Sunday, December 6, 2009

Yeah, that's just a little bit awkward....

A couple months ago, my ob/gyn sent me to radiology for a pelvic ultrasound. Why, you may ask? Because I'm pregnant with our 3rd set of twins. There, the cat's out of the bag....whew, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Geez, I'm just kidding! Okay, pick your jaw up off the ground already. Could you imagine?? Seriously, another set of twins on top of the 2 sets I already have....I'd be pulling a Kate Gosselin on Tim so quickly he wouldn't know what hit him....you know, a super bitch on wheels, though I don't think I'd go far enough as to do the backwards mullet with my hair.

Moving on, now that your hearts are beating regularly again, the pelvic ultrasound was to examine my innards...my uterus, mainly. I went a whole 14 months without a period and my doctor congratulated me, "Welcome to the land of shriveled, dried-up vaginas....make yourself comfortable and take some extra calcium so your bones don't crack in half next time you high-5 someone".

But then...bam...out of nowhere, my period came back with a vengeance, making up for lost time. It was a serious WTF moment for me because it came out of the blue...no cramps, no headaches, no bitchiness...but then again, I'm bitchy all the time so I guess I should say no EXTRA bitchiness.

So I called my doctor and made an appointment, explaining that my uterus had apparently come out of retirement for one last hurrah. The first thing the nurse did was ask me to pee in a cup to make sure I wasn't pregnant. I said, "Look, don't even waste your time. My doctor tied my tubes so tightly with my last c-section that NOTHING is getting through, trust me". She laughed and continued insisting on a pregnancy test, saying it was routine. I grabbed the cup from her hand and muttered, "I don't even remember the last time my husband and I had sex", but then I quickly clamped my mouth shut when I realized I had said that EXACT same line when I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd set of twins.

Pregnancy test was negative, of course. My doctor gave me an exam and announced that my uterus felt small and normal but she wanted to send me for a pelvic ultrasound to see what my uterine lining looked like. That would give us a little more information to work with, in terms of what had caused my period to come back. She started throwing around words like fibroids, hormonal imbalance and the big C....cancer, but the chance of cancer was pretty small much to my relief.

2 weeks later, I go in to the radiology department with my bladder so full, which was required, that it felt like it could possibly explode without any warning. After a 10-minute wait of me shifting my body uncomfortably in a chair and looking at my watch, a guy named Dave calls me into the back.

He starts to explain to me that I'll need to undress from the waist down, while he leaves the room. Then he asks, "Uh, this is kinda awkward but I need to ask if you'd prefer a female technician. I'm totally fine with doing the ultrasound but I figured I'd give you the option. I've done this a million times. I can also have a female tech in the room with us if that works okay for you". Because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I told him I was cool with him doing the ultrasound, provided a female tech was there as well. Check me out...I didn't want to hurt HIS feelings. Am I Mother Theresa or what... the things I do to make others happy. This oughta earn me a place in heaven, don't you think?

Dave does the abdominal ultrasound, pressing hard against my bladder to the point where I continue to grimace. He apologizes for the discomfort but he assures me that we're almost done. He turns the screen towards me and points out my ovaries (oh yeah) and my uterus (woo-hoo) and does some measurements.

Then he says, "Okay, you can go empty your bladder. I'm going to get the vaginal probe set up so when you come back in here, I want you to lie on the table and insert the probe. I'll be back in shortly thereafter".

I stared at him, completely motionless. He said, "Any questions?" and I said, "Uh, yeah...you want ME to put the probe where? In my...uh...private part?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes, place it in your vagina". Was he freakin serious? Apparently, he was. This was some new rule that the HMO had in place now where ultrasound techs were not allowed to do this anymore, that the patient has to do it herself.

I entered the room after emptying my poor bladder (which seemed to take a whole 5 minutes) and eyed the vaginal probe. Okay, how exactly was I going to do this? Should I lay down on the table and then grab onto it? Should I sit up and try to insert it? Oh, Lordy, this thing was HUGE...it reminded me of the many many times I had had vaginal ultrasounds during my IVF cycles. But I was never asked to insert it in myself, for crying out loud! But I guess when dealing with infertility, the doctors figure that it'd be nice for me to hang on to that last little bit of dignity I have left.

