Thursday, October 8, 2009

Memo to the bosses, Part 2....

M E M O R A N D U M

To: My employers -

Cole, CEO of the Department of Extremely Out of Control Energy
Bella, President of Whiners Everywhere
Garrett, Vice President of Screaming Loudly
Landon, Director of Hoarding Toys That Are Not His

From: Your dedicated, hard-working, unbelievably exhausted employee (aka Mommy)

=============================

Well, it seems my last memo to you all didn't go over so well. In that memo, I had requested a cut-back on my overtime, implementation of a new benefits policy which included more time off and sick days, as well as my right to privacy and a change in my job responsibilities.

After discussing the memo with you at our last staff meeting, you all pretty much blew off my requests. In the meantime, I seem to have found myself on probation, once again. PROBATION?? Come on, I've been your employee for the last 5 years...well, for some of you, it's only been 2.5 years....but still....I think that's being a little unfair, don't you?

You asked me to re-think my strategy for making requests, telling me that I've obviously forgotten who the bosses are and where I stand in this company. However, I believe that as I've moved up in the ranks, I deserve more shares....more say in how this company is being operated. I'm 100% devoted to this family-owned company and I would like to believe that you would accept any ideas and suggestions for improvement, so that everyone can be happy and fulfilled.

I feel the need to explain my recent behaviors and provide some justification for my actions. Be patient with me as I plead my case....

1) As your employee, I understand one of my job responsibilities is to provide you all with healthy, well-rounded meals. It's a responsibility that I take very seriously. I realize that Bagel Bites are not the most healthiest meal that you could be eating; however, when paired with a side of fruit and a veggie, I see nothing wrong with it. So what if it's the 3rd time that week that you've eaten Bagel Bites? How can you NOT think this is a healthy meal....I even painstakingly took the extra time to slice up an entire cantoloupe for Miss Bella because she doesn't care for pineapple.


2) I apologize for being disrespectful when I laugh at something you did or something you said. I can't help it sometimes. Laughter is the best medicine, so they say. For instance, take that time that I had just told one of you that if you didn't clean up your "work area", that someone may get hurt. So when you screamed out loud "I don't care" and then turned around and tripped over the toy you left out in the work area, it was kinda funny. No, actually it was downright hysterical. I know it must be hard to admit when an employee is actually right so I do understand the embarrassment you must have felt right then. You have to admit....that's a fine example of karma right there.

3) I was not intentionally trying to be defiant when I hid the playdough and told you we had run out. I honestly thought we had run out of the stuff. Well, yeah only because I had hidden it so well but still....how was I supposed to know you all would be smart enough to grab a stepstool and start rummaging through the cabinets that are normally too high for you to reach? I clearly underestimated you all, which was yet again just another mistake I've made.

4) I can't help but feel strongly about teamwork. We ARE a team, after all, aren't we? You scratch my back, I scratch your back kind of a thing. When you all are feeling generous enough to help me clean the house, it would be nice if you'd pick up things that are left on the floor, even if you didn't put it there. How can we ever expect our company to be successful if we don't all work together? Oh and I didn't realize that my newly implemented break time coincided with clean-up time, which meant I wasn't present while you all were cleaning up. That was not done on purpose....it was an innocent mistake. Now, having said that, would you like to buy some swampland in Florida?

5) Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my earlier memo when I stated that I would no longer be responsible for wiping the butts of those of you who are potty-trained. You know who you are. When I said that I would no longer be responsible for that job, I should have added that YOU are now responsible for wiping your own butts. I didn't realize that I actually had to spell that out for you. My mistake. In the end, all I did was cause more work for myself since it takes a tremendous amount of time sorting through the laundry to pick out all the dozen pair of underwear which are now stained with skidmarks. I was also beginning to have conversations with myself that went something like, "Now, how stained does a pair of underwear have to be to justify simply tossing it in the garbage as opposed to desperately trying to wash the skidmark out?" So please, for the love of God, wipe your own butts after going poop (or, as you all refer to it, dropping the kids off at the pool).

6) Lastly, when your father is substituting for me on the rare occasion that I am absent, it's not much of a break for me if you continuously page me with questions like, "I asked Daddy if I could have cereal for dinner and he told me I had to ask you" and "I don't want to take a bath tonight but Daddy said that's up to you". See, this is a strategy I call "making Mommy the bad guy"....something your father is guilty of doing all the time. He fails to understand that when he is filling in for me during my absence that HE is to make ALL the decisions...the hardest decisions all the way down to the simplest of decisions. He's perfectly capable of doing it....he has a brain, after all. Even if he does get his brain confused with a certain body part most of the time. Please pass the good word on to him.

