Saturday, November 28, 2009

Dear Dell Osso Farms,

....every year we go to your pumpkin patch and it's always a fun-filled day for us (even though we end up completely broke after a visit).

This year, you all decided to put together a Christmas-type farm, with Santa Claus, live reindeer, snow play area, train rides and snow tubing. We had literally been counting down the days until you would open.

Funny....your brochure advertised that the farm would open at 10:00 am on Friday. We rushed to get the kids ready, got them all excited about sitting on Santa's lap and playing in the snow. Only when we arrived, it was like a ghost town.

We went to the ticket booth to buy tickets for the train ride and one of your people said, "Oh, we're not quite done setting everything up yet....sorry". You might have wanted to re-think advertising that you were open the day after Thanksgiving. Kudos to your publicity team...they pretty much suck.

Since we were already there, we figured we'd try to make the best of what was available. Our first stop were the reindeer, who were cool to look at for a few minutes....




....until the kids counted the reindeer and realized there were only 4. Don't you know that Santa actually has 9 reindeer? I had to answer questions from my well-informed children, such as "Where are the other reindeer?", "How come Rudolph isn't here?" and "You're lying...Santa really doesn't have reindeer, does he?" Yeah, thanks a lot for that.

After wiping tears from my disappointed children's eyes, we went over to Santa's Village, where we believed Santa would be waiting happily to be greeted by anxious, excited children. There was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree, a waiting area and a huge EMPTY chair.

That's right...Santa was nowhere on the scene. One of the "elves" informed us that Santa hadn't arrived yet but we could come back a little later. So I had to explain that Santa probably had a last minute disaster to resolve before leaving the North Pole. Which of course led to questions about why some of Santa's reindeer had arrived without him...."Did the elves get a time out?", "Well, then why are some of his reindeer here without him?" and "You're lying....Santa's not really coming, is he?" Yeah, thanks a lot for that, too.

We tried distracting them by asking, "Hey, you all wanna go over to the snow play area and have some fun until Santa gets here?" Thankfully, the smiles returned to their sweet faces.

On the way over to the snow area, we came across a pen of horses. The kids exclaimed, "Look, Mommy, HORSES!! Can we pet them?" I answered, "Sure, you can...I don't see why not".



They happily petted the horses, who seemed starved for affection. I can only guess this is the case because the horses willingly let my children poke them in the eyes and grab their ears, which we all know is not normal behavior for animals.

On a good note, I do appreciate the fact that, among the horses, there was one lone donkey. Finally, my prayers have been answered.....my husband was able to get a hot piece of ass without me even having to lift a finger.



Look at his happy face....that is one satisfied customer, right there. Tim hasn't smiled that brightly since....well, aaahh, you can probably guess.



We stopped along the way to let the kids pose in some of the silly boards you had up. And Tim and I tried desperately to be mature about it when Bella said, "Hey Cole, Garrett's grabbing one of your snowballs".



Then we arrived at the snow play area. We all stood there looking at the sad slop of snow laying on the ground. It was pathetic. The kids looked at Tim and I and asked, "Is this it? Is this all the snow they have?"

Apparently it was. So we let the kids run around in the tiny pile of snow, along with the other kids who mistakenly thought that a "SNOW PLAY AREA" would be....uh, loaded with lots of snow.

And don't think that just because you had a WHITE board where the snow was supposed to be would fool my kids into thinking there was more snow than there actually was. Remember, these are the same kids who know how many reindeer Santa has. My kids may be whiny and annoying but they are not stupid. Don't ever underestimate them.

Oh, and the little bit of snow you did have was pretty miserable in terms of texture. You had a snow making machine, which was blowing "snow" into the area. It was more like HAIL....small pieces of ice pelted my kids in the face and the back of their heads, as they shrieked in pain. They couldn't even form decent snowballs with it.

But being that we were determined for our children to have a good time, we made the best of it....even if I did walk away with a huge bruise on my arm from being hit with a "snowball".



Once we had had enough of the crappy "snow", we headed back over to Santa's Village to see if Santa had arrived. On the way there, the kids made a point to re-count the reindeer. Nope, still only 4 reindeer. Good God, you all are idiots, aren't you?

We were thrilled to see that Santa had indeed arrived. He sat on his throne, looking as if he had a bad case of heartburn, causing one of my kids to say, "Santa does NOT look happy to be here". Perhaps he had eaten some salmonella-infested turkey the evening before.

Nonetheless, my kids lined up, anxiously waiting for their turn to sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they want for Christmas. But before they could even head towards Santa, one of your "elves" reminded us that we needed to pay $6.00 per child to see Santa.

We explained that we didn't want to buy a picture with Santa...the kids only wanted to briefly sit on his lap and talk to him. There were no other children waiting so we figured it wouldn't be a big deal. But your "elf" had to make a point that unless we paid for a picture with him, there would be no interaction between Santa or my kids.

