Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Don't worry about me...I'll be just fine!

A couple weeks ago, the kids and I made mobiles. Oh, wait...let me correct that. I made the mobile while they watched, which is what typically happens.

After finishing Bella's mobile, she wanted to hang it up in her room, thumb-tacked right above her bed, on the top bunk. She and Cole climbed up on her bed and they encouraged me to follow.

I said, "I don't think I want to get on the bed. With both of you already up there and then my added weight, the bed will probably break."

Bella responded, "No, it'll be fine...come on". Again, I said it wasn't a good idea. She continued, "Well, then just stand on the ladder".

Now, let me explain that at the time we put the bunkbed together, Tim couldn't find the metal hooks for the ladder so he attached it to the bed with plastic zip-ties. This was only supposed to be a temporary fix...yes, people, the key word here is TEMPORARY...which, in case you haven't figured it out already, is man code for "don't hold your breath waiting for me to fix it".

I eyed the ladder and thought that climbing up just two of the rungs wouldn't be so bad, plus I'd only be up there for less than a minute. So I grabbed the mobile and tack in one hand and climbed up the ladder.

Everything was fine as I reached up to press the tack into the ceiling. However, as I pushed upward on the tack while my feet pushed downward on the ladder, it gave way. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my weight had nothing to do with it. Really...it didn't. Just go ahead and erase that thought from your mind right now. I'll wait.

Okay, so Boom....the ladder fell to the ground with me on it. I bumped both of my shins against the ladder as I fell and holy crap, it hurt. It hurt worst than childbirth. Well, maybe not worse than childbirth. But definitely worse than having my wisdom teeth pulled.

As I laid on the ground grabbing my legs, the kids just stared down at me from the top bunk. I yelped, "Oh man, that's gonna leave a mark...that hurt SO bad!"

They both started whining, "How are we gonna get down from here?" I looked up at them and said, "Are you kidding me?? I'm laying here on the ground writhing in pain and you both are more worried about how you're gonna get down from there??!!"

Without any sign of shame, they both nodded their heads. Then Bella said, "Well, we're also worried about who's gonna cook us dinner if you can't get up". I shook my head in disbelief. "You both are unbelievable....where's the love, where's the concern?" I spat out. I continued, "When you all get hurt, I'm right there with hugs and kisses, putting ice and bandaids on your owies!"

Cole asked, "Oh, did you want ice?" No, don't worry about me....I'll be just fine.

They both managed to climb down on their own without killing themselves and walked out of the room, right past me. They went downstairs and Cole called back up to me, "Mommy, come down and play the Wii with me".

I sat there on the floor, grasping my banged-up shins, not sure if I should be laughing or crying. I could hear Cole say to Bella, "Do you wanna play the Wii with me until Mommy comes downstairs?" and she answered, "No, I'm just gonna color until Daddy gets home." I could hear Garrett and Landon moving the kitchen chairs around, probably trying to stand on each other's shoulders to reach the cereal boxes above the fridge.

So much for their concern...what if I had lost consciousness or had sustained such traumatic internal injuries that I laid there on the floor, bleeding out as I weakly called out for their help? Sure, I had only fallen maybe 2 feet to the ground but it's possible...for a drama queen, it IS possible.

I ended up laughing as I envisioned what the headline would read in the paper the next day..."Mother falls to her death from a bunkbed ladder" and the article would read:

A 40-year old stay-at-home mother died from injuries she sustained when she fell 2 feet to the ground from a bunkbed ladder, as she lovingly attempted to hang a mobile for her daughter. Her children seemed unconcerned when they left their mother laying on the floor, writhing in pain.

When they became hungry, they went upstairs, only to discover her laying lifeless on the floor in the same spot where she had fallen to the ground.

Her oldest child, Cole, said, "I even poked her with a fork a few times to see if she was going to get up and make us dinner". Her daughter added, "We didn't think she was dead at first. But then we noticed her face was kind of blue and that's when we knew we'd have to find some help....someone who could cook for us. I mean, it was already 5:00 and we hadn't eaten anything since 3:00!"

They explained that they called their father immediately on his cell phone to ask when he would be coming home from work, never once mentioning that their sweet mother was laying dead upstairs in their bedroom with the ladder on top of her.

