Friday, November 13, 2009

The irony of it all...

I've been working on a book for quite awhile now, attempting to spend every spare hour I have working on it, whether that be early in the morning or late at night. Sometimes, if I can successfully get the kids caught up in an activity together, I'll try to break away for a few minutes and write a paragraph or two.

One day last week, I was on a roll. I have to be "in the mood" to write and I was finally getting somewhere after suffering from a mild bout of writer's block.

I began to type...."The deafening silence in our home was almost too much to bear. Just another cruel reminder that I was infertile. How I ached to hear the sound of children's laughter, instead of the sound of my own agonizing wails. How I wished to be up in the middle of the night rocking a tired baby back to sleep, instead of laying awake in bed planning yet another IVF cycle...back at square one, again."

Slowly, I began to lose my concentration, as the kids became louder and louder while they fought over whose turn it was to use the green crayon. Are you serious? Like there's no OTHER green crayons besides that ONE?

One by one, they ran up to me, screaming, "Mommy, I had it first", "No, I had it first and she ripped it out of my hand"...."Well, I've been waiting for my turn and he won't let me have it".

I had had enough. I finally lost my temper and in a loud, angry tone of voice, I said, "Can't you all play nicely together for just a little while? Why do you always need me to intervene? I just want some peace and quiet, for a change. Is that too much to ask? Can you all just leave me alone for a little while, PLEASE? I really need to focus!"

They all nodded their heads and walked away to resume coloring. I felt bad for raising my voice but, my goodness, I'll never get this book done at the rate I'm going.

Just as I turned back to my computer, Cole came up to me and asked, "Mommy, what are you working on?" Annoyed yet again at being interrupted, I sighed, "Cole, I'm working on my book. I need to concentrate, so can you find something to do and not bother me for a little while?"

Obviously, not catching a clue, he asked, "What's your book about?" Now I was getting super frustrated....soon, Tim would be home and I'd have to start cooking dinner. And then I'd have lost my mo-jo and Lord only knew when it would hit me again.

I answered, "It's a story. My story about how desperately I wanted to be a mother . Okay? Now can you leave me alone so I can get back to my writing?"

Oh yes, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I had to laugh at the irony of it all. I was telling my kid to get lost for a little while so I could write about how badly I wanted children. I was asking them for peace and quiet, while I was writing a paragraph describing how the deafening sound of silence in our home made my heart ache.

I went back and read the paragraph that I had just written and I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes. Was I really THAT blind?

Nothing is so important that I can't take a few minutes away from my work to help my kids resolve an argument, even though I play referee at least 10 times a day, or to spend those last 20 minutes of the day reading them their favorite book.

Someday, when this book is finally done, I wish to dedicate it to them....my children, the ones who healed my heart and made it whole again. My children, the ones who fill our home with the sound of laughter and tears, so much so that I can't even hear the sound of my own voice most of the time.

I want them to be proud of the book and proud of me, not resentful of the time I spent away from them in order to finish it.

After all, my children are the reason I even have a story to tell.

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60 comments:

Alicia said...

Oh Helene..I think we all can relate to that story in one way or another.

I've been there and done that so many times!!!

Kids are so awesome though, aren't they? Unconditional love...

M said...

I think every mom who had trials conceiving goes through this type of scenario. I wish someone had told me to expect to feel less than grateful for your chilren at times and that it was ok to feel that way and that it goes away quickly.

I hope you can find a way to add it in to your book.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

That's the irony you just have to laugh at.
Best of luck with the book!

Buckeroomama said...

...and while we feel so guilty for having done (fill in the blank), our little ones move on and continue to love us no less than before the incident. They're blessings in more ways than one. :)

All the best with your book!

Living It, Loving It said...

Sometimes, the stress of life makes us forget for a moment why we are here. Your book will be done someday, but today, you are a mother and it is a wonderful blessing. I know that one days when my kids, I will miss the chaos the most. The mornings where I am screaming "Let's go, let's move!"-those will just be a memory. And the silence, we will all have that again, well until the grandkids come over.

Mimi and Tilly said...

I was reading another blog earlier in the week (Centsational Girl). And she was writing about how when her children first came along she was exhausted. Her husband's Grandmother (who reached 100 years young last week) said to her,"The days are long but the years are short". I thought of this again when I read your post. It's ok to feel frustrated and tired. Sometimes the days can feel long, with no time to yourself. I think you are a fab mum. I know of no other Mum who would tack their chid's undercrackers to the bathroom wall to encourage potty training. Brilliant stuff.

Eve said...

A lovely post. I hope to one day read your book!

kys said...

We have all had those moments. I'm so glad to hear that you are working on a book. I can't wait to read it! I know it will be awesome!

Carly said...

You make me cry because I often feel torn between trying to do something for yourself and for the Children that you prayed so hard to get ! Someday your book will be done .I cannot wait to read it!

Booklover1212 said...

Ah yes....the vicious cycle of motherhood. So many times we've all caught ourselves in that exact moment.

I can't WAIT to read your book!! You go girl!

~ Jennifer

Creative Junkie said...

Beautifully written, Helene. I'm glad you're putting it all down for others to enjoy - I'll be the first in line to buy it!