I grabbed the probe and decided to take charge. I mean, really, was it that big of a deal? Now, I kinda wished I had thought to bring Tim along. Could've killed 2 birds with 1 stone...I would've gotten my ultrasound done and he would've gotten his jollies off at the same time.

Finally, the darn thing was in place...inside me. And there I laid on my back with my legs wide open, holding the probe in place. I wondered if could I let go of it or would it fall out? I didn't want to find out, on the chance that it would fall onto the dirty floor and I'd have to tell Dave what a loser I was. The time seemed to drag by as I waited for him and the female tech to come back into the room.

Okay, hold on...was I supposed to wait until they came back into the room before inserting the probe? Oh God, I couldn't remember. Would they both walk back in, see the damn thing in between my legs and assume the worst? I envisioned them having a good laugh about that later at lunch with their co-workers..."So yeah, we go back in the room and the patient is just laying there holding the probe in her vagina, as if we caught her in the act...I mean, someone needs to get laid obviously".

No, I was pretty sure the reason he had left the room was to give me privacy. That was the excuse I was going to give him, anyway. They finally come back into the room and Dave asks, "Did you manage to get the probe in okay?" I laughed and answered, "Yeah, but I had to clear a few cobwebs out of the way first". They both remained serious, without even the slightest sign of a smirk on their faces. Oh man, this was just a little bit awkward.

He says, "I've got a hold of the probe now so you can let go". Thank God! He has a confused look on his face though as he asks, "Uh, did you have the probe in as far as it would go? Cuz I'm not seeing anything clearly on the screen". I said, "I just put the tip of it in because I wasn't sure if you wanted me to put it in all the way"...OMGosh, did I seriously just say that?! Wasn't that something that the guy is supposed to say?

Then he asks, "Do I have your permission to push the probe in further or would you like to do it yourself?" I just stared at the ceiling, wishing the torture would end already. I was waiting for someone to pop in the room and say, "You're on Candid Camera!" I said, "Just go ahead and do what you need to do so this can be over with"...hmmmm, I think I used that same line when I lost my virginity to my high-school boyfriend.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Dave pushes the probe in further and he asks, "Does it feel like it's in far enough?" I shrugged and said, "I guess so...I mean, how far do you want it in? Like as far as it will go or just enough to see what you need to see?"

At this moment, I think he just wanted to get it over with as quickly as I did. So he pushed the probe in as far as it would go, practically piercing a vital organ. I said, "Uh, I think that's as far as it'll go...unless you want to examine my brain". He didn't laugh. Of all the ultrasound techs, why did I have to get the one with NO sense of humor?

As I waited for him to do the measurements, I imagined Dave in bed with a lover, asking her, "Do I have your permission to put in further? Does it feel like it's in as far as it'll go?"

Thankfully, the ultrasound was all over after a matter of minutes. Before he turned to leave the room, he explained that the radiologist would examine the results and forward them to my doctor. Then he said, "Do you have any questions?" and I SOOOO badly wanted to ask, "Yeah, was it as good for you as it was for me?" but I refrained, surprisingly.

In the end, my uterine lining looked unusually thick so my doctor ended up doing an endometrial biopsy, which oddly enough didn't bother me as much as the vaginal ultrasound did. I'll take having the inside of my uterus scraped with a curette without the use of pain medication OVER having to insert a vaginal probe inside myself in the presence of a male ultrasound tech who doesn't have one ounce of humor in his personality.

Oh, and all is well with my innards...there's no explanation for why Aunt Flo decided to come by for a visit out of the blue, other than she missed me and wanted to make my life a living hell for a few days, like any loving relative would do.

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111 comments:

Molly said...

O.M.G. that is the nuttiest ultrasound story I've ever heard! I had one before with the probe too, but this was before the rules changed! (Fortunately it was a female tech doing the inserting!) What I thought was so weird was they put a condom like thing over it first, which makes sense I guess. Glad everything worked out for you though! thanks for stopping by my blog for SITS share day!

Amy said...

Oh my I am not sure what I would have done. I have never heard of you having to do it yourself. That is just so different. Glad you are okay. I am doing my Round Robin on Friday if you want to join in.

LauraC said...

