Sunday, December 26, 2010

The year 2010 in review....

January 2010:  We began the new year off by making fun of the interesting google searches which bring some poor souls to my blog, such as "does giving birth hurt" and "how to truly enjoy your child's birthday party". 

The spawn got a lesson in reverse psychology while I finally learned that sometimes they DO actually listen, just not exactly when I WANT them to listen.  

And, of course, there was the time when, in a desperate attempt to prove to myself that I deserve to be Mother of the Year, I tried to hang up a mobile for Bella....and almost fell to my death.

February 2010:  After watching Jake Pavelka on The Bachelor suck up to yet another innocent victim, I discussed what men are really looking for in a woman.  

In a rare moment filled with regret, I wished I had spent more time enjoying the children when they were teeny-tiny babies.

This was also the month I reached 1000 followers!!  Such an exciting time!

March 2010:  This month began with Cole and Bella sharing some deep thoughts.  Garrett and Landon turned 3 years old, which turned me into a blubbering blob of sappy tears.

I shared details of my very first real kiss and gave the lowdown on why Tim is so.....uh, for lack of a better word, naive.

And, of course, we mustn't forget about "BFF" who felt the need to litter my blog with cruel and hateful words about my daughter, while cowardly hiding behind an anonymous blogger ID.  I wrote this post to show "BFF" and the world that you can pick on me, but you DO NOT pick on my child.

April 2010:  April started off with a bang as the kids informed me that I was getting a boyfriend for my 41st birthday...how thoughtful of them.  I revealed 10 things that make me.....well, ME.  

In an effort to cleanse my soul, I poured my heart out in a gut-wrenching post about the differences between my mother and myself.

However, I was rather proud when I heard Bella repeating some of my all-time favorite phrases, dripping with sarcasm....imitation is the best form of flattery, so they say.  

I quit Wellbutrin...cold turkey, quite by accident.  Don't worry, people, I'm back on it again...much to Tim's happiness and joy.

And Tim read my blog for the very first time and said he was actually "blown away" by it...especially after reading this post I wrote about the one thing I'm truly good at.

May 2010:  In honor of Mother's Day, I chose to write about the honest truth about the process of becoming a mother.  I hung my head in shame as I revealed that I lack common sense and Garrett allowed me to share his views on potty training with the blogosphere.

We took the kids to Disneyland and, upon returning, I wrote this post about how to survive a family vacation at the "happiest" place on earth. 

Cole learned how to ride a bike without training wheels and Tim caught a soccer ball....with his face.

June 2010:  Just as summer break began, we learned the hard way why you should never carry your child on your shoulders.   After much hard work, the kids and I began to see the fruits of our labor, literally...in our summer garden.

I shared some weight loss tips for those of us still struggling with the New Year's Resolutions which we had made 6 months earlier to....uh, lose weight.

July 2010:  We celebrated the 4th of July by allowing the spawn to play with sparklers.  In a moment of raw honesty, I apologized to the kids for losing my cool in front of them. 

And I made a vain attempt at teaching the spawn about stranger danger, which didn't go over so well.

We took our annual family trip to Lake Tahoe, also known as our "same shit, different place" adventure

August 2010:  This month began by pouring my heart out again, as I shared the graphic details of my experience with PPD.  

To get back at me for re-negotiating my marriage contract in honor of our 7th wedding anniversary, Tim re-negotiated his marriage contract in honor of our 8th anniversary....and he actually wrote this post himself!

I was honored when asked to submit a couple short stories for a book filled with a heartfelt look at parenthood...and my stories were published!!

And Cole and Bella began 1st grade, while Garrett and Landon started preschool....and the school year got off to a good start when Garrett loudly asked me to "hold his balls".  I also shared a haunting tale of senseless eating.

September 2010:  I offered to make a wedding cake for my stepdad's niece and I shared all my cake-baking secrets...sarcasm and all.  My little ole' blog was listed on WE Magazine's list of 101 Women Bloggers to Watch.

Then there was the time that I tried to teach an important life lesson to the spawn in "do what I do, NOT what I say".   And Cole and Bella convinced me that a dead pet was better than no pet at all.

October 2010:  This month started off not so great when I discovered that whoever coined the phrase "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" obviously never made a guitar cake...as I nearly killed myself making birthday cakes for Cole and Bella's 6th birthday. 

I shared my beliefs on why chaperoning your kid's class field trip is basically like selling your soul to the devil and I finally bit the bullet and accepted the fact that apparently I am "THAT" mom.

October ended on a good note when I went in for my very first mammogram and was shocked that having my boobs smashed wasn't so bad after all....and I got a clean bill of health, to boot.

November 2010:  I wrote about the unique privileges of being a parent and what NOT to do when you're invited to be on a talk show.

And then, of course, there was an Interview with the Experts:  The Thanksgiving Edition. 

December 2010:  My kids thought I had no clue and I had to come to terms with the fact that they were probably right.  Also, I poured my heart out again and shared why I hate the phrase "cautiously optimistic". 

We wrapped up 2010 with a final Interview with the Experts where they satisfied your burning curiosity about such things as where do babies come from and how to get your kids to do more chores around the house.

We'll begin 2011 off with The Experts answering the rest of your questions...they've been kind of busy, what with attempting to spy on Santa as he delivered presents and trying to poison the elves with sour milk.

Hope you all have a wonderful (and safe) Happy New Year!!!


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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Interview with the Experts: Answers to YOUR Questions

First off, let me just say how excited Cole and Bella were when they heard how many questions came in from you all for their Interview with the Experts series.  Like uber excitement...such a boost to their little egos, which weren't exactly suffering in the first place.

Next thing I know they'll be asking for designer clothes for the red carpet....

The experts were only able to answer half of the questions so we'll do this in two parts, with the next part being posted next week.

1)  What is the best thing you get to do with Mommy that you wish you could do all the time - Angel at Angel Believes

Bella:  Is that really what she wants to know?
Me:  Yes
Bella:  Is her name really Angel or do they just call her that because she's an angel?
Me:  Both
Bella:  Can you start calling me Angel?
Me:  No
Bella:  Well, it didn't hurt to ask.
Cole:  Let me answer the question already!  I like to play the Wii with my mom and I wish we could do it every minute of the day!
Bella:  I'd like to play tennis with Mommy all the time, if I could.  Even though we never really play it.

2)  What is your favorite thing about your Mom - Shell at Things I Can't Say

Cole:  Um, I just love her so much and I like when she plays the Wii with me.
Bella:  You already said that when you answered the first question!
Cole:  So...I can answer how ever I want!
Bella:  I like when she plays tennis with me and when we decorate the Christmas tree.
Cole:  Me, too.  I love decorating the tree.
Bella:  Copycat!
Cole:  Whatever. 

3) What do you think it's like to be an only child - Big Sis at Speaking of Witch

Cole:  Oh, that's a hard question.  It would be nice because it would always be quiet.
Bella:  Uh, I think it would be good.  Very quiet and very good.  Very very good.

4) If you were President of the United States and could pass any laws you wanted to, what laws would you make - Karen at Right Where We Belong
Cole:  I got two new laws.  Wait, what's a law?
Me:  It's basically a rule that everyone has to follow or they get in trouble.  Like the speed limit...you have to obey the law or you get a ticket.
Cole:  Oh, got it.  My laws would be that everyone had to eat candy at every meal and only go to school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.  And decorate a Christmas tree every day.
Bella:  No eating candy because it's not healthy.  No drinking juice either because it's only a little healthy but not a lot.
Me:  Yeah, but Bella, what would your laws be?
Bella:  I wouldn't make any new ones because I like the earth just the way it is.