We were also forbidden to take a picture of Santa with our own camera. What were you gonna do if I did snap a quick picture....wrestle me to the ground in front of my family and steal my camera away from me to delete the pictures?!

Since when does Santa charge little children for the privilege of chatting with him? This is truly outrageous...and I have to believe that even Jesus is up in the heavens looking down on your farm, saying "Denying 4 precious children the opportunity to sit on Santa's lap for 5 seconds, all so you can make a buck?? Shame on you!"

We walked back to the car with our angry, disappointed children. I said, "You know, I heard that Santa is gonna be at the mall tomorrow...I'll bet those elves will let you sit on Santa's lap for free". But they were too upset to express any joy over it.

So we did what most parents do when it comes to kissing their children's asses. We took them to McDonald's for lunch and got them Happy Meals.

The kids were all smiles, once again, as they joyfully licked their chicken nuggets and fed them to their father....



Needless to say, we will NOT be returning to your farm next year.

PS - However, I may be sending my husband back next time he starts bugging me for another piece of ass.

Raising a big family can be tough. And not just on your energy, but your wallet too. Everyone needs a little help sometimes, there's no shame in that. Don't scrape by, hop online and find care-free and easy payday loans. Make it easier on you and your family!


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44 comments:

When did I become my Mom said...

If you're going to mess with kids and Christmas, you gotta do it RIGHT! How lame of them. I hate the Santa thing. Gosh, is it really too much to ask? Let's see - park not ready, lots of kids, you're paying Santa anyway... let the kids get something out of it and maybe they want to come back, vs... insisting that the season of giving is about GIVING YOU MONEY and pissing off the parents ensuring that they NEVER return...

They need to get out of the Christmas business and fast.

Anonymous said...

Wow! I have never heard of a place charging just to see Santa. Amazing! Good for you for walking away without paying their blood money. I would have had a hard time doing that myself.

FRANNIE said...

Who charges a kid to talk to Santa! That's ridiculous, especially when next to NOTHING was ready as advertised.

It would have been better if they just didn't open that day at all. Say it's technical difficulties, whatever, but a half assed attempt is just sad.

Hopefully the Mall Santa made it all better.

Christie - Childhood 101 said...

It is so disappointing when events are promoted as being one thing and are totally another, we had a similar experience at a local petting farm. The supervision of the children handling small animals was appalling, akin to animal cruelty, and then the farmer got out his tractor and started spraying fertiliser into the air! All this with hundreds of children around as it was school holiday time! Needless to say, we demanded our money back and left immediately!

Yaya said...

Oh my gosh! That place sounds horrible!!!! Screw them!
$6 per kid to sit on his lap?????? That's just crazy.

Mimi and Tilly said...

That place should be closed down! How disappointing for your children... There was a similar place here in the Uk a couple of years ago, called Santa Land or something like that. They charged about £20 per person and advertised themselves as having snow, santa, the full Monty. Families were going in having to pay upwards of £80. It was all over the national news here because bolshy British crowds rebelled when they got inside, and nearly did bad things to Santa and his elves. The place was closed down.

newlyweds said...

Oh no, that sucks. No one can fool your observant kiddos. Looks like fun was had never the less. And Tim's hot piece of Ass, ha ha ha!!!

Lolli said...

Nooo!! That's horrible! I am so sorry that you guys had to start out the Christmas season that way. What a poorly run place. A shame.

Amy said...

I guess the extra money is to get the whole clan of reindeer there. That is just wrong. I say let the children sit for free. Oh what a treat they had in the end.. Have a great day..

Eva Gallant said...

At least your hubby didn't have to pay for that hot piece of ass! lol

That is terrible, charging kids to sit on Santa's lap!

Karen said...

That's just lame!

I'm glad you blogged about it. Hopefully there will be a bit of a backlash after people read about it!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I love the line at the end about the piece of ass.

Kim said...

I think next year it might be cheaper just to fly your family up to Alaska . . . we've got a good 2 feet of snow and entire herds of reindeer ; )

Kristina P. said...

Did they have clowns running this place?

Michelle said...

That sucks! Can you email a complaint letter, I would! I can't believe they would force you to pay to sit on Santa's lap. When B was little you could take a picture with your own camera on Santa's lap even though they didn't advertise it. Now they will let you sit on Santa's lap but won't let you take your own picture.

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

How disappointing for you and your kids. Can't believe they advertised all that and didn't deliver. No way would I pay $6 to sit on Santa's lap--obviously he was a fake Santa. you should let your kids know about that imposter! The real one is nice and will be at the mall--hopefully! At least McDonald's saved the day. Kids love McDonald's--I know we did!

ks and jd said...