SERIOUSLY how could the guy not have a sense of humor with your awesome jokes?! Fantastic story.

Neo said...

soundtech musta been humour deaf. first time here. nice.

Eva Gallant said...

You are way to funny and the guy was a jerk if he couldn't even at least smile at your wise cracks! I was all but rolling on the floor laughing...by the way....you really got me in the beginning! I told my hubby, "remember the lady with the two sets of twins? she's expecting another set! Oops, no she's not. She was pulling my leg!"

Nicolasa said...

hahah oh wow! This sounds like a moment that you'd love to forget!

blueviolet said...

How could he resist your humor? None of us can!

Kelli said...

I hope your test results are as normal as can be! I just had to go through the exact same thing. Your story is so much more entertaining than mine, though. The biopsy was hell...never want to go through that again...and they had to do it twice...AND it was unsuccessful in getting a reading. Blah. Surgery is January 4th...

The Lane Family said...

Oh my gosH!!I thought this was so funny and talk about a tech with no sense of humor. I had one of these done a couple of months ago and I too was little surprised when they told me to put it in myself...okay. Never mind I am paying you a couple thousand dollars I will do it myself.

I also loved the part about you should have brought your husband along and then you could have killed two birds with one stone. I felt the same way but did not bring him either...maybe next time :)

Glad all was well!!

Booklover1212 said...

Thank you so much for the needed laugh today! (And I haven't had much to laugh at lately!).

I'm so glad that you're ok AND NOT pregnant with your 3rd set of twins....boy you had me going there!!

~ Jennifer

kristi said...

OMG, that always happens to me too! Why do some people have NO sense of humor?

Hey, I don't think I have told you about my other (private) blog.
It is www.
kristi-keepingitreal.blogspot.com

Kristina P. said...

This is hilarious! And my eyes bugged out of their head when you said you were pregnant again! ha!

Jen said...

I have to say that during my many wonderful vaginal ultrasounds when I was pregnant with the triplets I had to do all the inserting. Wonderful, I tell you just wonderful.

dahnya said...

Maybe the uptight tech dude was afraid to laugh at the "cobweb" joke because he felt so awkward?

Nonetheless, thanks for sharing your experience. I could not stop laughing out loud through out your description of the ordeal. Even though I felt terrible for you! I'm glad everything worked out okay.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Officially I'm not here, so feel honored that I'm commenting..yeah right! I had that same thing happen when I was testing with the ovaries...TWICE. I had to put it in. What's up with that??

Mighty M said...

Oh, what a funny tale you tell. And all of it, true! Yeah, I've had those probe US before and I've always had to do the "insertion". Hope all is well!! :)

2SetsOfTwins4Me said...

Omg, thats freaking hilarious. I bet that was so akward. lol
I had to do the same thing when i had a vag u/s at the hospital about 3 years ago. I thought it was so weird that he wanted me to insert it myself, i almost felt like what i was doing was ment to be private. LOL.
I kept thinking the same thing you were. I remember thinking, please nobody watch me as i insert this. lol
I dont know why i had to do it either.
My obgyn does them himself so it was strange to have a tech ask me to do it myself.

Glad to hear all is well. I am having the exact opposite of you. Ever since my tubes were tied in January, my periods are coming so close together and my periods are way heavier and longer now. I seriously feel like i am always on the rag, its very annoying. I was thinking of making an appointment too but am afraid that all he would tell me to do is get on birth control pills to regulate me. Um, no thanks!

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

Okay, I'm just now picking my jaw up off the floor from the mention of being pregnant with your third set of twins! Oh.my.gosh! Yes, I too had to have a vaginal ultrasound AFTER the "rules" changed, and I thought that was so weird! Luckily for me, the tech was a lady {a lady who did NOT have a sense of humor, but a lady}. HOW akward!

Erykah said...

So my very first vaginal ultrasound... I'm 5 or 6 weeks pregnant with the twins and the tech attempts to insert it. I grab a hold of the table and could not breathe... she tells me she is having trouble finding my ovaries. I jump up and she says, "I went south when I should have gone north!" And proceeds with the ultrasound... I so thought your story was going to have the same ending. For you, I'm glad it didn't!

Thena said...