He was over an hour away so they went next door to ask their neighbor if she could make some Bagel Bites for them. The neighbor became concerned, saying, "I knew Helene would never leave her children home alone so that's when I suspected something wasn't right. But the children never told me she was dead! So I cooked them dinner and waited there with them until their father arrived home."

The father didn't find his wife's body until he took the children upstairs to put them to bed.

He said, "I walked into their room and tripped over something and I yelled at them for leaving their toys out all over the floor. What do you gotta do to get your kids to clean up after themselves, know what I mean?!"

He shook his head sadly and continued, "That's when I looked down and realized I had actually tripped over my own wife's body. I can't believe I hadn't even noticed but, then again, the television was on and I became entranced. I can't even remember the last time I watched The Family Guy".

The police chief comforted the father, saying, "I know, dude. I wouldn't notice my wife's dead body on the floor either if The Family Guy was on tv. Don't you just love Stuey? That kid totally rocks!"

The mother's body was transported to the coroner's office while her family stayed behind and ate Bagel Bites.

The last thing the father said was, "Hey, Officer Smith, do you want to stay for dinner and catch the end of The Family Guy with us? But after that, you'll have to leave because I suppose I should call my wife's family and let them know she's dead".

With that, I managed to pick myself up off the ground and hobble downstairs, where I planted myself on the sofa and watched the 5:00 news.

Did the kids notice that I had even come downstairs? Come on, do I really need to answer that for you?

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70 comments:

Leslie said...

Helene, LOVE the news story! You made me (literally) loud out loud.

Lelsie

Brooke said...

priceless!!! :)

Jessi said...

LOLLOLOLOL!

Hilarious news story!

Shell said...

That is hilarious!

My boys would probably see it as their chance to go raid the fridge and pantry and then head outside.

Jen said...

Kids! They are so thoughtful, aren't they.

Great post.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

That was the most wonderful thing I have read today! Your obit was brilliant!!!!

BRILLIANT!!

Glad YOU weren't on the 5:00 news :-)

Drama Queen said...

Loved the news story! My kids would do the same thing. The cat would probably walk over, sniff, and then pee on me or something.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am CRACKING UP!! That is hysterical!! LMAO!!

Together We Save said...

That is so funny!!

Kim said...

And the icing on the cake is you'll have massive purple, yellow & green bruises across your legs FOR WEEKS because you're 40 and don't heal quickly any more.

Sadia said...

Oh dear. It sounds like you should take a nice long vacation so that you'll be more appreciated. I was thinking of going to NYC in February. Wanna come?

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

You mean to tell me that your kids wouldn't be on the news receiving a courageous heart award for administering cpr, calling 9-1-1 and directing the fire department and paramedics into the house? Looks like an emergency drill is in order...no dinner until they all pass with flying colors!!!

Loved the newstory but so sorry you were left to pick yourself up off the floor.

MamaOtwins+1 said...

Hilarious!

LucidLilith said...

Whoa..am number 14. am moving on up!

Honestly, the fictional story is waaaaay better than the real one.
:D

Nezzy said...

I have to say that is the first obituary that really made me laugh out loud. (Sorry!) I loved the way your caring children thought of things like, how will we get down, and who is going feed is....while poor mama rolls around on the floor in pain and agony! Heeeheeehe! Just think Helene, they'll be takin' care of you in your old age!

Have a better day and I hope your healin' up nicely.
God bless you girl, ya need all the help you can get!

Eva Gallant said...

That was priceless! I just roared! And it's so typical of kids! lol

Ginny Marie said...

Mmmm...bagel bites...

So, your kids actually eat dinner?

I'm so glad you're not dead!!

yonca said...

Oh, that is SO FUNNY!

The Crazy Baby Mama said...

brilliant. you're satire is exquisite

BigSis said...

Love the article. You are such a great writer. Oh, and sorry the kids weren't more sympathetic.

Amy said...

I am so sorry that happen to you. Sounds like something I would do. I loved what you wrote. Have a great day.

Lisa said...

Thanks for such a good laugh:) My kids would have done the same thing!

Alicia said...

LOLOL! It's even more funny to me because I'm visualizing all that happening!!!

Hilarious!

blueviolet said...

Oh you poor thing, I can't even imagine how much that hurt! I do have to say that the way you wrote this is such a LOL inducer!

