Thursday, September 3, 2009

A woman's week at the gym....

A friend of mine sent this in an e-mail the other day. It was TOO funny to not share it....


A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm ha ving the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!










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36 comments:

Kristina P. said...

This made me laugh. It's so true!

Buckeroomama said...

LOL!

Uh oh... hubby just brought home my birthday gift --the Wii Fit board!

Tsquared417 said...

I love this...so true!!

Jennifer said...

THIS is why I just workout at home. No one to yell at me except myself! LOL!

~ Jennifer

Brooke said...

lol!!! :)

Donna said...

LOL!!!! Thanks for the early morning laugh, Helene!!!

Tami said...

I'm laughing so hard I want to cry!

Amy said...

I am going to have to steal this one and send it to my Mom and friends. I just loved it. Oh it was so funny. I was laughing so hard. My husband walked by and ask what I was reading. Thanks...

Six Feet Under Blog said...

Too funny!

Morgan said...

pretty funny. Makes me glad I don't have a gym membership!

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

See, and this is why I stay away from exercise all together!

Mommy24cs said...

LOL, too funny! That's why I choose to get my exercise chasing Carson around. It's enough for me :)

S3XinthePantry said...

ha! funny!

Kathy B! said...

There are diamonds on the floor?!

Quick. Let me bend over and grab some :)

Jen said...

Oh that is fabulous! Thanks for the laugh.

Mary said...

Oh LOL... that would definitely be me, except my switch would have happened by day 2!

Have a great Thursday!!

Karen said...

It is so true!

My gym commitment is...well...less than committed...

Heather Kephart said...

LOL! I can SO relate!

Michele said...

I had a trainer like this once so I've lived through it. Then I got this really good one and I was doing so well...and then he quit. I just do it by myself now, because, with those trainers, I just want to punch them when I'm struggling, not do more.

Lee said...

I have a friend that sent that to me as well! It is hysterical!

Amy W said...

Which is why I NEVER work out two days in a row...give a girl a chance to recuperate!! LOL!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Har! Perfect!

Nezzy said...

OK, gotta' run or this menopausal Ozarks farm chick is going to have to change her bloomers!!! Too funny. Have a wonderfully blessed day.

Hit 40 said...

Your were right!! I laughed out loud especially for the Friday dairy entry!!! I hate hearing that we have time to work out!!! EVIL BULLSHIT!!!

Jennifer said...

LOL!!! I was just saying all this stuff last week! LMBO!

Faith Imagined said...

Haha!!!

yonca said...

Thanks for laugh Helene!
Have a great evening!!!

blueviolet said...

That was completely accurate! :)

Jenny said...

That is so funny!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Yep, I laughe! That was awesome!

Alicia said...

LOL..hey, how did they get a hold of my personal diary????

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Hilarious!

Creative Junkie said...

OMG - that is funny!

Lauren From Texas said...

hahahaha, too true!!!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Loved it!

The Mother said...

Yeah, that's the way I feel on week 9 of P90X.

This is NOT a Father's Day present that I'm proud of.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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