About a year ago my Aunt Flo decided to stick around for 5 straight weeks. First thing they did was an ultrasound, yeah during her visit. Fortunately it was a woman technician. But it must be routine because I had the same experience she told me to put it in. I must have had a strange look because she asked me "you do know where your vagina is right"? That didn't show anything so he eventually did the endometrial biopsy also. Which I agree it wasn't that bad. He finally put me on hormones for a year that got me regulated, to now Aunt Flo rarely shows up. The wonders of growing older.

Sherri @ Luv a Bargain said...

Oh my gosh! My jaw did just hit the floor! And just when I picked it up, it dropped again reading what they made you do (with tears of laughter of course). And how could he possibly not laugh at cob webs:) That was good:)

kys said...

During the whole story I kept saying "That's what she said" in my head. And really, did you have to give me a heart attack with the 3rd set of twins scam???

Jessica Jones said...

That has to be the funniest thing ever...well I totally feel your pain and realize it was prob not that funny at the time but man i would totally laugh about it with you IRL

my little world said...

Thanks for the laugh.. that was so funny!

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Christina said...

I really did almost freak out and call DH when I read "3rd set of twins!" Man!
When I was going through my IVF cycle, that was the first time they asked me to put that thing in myself. I totally feel ya on that. I'm not sure I could of handled a male though..kind of weird.

Donna said...

Helene!!!! THANK YOU or thatlaugh! OMG - I couldn't even read it straight through - too many tears and ten I ;ld start laughing all over again! Ha-FRICKIN'-LARRY-USH!

I've never ever heard of the self insertion mode. I think I may have to refuse. I din't for one minute believe you were prego because I knew there would have been a much bigger lead in than that! And I also think we probably wouldn't have seen on you on blogworld for like, what a week or four? As you "recovered!" ;-)

Hope all continues to go well with Aunt Flo and all of her plumbing issues!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Having had many vj ultrasounds myself, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO PUT IT IN YOURSELF NOW.

And why don't you just have that thing (uterus) taken out. Best thing I ever did.

Jenny said...

OMG! This same thing happened to me! I was pregnant with Abby and went into labor at 30 weeks. After getting the contractions to stop, I was sent for an ultrasound. To my HUGE surprise, the lady hands me the probe and tells me to insert it myself! My husband was there and I couldn't look at him or I just knew I would bust out laughing!

Seriously, isn't this what the ultrasound tech gets paid for? Why do I have to insert it? Plus, they use a condom to cover it, making it even more awkward!

MamaHen Em said...

WOW. That sounds like the WORST thing ever! EVER! Wow. WOW. That's all I can say.

Carly said...

Helene, Only you could write such a funny post about a totally ackward situation. Glad to hear all is o.k.

Megan said...

Oh my God, I was ROLLING on the floor laughing at this!!!!! How incredibly awkward and hilarious, all at the same time! :-D

Samantha said...

This made me laugh, hard! How very awkward, and exactly why I HATE going to the Docs for anything of that nature. It looks like he could have had a sense of humor though, I mean, geez. It's the least he could have done.

I hope you didn't have to pay as much considering you had to stick the probe in yourself. That should account for some kind of discount.

Two Normal Moms said...

I'm just saying - if you have to ask a patient to insert the probe herself - you BETTER get a sense of humor fast. I'm wiping tears of laughter out of my eyes now. And thanking God that it was not me because you handled it so much better than I would have!
***Ally

Karen said...

Holy crap. Seriously. I'm sure it was pretty awkward for him, too. Doesn't he realize it's a little less so if you can laugh about the situation? I mean, provided you're laughing too.

I think I would have rather had the female tech instead!

Jenna @ Newlyweds said...

OMG that is the funniest story ever, how awkward!! I would have been the same exact way, ha ha ha. So glad everything is fine with you.

The Plateniks said...

thanks for the laugh...although I'm sorry it was at the expense of your vagina. I needed a good laugh tonight.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

It was like being right there with you but I would've cracked up so hard, the tech would've took one look at me and pointed to the door. No sense of humor, man! I wanted to crawl under the table just by your play by play details. That's the kind of embarrassment I always get myself into!

So glad that Aunt Flo came to visit. Hope she doesn't visit for quite some time.

Jenn said...