Neo said...

ur blog has officially become my all time best! i jus had a crappy day and then i read this and i'm laughing hysterically my flatmates prolly think i've gone locco.

thank u for making me laugh today.

singedwingangel said...

rofl. that was too cute. And yet so so close to home. Although I am fairly sure my oldest would notice me lying in pain and I would survive theyoungest i am not so sure of.. the middle child would have to leave his room and notice me lol.

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

Too much funny! I didn't think there was anybody that's more of a drama queen than I. I can't wait to tell my husband and kids that there is! Blessings

Valerie said...

I just laughed so hard reading your obit that I peed my pants.

Because I'm 40...and well, that's what happens when your old!!!

Your just the best!!! Hope the shins aren't hurting too bad!

Val

DysFUNctional Mom said...

So I'm thinking your kids won't ever be the heroic type that are on the news for saving a life by calling 911 and giving you CPR until the ambulance arrives.
I'm with you on Family Guy though...it is pretty distracting!!

Michelle said...

I loved the news story! Hilarious!

Sorry your kids completely ignored you. My kids tend to go to the opposite extreme and oh and ah if I barely get hurt but I suppose that is a good thing.

I hope your shins are healing up.

Donna said...

LMAO!!! Helene, you. are. priceless! What a wonderful laugh I've had - you're writing is the best evah! Hubby wanted to know why I was laughing, I read him the obit: Who wrote that? So, she's really not dead? But she's writing about being dead? And you're laughing?

*sigh* go watch The Family Guy, Gary....

THANKS Helene!!

Yaya said...

I love that her main concern was dinner!

Peterson Family said...

Just don't do that if a big game is on...he will just keep yelling for you to do something about the kids and not even notice that you are lying in the floor at all.

Wow. Two sets of twins. I admire that you are still sane enough to write without making it sound like you are being held hostage..(Please come and help me...)

Thanks for sharing my SITS day with me and leaving me some bloggy love!!

JoeyRes said...

I think you should look at this as positive thing. Your kids have great faith in your resilience. My daughter screams, "mommy be careful" every time I go down the steps. She clearly knows that I don't possess the coordination to even walk properly. Your kids know it takes more than a bunk bed ladder to get you!

Marianne said...

HAHAHAHA, kids. So typical.

And by the way, I totally suck at life. I left a comment waaaaaay back in August when you wrote about your psycho killer and how you could picture your story on 48 Hours with the creepy reporter. I gave you the name Keith Morrison. ANYWAY, I intended to start a blog back in June and didn't realize when I left comments on blogs, my name linked to my blog. I abandoned the damn thing for 8 months and just looked at it tonight and saw you commented and became my one and only follower hahaha. So I just wanted to say THANK YOU! And FYI, I posted my second post tonight. Number one came in June. I'm stellar, what can I say.

Since I think I somehow deactivated my name linking to my blog (or maybe I'm on drugs), here is the link in case you care to refresh your memory, assuming you have no clue what the hell I'm talking about :)

ficklewhitewoman.blogspot.com

Flory said...

Oh my! I find that the older I get the more it hurts when I fall. I'm clumsy, so I fall a lot. How funny, they were worried about dinner. :)

Jenny said...

That is funny, but I bet it hurt so bad!

I pulled a hotel desk chair into my toe a few months ago and that was the worst pain I've ever been in. Seriously, I could have used an epidural from that pain!

Charlene said...

You always crack me up with your posts lol...

One time I stubbed my toe on the vacuum cleaner and Nathan said "I'm not kissing your foot." So I said next time you get hurt, I'm not kissing it either. He then proceeds to fall off the couch and comes over the me to kiss his head....I said I told you I'm not kissing your boo boos anymore. And he said "fine...I'll kiss your toe now." LOL!

HeartsMakeFamilies said...

OMG I am so rolling on the floor laughing. Girl you can make me laugh more than anyone I know.

HeartsMakeFamilies said...

OMG I am so rolling on the floor laughing. Girl you can make me laugh more than anyone I know.

Buckeroomama said...

You totally cracked me up (again)!! I'm sorry I burst out laughing at the scene of you lying on the floor writhing in pain and the twins up on the bed wondering out loud how they were ever going to get down. I could see that happening here over at our house... of course, it probably wouldn't be as funny!

Marianne said...

