Monday, January 4, 2010

Does giving birth hurt...and other strange google searches

With the beginning of the new year, I thought it would be nice to start it off with poking some humor at the google searches that have brought people to my blog.
1) can God make my uterus appear? - I've heard of people asking God for some crazy stuff but this, by far, has to be the strangest request I've ever heard. I'd be interested to know if He's able to help you out because I sure would like for my fat ass to DISappear.

2) i'm living with this hudge problem since i was borm - Uh, let me take a wild guess as to what problem you're referring to.....spelling, perhaps?

3) does giving birth hurt - Seriously? You just know a guy googled this after he watched his wife give birth and then accused her of being overly dramatic. I'll bet his next google search was "Will I be able to father more children after being violently kicked in the balls?"

4) A mother turns a merry-go-round while her child rides on it. After the mother stops spinning the mer - And then what? You can't end the google search there. I need to know how this ends. Here, I'll finish it for you...After the mother stops spinning the merry-go-round, her child hops off the ride, grabs her by the hand and says, "You're the best mommy ever. Thank you for bringing me to the park. Let's go home now so you can watch your favorite tv show while I clean my room and make my bed. After I'm done, it would give me nothing but pure happiness if you would let me rub your sore feet".

5) why god made mothers - Well, that's an obvious one....He needed someone to keep things running smoothly in the family, as well as someone who could ensure that the children never leave the house going commando or with dried snot streaks on the side of their faces. Can I get an Amen?

6) Why does my cat stare at me when I'm on my period - Probably because he's waiting for your head to spin around 10 times and then explode. Either that, or he's getting ready to take you down the minute you reach for that bag of chocolate...he's thinking, "Oh yeah, it's that time of the month again and I's about to get me some chocolate, even it does cost me my 8th life".

7) A family with two sets of twins - Yeah, that would be me...what would you like to know? Perhaps the most effective type of birth control? How to go broke in a period of one year? What are the reasons why some mothers drink before 10:00 am? Or all of the above?

8) did you know when you kiss someone their germs stay inside your mouth for 7 weeks - I did NOT know that but thank you for clearing that up for me. Did you know that when you have unprotected sex with someone, their baby stays inside your uterus for 9 months? Oh, and you'll have stretch marks and saggy boobs for the rest of your life (no need to thank me for this additional pearl of wisdom...I kinda owed you one).

9) how to "TRULY" enjoy your child's birthday party - it's spelled V-O-D-K-A. You're welcome.

10) "wife to husband translator" - this poor person landed on this post. I'm curious if it helped at all....or maybe it just made things worse?

11) I'm going to drop kick your boob if you don't give me back my pineapple Dude smoking crack, say what? First of all, this makes no sense. Secondly, does someone stealing your pineapple honestly condone an act of violence? Why can't you just go to the store and buy yourself another pineapple? Geez, get over it.

12) can you take Wellbutrin when you have kids - Well, duh...kids ARE the reason you need to take Wellbutrin in the first place.

13) my husband has passworded his pc, what does this mean - Come on now, are you really that naive that you have to google this? Perhaps you are, so I'll just be straight-forward with you...Tiger Woods. Are you getting the picture now?

14) has anyone ever wanted twins and gotten them - Yes and yes...and then some

15) I'm heaven sent, that makes me hell proof - Unless you heard that from God himself, I wouldn't go around bragging about that. God giveth and He can take awayeth.

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62 comments:

blueviolet said...

I can't believe some of those! Your spins on them were completely hilarious! I love where you went with the kissing germs!

BigSis said...

HYSTERICAL. And, I definitely needed to start my day with a laugh. Thank you!

Shell said...

Thanks for the laugh!

FRANNIE said...

AMEN!

Buckeroomama said...

Those were SO hilarious!! You could totally be the type of stand-up comic act that I would love to watch! :)

Jayme said...

#2- I am guessing his problem is he was born with super fat fingers that prevent him from typing correctly.

Jenna said...

Those were hilarious but even better were your response to them. Love the Tiger Woods, ha ha ha!!

Morgan said...

These are hilarious! Your google posts always have me wondering how exactly someone finds your blog from those words. Very funny answers!

Sadia said...

You just made my first day back to work after winter vacation so much more fun. It's amazing what some people will put in a search engine!

Brooke said...

you're hilarious. :) thanks for my morning laugh

The Mother said...

There are a few guys there I'm glad I'm not married to...

I guess I shouldn't give mine such a hard time when he asks me a stupid question, huh?

Amy said...

This was just too funny...

Happy Monday..

Kristina P. said...

I love the uterus one. I will have to pray harder, I guess.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I don't get any good searches!

Kaleena said...

Too funny! How do you find out what people search to find your blog?

Jen said...

the stuff people search for kills me! every time its good for a laugh.

6p00e54ed49fcb8833 said...

This was hilarious. I get lots of searches for Oompa Loompas and weird shoes.

cindi said...