5) What are Santa's all time favorite cookies - Ms. Bibi at The Queen of Average
What kind of cookies do you make for Santa - Denise at Together We Save

Cole:  Decorated sugar cookies with sprinkles and frosting, I think.  I usually make him cookies shaped like a stocking.  With his initials on it.  S.C. for Santa Claus.
Bella:  Chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies because he can never decide.  Next time, ask what MY favorite cookies are, okay?

6) What's the most fun about having a twin - Eva at Wrestling with Retirement

Cole:  Well, my twin plays Wii games with me and even games that are funner than the Wii.  We share a room and we're always together.  But I don't like always being with her.  We're in different classes this year which is really cool because it's like I don't have a twin.
Bella:  I don't have anything fun.  Wait, I guess I should come up with something...that would be the nice thing to do.  It's mostly bad but I guess playing Wii and trying not to ignore each other and eating and getting dressed together.

7)  How many times a day do you poop - MiMi at Living in France

Cole:  Um, once a day and I even pee every day too but more than once
Bella:  I thought I said NO questions about poop!! 
Me:  Maybe she was just super curious and couldn't resist asking.
Bella:  Okay, if she really needs to know...I poop a lot every day.  But I still have a hard time wiping my butt because I get those dingleberries...
Me:  Enough...now I know why you didn't want to talk about poop.
Bella:  Yeah, it's kinda gross, huh?
Me:  Yeah, pretty much.

8)  Why don't you like eating vegetables? Is there a secret in getting you to eat them - Kimberly at All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something-Something

Cole:  Actually, I like vegetables because they're healthy and my mom tells me to eat them.  And if you eat junk then you'll get sick.  Vegetables taste really good when you dip them into ranch dressing.
Me:  But what about the law you want to pass about eating candy at every meal?
Cole:  Come on, Mom, that's probably never gonna happen though so everyone should just keep eating their vegetables.
Bella:  I like vegetables...corn with butter, little corns without butter, zucchini, eggplant, sweet potatoes and broccoli.  The secret is to tell the kids that it'll make them smart if they eat lots of vegetables.  Broccoli will make them fart so don't serve it to them before they go to school.


Kimberly also wants to know what's up with Justin Bieber's hair...

Bella:  We don't even know what a Justin Beaver is...
Cole:  What is he?  What kind of hair does he got?
Me:   Justin BIEBER, not Beaver.  He's a famous singer...you know, the dude whose hair brushed forward into his face?
Cole:  oh yeah I know who he is.  He just likes it to cover his right eye.
Bella:  No, it doesn't.  It covers his cheeks.
Cole:  Whatever, you think you know everything
Bella:  Cuz I do.  Next question.

9)  How do I get my kids to do more chores around the house - The Mother at The Mother's Handbook

Bella:  Is her name really The Mother?  She makes her kids call her that?  The Mother?
Me:  No, she doesn't make her kids call her that.  Or maybe she does.  See, her kids are older than you guys and they probably respect her way more than you guys respect me.
Bella:  We respect you.  Sometimes.  But usually not.
Me:  Well, I sure appreciate your honesty.
Bella:  Thank you.  You said to never lie.
Cole:  My answer is to make your kids get better at doing chores, print the chores out with a famous character on it so they'll be happy and then they'll end up thanking you for letting them do chores.  And they'll probably give you a kiss too. 
Bella:  Yelling always works.  Or you can print a chore chart out with decorations...whatever you want to do.

10)  What are you getting your Mama for Christmas - Rebecca at Unexplained X 2

Cole:  Oooooh, I totally got this one.  I'm gonna make her a leaf pocket.  You get a leaf and poke the stem through the middle of the leaf and then it's a pocket.  If you make a tight one, it'll look like a bird.
Bella:  I'm going to get my mom some more jammies and clothes.  She has good style but she just needs a lot more clothes.  And definitely jammies because she wears the same ones all the time.
Cole:  And she'll be pretty if she gets more jammies with her favorite decoration on it.  Probably a star.
Bella:  Wait a minute, is this our cousin Rebecca?  How does she know we have a blog?
Me:  Okay, first of all, it's MY blog not OUR blog.  Secondly, it's not your cousin Rebecca.  This is another Rebecca and she has boy/girl twins too.
Bella:  How come all your friends have twins?
Me:  Not all my friends have twins.  What are you talking about?
Bella:  Never mind.

11)  Where do babies come from - Tina at Big Cute Beach Girl

Bella:  Oh, that's an easy question.  Is it a grown up who asked this?
Me:  Yes
Bella:  Does she have kids?
Me:  Yes
Bella:  And she doesn't know where babies come from?!
Me:  Well, maybe she's curious if YOU know where babies come from...
Bella:   Hmmmm, kinda like a test...I got it.
Cole:  If you get married, moms grow babies in a little bubble in their tummy and then the lady or the man at the hospital will cut the mom's belly open and take the baby out and leave it in a special place for a few weeks. 
Bella:  Um, babies come from a mom's belly and they do something to their belly to take the baby out, how ever many are in there...and then they all go home.
Me:  How ever many are in there?
Bella:  Like you had 2 babies at a time.  But some people have more than that or they can have only 1.  It's really up to them.

12)  What do you want santa claus to bring you - The View from a Saddle

Cole: Oh, this is a good question.  That's what I'm talking about.  I want him to bring me a Mario set with the Olympic games, a robot, a Raving Rabbid game...
Bella:  And a picture of Rudolph?
Cole:  No, this is my turn.  Be quiet.  And a X-Box and my own tv for just me and no one else and a statue of a character from Mario....
Bella:   Okay, that's enough stuff.  It's my turn now.  First I want something special and I really want it.  It's a guitar and I'm 6 years old. 
Cole:  I want a guitar too.
Bella:  You're such a copycat.  I want some more stuff but I can't think of anything right now.  I'll get back to her.

13)  Where does the tooth fairy keep all the teeth she collects - Amy W at Great Cakes Soapworks

Bella:  Awww, Amy.  I love Amy.
Me:  You don't even know her.
Bella:  Well, I like the name Amy.
Cole:  The tooth fairy collects the teeth and makes them into a tower on her desk.  Once she's done with her tower, she just makes another one.  When she's all done, she moves it to the...um, actually she shows it to the other fairies and then the people are so happy because they lost their teeth and helped her. 
Bella:  She comes to our house and takes our teeth.  And then she probably puts them in an envelote and writes our name down...
Me:  Wait...an envelote?  You mean, envelope?
Bella:  No, I mean envelote...this is my story, not yours.  She just keeps them in her room and tries them on in her mouth or maybe just puts them on her dresser.  If she has a bedroom.
Cole:  And if you give her a picture, she'll send a picture back or she'll write you a thank you note and hang it on her fridge or on her desk.  I'm not sure if she has a fridge because fairies don't eat.

14)  Have you ever received a present that you hated - Blueviolet at A Nut in a Nutshell

Cole:  If I saw a present that I hated, I would be mad and disappointed at Santa because he knows what he's supposed to give me.
Me:  Gosh, Cole...ungrateful much?
Cole:  Uh, yeah.
Me:  You know, Santa giveth and he can take awayeth.
Cole:  Huh?   That makes no sense.
Bella:  I love every present I get.  And I'm not just saying that because the elves are watching me right now.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sippy cup confusion...finally resolved!