Oh my gravy! I can't believe you had to put it in yourself! That's just crazy.

I laughed so hard reading this my husband asked what was funny. Uhh...nothing, dear. :)

Andrea said...

This made me laugh so hard! You know, my RE during the IVF always inserted the probe himeself; however the girl tech at my regular OB would leave the room to let me take off my pants and sit with the paper over me. BUT then she'd come back in and get ready and would hand me the probe under the paper and let me "get it started". NOW I wonder if it was because of some new rule. I had always thought she was being nice and wanted me to do the initial poking myself. LOL. But your situation was so awkward with having to wonder if you should hold it in you and wait...? LOL!! The girl I have just made it seem like if I started it, she wouldn't have to take a look down there to make sure it was going in right. Man, your story was hilarious though!

Joy said...

OMG! I couldn't stop laughing. My husband kept asking me what I was reading because I kept laughing over and over. I'm so sorry you had to go through such an akward situation, that was so funny to read about!!

KK said...

Wow, I can't believe they make you do it yourself now!! Crazy, but so funny :) I'd have to ask for a girl!

D said...

So glad I didn't read this one at school. Holy cow! I'm laughing so hard I've got tears pouring down my face and I think I wet my pants. OH, and thanks for reassuring me that I'm not the only one who told the high school boyf to,"Just do it and get it over with." Thanks!

KK said...

Oh and I was totally excited about a 3rd set of twins. Rats!

cindi said...

What happened to the good old days where the docotor would come in, listen to your lungs and heart, then push a little button to have the nurse come in before sticking something cold and metallic in there to examine you? Geez!

Morgan said...

Oh Helene, you had me laughing out loud while reading this even though it's almost 1am! What an awkward experience! I can't believe they didn't laugh at the cobweb joke though...

When I started reading this, I wondered whether you had had a tubal, and then I saw where you mentioned you did. I've come across other women that have had weird things going on with the lining of their uterus as well as weird periods after tubals. Has your doctor mentioned a connection?

Alicia said...

All I have to say is that my cheeks (on my face) are hurting from LAUGHING THE ENTIRE TIME! Oh my gosh, that is just soo weird! I would have left!!

Veronica Lee said...

LOL, that was a funny tale to share!!!

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M said...

And men complain about a once a year prostate test ... and not until they are 50.

Your story made me laugh and squirm in discomfort at the same time ... that guy probably went through months of desensitizing training to not laugh at those jokes ...

I once told my husband that I'd like to have my hand around their ... uh ... umm ... you know ... and every time they pushed that probe in too far ("to get a better look"), I'd give them a hard squeeze as a reminder.

Aren't we sooo lucky to be female at times? Men have no idea the fun they are missing ...

Mimi and Tilly said...

Nooooooo... How can someone who spends all day dealing with private areas not have a sense of humour? I have had experiences during pap smears that have broken my heart, I've been the only one laughing, and you could hear tumble weeds rolling across the floor after I've shared a joke. I don't think I'm ready to go into particulars but you have my total sympathy. :)

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

I'm dying over here! That is hilarious! I actually had to insert my own probe for my last vaginal ultrasound too. Doesn't that sound dirty? Inserting my own probe! So glad that everything is normal and sorry Aunt Flow is back. I haven't seen her since my second set was born and I bet I just jinxed myself on that one. By the way, my heart skipped a beat when you said you were having a third set. To me, that is some seriously scary stuff!

Creative Junkie said...

Are you serious? A DIY pelvic ultrasound? I've never heard of such a thing! Then again, I haven't had one of those things in forever.

Damn, I hope you got a discount on the co-pay or something.

Menopausal New Mom said...

Oh this takes me back. I've had to do that vaginal probe on two separate occasions and both times they slipped a condom over it and left it with me to do the "work".

I'm glad to hear that everything turned out okay for you but just a little story of my own, my step-daughter is a pretty good looking gal and does ultrasound. While she was scanning some guys scrotum, he asked her out on a date, no lie! I'm serious, she refused but trust me, she has a great sense of humor and still laughs about it!

Shell said...

ROFL

I had to have one of those lovely probe ultrasounds, though thankfully, I did not have to insert it myself.


Though, the doctor who did, because it's a weird and small world...his wife, at that very moment, was the substitute teacher for my class of 5th graders, until I got back from my appointment.