You are so hilarious! I love reading your posts.

Mrsbear said...

Someone puts their filthy mitts on my pineapple, I'm gonna get violent. Every. Single. Time.

Those are some wacky searches. The cat one especially had me giggling. What was that cat expecting? lol.

The Plateniks said...

wait...letting him go commando is not OK? Sometimes the undies just impede the process of getting out of the house faster.

T. Anne said...

Seven weeks? I guess my husband and I never really leave each other.

Cristina said...

Ok, so now we officially have to date. Where are you taking me? I am cheap! Let the hubs know.

This was freakin' hilarious.

WTF is wrong with people?!?!?!

xx

Cristina

Menopausal New Mom said...

Too funny! Makes you wonder what the Hell is going on in some homes doesn't it Lol!

HST said...

This is one of your funniest postings yet!! They claim you can add up to 8 years to your life laughing. Thank you for ensuring that I get my daily dose!!

shortmama said...

Im scared to know we live in a world with these people!!

Love To Shop Mom said...

Too funny!
About #12can you take Wellbutrin when you have kids

I blame Wellbutrin for getting pregnant in the first place, they should have a warning on that stuff

Neo said...

OMG, seriously laughing my ass off! this was hilarious! lol @ EVERYTHING!!!

Samantha said...

Those were hilarious! You're spin was hilarious too :)

Creative Junkie said...

omg, #8 made me laugh out loud!

Eva Gallant said...

That was such a fun read! Thanks for making my day!

Twin-Spiration said...

That was hilarious...especially #7. I only have one set of twins but can totally relate to you! Also, i was one of the ones that wanted twins and got them.
Thanks for the laugh!
www.twin-spiration.com

Carly said...

Love #9 So True!

Ginny Marie said...

Youngest wanted to go outside today without her coat (it's 20 degrees today) AND her nose is running like a faucet. Amen to #5!

Nezzy said...

I can always count on a great laugh when I pop over here. It just make ya wonder how the heck some people survive doesn't it??? Does giving birth hurt....get real. Heeeheehe!

Have a great day!

Karen said...

Gosh, and all this time I thought the only people that got twins were the ones that DIDN'T want them.

Amy W said...

I always love these posts! People can be so weird. :)

kys said...

It is possible that these are the best Google searches EVAH.

Mariboo said...

These were hilar! OMG, you are so going to kick me in the book for eating some of your kids' goldfish.

Laura said...

I love to do this! Of course, with all your great stories and posts, I think you have more "crazies" scoping out your blog. Ha! No offense, of course!

Corrie Howe said...

Oh, Helene, you are too funny. I think my favorite was about the germs in your mouth and your response.

The funniest search I've had was "my idiot parents at a parent teacher conference."

I don't want to know.

Veronica Lee said...

LOL, I knew you wouldn't disappoint when I visited your blog!!

Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma said...

Okay, that whole post - just made my day. I was laughing so hard! Vodka, yup, vodka.

lorimcktia.blogspot.com "Cottage By The Sea" said...

Laughter IS the best medicine. I'm all better now!

Alicia said...

LOLOLOL..@ #13!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I love these! Hilarious.

Merri Ann said...

I think the funniest part is that those weird searches pointed directly to YOUR blog. ha ha ha ... I think I'm going to google a bunch of weird stuff to see how long it takes me to get back here ....

You are heee larious.

A Mom With A View said...

Wow if these are the searches that brings visitors to your blog...I think you dont need anymore visitors...These are tooo weird but funny...I love the cat one...WTF...but now that it was brought to my attention..Ill have to take notice of my cat next time "flo" visits..Im really interested if its true..and if so..again I ask you..Why..? Have a great Day...!!

♥Georgie♥ said...

LOL...while they are all great # 9 is my favorite! well your response and Amen!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

How funny! These are great!!! Made my morning!

Flory said...

There are all funny! Love your spin on the kissing germs search. :)

Tesa said...

Those are hilarious! I can't believe those search terms brought people to your blog. I'm still laughing about the pineapple one - so weird!

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

Those are freaking hilarious!!! And very, very strange!

MamaOtwins+1 said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE these. The last one may be my fave!

Erin said...

These are the best, esp. the one about the cat staring at you when you have your period. LOL! How do I do this for my blog? So funny!

Mandi said...

Oh gosh... my stomach hurts from laughing. The pineapple one? PRICELESS

The Lane Family said...

Just when I think I cannot be shocked or amazed by what people come up with you do one of these posts...so darn funny.

I loved the last one and your answer to it was priceless. The germ one was also so funny and I think a few people..okay a lot forget that part!!!

yonca said...

What a fun read! Lol, I'm going to read it again :)

Together We Save said...

Thanks for the laugh!!

Mighty M said...

Haha - those are hilarious!!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Amen on #12!

Zeemaid said...

#4.. more likely they'd get off and puke on your feet. *L*

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I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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