Picture it...you're at the park with your kids, enjoying the beautiful weather and the fact that you can actually sit down for a few minutes and indulge in some adult conversation with your mommy friends.

Out of nowhere, an unfamiliar snotty-nosed, crusty-eyed child comes up and grabs your child's sippy cup and begins to drink from it...purely by accident, of course, as he too has that very same sippy cup....because you and his mother just happen to share an obsessive-type love with Target. 

Everyone gets their sippy cups from Target, am I right?  So you can see the dilemma...it's nothing other than a case of sippy cup confusion.

I've tried writing my kids' names on their cups but it just wipes off the minute their sweaty little hands grab onto it.  It seemed there was really no solution, except that we should all just shop at different stores.  Yeah, right...

When I was contacted by ViveVita and asked if I'd like to review their Bandettes, I realized I had just found the resolution to the sippy cup confusion. 

Created by a busy mother of 9 children who obviously understands this dilemma, Bandettes were designed with the purpose of ending sippy cup confusion...and not just that, but they also come in handy for kids who have allergies so they can recognize their sippy cup, with no harmful repurcussions.

Bandettes come in kid-friendly bright colors and each one has an adorable animal adorned on it.  The best part is that there is a space on the Bandette where a parent (or a child) can write a name, date, allergies or whatever information necessary in ballpoint pen directly on it.   You can choose to either keep the name on it long term (by simply placing the Bandette in boiling water or the dishwasher with the name already written on it) or you can wipe it off and start fresh the next time.

Even young children who can't read yet can benefit from Bandettes by easily recognizing their cup by color and/or animal. 

Here are some features of the product:
  • Bandette cup labels are dishwasher and microwave safe.  (Just remember, before dishwashing, rub off the information that you do not want to remain long term.)
  • They fit most cups and bottles (even small containers and adult cups!)
  • They are completely reusable and easily moved from one cup to another.
  • They make children’s cups easier to grip.
  • Made of non-toxic material that meets FDA standards for plastics that come in contact with foods.
  • Patent Pending
As soon as we received our package of Bandettes, the kids were immediately excited and they each claimed their own personal Bandette.  Cole and Bella wrote their own names on theirs, while I wrote Garrett and Landon's names on theirs.



The kids have been using them ever since!  I love that I don't have to take the Bandettes off the cups when I put them in the dishwasher....but if the kids want to switch cups, the Bandettes are easy to remove. 

And you know what...since we've been using Bandettes, there has been no sippy cup confusion at the park!!  Problem resolved!

Bandettes are available at Babies R Us or you can click HERE to see other stores in your area who carry the product.

The people at ViveVita have been generous enough to offer one of my readers a set of their very own Bandettes!!!

To enter the giveaway, visit ViveVita's products page HERE and then come back here and leave me a comment about another one of their products that you absolutely love (they even have toothbrush label bands and clever boo-boo covers!).

If your e-mail isn't visible in your profile, please leave it in your comment.

For extra entries: (please leave me a comment for each entry)

1)  Tweet about this giveaway (and leave me the URL in a comment)
2)  Write a blog post about this giveaway (and leave me the URL)
3)  Follow ViveVita on Twitter
4)  Like ViveVita on Facebook

This giveaway ends on Wednesday, December 22, 2010 at 12:00 am, PST.  The winner will be chosen via Random.org and notified by e-mail.

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Monday, December 13, 2010

It's YOUR turn to interview the spawn...oops, I mean, the experts

So it seems that most of you really like the "Ask the Experts" interview series I've done here on my blog.  And as much as you all enjoy reading it, Cole and Bella have a blast answering the questions.  It brings out their....uh, creative side....yeah, their creative side. 

Recently, I sat down with them and asked, "What would the experts like to chat about this time around?"

We threw around ideas such as Christmas ("we did that last year"), playground etiquette ("boring"), sibling rivalry ("lame").....they obviously didn't like any of my ideas, as you can plainly see by their responses. 

Shrugging my shoulders, I said, "Well, then you guys come up with something".

They were quiet for a minute or two and then Bella spoke up. 

"How about if we let your friends ask us questions...about anything!!" she exclaimed.

Cole chimed in, "Yeah...they can ask us anything and we'll answer....cuz we're experts, you know."

"So nothing's off limits, huh?" I inquired.

Bella looked at Cole...he looked back at her. 

"Okay, no questions about poop," Bella announced.  "Or snails...", Cole added.

Alrighty then....so, people, let 'em have it!  Ask away!!  Everything and anything you have ever wanted to know or needed an explanation for....

The Experts are ready to take your questions!!  Just leave it in the comment section and sometime later this week, the experts will be back with answers to satisfy your burning curiosity!

But, please remember, no questions about poop.....or snails (I know...so random, but I'm sure he has his reasons)

If you'd like to read any past interviews, feel free to click the links below....

Interview with the Experts - Random stuff

Interview with the Experts - The Christmas Edition (2009)

Interview with the Experts - The Superhero Edition

Interview with the Experts - The Baby Edition

Interview with the Experts - The Thanksgiving Edition (2010)


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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Pouring my heart out...Cautiously optimistic


"We have every reason to be cautiously optimistic," she had said, as I pressed my cell phone harder against my ear, wishing so much that I had misunderstood her.

While tears filled my eyes, I asked, "So are you saying that there's very little chance that we'll have any viable eggs to work with?"

"Well, no, I didn't say that.  I think we should just be cautiously optimistic," she tried to explain.  I imagined her on the other end of the line, keeping a close eye on her watch, anxiously wanting to get off the phone with yet another desperate, yet hopeful infertility patient.

My chin quivered, my hands shook and it felt as if my heart would burst right out of my chest.  "What EXACTLY does cautiously optimistic MEAN?!" I screeched loudly into the phone.  "Does it mean that you think my eggs are crap?  Does it mean you've seen eggs like mine make beautiful embyros?!  What the HELL does it MEAN?!"

Tim reached over from the driver's seat and touched my arm, silently willing me to end the phone call and just accept the news for what it was. 

We had been driving home after my egg retrieval during our 1st IVF cycle, when my RE called to deliver the news that most of the eggs which had been retrieved were not in good shape.  She had called them "dark and grainy". 

No one had ever used the phrase "cautiously optimistic" with me.  

Was it a good thing?  A bad thing?  I had no clue at all.

Within time, I came to learn that it meant something bad was in store for us...something tragic, heartbreaking and completely gut-wrenching. 

The phrase soon became a personal jinx of some sort.  Everything would be going along just fine and then a doctor or a nurse would randomly throw out, "We should just continue to be cautiously optimistic" and I knew our fate had just been sealed.

As we anxiously waited for the blood results of that first IVF cycle....let's be cautiously optimistic.

As we sadly listened to our RE explain that sometimes 6 weeks is just too early to see a heartbeat...let's be cautiously optimistic.

When we learned that we had lost that baby, the good news was at least now we knew I could get pregnant....let's be cautiously optimistic.

As we switched RE's and were given all kinds of false hope that the 2nd cycle would be successful...let's be cautiously optimistic.

When that same RE looked me straight in the eyes and told me my dreams of having a biological child had already slipped out of my grasp but there were still lots of options available to us...let's be cautiously optimistic.