PS... just tracked down a clip of the SNL skit making fun of Keith Morrison.... HAHAHAHAHAHA, dead on! That's so hilarious! Keith may be the creepiest reporter of all time. Shoot, he's probably somehow connected to half the crimes he reports on. Something is just so off about him!

When did I become my Mom said...

Heh heh heh. Oh suck it up Mom! ;-)

Mrs Montoya said...

Did the mobile at least stay up? It shouldn't be funny, but gawd it is. I hope someone will make sure they get their Bagel Bites while you recover!!!

Chronicles Of A Mommy said...

Oh my goodness. I hope your shins are better!!!

Twins Squared said...

I am laughing so much I don't even know what to say here. That was quite a story! You are too funny! And I must admit, makes me appreciate my kids for showing concern when I get hurt. Last week I did something (don't remember now but it was bad) and Kaitlyn's always the one to come to my aid - she gave me her blanket and asked so seriously, just like I would do to her, "do you want me to get you an ice pack?" Anyway, I love your blog - us moms need to laugh more!

shortmama said...

My shins hurt just thinking about it! Ouch! The story is hilarious and sounds right on!

Twincerely,Olga said...

so funny! Glad your ok! no Mamma love today!!

Twincerely,Olga said...

so funny! Glad your ok! no Mamma love today!!

PaisleyJade said...

Too funny. I reckon my kids would be just the same!! :P

Clueless_Mama said...

Okay I was in hysterics as I read this. TOO FUNNY and SO TRUE!! Kids are a riot. Oh BTW, I am very glad you did not die! I would miss you making me laugh. I guess I am sort of selfish too. LOL

Jennifer said...

Why is this the fate of all mothers? *sigh* I'm glad you're walking. Even if the kiddos don't notice. ;-)

Thanks for stopping by my blog and wishing me a happy blogiversary the other day!

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Oh my, can't believe your children were that uncaring when you got hurt! Hopefully the day will come when they love you for more than a cook and actually show you some genuine love!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Hilarious! But I am glad you are okay. Kids - they only worry about the stomachs! And Men - only worry about tv.
Love it!

Creative Junkie said...

So ... is the mobile up yet?

Merri Ann said...

OMG ... too funny. I feel your pain both on the kid front and the hubby front.

The only thing I could add to that story is that my dogs would probably eat my dead body ...

Peggy said...

I'll just color until daddy comes home...priceless!

Literally, hang in there!

Stopped by from SITS

Peggy

Cristina said...

Ah yes...they've mastered the art of independence too early.

They can go on without you. Cereal, the Wii, coloring and Daddy - Mommy will get better, she always does.

Sigh.

xx

Cristina

The Mother said...

I can't tell you how many times I've done something stupid and wondered how many hours it would be before anyone older than four noticed I was dead.

Glad to hear you survived this one.

Karen said...

Kids and their priorities. :-)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

ahh, you poor thing! It did make for a good story though!

Erin said...

This news story is great, and every time you wrote "Bagel Bites," I had to laugh even harder. So funny that all kids think about is where their next meal is coming from etc...and they don't care or help or seem concerned when mommy is the one in pain!! Hilarious, Helene! Love this post! Needs to go on your sidebar under your favorite posts section.

A 2 Z said...

With 4 kids how do you manage your blog and all those comments? I wished I could have blogged when my kids were small. They say and do the funniest things. As for caring kids, that only shows up in their 20s when they start seeing you as a regular person....LOL

Corrie Howe said...

I love the news story too. I think it is good that you understand your place in life and can laugh about it. ;-)

Veronica Lee said...

LOL, that was hilarious!

tattytiara said...

Ah reminds me of my dear great Aunt Ruby. Lay dead in her room for almost forty eight hours before grandma realized it wasn't like her to miss Wheel of Fortune two days in a row.

I mean you kind of feel bad laughing, but you kinda have to!

mudmama said...

Ahhh, poor Mama!! I can so relate! My DH would total sit on my dead body to watch Stuey too ;)

Tracie said...

Best post I read today. Hysterical!

Angela said...

At least maybe Bella would lay her mobile on your coffin...RIP friend! Hope you heal soon! That is just too true around here as well.

Bethany said...

Oh man, I'm sorry but I'm laughing so hard at the news story! Funniest post I've read all week!! Hope it feel better soon!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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