Now, that felt odd. Walking back into the classroom, seeing her, and thinking hey, I was just with your husband and do you know what he did????

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

BigSis said...

Thankfully, all my docs and technicians have had great senses of humor. Your comments were hysterical!

Brooke said...

wow.

wow.

and i hate it when people don't have a sense of humor!

although it always freaked me out that my gyn wanted to chat about movies whilst examining me.

LucidLilith said...

Okay. This is my first time here and I am loving your narrative. I dont have kids yet but this blog should teach me plenty.

Paula @ Organizing Tips For Moms said...

wow. what a story. crazy.

I had baby Lia Nov 2. All is well. still can't believe I'm starting over, but we love her so much.

3rd set of twins--could you imagine starting over?

Mommy Is Green said...

You are hilarious! I wish I could find humor in my ultrasound visits. -Victoria from MBC Follow Me Club

Samantha said...

This post made my day. I love reading your blog. It gives me the much needed giggles.

shortmama said...

Clearly the guy had no sense of humor whatsoever because I thought it was hilarious!!

Nezzy said...

Ya had me at a third set of twins! Don't ya hate it when you pull excellent jokes to lighten such a uncomfortable moment an the twerp doesn't even crack a smile?

I was running down my list and saw pregnant again and I just had to take the time to check it out.

I'm back from south Texas but I hit the ground running because I have done nothing for Christmas and with eight grandkids expecting the perfect gift from Grandma Muzzie...well....no pressure here.

Have a great day and I'm still blown away that they wanted you to insert the dang probe yourself. Great post!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Helene , that was too funny! Your sense of humor is great!
hugs hugs

Angela said...

I soooo wish I'd have read this 6 years ago while they were trying desperately to find a missing ovary!! I would have appreciated your sense of humor so much! After a flood of docs came in trying to find it, to no avail. My mom had words of encouragement though..."maybe they're all shriveled up like mine".She being 71 & me 31! Thanks mom! Maybe I'll let her read your post and watch her face change a few shades of red! HA! Love ya, Helene!

Erin said...

OMG, Helene! I would've died on the spot. I can't believe they've changed things up so much since I went through IVF.

Congrats on getting through the biopsy unscathed. I had one a few years back and it was awful. I will never forget it and hope I never have to have another one...

Alex Fitzpatrick aka Ma What's 4 Dinner said...

Ok, where to begin...you totally got me with the preggers bit. I think my mouth really did hit the desk. Secondly, I was totally waiting for you to say it was a candid camera bit.

I, obviously much like yourself there with your hoo-ha hanging out everywhich way, always try to diffuse the horror with comedy and when I get an unsympathetic audience I fill with rage.

I can't believe he kept asking you if he could, uh, push it in further!!!! I'd be dying! That was like the first time I was in labor in what I still think was some orderly came in to check my cervix and his hand was so far up there I kept asking him if my cervix was in the same vicinity as my throat?!?!

Ok, well I'm shutting up now. Thanks for the laughs and, most importantly I'm glad that everything is ok and insanely jealous that you are so shriveled up and don't have to deal with tampons and cramps and what not ever again...

Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner?
www.MaWhats4Dinner.com

The Mother said...

Medical tests were designed to do their jobs, not to be fun or comfy. Try having a urodynamics test sometime.

I'm glad it all turned out okay. And that you're not having another set of twins.

Amy said...

Your idea for the Round Robin sounds perfect. Really a ginger bread house with all of those children. Too funny... Hope to see you on Friday..

yonca said...

Omg! Helen, I'm glad to hear eveything turned out ok. But that was so funny..Still laughing:) Great post!

Pam said...

OMG! That is the funniest thing I've read in a really long time. I can not believe that made you insert that probe and then asked all those awkwards questions. What a nightmare. Good for you for keeping your sense of humor during the whole ordeal.

Tess said...

Too funny!

Buckeroomama said...

You somehow managed to make an awkward and um, not-so-pleasant event hilarious!

I wonder what how he would have responded if you actually asked him if enjoyed it as much as you did. ;p

Glad everything is a-okay.

BoufMom9 said...