During our 3rd IVF when we begged and pleaded with him to allow us to transfer 4 embryos because we simply couldn't bear any more heartbreak, we compromised and agreed to transfer only 3...let's be cautiously optimistic.

After we learned I was pregnant with twins, every time I would experience sudden cramping and/or bleeding...let's be cautiously optimistic.

Each time my body went into pre-term labor...let's be cautiously optimistic.

After giving birth at 32 weeks, I watched with both overwhelming joy and anguished sorrow as my first-born miracle babies were whisked off to the NICU...let's be cautiously optimistic.

Soon enough, we stopped hearing that dreaded phrase...as our twins were released from the NICU after 26 days and we entered our home for the very first time as a family of four.  Something we believed would never happen.

After four months had passed, I lost another pregnancy....yet I had no idea that I had been pregnant until I was in the midst of a miscarriage.  Even though there had been no time for dreams and hopeful expectations, I still grieved, blaming my damaged body once again for another devastating loss.

When I went in to my doctor's office for a follow-up, I asked him if he thought I may be able to get pregnant again on my own in the future.  His words stung me as I heard, "I would like to think so.  You have every reason to be cautiously optimistic".

Soon, there came a time when hearing that phrase didn't hurt so badly anymore.  I'd hear someone casually mention those two seemingly innocent words and it wouldn't phase me in the least.  The pain and burden of infertility had finally passed and wasn't as fresh in my mind anymore. 

Until we decided we wanted more children.  I knew exactly what was in store for us as we begin another IVF cycle with our frozen embryos when our RE said, "All I ask is that you be cautiously optimistic". 

Yes, cautiously optimistic....with tragic results yet again.  Another pregnancy loss.  More tears and agony.  And even more anger, bitterness and confusion than ever before.

After the loss, as I broke down in my OB's office, I begged her to explain to me why....WHY did this happen again.  Was I selfish for wanting more children?  What had I done wrong?  Is it because I wasn't cautiously optimistic? WHY?!

She answered, gently, "These things just happen, sometimes we're never meant to understand why.  I know you want more children.  Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.  You'll come to terms with it somehow.  I know you will."

Never once did she mention the distressing phrase I had come to despise hearing.  Every single time I had heard it, throughout my journey of trying to conceive, my stomach would turn and my heart would sink.

As I went about my daily life, I knew I had to accept that more children may not be in our future.  It was difficult and there were still times that I would find myself sobbing out loud, especially as my babies began to outgrow their little onesies and my broken heart reminded me that there may never be another baby to wear those same clothes.

"Let's be cautiously optimistic", I thought I heard God whisper to me one morning while deep in prayer, as I begged for relief from the burden of grief.  I thought I had overcome it but deep down I knew I hadn't.  There would always be a void in my life for what could have been...what should have been.

Three months later, I became pregnant with Garrett and Landon...our 2nd set of twins.  A completely (and surprisingly) spontaneous pregnancy. 

It wasn't supposed to happen.  They had all said we would never conceive a take-home baby on our own without medical intervention, even as they made empty promises and advised us to be cautiously optimistic.
 
But finally, after everything, we had beaten the odds.  Suddenly, it was okay to be hopeful, to feel excited and full of joy, to experience nothing but happiness and pure bliss....to be optimistic, WITHOUT caution. 

* If you want to pour your heart out too, go visit Shell at Things I Can't Say....
 
 
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Monday, December 6, 2010

My kids think I have no clue...and they're probably right.

The other day I took the spawn to the mall to meet up with a friend and her kids.  All was fine and dandy until Bella announced she had to go poop.

You're probably thinking, "So what?  She had to go poop".  What you don't get is that this child has to poop wherever we go.  She has no fear of pooping in public bathrooms, whether it's at the park, school or at a restaurant. 

Honestly, I think she just likes checking out public bathrooms.  Everyone has their fetish, I suppose this is hers.

Anyway, moving on....so as I'm walking her to the bathroom, which is like 10 miles away, of course, we pass Santa Claus hanging out in his temporary new digs inside the food court.

Bella did a double take, as we walked past him.  He waved at her, she waved back.  All was copacetic.

On our way back to the play area, Santa caught her eye again.  He waved, she waved back.  Then she stopped and turned to me.

"Mommy," she said. "Is that the REAL Santa Claus?"

My brain began to sizzle as it tried to come up with something brilliant enough to appease her.

"Uh, yeah," I said.  "Of course, he's the REAL Santa."

She looked at Santa and then back at me.  "Well, how is it that he sent a video to Garrett and Landon yesterday from the North Pole and now he's HERE in the mall?"

Craptastic.  Wonderful.  Why does shit like this happen to me?  And why did she pick NOW to bring this up? 

She might as well have asked me where babies come from, because my mind was a blank slate....so totally not prepared to have this conversation with her just yet.  She's only 6, for God's sake!!  Let her believe in Santa for just a little while longer...please!

But she stood there, staring at me...waiting for an answer, some kind of answer which would help her little mind be at peace with all this.

"Well", I began. "You see, he can fly super fast because he has reindeers who eat their vegetables and so they're really strong and can fly wherever he needs to go.  I mean, how else do you think the dude gets every single kid in the world presents in just a matter of ONE night?  He has powers that you can't even imagine.  Santa can be anywhere he wants to be in a short period of time because that's how he rolls."

I paused and looked down at her, praying she'd accept that lengthy explanation.  Glancing at Santa one more time, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Whatever...."

Whew...crisis averted.

Until later that night (of course)...this is the conversation I heard coming from her and Cole's room:

Bella:  You know how I saw Santa today at the mall?
Cole:  Yeah
Bella:  Well, I was confused because you know he sent Garrett and Landon a video yesterday from the North Pole....so how could he be THERE one day and then HERE the next day?
Cole:  Did you ask Mommy?
Bella:  Yeah.
Cole:  What did she say?
Bella:  I don't know.  She said something about reindeers and vegetables.  It made no sense so I was just like whatever.
Cole:  But maybe the North Pole is really close to where we live.
Bella:  No, I don't think it is.  Because it snows there and it doesn't snow here.
Cole:  Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe we should just get a book at the library next time we're there about how Santa travels so fast.
Bella:  Yeah, we should.  Then we can read it to her because I don't think Mommy really knows where Santa lives.  I don't think she knows a lot of stuff. 
Cole:  That's mean to say.
Bella:  But it's true.
Cole:  Yeah, I know.

Someone needs to come up with a freakin' manual, people, for situations such as this.  If the spawn have already figured out that I'm a total fraud when it comes to explaining shit like this, I might as well stop working so hard at coming up with exuberant explanations with the hopes of keeping them innocent awhile longer.

From now on, I'll just simply say, "Why don't you go ask your father?"


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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Okay, I'll admit it...I'm a Fanilow

One of my newest bloggy buddies, Kimberly from All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something gave me an award....awhile ago. 

And you want to know how much I suck as a bloggy friend?  I can't even remember what the award was...that's how long ago it was. 

But last night as I was going through all the million and one drafts I have (half-written), I stumbled upon this one and realized I never finished it.

Cuz I suck.  Oh wait...we've already established that, right?

Just because I forgot about the award doesn't mean I adore Kimberly any less...in fact, she came up with my latest favorite word "fracken".  I told her I was stealing it from her...now I walk around saying, "Fracken this" and "Fracken that".  

Or wait, maybe her word was "facken"....geez, my memory really does suck.  So I could be walking around saying the word wrong...either way, it's much better than saying the actual F word, right?