Okay, I've said my peace....I do hope you will find it in your little hearts to forgive me and to understand why I have behaved the way I have. I also hope you know that, even with all my faults, I try my best to be the most wonderful employee the world has ever known. I am 100% committed to keeping our company afloat and helping it to be successful. After all, any employee who says "yeah, that sounds like fun" when her bosses want to make homemade noodles from scratch for dinner is more than dedicated....a little insane, even.

I hope you will take all the above into consideration in deciding whether or not to revoke my probation.

PS - I need tomorrow night off to go hang out with some girlfriends. I realize that you may still not have reached a decision about my probation but, at the same time, you all aren't exactly great about staying on time-outs. This is NOT rebelling...it's simply just getting even.



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53 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

My daughter is 8, and I still sometimes have to wipe her butt. motherhood, the never ending lowest paying job in the universe!

Tracy said...

Hilarious...as usual.

And thanks for the reminder about Bagel Bites. Yet another "main entree" I can offer Evan and Rowan.

Living It, Loving It said...

Being a mother is the toughest job on earth and being a father is easy. I am not sure if there is anything further I can add. Oh wait, I can sigh.

blueviolet said...

You serve Bagel Bites 3x a week? You're the cat's meow.

Stephanie Stearns Dulli said...

Hysterical! I especially liked the toy bit. SO funny.

MamaOtwins+1 said...

I laughed out loud at the tripping over the toy - mainly because I've laughed out loud at home and have gotten 'the look' for doing so.

Mighty M said...

Haha! The bagel bites look great! Enjoy your "break"!! ;-)

kyslp said...

How much PTO do you get? I get about 20 minutes a year - without pay.

Mimi and Tilly said...

I love your work. Both as a mum and a writer. I was a teacher of kindergarten age children for a loooong time, and could never bring myself to have kids, having experienced first hand and over an extended period of time, the insanity that is two or more children together in a room with a box of toys and a packet of crayons. I got a couple of cats instead. You have my complete admiration. Oh and P.S. those meals looks way tasty! Sending smiles.

Sadia said...

Thank you, THANK you for making me look like an insane hyena at work.

Jennifer said...

Do you need a hug? Because, I need to give you one.

Skidmarks. Really.

Tsquared417 said...

You deserve a raise!!

Angela said...

Can you forward the memo to a certain 6 kiddos in my household? You might need to put it in summary format for my teen, easy to read words for those with dyslexia & to the tune of Old Mac Donald for the IM&Ms!! Thanks

MommiesTimeOutToday said...

That was hysterical! Can you e-mail this to my husband and CC my kids on there! :-)

KrysTros said...

LOL, just......LOL. Too funny!

Christina said...

LMAO!!
Are you really going out? Have fun if you are. :)

beccad said...

I love it that is hilarious and so true. Just goes to show how all of us mamas are alike in so many ways. Thanks for the reality check.

Laura said...

Priceless!!

I just noticed you haven't signed up for my giveaway. Bella would love it!

http://thehortonfamily.blogspot.com/2009/10/halloween-hairbow-giveaway.html

Rook No. 17 said...

Helene, another poignant comic masterpiece! Have a wonderful evening out with the girls. You certainly deserve it.

Jenn @ rookno17.blogspot.com

Corrie Howe said...

I bow to your creative post. Very funny and realistic at the same time.

Jen said...

I think that your meal is perfect. Totally something that my kids would eat.

And have fun on your night off.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Your kids eat broccoli?

Buckeroomama said...

LOL!

You brave girl... letting them wipe their own bums. I guess I have to let J do it some time soon, too. I just cringe at the thought of skid marks on his underwear!

The Mother said...

1) Bagel bites are absolutely a part of a healthy meal. As is pizza.

2) While laughter is, indeed, healthy medicine, sarcasm is the staff of life. Even if one must injet it.

3)Playdough is evil and should be outlawed by international treaty.

4)Teamwork would be nice. Why am I the only one who can start the dishwasher, or hear the dog beg to go out?

5)This one, too, shall pass. Forgive the pun.

6)The phenomenon in which the phone rings incessantly when Dad is in charge of the house is universal. I have been attempting to develop an immunization, but, so far, my only solution is to change my cell phone number without telling the family. Works, but not without consequences.

Booklover1212 said...

Well, I'd just like to say that in my current issue of Scholastic's Parent & Child magazine, there is a full-page ad endorsing....drumroll please.....Bagel Bites!! So, if a reliable resource like Scholastic can encourage us to feed our kids Bagel Bites -- then hey, who am I to question to experts!

~ Jennifer
http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com

knit1kids4 said...

I need to write one of these letters!