Oh.My.GOD! OH MY GOD! I am DYING reading this! LMAO! (although I'm so embarassed FOR you!

So glad you are ok!

Sharlene said...

Helene you crack me up!I remember the vaginal ultrasound oh so well. Never had to insert it on my own. Though I bet we could exchange some good gyno stories between your two sets of twins and my one set and continous hoohah issues. So, so funny. I would have laughed my butt off if I was your tech.

Oh- and the three sets of twins comment. I can totally imagine because I have a good friend with three sets under three. I know. Its as crazy as it sounds but they are healthy and beautiful and are much better parents than I could ever be to six kids that young!

Jennifer said...

Ahahahaha, I could not stop laughing the whole way through! Except, when you announced that you were having your third set of twins! LOL! I almost had a heart attack for you!

HeartsMakeFamilies said...

OMG I laughed so hard I was crying. I needed that. Of course that was after you gave me the heartache with the next set of twins. I do not want that exam lol.

HeartsMakeFamilies said...

OMG I laughed so hard I was crying. I needed that. Of course that was after you gave me the heartache with the next set of twins. I do not want that exam lol.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

That Aunt Flo is an unpredictable bitch, thats for sure.
Most of us medical peeps have a wicked, dark sense of humor. Who knows what was wrong with that guy. Maybe that action he got with you is all the action he ever sees!

Alisha said...

LMFAO! Yeah, that is probably the worst u/s story I have ever heard. haha!

Working Mommy said...

OMG!!! I would have DIED if I would have had to insert that probe on my own!! Thankfully my tech did it herself!

~WM

2Shaye ♪♫ said...

Oh my goodness! I was totally laughing out loud. This is great! I've been away for a while and this was an awesome post to come back to! Nice to "see" you again!

Corrie Howe said...

Okay, now you gave me another reason not to go back in for my yearly check ups.

Heather said...

I had NO idea about the new "rules." So much has changed since IVF! You are hilarious, and I don't know how he didn't crack a smile at your jokes.

2 Toddlers and Me said...

That sounds like something that would happen to me! I can't believe the new rules - that is awkward. I'm so sorry for your embarrassment, but you had me laughing so hard over here that there's tears in my eyes as I type this.

By the way - you got me in the first paragraph. And yep, my jaw was on the floor!

Mamatoosi said...

I love you for sharing this. I feel like I can't share stuff like this on my blog anymore because it horrifies my mother-in-law. LOL. Why do we have to live amongst so many people who don't have a sense of humor? How annoying! And then they make us feel like the bad guy. OK, I think I just went on a self-rant. Anyhoo, I'm glad all is good down there for you. Gotta love Aunt Flo's visits. ;)

Mrsbear said...

Oh. My. Jeezus. Awkward is an understatement. I've had the vaginal ultrasounds done, but the tech did the dirty work while I lay back adequately abashed. If I had to insert that phallic sucker myself, I think I would have died. Twice. Ugh. That the guy had zero sense of humor makes it that much worse. Makes a great blog post though. I laughed my ass off at your expense. I apologize. :( The kids are at the table doing their homework and asking me what's so funny. Nothing, kids. Nothing to see here.

Erin Bassett said...

LOL...I'm crying I'm laughing so hard! So sorry you had to go through that, it sounds like something that would happen to me. I can't believe that you spared his feelings and he couldn't even crack a smile at your jokes...the nerve!

Rebecca M. said...

okay, I'm literally laughing out loud at my desk. Great story!

I too had to insert the probe, but for a women tech. I definitely would have asked for a women tech.

HST said...

I think so many people can associate with this. So many of us have been probed and prodded while pregnant. What is next!!

Nicole said...

LOL! Aaaawkward! People with no sense of humor make me sad... for them! Thanks for the laugh glad everything turned out normal =D

Happy Holidays!

Stopping by from SITS! =D

Valerie Neal said...

Stopping by from the SITS Link Up.

UUGGGHHH, this is why most women would rather have a root canal than go to the gyno. I applaud you for sharing!!!

Amie said...

OMG! Thats all this SITSta will say;-)

Jessica said...

Stopping by from SITS!

Yowsers! I can't believe the tech didn't even crack a smile! I think a sense of humor ought to be mandatory to have a job like that... :)

Katie said...