Of course, I have to watch anything I say around the spawn...who soak up everything I say, except the stuff I want them to hear, know what I mean?

From my half-written draft, I know I'm supposed to write about 10 things that I like.

Here goes nothing....

1)  Barry Manilow.  Okay, I've said it.  I am a Fanilow. And I don't just like Barry Manilow, I love Barry Manilow.  Sure, he's not easy on the eyes like, say...Ryan Reynolds or Mark Wahlberg...but his smooth, velvety voice makes him pretty damn sexy.  I can't listen to his music without wanting to cry a river.  Oh Mandy....

2)  Peace and quiet.  As if that was a shock, right?

3)  Bangs.  I grew out my bangs years ago and finally decided I hated how my hair looked.  So I went to my stylist a couple weeks ago and after she was done touching-up my highlights, I went in for the kill. 

"Uh, I'm thinking I want bangs again", I stammered.

"Bangs?  Are you sure?" she asked.  She's obviously not a huge fan of bangs.

With each little bit she cut off, she'd look at me in the mirror and say, "Is that good?" and I would shake my head and answer, "Nope, shorter". 

I think she was afraid I'd have buyer's regret and spend the next 3 years asking her why she let me do this to myself.  I'm sure in her head she was trying to figure out a diplomatic way to tell me, "Please, for all things sacred, do NOT tell people I'm your stylist!"

But, you know what, when she was done cutting and styling my hair...I loved it!  Totally and completely LOVED it!! 

I'll have one of the kids take my picture soon so you can love it, too.  And if you don't...have a heart and just lie to me.

4)  Listening to my big spawn trying to explain things to my little spawn.  Take, for instance, the other night after they had all had a bath.  Landon noticed his hands were all wrinkled and pruny from the water so he asked Cole why.  Here was Cole's answer...

"Well, you know sometimes, how there's waves in the water.  Well, they get into your skin and you end up looking like an old person."

And Landon was completely satisfied with that explanation. 

But you know if I had given him that same explanation, it wouldn't have gone over quite as well.  Cuz that's just life.

5)  Old re-runs of Roseanne.  I'm a die-hard fan for life, people.  I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that when the show was originally on the air, I wished so much that Roseanne and Dan Connor were my parents.  They seemed cool....and happy.  I related most to Darlene...she used humor to get through any situation.  That's me, in a nutshell.

6)  Baking.  Who knew?  There's a kind of rush that I get from baking...I can't explain it.  I love being able to create something out of nothing.  And I absolutely love the looks on people's faces when they see a cake I baked and they ask, "You made that?!  Wow!"

7)  Hanging with good friends who totally get me (and they still like me anyway).  The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to surround yourself with friends who are supportive and encouraging...and who won't go running for the hills when you say, "I can totally understand why some parents shake their kids", when your 3-year old is having his 4th tantrum in a matter of 10 minutes.

8)   Cocoa Krispies.  Hey, everyone has their weakness...

9)  When my kids get along.  It doesn't happen often but when it does, it's a serious melt-my-heart moment.

10)  Wellbutrin.  That's right, people.  I bit the bullet and got my grumpy ass back on my all-time favorite drug.  I did pretty well when I went off of it for the first few months but recently I've become unglued over the littlest things...so it was time to face the music and start popping happy pills again. 

However, I'm not sure it's taken full effect as of yet.  How do I know?

The other day, Bella saw me take one and she asked, "Mommy, are those your happy pills?"

I answered, "Yes, I decided to start taking them again."

And she, completely uncensored as always, replied back, "I think you need to take more because I wouldn't consider you happy just yet.  Maybe about 5% happy but that's it."

Go visit Kimberly's blog and tell her I sent you!  Her writing is amazing...and she's fracken hysterical (or is it facken hysterical?)

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tired of the same old boring purse? Then enter to win a Reverse-A-Purse!!

How often have you wished you could have a purse that matched almost every outfit you own?   I tend to always buy black purses because...well, it goes with every outfit I wear.   But carrying a plain black purse ALL THE TIME can be a little boring after awhile.

My other issue with purses is that they are never quite big enough to carry all my necessities.  You see, now that Garrett and Landon don't wear diapers anymore, there's no need for me to lug around a huge diaper bag anymore.  By the same token, I still need to bring extra pants and underwear with me everywhere we go in case they have an accident...which has happened from time to time.

So here I am in between a rock and hard place...but when the people at Reverse-A-Purse contacted me and asked if I'd be interested in receiving their product, I knew I had found my answer!



Reverse-A-Purse is such a fabulous idea...I wish I had thought of it!!  Basically, you can pick any style of purse you like...from small clutches to large totes.  Then you pick out designs based on your own individual preferences! 

Here's how they describe their product:

"Now you can carry a stylish, colorful reversible and interchangeable purse that matches every outfit in your wardrobe. Simply flip the interchangeable/reversible decorative cover to completely change your look. Or, remove the cover for simple elegance.  Reverse-A-Purse® handbags are three purses in one - the ultimate in value and convenience. Additional reversible and interchangeable purse covers add additional options."

How cool is that?!

I chose the large-sized tote with the Lipstick design and I was pleasantly surprised at how roomy it is!  I can easily fit everything I need into the tote and still have a classic look that doesn't scream, "Hello, mother of two sets of twins now arriving!"   I can use it as a diaper bag, if needed, or I can use it when going out with friends (minus the kids!).  I love that it is so versatile!



It really is easy to reverse the patterns.  Literally, it takes me less than 60 seconds.

And by now, after reading this, you all probably want one for yourselves, am I right? 

Right now through December 31, all my readers have been offered a special discount of 20% off any purchase!  Just use the code LPG15 to receive your discount.

Or you can enter to WIN a Reverse-A-Purse, just like mine!!!

The winner will receive a Tote and 1 reversible cover for 3 looks.  The tote is perfect for the traveler, the on-the-go mom, or those who just love a big bag...14" high, 12" wide, adjustable strap length, 3 interior pockets (1 zippered).  Retail value is approximately $60.

To enter the giveaway, simply visit their online collection by clicking HERE and then come back and tell me your favorite purse style or cover.

You can earn additional entries too by doing any of the following:

1)  Tweet about this giveaway (and leave me the link)

2)  Blog about this giveaway (and leave me the link)

3)  "Like" Reverse-A-Purse on Facebook

4)  Follow Reverse-A-Purse on Twitter

Please leave a comment for each entry and if your e-mail address isn't visible in your profile, please leave it in your comment.

This contest will end on Wednesday, December 8.  One winner will be picked through Random.org and will be notified via e-mail.

*  I received a complimentary Reverse-A-Purse (shown above) in order to review the product. No financial compensation was received. This review is based on my honest opinion of the product.

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Monday, November 29, 2010

Me...Blog of the Year?!

Imagine my delight this morning when I went to the Multiples and More blog and saw my little ole blog as one of the nominations for "Blog of the Year"!!!

Let me just tell you how happy this made me, in light of everything that just recently happened to us!!

In brief, I came downstairs Friday morning and noticed that with every step on our beautiful wood flooring, water was squishing out of the seams.  Turns out we had a leaky pipe in our bathroom wall...for days, unbeknownst to us. 

Need I remind you that Tim and my stepdad spent 5 days laying this wood flooring...and then remember when Tim and I put down the tile in the bathroom and the foyer area??  We were so proud of all our hard work.

