A couple weeks ago, the kids and I made mobiles. Oh, wait...let me correct that. I made the mobile while they watched, which is what typically happens.
After finishing Bella's mobile, she wanted to hang it up in her room, thumb-tacked right above her bed, on the top bunk. She and Cole climbed up on her bed and they encouraged me to follow.
I said, "I don't think I want to get on the bed. With both of you already up there and then my added weight, the bed will probably break."
Bella responded, "No, it'll be fine...come on". Again, I said it wasn't a good idea. She continued, "Well, then just stand on the ladder".
Now, let me explain that at the time we put the bunkbed together, Tim couldn't find the metal hooks for the ladder so he attached it to the bed with plastic zip-ties. This was only supposed to be a temporary fix...yes, people, the key word here is TEMPORARY...which, in case you haven't figured it out already, is man code for "don't hold your breath waiting for me to fix it".
I eyed the ladder and thought that climbing up just two of the rungs wouldn't be so bad, plus I'd only be up there for less than a minute. So I grabbed the mobile and tack in one hand and climbed up the ladder.
Everything was fine as I reached up to press the tack into the ceiling. However, as I pushed upward on the tack while my feet pushed downward on the ladder, it gave way. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my weight had nothing to do with it. Really...it didn't. Just go ahead and erase that thought from your mind right now. I'll wait.
Okay, so Boom....the ladder fell to the ground with me on it. I bumped both of my shins against the ladder as I fell and holy crap, it hurt. It hurt worst than childbirth. Well, maybe not worse than childbirth. But definitely worse than having my wisdom teeth pulled.
As I laid on the ground grabbing my legs, the kids just stared down at me from the top bunk. I yelped, "Oh man, that's gonna leave a mark...that hurt SO bad!"
They both started whining, "How are we gonna get down from here?" I looked up at them and said, "Are you kidding me?? I'm laying here on the ground writhing in pain and you both are more worried about how you're gonna get down from there??!!"
Without any sign of shame, they both nodded their heads. Then Bella said, "Well, we're also worried about who's gonna cook us dinner if you can't get up". I shook my head in disbelief. "You both are unbelievable....where's the love, where's the concern?" I spat out. I continued, "When you all get hurt, I'm right there with hugs and kisses, putting ice and bandaids on your owies!"
Cole asked, "Oh, did you want ice?" No, don't worry about me....I'll be just fine.
They both managed to climb down on their own without killing themselves and walked out of the room, right past me. They went downstairs and Cole called back up to me, "Mommy, come down and play the Wii with me".
I sat there on the floor, grasping my banged-up shins, not sure if I should be laughing or crying. I could hear Cole say to Bella, "Do you wanna play the Wii with me until Mommy comes downstairs?" and she answered, "No, I'm just gonna color until Daddy gets home." I could hear Garrett and Landon moving the kitchen chairs around, probably trying to stand on each other's shoulders to reach the cereal boxes above the fridge.
So much for their concern...what if I had lost consciousness or had sustained such traumatic internal injuries that I laid there on the floor, bleeding out as I weakly called out for their help? Sure, I had only fallen maybe 2 feet to the ground but it's possible...for a drama queen, it IS possible.
I ended up laughing as I envisioned what the headline would read in the paper the next day..."Mother falls to her death from a bunkbed ladder" and the article would read:
A 40-year old stay-at-home mother died from injuries she sustained when she fell 2 feet to the ground from a bunkbed ladder, as she lovingly attempted to hang a mobile for her daughter. Her children seemed unconcerned when they left their mother laying on the floor, writhing in pain.
When they became hungry, they went upstairs, only to discover her laying lifeless on the floor in the same spot where she had fallen to the ground.
Her oldest child, Cole, said, "I even poked her with a fork a few times to see if she was going to get up and make us dinner". Her daughter added, "We didn't think she was dead at first. But then we noticed her face was kind of blue and that's when we knew we'd have to find some help....someone who could cook for us. I mean, it was already 5:00 and we hadn't eaten anything since 3:00!"
They explained that they called their father immediately on his cell phone to ask when he would be coming home from work, never once mentioning that their sweet mother was laying dead upstairs in their bedroom with the ladder on top of her.
He was over an hour away so they went next door to ask their neighbor if she could make some Bagel Bites for them. The neighbor became concerned, saying, "I knew Helene would never leave her children home alone so that's when I suspected something wasn't right. But the children never told me she was dead! So I cooked them dinner and waited there with them until their father arrived home."
The father didn't find his wife's body until he took the children upstairs to put them to bed.
He said, "I walked into their room and tripped over something and I yelled at them for leaving their toys out all over the floor. What do you gotta do to get your kids to clean up after themselves, know what I mean?!"
He shook his head sadly and continued, "That's when I looked down and realized I had actually tripped over my own wife's body. I can't believe I hadn't even noticed but, then again, the television was on and I became entranced. I can't even remember the last time I watched The Family Guy".
The police chief comforted the father, saying, "I know, dude. I wouldn't notice my wife's dead body on the floor either if The Family Guy was on tv. Don't you just love Stuey? That kid totally rocks!"
The mother's body was transported to the coroner's office while her family stayed behind and ate Bagel Bites.
The last thing the father said was, "Hey, Officer Smith, do you want to stay for dinner and catch the end of The Family Guy with us? But after that, you'll have to leave because I suppose I should call my wife's family and let them know she's dead".
With that, I managed to pick myself up off the ground and hobble downstairs, where I planted myself on the sofa and watched the 5:00 news.
Did the kids notice that I had even come downstairs? Come on, do I really need to answer that for you?
OM and Ohms
1 day ago