That is the most hilarious post, but the most ridiculous thing ever. I can't believe you had to insert it yourself. That is just crazy! Luckily things seem to be okay so you don't have to go see (and experience foreplay with) Dave again! ;)

LittleTechGirl said...

Hysterical!!!! Well except Dave. :) I remember also having to insert the vaginal probe myself when I was pg with my boys back in 2006. It IS awkward!!! I also remember a time when they brought like 5 other folks into the room doing one of my ultrasounds because they were learning. I just said "Sure, the more the merrier." It was weird as hell having a bunch of folks stand around and watch! But I quickly got used to it.

Boy, the things use women have to go through. :)

sasha said...

very informative blog here i want to share a blog about women health
pregnancy infertility and tubal reversal
http://www.mybabydoc.com/blog/

kp Libretto said...

HILARIOUS!! I always seem to get techs with no sense of humor, too. I mean, c'mon! You're sticking a condom-covered probe in me, it's funny, people!

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

Okay...seriously, I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying! My husband asked me first if I was okay...we are laying in bed while I read this...and he couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying because I was laughing so hard as the tears were streaming down my face. Then when it wouldn't stop because your post kept getting funnier and funnier he asked me to leave the room so he could go to bed! LOL! Seriously, I just got an ab workout reading this! I can only imagine how awkward and hilarious that was all rolled into one!

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, dear girl! I am laughing so hard. Stopped over from Say Anything and so very glad I did. That is just some great cocktail fodder! OMG! What has the world come to, when we have to insert our own vaginal probe! So insanely funny.

Sarah said...

WOW!!!! I stopped over from The Girl Next Door, and I'm glad I did :). What a hilarious post (but you poor thing!). Glad you survived -- I don't think I would have!

Kimberly said...

Coming from The Girl Next Door...This is too funny...not that you had to go through this but the way how you wrote about it! I also had to go through with the awkward wand thing...shudder. I have cysts on my ovaries and I've had it done a million times but it never gets any easier. They should give you a drink or something before you get violated like that ;)

RN Mama said...

Um, wow. This is awkward on so many different levels! Thanks for the laugh! :)

Sparkling said...

I had the internal probe once and I was so worried I was going to hose the place with my full bladder that a parade could have come through and I woudln't have cared. The poor girl kept saying she knew it was hard but it was almost over. Then she offered to let me partially empty my bladder. Um REALLY? I told her once I started I wasn't going to stop, so let's just finish. I remember before she put it in, she told me it was just like a dildo. Oh really? Because at 22 I knew what a dildo was and was a regular user of one????

But having to put it in yourself and then answer those questions?? WHAT the hell is that?????? So if you do it wrong and they don't get the results they need,you have to go back? Why sit there with a trained tech then? Why not just go do it yourself in the first place. I have never heard such lunacy. I can't even believe they want the patients touching their fancy machines!

Cindy said...

sheesh.. Dave needs to get laid!! Then he might have gotten your humor!! Enjoyed the read!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

OMG what a nightmare! So I hope since you had to do it yourself, you didn't have to pay for the ultrasound.

Stop laughing.

I hate it when I think I am being funny and noone else does. Dave needed a sense of humor.

A very awkward situation!

Mom et al said...

I was actually uncomfortable reading that! Next time I hope you say no to Dreary Dave!

Creative Flair said...

Very funny post. I needed a good laugh. Interestingly enough, a friend of mine also has 2 sets of twins, 18 months apart. 3 boys, one girl. And her life is full of fun too! Visiting from iwrite, iblog.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

If you could go back in time and tell him "I just wish it vibrated" that would be so classic.

What a story! I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. Maybe next they'll come up with the complete do it yourself transvaginal ultrasound. Good Grief!

Nancy said...

Ha! That's awesome. Sounds a little like my first ever pelvic exam - conducted by a jamaican intern who held up the speculum and asked "How does this work?" in her cute Bob Marley style accent.

I have 2 sets of twins too! It's a wild ride!
www.tandemtwinning.com

Sandra said...

The land of shriveled up vaginas...I wonder if that will be a happy place for me? Right now, in the land of bleeding vaginas, I cry for about a week before Aunt Flow arrives. I could use with less drama and more shrivelled.

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