Well, it's all gone...completely ruined by the leak.  Our insurance company sent contractors over to remove all our flooring and now we have nothing but cold cement floors, covered with huge blowing machines which dry the cement (and create so much noise that my kids yelling actually sounds more like whispers!)





If I want to focus on the silver lining here, we can choose to upgrade our floors...maybe go with dark wood this time?  We're not sure just yet. 

What I was most bummed about was that we had just put up our gorgeous Christmas tree and decorated it....Bella and I had just put together our lovely Christmas Village and we were so excited about how beautiful and festive our living room looked. 

The contractors advised me to put away the Christmas Village, which I did, but I refused to take the Christmas tree down.  We weren't able to put out any other decorations and I wanted our kids to at least be able to enjoy the tree...make it feel more like the holiday season.

So anyway....seeing that my blog had been nominated for Blog of the Year totally made my day, needless to say!!

I would love it if you'd take a minute and go over there and vote for me!!   Click here to go vote!  Thanks!!!!


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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Interview with the Experts: The Thanksgiving Edition

It's been awhile since I've done an "Interview with the Experts". Cole and Bella have been quite busy these last few months....you know, 1st grade isn't exactly a piece of cake like kindergarten was.

However, they were generous enough to sit down with me for a few minutes the other evening and do an interview, provided they be allowed to decide on the topic.

So here is the newest Interview with the Experts: The Thanksgiving Edition...courtesy of Cole and Bella.



1) Where did the idea of Thanksgiving come from?

Cole: The pilgrims caught a turkey and roasted it.

Bella: First, the two groups lived on land. And the first two groups were the Pilgrims and the Indians.

2) What did the Pilgrims look like?

Cole: They looked like Indians. I think.

Bella: They look like persons. They didn’t give food to the Indians. And they weren’t respectful. And it's not "Pilgrims", it's "Pilgrahams".

3) What did the Indians look like?

Cole: I don’t know but I do know they liked feathers.

Bella: They had a vest and they had tan skin.

4) What did the Pilgrims do when they saw the Indians?

Cole: They hided their stuff so it wouldn’t get stolen. All the dinosaurs were there before the people.

Bella: Hided the food so the Indians wouldn’t get it and people came out, a lot of people who weren’t alive.

5) Where did the Pilgrims and Indians live?

Cole: In a little city near Star Wars.

Bella: They lived in a trailer in the city somewhere.
 
6) Why do we eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

Cole: Because it has chicken in it and it’s good.

Bella: Because it’s healthy for you. And it is has a wishbone in the neck that you can break in half for good luck. It doesn't count though if you get the short part because that means someone cheated. COLE!

Cole:  I don't cheat.  It's not my fault you don't have any luck.

7) Why do families get together on Thanksgiving?

Cole: Because it’s beautiful and you take out a lot of food and forks and spoons and plates, and mashed potatoes.

Bella: Because they want to eat stuffing and chicken. And you get to have peace and quiet when you get together because everyone’s respectful.

8) What should kids be thankful for on Thanksgiving?

Cole: For their aunties and uncles, and moms and their teachers and their dads and grandpa and nannies.

Bella: They should be thankful for their turkey, say thank you to their mom and dad. Mostly to your mom again because your mom invited some people over for Thanksgiving and made a nice dinner.

Cole:  Yeah, our dad can't cook.  He can make macaroni and cheese from a box but that's it.

Bella:  We would starve if our mom didn't cook dinner on Thanksgiving.  And then it wouldn't be a fun holiday.

9) What are YOU most thankful for?

Cole: My mom and dad and for dessert. Oh and my brothers. And Domo and Mario.

Bella: The Thankful tree, my cake that my mom made and my turkey and my stuffing, my family and the city.

10) Describe what a traditional Thanksgiving table looks like.

Cole: Well, first of all, it has to be brown, like our dining room table. It’s decorated with plates, forks, spoons and beer and juice and chocolate milk. There has to be decorations, too.  Like stuff your kids make at school.  Don't throw that stuff away because we worked hard on it.

Bella: You have to have placemats so everyone knows where to sit but cats aren’t allowed because they aren’t decorations.

Cole:  Huh?  Cats can't come to the table.

Bella:  I know.  I just said that!  HELLO!

11) What should people do the day after Thanksgiving?

Cole: Put their Christmas tree up and decorate it and try not to break any of the ornaments. And make decorations.  We usually watch our dad take all the decorations out of the garage.  It's a big mess in there so it usually takes him awhile.

Bella: They should shop for Christmas presents for their kids because it’s almost Christmas.  Santa usually gets the presents but he lets parents buy presents too because we deserve it.  God is always watching you and so are the elves.

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

There are far worse traits my kids could've inherited....

If there's anything I dislike, it's when my kids can't make even the simplest of decisions.

I mean, seriously...is choosing between a PB&J sandwich or a hotdog for lunch really a life and death decision.  I think not. 

Yet, they sit there and hem and haw between the 2 choices and then it never fails....they ask for something that I never even mentioned!

"We want a tortilla with cheese!", they'll demand.  Or chicken nuggets...or ham and cheese. 

As if that was one of the options?!  As if I'm a short-order cook?  Uh, no.

Then I sit there and complain to Tim, "Where on earth do they get this indecisiveness from?!  I can't stand it...waiting for them to make a final decision on something is downright painful for me.  As if world peace depends on this ONE freakin decision?!"

His response?  Nothing, because....well, what can he say?  He's learned when I'm complaining that he should just keep his mouth shut.  His chances for survival depend on it...that, and having sex again.

So picture it...Bella and I went out for dinner the other night.  Just us girls...out for sushi.  Yes, my daughter has expensive taste...that's the one thing she never has any problem deciding on.  The choice between McDonald's or sushi is easy for her. 

After dinner, we went across the street to Trader Joe's to buy our Thanksgiving turkey.    Last year, I got a 15-lb turkey and I was super disappointed that we barely had any leftovers.   So I was gonna make sure to get a bigger one this year.

We spotted the turkeys in the refrigerated section and almost right away I found two that I could work with...one was 17.5 pounds and the other was 18.75 pounds. 

"Hmmmm," I asked outloud.  "Which one should I get?"

Bella examined them both and pointed to the 18-lb turkey.  "Get that one."

"Really?  You don't think it's too big?  I don't know", I said.

She bent down closer to the turkeys.  "Mommy, they're both close in size...just get this one," she responded, pointing to the 18-lb turkey.

Sighing, I said, "Okay, let's get the bigger one".  I placed the turkey in our cart and we continued shopping.

A few minutes later, I eyed the huge turkey and said, "Bella, I think we should just get the 17-lb turkey.  I don't know, I think this one may be too big".

She nodded her head in agreement and we turned around and went back to the refrigerated section to swap turkeys.

I grabbed the 17-lb turkey and put it in our cart.  "There", I said.  "I think that'll be the perfect size.  Don't you?"

Bella smiled and said, "Yeah.  It's perfect".

We were almost to the check-out counter when I began to have second thoughts. 

"Okay, I think maybe the 18-lb turkey would be better.  This one looks kinda wimpy compared to the bigger one", I announced to my daughter, who was obviously tired and wishing we could go home. 

"Let's just go grab the 18-lb turkey again and we'll get out of here, I promise," I pleaded with her.

We got over to the turkey section and I stood there for a few seconds, visually comparing the two turkeys.   I hadn't realized how long we had been standing there until Bella yawned. 