Amy said...

I had a moment like that yesterday. My little one was acting so wild I even put her in time out. I was so upset I had to do that. Then she just kept it up all night. I just wanted to crack and I felt bad because I was a little harsh and mean. I guess we all kind of loose it.

Menopausal New Mom said...

Oh the irony of an AHA moment! I think it is wonderful that you are documenting your journey but with all those little ones, you may be a grandma before it gets finished.

I loved your post, made me laugh and tear up too! I hope you get that book done, I would love to read it!

Eva Gallant said...

My kids are grown and gone...and yes the days were long, but the years were short!

Twincerely,Olga said...

what a great post!!It happens to me too!! They can always gently remind us about whats important!!

Melanie said...

One of the reasons I love reading your blog is posts like this. I laugh and/or cry, and know I'm not alone.

I too would love to read your book!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I get it...I am right there with you too.

Nezzy said...

Just leave it to a kid to put things in perspective. Out of the mouth of babes centers us and brings us back to reality. All so beautifully written in your post. Any mom can relate to this. Thanks!!!

Have a fantastic day filled with blessings of fun and laughter of your children.

Jenny said...

Your book will be awesome! It's funny the irony, but seriously sometimes you just need some silence! LOL!

Heather Kephart said...

Helene, I can SO relate! It's so frustrating to finally get on a writing roll, then not be able to see it through. I feel the same way about my kids. Writing is important though, as you know. Once the bug hits you it becomes a fever.

Our kids fill our souls with happiness and make us want to write, yet make it nearly impossible. Got to love it!

Michaela said...

I catch myself feeling that way at times too - I think every mother does! At least you could see and laugh about the irony of it all!
Stopping by from SITS to say hi

LazyCrazyMama said...

Oh the irony ;) Love it!! I hope you are able to get your book done someday, I will totally buy it!! :) Funny, mine would probably be quite similar. I've all but given up on being able to actually write though... maybe when the kids are able to entertain themselves? at what 18 years? ;)

Heather said...

So true. I find it so amazing how I LONGED for the sound and mess of children when I was trying to desparately to have them. Now, I long for peace & quiet and less messiness : ) It's always so good to remember the days we didn't have so that we can cherish the days we have an abundance of : ) Great post!

Angela said...

I hear you girlfriend! The deafening sound of silience and the moments when it's so crazy you can't hear yourself think... Thanks for putting it all back into perspective. I wonder if those of us who struggled so long to fill our homes with "noise" if we don't cherish the clatter more than others, even if we're pulling our hair out! I will be the first to buy your book...you go girl! Sending mojo your way!

Jen said...

I can't tell you how many times I have felt the same way. It was a struggle to have children for me too. I think that I have my priorities messed up. I really do.

Corrie Howe said...

I have too many of these regretful thoughts flooding back to me. Mostly when the are the the bed and looking and acting like angels.

Twins Squared said...

I know how you feel too! We all do I suppose. For all those years trying and begging and pleading with God. The gratitude really IS there. (I know it is for you too.) And yet so often I find myself being resentful at the way in which they came because it is so so hard! Torn with guilt - I suppose that is part of being a mom. But God had a different plan for you and I and yes, one day it will again be quiet. Sniff, sniff. No in between I guess.

shortmama said...

Awww love it!!! Sometimes God just slaps us right in the face!

Karen, authrof of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

That was ironic. Good thing you realized your children are here now and most important--book can wait.

The Mother said...

It's really hard to write a novel without putting yourself empathically in the head of the main character. Ambiance is a big part of that.

So you obviously need to stow your kids and hole up somewhere quiet.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes feel guilty about blogging.

When did I become my Mom said...

See another novelist would have had someone to watch the kids while you worked. You're trying to do two full-time jobs with the same dedication at the same time. One is going to suffer.

If you had to go to work outside the home, would you feel guilty? If you had to do groceries and you knew the store would be overcrowded and dangerous for your babies, would you feel guilty?
Sometimes you just need a little time to dedicate to doing the things that must get done.

But there are some things that can't be multi-tasked, especially if the other task is the kids.

You'll find a way honey. And you're a great mom.

blueviolet said...

You caught yourself in that moment and that shows that you're a wonderful mom. :)

MamaHen Em said...

I can't wait to read that book someday. You are a GREAT mom :)

Nikki B. said...

so jealous that you're writing a book...one of these days, maybe i will.

i will most def be buying yours!

Chacoy said...

Hello, I am just sending out a little note asking some of the very sweet people that follow Ma21cuteboy for your help:( On November 17,2009 the March of Dimes is hosting a blog called UNITE Fight for Preemies, you can help by clicking the button on my blog and signing up,getting your own button, and blogging about a preemie that you may have, know, or know someone who knows, and donating to find a cause for God's Smallest Miracles.
Thank you,
Chacoy

Deb said...

Irony always bites us in the butt, doesn't it? I know, I have "mom tantrums" sometimes on the way to school. Then I spend the whole day beating myself up about my mothering skills--but when you are trying to break up a sibling fight for the umpteenth time, I do swear one could go crazy. Kids and puppies, that's why they're so cute, right?