My bosses are giving me time off this weekend! Going on a woman's retreat. I think my youngest boss though has fully understood what is going on!

HeartNiki said...

Lol. Great post! I am also guilty of hiding playdough and other toys I don't feel like cleaning up that day.

yonca said...

Enjoy your time out Helen. You deserve it! Enjoyed to read your post as always!

MommyAmy said...

LOL!

Here here on #6!!!

shortmama said...

Number 2 is a flippin crack up! And oh how I can relate to daddy making you the bad guy!

Alicia said...

Yah, I need to know how to determine when to throw out an underwear too. Mind you, my son is 7 years old!!!

Joy said...

I loved the one about tripping on the toy. So funny!
and I just added bagel bites to my grocery list!
Love your blog!

YuL hm said...

hahaha this is so funny =) it made my morning *winks* especially number 2 haha I can imagine it clearly

Priscila said...

you are really funny!!!
Love your blog

xoxo
Priscila
littlemissheirlooms.blogspot.com

Mom of Three said...

Girl, I am a little ashamed to say, but I've thrown those bad boys out. Some things are just too gross even for a mommy. I know that there are better mommies out there than me who could find a miraculous while still frugal way of saving those garments, but I just have to chalk that one up as a FAIL for me!

You are soooo funny! I love these memos. And tell dad NO FAIR!

Kelly said...

My rule is... if the undies are brown, throw them down. I have no problem throwing out poopy underwear. I just dont think, after changing all those diapers, we should still have to scrub poo out of undies. I love bagel bites btw. If you get the pepperoni ones, they include 3 food groups! Yay!

LazyCrazyMama said...

LOL!!!! Hilarious!!

Creative Junkie said...

I'm about <> this close to handing in my resignation unless my work conditions improve as well.

It's going to be interesting to see how your memorandums change when your board of directors become teenagers!

Mariboo said...

LMAO Helene, you once again hit it on the head! The blog, not Tim.

Amy said...

This is way too funny. I think I see some of this in my house also. I am so suprised that Alyce did not get blue pain all over the place. She did pretty good. Thanks for stopping by.

Six Feet Under Blog said...

I have to agree on that it will all change when they become teens!

2 Toddlers and Me said...

This was great! What wonderful writing! I linked it on my blog if that's okay. I've started Favorite Post Friday and selected this post as my favorite for the week.

It was just too funny. I was laughing and could relate to it all.

The Lane Family said...

SO funny and oh, so true. I love the part about wiping your own butts if you are potty trained and having to spell it out. I also love the part about being on probation...so darn funny.

You are a great writer and your blog always makes me smile and laugh!!

The Lane Family said...

SO funny and oh, so true. I love the part about wiping your own butts if you are potty trained and having to spell it out. I also love the part about being on probation...so darn funny.

You are a great writer and your blog always makes me smile and laugh!!

twinmama said...

LOL! We, grunt workers(aka Moms), never get any respect, do we?

BTW - I love your dinner plates with the individual sections. I think that I am going to have to get some of those. We use plain plastic ones without the individual sections and the girls end up mixing all the food together - yuck!

I am also excited to announce that I have finally switched over to my new website, so come check it out when you get a chance!

www.bringinguptwins.com

Kimi said...

Stopping by from Two Toddlers and Me.

Too funny! I can totally relate. Today especially I feel like I'm a scrub in my family company. The kids are definitely reigning CEO's.

Kristen said...

THIS IS HILARIOUS!! haha. Please print it out and keep it for them when they are older, just in case!! Oh & thank you for your amazing comments :) Made my day!

Jenni Jiggety said...

I think you should go on strike.

!!The Obnoxious SAHM!! said...

yer a hoot lady. ;)

Garrett Family said...

That was so fun! I found you through 2 Toddlers and Me - and just loved every bit - I only have two girls and feel that way - I can't imagine what 4 will do to you! I loved the skid mark stuff - we are going through that right now too - and I too have asked the 'to throw or not to throw away' question! Great post!

Diana said...

That was fabulous. Thank you for making me laugh Helene.

MrsM said...

I. Am. Stealing. This.

Okay, not really, but I totally could have written this [if I were a better writer]. The only difference is that my husband doesn't refer the kids to me, they just skip him altogether because he does not respond quickly enough. When I ask Monkey if he asked Daddy his answer is always "well, he was busy sitting".

Well, wouldn't want to interrupt that! Best you come pull mommy out of the one relaxing bubble bath she's had this month so that I can get you a glass of juice. LOL

Maybe we should create a union for more bargaining power. Hope your negotiations go well =)

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! Loved it!!! Gosh, you speak for soooo many Moms out there!!

I have to insist that you tell me where you got those adorable sea-themed plates! I love 'em!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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