"I just can't decide between the two," I explained.

Right then, one of the TJ's staff came over to me and asked, "Can I help you find something?"

With the hopes of returning home quickly, Bella answered, "My mom can't decide between the 17-lb turkey and the 18-lb turkey."

The guy looked at me and said, "Well, there's only a 1-lb difference between them.  I think you'll be fine with either one, honestly".

"Actually," I said.  "There's a 1.25 lb difference between them.  That's like one and a half portions right there!"

He looked perplexed and I saw him shoot Bella a look of sympathy.  He didn't think I noticed but I did.  What kind of crappy customer service is that, people?

"Uh, how many people are you having over for dinner?" he asked.  Seems like a normal question to ask when considering how big of a turkey to buy, right?

I squinted my eyes at him and answered, "Okay, well, technically, there will be 11 of us.  BUT, 4 of those are little kids...so they really only count as 2 people.  You know, cuz they won't eat a lot.  Then there's my mom and stepdad who have both had gastric bypass surgery so they can't eat much so they really only count as ONE person.  But sometimes my mom has difficulty stopping when she's full so she may eat more than her portion.  I don't know.  It's a toss up, really."

I paused long enough to take a breath and continued.

"Okay, and then I have my mother-in-law who doesn't really eat.  She drinks beer and smokes cigarettes, that's her thing.  But she may want to take some turkey home to eat later...and then sometimes my father-in-law will want to take some home for leftovers.  So, you see my dilemna...."

The guy interrupted and said, "Just get the 18-lb turkey.  You can never have too much turkey left over, right?"

"Hmmmm, " I replied, mulling this over.  But he had already scurried away...probably to go in the break room and bang his head against a wall.

I traded the 17-lb turkey for the 18-lb one.  He was right.  No such thing as too much turkey left over.

While we waited in the check-out line, I must have had a look of confusion on my face because Bella inquired, "Mommy, do you want to go back and get the other turkey?"

"Yeah, you know what...I do.  I just don't feel good about the 18-lb turkey...like it's giving me bad vibes or something.  I think the 17-lb turkey would be a better choice."

We walked back to the turkeys and, once again, traded them out.   I might have been paranoid but I noticed that most of the TJ staff was avoiding eye contact with me. 

Heck, the guy who rang up our order didn't even bother to ask if I found everything okay or whatever they're supposed to ask so they appear to be interested in you.  I'm sure they just wanted me the hell out of their store.  Whatever.

Clearly, they lack the understanding of how important turkey size is.  Unlike me, however, who truly gets this essential part of the Thanksgiving meal.

Bella and I strolled our lovely 17-lb gobbler out to the car and drove home.  I showed Tim the turkey and explained how difficult it was for me to decide on which turkey to get.

He made the mistake of saying, "Sweetie, it's only a 1 pound difference..."

"Oh no, don't even go there with me right now....", I whined.

Under his breath, I could've sworn I heard him mutter, "And you wonder why the kids are so indecisive...."

Yeah, okay.  I'll give him that.  Maybe they do get it from me. 

But, when you think about it, that's not necessarily a bad trait to have, right? 

I mean, when you consider some of the traits they could've inherited from him...annoyingly clearing their throats every 20 seconds, chewing with their mouths open, suffering from chronic forgetfulness...

...it could be so much worse.



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Monday, November 15, 2010

I'm someone's favorite lady this week!!

 
Guess who the Favorite Lady of the Week is over at The Purse Blogger?!

Me!!  That's who!  
 
So run over there and check me out!! 
 
And while you're over there, click on that follow button!
 
You'll love The Purse Blogger as much as I do!



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Sunday, November 7, 2010

What NOT to do when you're invited to be on a talk show...

I know I've been lacking in presence within the blogosphere but starting Macaroni Kid in our area has taken up way more time than I expected. 

However, aside from it being very time consuming, it's been a lot of fun!  My two MK partners, Ann and Wendy, and I have basically hit the ground running!   We are all go-getters on a mission and so far it has paid off! 

For instance, last Wednesday, Wendy sent an e-mail to one of the local news stations which hosts a morning talk show.  We thought, if anything, they may get back to us in a few weeks...if they were even interested in us coming on the show.

That very afternoon, I got a text from Wendy..."OMG, they want us on the show on FRIDAY!"  

"Uh, this Friday!?" I yelled into the phone when she called me.

"Uh, yeah, this Friday!" she screamed back at me.

Holy crap, this was happening so much faster than we expected. 

We were totally not prepared...I mean, none of us had a chance to have our hair touched up, our nails were far from nicely manicured...for God's sake, I didn't even have a chance to whiten my freakin' teeth!

Nonetheless, we all agreed that we could do this.  Well, Wendy never hesitated about that fact...it was me and Ann who were totally freaking out about going on the air live.  Yes, people...it's a live show. 

In other words, if I happened to let a curse word fly out of my mouth, it would be in front of thousands of viewers.  And then what parent is going to want to sign up for Macaroni Kid when one of the mothers who publishes it curses like a damn sailor?  See what I mean?  Nerve-wracking.

Plus, I may seem like a total bad-ass here on my blog but that's because I'm hiding behind my computer screen.  There's a reason I don't attend those big blogger conferences....I get tongue-tied and nervous and, before I know it, I'm sticking my foot in my mouth and offending someone. 

However, let me assure you that I am not a 60-year old bald man covered in unattractive age spots posing as a middle-aged mother of two sets of twins.  No one would make up shit like that.  Seriously.

Moving on....the producer of the show let one of us off the hook, though, by saying that only two people could go on the show.  Something about their sofa being small and how it would look uneven because they only have two show hosts...whatever. 

Ann and I decided that we would both be camera ready and just figure out at the last minute which one of us would go on with Wendy.

So Friday arrived and, as we drove up to Sacramento, we chatted about what a great opportunity this was...yadda, yadda, yadda.  I felt like puking the whole time.  The thought of going on live air and completely losing composure (and possibly bladder functioning) scared the living crap out of me.

I secretly hoped that Ann would let me off the hook....but she didn't.  I'm pretty sure she was secretly hoping I would do the same for her.  

We arrived at the studio much earlier than expected and asked the receptionist if we could use the restroom.  As we walked in, the weather girl, Monica Woods, was walking out.

I was totally star struck.  "OMG, did you see who that was??!!  Monica Woods!!  She peed in this very bathroom!!"

And then Ann and I were reduced to the maturity of a couple of 14-year old girls who were just invited to the school dance by their secret crushes. 

As Wendy entered the same stall that Monica Woods had probably used, Ann and I could not stop gushing, "Monica Woods sat on that SAME toilet.  OMG, Wendy, you're peeing where she peed!!" 

Of course, I had to snap a picture of the bathroom stall....you know, for sentimental reasons.


From there, it all just went downhill...for me, anyway. 

Besides acting like an insane weathergirl groupie, here are some other things I've learned that you shouldn't do when invited on a talk show...

1)  Don't act like a blithering idiot when the newsman walks into the studio, even if he is way hotter in person than he is on television.  And he's only waving hello to you because it's the polite thing to do...not because he noticed you across the crowded room and is seriously considering leaving his wife so he can whisk you away on a romantic excursion to a deserted island.

2)  Don't place your purse by your feet the minute you sit down.  It may seem like a sensible place to put it but you'll soon realize it's pretty much not when you trip over it as you go to shake hands with the producer of the show.