I can tell from all of your beautiful writing that these children are well loved--and they know it now and always will. xoxo, Deb

KK said...

Your children are blessed to have you. We all have those "ah-ha" moments!

Annie said...

I love this post! I too have to go back and re read my old journal entries and blog posts.

Once I wrote about how badly I wanted my own home. Now I complain about keeping it up....how ungrateful of me ya know?

Good luck on your book! I am writing a how to book but blogging is taking up all my time these days...I can't wait to get it done!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Oh my, How I can relate! There are so many times where I lose my patience and yell can I get 2 minutes. These are the same children who I worried my whole pregnancy for. Who I prayed, "God, please just left me have healthy babies"
I am still learning that life can wait but spending time with the kids is the best thing I can give them.
Great post! And I can not wait to read your book! How awesome!

Life with Kaishon said...

What a great post and what a very great reminder! Our children are SO valuable and precious and sometimes we let things that really are not nearly as important as them be in the way!

Mural Maker said...

Hi, Helene. First - Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest. Second, your post took me back 18 years. I, too, was infertile. My husband and 3 boys (7, 10, 12) moved in w/me in 1992 and we had full custody. I was overwhelmed by parenting, even tho it was what I had craved for years. I thought I'd write a book. (sound familiar so far?)
But then switched to a magazine. I have a short attention span. So I created, wrote, edited, published Step Parenting Today - out of my dining room - with my friend's Mac. The kids would be screaming, fighting, just being themselves and I'd be screaming, fighting, all the while writing an article on Positive Parenting.
Yes, I appreciate the irony.
Now they're grown and we have one beautiful 2yr old grandson, whom I treasure.

Michelle said...

Wow, don't you love it when reality hits you like this. Enjoy those kiddos and hopefully you can squeeze some time in to write the book too :-)

Sara said...

Sometimes life has a way of kicking us in the butt, huh? I think every mom can relate to this post!

Just Playin' said...

Keep goin' with the book. The kids will love reading it when they're grownup. It's normal to get agitated with the kids sometimes.

I'm sending the following to everyone on my Reading List.

To those on my Reading List:
Please do me a favor. Would you go to my blog and “follow” me again? Because I changed my URL, I have lost many of my readers. I know you can still hunt me down, but this will make it ever so much easier on you. I will once again show up on your Reader and Blog Roll. I knew this would happen but needed to change to be more representative of who I am now. I think this is the best fix. Thanks for your time. If you have another solution, let me know! Thanky!!!!!

2 Toddlers and Me said...

I can completely relate. There are times when I'm blogging about some amazing motherhood moment I've had and yelling at the kids to be quiet so I can think - all at the same time. It does make me feel terrible too. I'm glad you shared this, because it's great to know it happens to others too.

I wish you luck with your book, the fact that your able to write it with 4 young children is amazing. And it's always good to step back and appreciate those children once in awhile. It sounds like you've stumbled upon a good balance.

angelina la dawn said...

after this post i can really visualize life with two sets ot twins (whew!)
thanks for stopping by my blog!

ps- i'm in love with your button blog dividers

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

I dealt with fertility problems too and sometimes I find myself shooing him away while I'm trying to get work done. And then I remember......he comes first.

yonca said...

Love your writings.Best of luck with the book! Hugs!!!

Erin M. said...

Helene, you said this all so well that I quickly just reprimanded myself. I am so tired of playing referee over here...but how quickly I forget about that looming silence and my own desperations...

Nishant said...

I wish someone had told me to expect to feel less than grateful for your chilren at times and that it was ok to feel that way and that it goes away quickly. Work from home India

Cascia said...

That is beautiful! I wish you the best on your book! That is a major project! I think it is wonderful that you are dedicating it to your kids.

Jenn Randomly @ S Muse Designs said...

Too funny! I find myself in similar situations quite often...ironic to say the least! After I announce I want another baby i end up spending the rest of the arguing with my own two and my sisters two and questioning what on earth i was thinking LOL!

Frugal Vicki said...

I think of this all the time....that I started blogging to make a little side spending money to stay home with the kids, but what good is it if I spend so much time away from them. I am glad to have another reminder.

Sharlene said...

Helene that is so sweet! I will totally buy your book btw. Thanks for the reminder that our kids are the inspiration for our writing and that we need to keep them the priority.

Mamatoosi said...

Helene, been there, done that! Actually, that's a big part of the reason why my blog is a ghost town right now. I decided that I needed to let some things go and focus on my family more. Well, that and play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.

:)

Mamatoosi said...

P.S. Can't wait until your book comes out! I'd love to read it.

MommyAmy said...

So well said!

Seems like lately I'm pretty focused on when I'm gonna get my "Me" time. Stupid thing is, I had YEARS of Me time before they came along, all the while praying I'd get pregnant and have kids and a reason to enjoy life again.

Morgan said...

I look forward to reading your story when you're done.

Some days it feels like all I do is play referee and stop temper tantrums! But it's all worth it compared to that loneliness wishing for a child.

kanishk said...

There are times when I'm blogging about some amazing motherhood moment I've had and yelling at the kids to be quiet so I can think - all at the same time.
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I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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