This year, you all decided to put together a Christmas-type farm, with Santa Claus, live reindeer, snow play area, train rides and snow tubing. We had literally been counting down the days until you would open.
Funny....your brochure advertised that the farm would open at 10:00 am on Friday. We rushed to get the kids ready, got them all excited about sitting on Santa's lap and playing in the snow. Only when we arrived, it was like a ghost town.
We went to the ticket booth to buy tickets for the train ride and one of your people said, "Oh, we're not quite done setting everything up yet....sorry". You might have wanted to re-think advertising that you were open the day after Thanksgiving. Kudos to your publicity team...they pretty much suck.
Since we were already there, we figured we'd try to make the best of what was available. Our first stop were the reindeer, who were cool to look at for a few minutes....
....until the kids counted the reindeer and realized there were only 4. Don't you know that Santa actually has 9 reindeer? I had to answer questions from my well-informed children, such as "Where are the other reindeer?", "How come Rudolph isn't here?" and "You're lying...Santa really doesn't have reindeer, does he?" Yeah, thanks a lot for that.
After wiping tears from my disappointed children's eyes, we went over to Santa's Village, where we believed Santa would be waiting happily to be greeted by anxious, excited children. There was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, a waiting area and a huge EMPTY chair.
That's right...Santa was nowhere on the scene. One of the "elves" informed us that Santa hadn't arrived yet but we could come back a little later. So I had to explain that Santa probably had a last minute disaster to resolve before leaving the North Pole. Which of course led to questions about why some of Santa's reindeer had arrived without him...."Did the elves get a time out?", "Well, then why are some of his reindeer here without him?" and "You're lying....Santa's not really coming, is he?" Yeah, thanks a lot for that, too.
We tried distracting them by asking, "Hey, you all wanna go over to the snow play area and have some fun until Santa gets here?" Thankfully, the smiles returned to their sweet faces.
On the way over to the snow area, we came across a pen of horses. The kids exclaimed, "Look, Mommy, HORSES!! Can we pet them?" I answered, "Sure, you can...I don't see why not".
They happily petted the horses, who seemed starved for affection. I can only guess this is the case because the horses willingly let my children poke them in the eyes and grab their ears, which we all know is not normal behavior for animals.
On a good note, I do appreciate the fact that, among the horses, there was one lone donkey. Finally, my prayers have been answered.....my husband was able to get a hot piece of ass without me even having to lift a finger.
Look at his happy face....that is one satisfied customer, right there. Tim hasn't smiled that brightly since....well, aaahh, you can probably guess.
We stopped along the way to let the kids pose in some of the silly boards you had up. And Tim and I tried desperately to be mature about it when Bella said, "Hey Cole, Garrett's grabbing one of your snowballs".
Then we arrived at the snow play area. We all stood there looking at the sad slop of snow laying on the ground. It was pathetic. The kids looked at Tim and I and asked, "Is this it? Is this all the snow they have?"
Apparently it was. So we let the kids run around in the tiny pile of snow, along with the other kids who mistakenly thought that a "SNOW PLAY AREA" would be....uh, loaded with lots of snow.
And don't think that just because you had a WHITE board where the snow was supposed to be would fool my kids into thinking there was more snow than there actually was. Remember, these are the same kids who know how many reindeer Santa has. My kids may be whiny and annoying but they are not stupid. Don't ever underestimate them.
Oh, and the little bit of snow you did have was pretty miserable in terms of texture. You had a snow making machine, which was blowing "snow" into the area. It was more like HAIL....small pieces of ice pelted my kids in the face and the back of their heads, as they shrieked in pain. They couldn't even form decent snowballs with it.
But being that we were determined for our children to have a good time, we made the best of it....even if I did walk away with a huge bruise on my arm from being hit with a "snowball".
Once we had had enough of the crappy "snow", we headed back over to Santa's Village to see if Santa had arrived. On the way there, the kids made a point to re-count the reindeer. Nope, still only 4 reindeer. Good God, you all are idiots, aren't you?
We were thrilled to see that Santa had indeed arrived. He sat on his throne, looking as if he had a bad case of heartburn, causing one of my kids to say, "Santa does NOT look happy to be here". Perhaps he had eaten some salmonella-infested turkey the evening before.
Nonetheless, my kids lined up, anxiously waiting for their turn to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. But before they could even head towards Santa, one of your "elves" reminded us that we needed to pay $6.00 per child to see Santa.
We explained that we didn't want to buy a picture with Santa...the kids only wanted to briefly sit on his lap and talk to him. There were no other children waiting so we figured it wouldn't be a big deal. But your "elf" had to make a point that unless we paid for a picture with him, there would be no interaction between Santa or my kids.
We were also forbidden to take a picture of Santa with our own camera. What were you gonna do if I did snap a quick picture....wrestle me to the ground in front of my family and steal my camera away from me to delete the pictures?!
Since when does Santa charge little children for the privilege of chatting with him? This is truly outrageous...and I have to believe that even Jesus is up in the heavens looking down on your farm, saying "Denying 4 precious children the opportunity to sit on Santa's lap for 5 seconds, all so you can make a buck?? Shame on you!"
We walked back to the car with our angry, disappointed children. I said, "You know, I heard that Santa is gonna be at the mall tomorrow...I'll bet those elves will let you sit on Santa's lap for free". But they were too upset to express any joy over it.
So we did what most parents do when it comes to kissing their children's asses. We took them to McDonald's for lunch and got them Happy Meals.
The kids were all smiles, once again, as they joyfully licked their chicken nuggets and fed them to their father....
Needless to say, we will NOT be returning to your farm next year.
PS - However, I may be sending my husband back next time he starts bugging me for another piece of ass.
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