joys of toddlerhood.

Christina said...

Thank you for always making me smile... :))

Amy W said...

Cute!! Isn't it amazing how smart they are??? And finicky!! I love the part about the juice and the sippy cups. I mean, really? You have to pick your battles...and that obviously isn't one of them. LOL!

Brooke said...

i love #7. mostly because my life is full of things that make perfect sense to me an no one else!!

Brooke said...

i love #7. mostly because my life is full of things that make perfect sense to me an no one else!!

Rose said...

My husband's grandmother had two sets of twins 15 months apart. She would agree with the humor!

I just followed you from Mombloggerclub

http://thesuburbanjungle.blogspot.com

Living It, Loving It said...

Thanks for the heads up! My little one turns a year old in two weeks and now that he is walking, it is getting difficult to contain his chaos. Anything that is off limits seems to be where he is at.

I caught him smacking a toy on the screen of my laptop. Needless to say, it is now at Best Buy with several cracks in the screen. It was on my desk and he reached for it, pulled it to the floor and managed to smash it up. All this in the time it took me to walk to the kitchen, make him a bottle, and get back. Toddlers are hard to contain.

wife.mom.nurse said...

Hear ye, Hear ye,

I now have a new favorite Helene post!

So VERY true of two.

~LOVE IT~

Kristen said...

ah that was too cute. I don't have children but have been babysitting forever and I can relate with everyone of these especially the half thing. Who would have known if it is cut in half, if the sandwich is cut wrong, if anything is wrong they won't eat it, hmm.

2Shaye ♪♫ said...

AMEN, AMEN! This is absolutely wonderful! It lays it out just like it is. Love it!

~2Shaye

Tracy said...

Thank you for the primer as my own little charmers are on the cusp of being toddlers themselves. All helpful information. :)

yonca said...

Very cute and very clever! hugs!

Kim said...

LOL! You could have been a fly on the wall in my house a few years back. How did you know? :) This was a great read. Thanks.

Amy said...

This is great. I love the cup thing, At our house the purple cup holds mild and the orang holds the juice. My little one loves to eat something until the end and then throws it or gives it to me all wet to eat. Fun I know.

PaisleyJade said...

Ha ha - love your blog - your 2 year olds sound just like my 2 year old!!!

blueviolet said...

LOL, now that you have the rules you should be good to go for a while.
That cup quirk is hysterical!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Tee hee! You have it all figured out! Too funny yet so true!

Flory said...

LOL...this sounds like my three year old twins. I gave up on the gate a while ago. They climbed over it, under it, through it, and then finally figured out how to unlock it. They're three now.

Following you.
http://www.awomanslifestages.com

The Mother said...

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one.Describes every toddler I have ever met.

Mandy said...

All good things to know. Definitely. I would consider adding the following though:

(1) When I want you to wake up, I will talk, scream, bang on my crib etc. But when you finally get up to come check on me, I rather enjoy playing sleeping toddler again. It's just so fun to see you with eye crust and messy hair trying to wake me up while I fake-sleep.

And

(2) I have every right to repeat the words you say and to hit the pets. So when I hear you utter "Shit!" I want to say that word too. There is no need to freak out over it. Honestly!

Great post. Thanks for stopping by my place via SITS = I am returning the favor.

twinmama said...

I'm with ya, sister! Pulling my hair out around here in Toddler Hell, I mean, Toddler Town. It's a good thing they are so darn cute!

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

So, so true. Every word of it!

Sidnie said...

How funny!
I can totally relate!!

Maybe now that the rules are written out for me, my days will slightly easier!

S Club Mama said...

I agree, especially with the indecipherable mumbling while they are crying...what???

thanks so much for coming by!! hope you stop by again

Alisha said...

That made me laugh incredibly hard! AND IT IS ALL SO SO TRUE!

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

Are you the baby whisperer? I'm impressed! My boys are teens/tweens and I just started watching my 14 month old niece- oh, how those terrible two days are coming flooding back LOL

Kimberly said...

I am rollin'! That is way too funny! Why is it that small children always want to touch the most disgusting things that they can get their hands on? What is so fascinating about the garbage and all things bathroom related?

Mamatoosi said...

So sad, but so true. So, so true. My friend recently shared that her 2 year-old toddler decided to use one of her mommy's dresses to clean the inside of the toilet. Lovely.

Sharlene said...

My kids would have produced the exact same list. Its nice to know I am not the only one expected to follow tese crazy rules. I love you Helene. You speak the truth in such a hilarious way!

MommyAmy said...

For the record, my girls are behind the curve as far as speech goes. But Ziva still knows the word MINE and uses it frequently. Gotta love that kid. lol

Hanneke Nelson said...

All too familiar. Happy SITS Day!

The Royal Family said...

world peace LOL

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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