What a laugh I had reading your post! Seriously "wrestle you to the ground and delete your photos"! LOL! I'm still chuckling! What a day you had! Your poor little ones. At least you know how to make them smile! And me! Thank you for that! Wishing you well!

yonca said...

$6? for sitting Santa's lap?
That is crazy!
They look wonderful in those pictures:)But where are you?

The Mother said...

I'd never go back, either. I vote with my feet.

MommyAmy said...

Hey, at least you hubs got some ass! Wasn't a TOTAL waste! lol

Totally crazy to charge $6 to talk to Santa! What a rip off!

HST said...

What a bummer! Feel sorry for you guys to have had such a disappointing experience.

Jen said...

A very similar situation happened to us. Not with Santa but with the Great Pumpkin. It totally sucked!

Buckeroomama said...

That totally sucked. I would have left, too and would have stopped by the Happy Meal place to make it up to J & Z.

I know of at least one mall here that charges for a sit-down/picture with Santa and people queue up for hours just to do that. Apparently this Santa is "imported" from Canada. And the whole Santa place is done up really well, really magical. At least, though, the proceeds go to charity, so you don't feel as bad forking out $ for a couple of minutes with Santa.

Erin said...

I guess this should be one of those times I feel grateful to be Jewish?! LOL!

I'm sorry it stunk for the kiddos. That's so not fair.

But I kept laughing over your husband and the "hot piece of ass." Good one!

Jessica Jones said...

UGH that sucks! I hate it for you!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

The hot piece of ass is hilarious! Sucks about the false advertising! Obvisously, the farm people do not understand that it is the end of the world to a child when a promise is broken. And it totally sucks for us parents to have to break it to them.
Great pictures though! Your kids are adorable!

Sadia said...

Oh dear! That sounds like a nightmare! We have some holiday staples to attend in Austin, but now that I think about it, I never attend any without a reliable positive review. Unfortunately, Austin is scaling back its free Trail of Lights because of the economy. Huge bummer.

Alicia said...

Oh my gosh, that is terrible!!!

That farm sounds familiar. Is it up by you guys or down here closer to me??

But, it looks like you ended the night on a good note! Mickey D's to the rescue!

Corrie Howe said...

What a disappointment. I think I would've paid to see you try and take a picture, have the elf wrestle you to the ground and take your camera...all in front of your kids.

McDonalds does seem to healing salve of any tragedy.

Mimi and Tilly said...

Hi Helene, Just popped by to let you know I'm passing on the One Lovely Blog Award to you as I think your blog is Lovely. You can view the award here:

http://mimiandtilly.blogspot.com/2009/11/one-lovely-blog.html

I hope you're having a great weekend.

Nancy said...

Holy cow!!!I hope you send them this post. The entire place sounds like it was run by misfits and managed by Ebaneezar Scrouge!!

Thank goodness for mcdonalds.... And the free Santa at the mall have the gig down correctly. EVERY child deserves to see and talk to Santa even if they don't pay for a pic.

Theta Mom said...

Who the hell charges to see friggin Santa? Seriously, and crappy snow to boot? Scratch that right off your list mama! Love the pictures, though!

kys said...

That is terrible! What a bunch of grinches! (And the hot piece of ass stuff is genius!)

Michele S said...

Greg takes the kids to Walmart for free pictures. Santa is still free if you are the biggest corporation in the world.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm thinking those people are demented, and they sit and watch the kids cry and laugh their sick asses off. That's what I think.

Jennifer said...

Well, at least they got McDonald's. It always helps me in bad situations... ;-)

Heather Kephart said...

OMG those idiots! Why would they do such a thing, potentially crushing hundreds of children and their excited Mothers!! You definitely did it up right, though. Looks like you made a wonderful memory. :) I laughed out loud when I read about the children counting the reindeer... I knew what was coming lol

Creative Junkie said...

You had me at the piece of ass bit - that was hysterical!

Sounds like they had no clue what the hell they were doing. You guys have to come to NY. We know how to do snow right.

Melanie said...

Happy SITS Monday! OMG your post was SO funny!!! I hate it when you get the kids all hyped up for an event and its a dud. Seems like that happens to us all the time!!

Six Feet Under Blog said...

We have run into events like that too. I find it helpful to not expect greatness from it and if its fun than you will be surprised!

2 Toddlers and Me said...

Don't you hate when you get your kids all excited for something and then they are let down. What a shame. I hope they improve it in the years to come.

KK said...

Well, it sounds like you made the most of it. Happy Meals always make everything better!

BoufMom9 said...

OMGOSH! How awful! However, I actually almost choked on my coffee about the "hot piece of ass". LMAO!

So sorry you had such a crappy experience :(

Frugal Vicki said...

They just don't think. Well, they do I suppose, but all they think about is how to pad their pockets with even more money than the profit they are already making. I am having a hard time with the same Santa/picture issue here, too.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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