3)  When the producer offers you a glass of water, politely decline.  Just because you were asked to come on the talk show does not make you Oprah.  The producer is not your assistant...if you want water, drink out of the water fountain like the other scared guests do.

4)  If you are rude enough to accept the offer of a glass of water, at least make sure it all ends up in your mouth...not all over your clothes, as you sit 5 feet away from the hot news reporter.

5)  Don't drink so much water that you're pretty sure your bladder is going to explode all over the studio...and you'll end up being the next breaking news story.  That's no way to make the hot news reporter fall in love with you.

6)  Don't ignore any instructions given to you, especially as you're about to step foot in front of the camera when the producer is about to put the hot news reporter on air for a breaking story.  You would hate for that to be your one defining moment..."Yeah, remember when Dan Elliot was doing that breaking story and some idiot walked in front of the camera....that was ME!"

7)  Don't ignore the other show guests...there could be a celebrity among you and you'd never know it.  Like, say....Deana Martin, Dean Martin's daughter!  She stood nearby us the entire time before she went on the air and then when they announced who she was, we were all dumbfounded.  We did manage to get a picture with her after her segment...and she asked us to e-mail it to her.  Because we're important now. 

8)  Don't be fooled into thinking the celebrity will have the foggiest idea who the hell you are if you e-mail her the picture with a personal note..."Dear Deana, so nice to meet you!  Let's keep in touch!", as if you're old friends from elementary school or something.

9)  Don't go out to the front room and drool all over the delicious array of donuts and muffins spread out in front of you.  You'll feel pretty damn stupid when the executive producer practically smacks a cinammon roll out of your greedy hands and says, "Uh, those are for a meeting we're having in a little while."

10)  And, lastly, don't gloat about the fact that you and your camera-shy partner decided to flip a coin to see who would end up going on the air.  Because when she loses and has to do the interview, don't even think for a second that she'll forget it's your ass doing the next interview.

Here are some pictures....

This one below demonstrates how close I was sitting to the hot news reporter dude...you can see part of his chair there on the right.  I could've pinched his ass, I was so close to him.  Trust me, I thought about doing it, too.


Here's Monica Woods (in the pink) chatting with the other weather girl (in the yellow).  I have no idea who the other weather girl is.  Nice, huh?  I'm a loyal and dedicated weathergirl groupie, if nothing else.


Here we are with our new best friend, Deana Martin.  And just for the record, Ann, Wendy and I are not fat.  Deana is just abnormally super skinny. 


Here are Ann and Wendy sitting on the sofa, chatting like old pros with Melissa and Scott, the show's hosts, before going on the air live.


Here we are posing with the hosts of the show.  I totally look like I don't belong in the picture....because I was the loser who didn't want to be in the interview.


Here's the three of us after the show, all relaxed at a restaurant where we inhaled a delicious breakfast...while Ann and Wendy's cell phones blew up constantly with texts and phone calls from family and friends raving about their interview while my phone just had one text from my extremely loving, supportive husband calling me a complete wimp. 



Edited to add the video of the segment!  Click HERE to watch it!


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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

There are some unique privileges to being a parent...

As a parent, I'm entitled to basic privileges...or rights, if you will. 

You know, like, disciplining my kids how I see fit, determining a reasonable bedtime...that kind of stuff. 

However, besides those standard rights, there are certain unique privileges as well.

Oh, wait...you didn't realize that?  Well, my friends, allow me to enlighten you.

1)  When I let two of my spawn convince me to buy them each a $15 thermos for their lunch boxes, I reserve the right to bitch and moan about it endlessly each time they misplace it somewhere.

I reserve the right to remind them constantly that the thermos cost $15 and they better locate it ASAP before I have a complete meltdown.

And I reserve the right to laugh hysterically when I overhear one of them say to the other, "You better find your $15 thermos before Mommy finds out you lost it!"

2)  I reserve the right to eat as much of their damn Halloween candy as I want.  From what I recall, I bought their costumes, dressed them up and walked right along with them as they collected their candy from the neighbors. 

As they scowl at me, I reserve the right to boast to them, "You guys know the deal around here.  What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine"....while I happily gobble down yet another one of their snickers bars.

3)  I reserve the right to kick their asses if I ever see them pulling stunts like these two dimwits on the levy behind our backyard.

Dimwit 1:  "Hey, dude...watch me surf down the levy.  This is gonna be so cool"

Dimwit 2:  "Yeah, dude, way cool"

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Dimwit 2:  "Dude, wait....you should stand up on the surfboard instead.  More
dangerous that way.  Chicks love that shit" 

Uh, excuse me...people, do you see any chicks observing these dimwits surfing down the levy?  Yeah, me neither. 

What did I tell you?  Total dimwits.

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Dimwit 1:  Uh, okay, dude.  I'll try it but if I bust my junk, there'll be hell to pay.

Dimwit 2:  (laughing hysterically)

As if Dimwit 2 will still be friends with Dimwit 1 ten years from now when Dimwit 1 finds out he's infertile due to a severe blow to his nuts from pulling this brilliant stunt?

The only one who will be paying for it is Dimwit 1's mother whose dreams of becoming a grandmother will have just faded to black.

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All goes well for Dimwit 1 so of course Dimwit 2 has to try it. 

Dimwit 1:  That was so awesome, dude.  You gotta try it.

Dimwit 2:  Hell, yeah, dude.  Gimme the board.  I'm gonna rock this.

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Dimwit 2 rocks it alright....on his face, that is. 

I totally wish I could've gotten a picture of him falling off the board and down the levy but he was crouched behind my fence....trying hard not to cry, while Dimwit 1 stood at the top of the levy laughing and asking, "Dude, are you alright?  Want me to call your mommy?"

Everyone needs a friend like Dimwit 1, don't you agree?

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Dimwit 1 decides that surfing down the levy is for wusses.  He's gonna go for broke and sit backwards on a chair with wheels.

Dimwit 1:  Dude, watch this!
Dimwit 2:  Man, you're playing with fire, dude.

Last time I checked, taunting a hungry pit bull by eating a hamburger in front of him was considered playing with fire....not rolling down a levy backwards on a chair. 

I'm just sayin.

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Dimwit 1:  Whoa...dude....how do I slow down?

Dimwit 2:  You're gonna crack your friggin head open, dude.  Just hop off the chair.

Huh?  WTF?  Hop off the chair?  Quick...someone call the producers of Jack Ass and tell them I've discovered two new stars for their next movie. 

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Dimwit 1 survived with no obvious skull fractures.  After he picked the chair up and walked back up the levy, he and Dimwit 2 took off. 

But not before saying, "Dude, I thought I was gonna die, man". 

Whatever. 

He should have to spend an entire day (a rainy one, at that) with my spawn after they've eating handfuls of Halloween candy.  That whole rolling-backwards-on-a-chair-down-a-levy stunt would suddenly seem like a cakewalk, in comparison.  

In closing, no one ever tells you how difficult parenting is and they most certainly "forget" to tell you about all the rights you have as a parent.  It's up to you to discover them on your own.

So people....go forth and exercise your rights as a parent. 

Believe it or not, your children will thank you for it.  Perhaps not today or tomorrow, though.

More than likely, it'll be when they have children of their own, who drive them to the brink of insanity after losing a $15 thermos, scowl at them for scarfing down their hard-earned Halloween candy or attempt a stupid-ass stunt that could result in "busting their junk".

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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