Thursday, January 14, 2010

He just had to open his mouth and ruin everything…

Like most men, Tim is slow to cross things off of his "to do" list. Every time I hear him say, "I really need to fix that", I just laugh and say, "Yeah, well go ahead and add that to your list...would this be #67 or #68?”

Now, I know that he doesn't have a lot of spare time to do these things...his weekdays are spent at work and his weekends are spent entertaining 4 little creatures from the black lagoon. So I can't be too hard on him, I guess.

He's been talking about building some shelves in our family room for months now. I could barely listen to him talk about it without wanting to laugh hysterically. But out of nowhere, he went and bought some wood and got all his equipment gathered in the garage and went to work.

Being the pervert that he is, he had a great time driving me up a wall with comments like, “Hey sweetie, do you want to feel my wood and make sure it’s smooth enough?” and “Sweetie, can you hold my wood for me?” If only his hands could work as fast as his sex-crazed brain, the shelves would’ve been up a long time ago.

However, within days, he had the shelves up on the wall...while I sat there with my jaw hanging open.

IMG_2673

There was something HOT about him working so hard to complete these shelves, much to my surprise.

The next day I was whining to him about how my laptop was driving me crazy because one of the plug-ins wasn’t working. He spent an entire 3 hours that night trying to figure out why Adobe 10 wouldn’t work with Windows 7.

Yes, people, my man gave up an entire evening of watching his lame sci-fi shows, while munching on chips and loudly announcing “HELLO” every time he farted all so he could fix the problem. In reality, I know he probably did it because he just wanted me to shut the hell up but still….it was HOT.

His next project was to try to fix my camera, which Landon broke. He took the whole dang thing apart and went to work to salvage my beloved camera.

tim1

However, it was beyond repair. As I frowned, he said, “It’s okay…this camera was old anyway. We can get another one this weekend. I’ll do some research and see what’s out there.”

And, lo and behold, he actually did! Within an hour, he called down to me from upstairs and said, “Sweetie, I found one that’s similar to ours and, best of all, it’s affordable”.

Now, the most impressive thing is that this all took place in a matter of 3 days. There was just something SO attractive about him taking charge and getting things done. He’s on a roll…nothing can stop him now.

Well…actually there is. His mouth. He opened it and said, “So if I get some more things done around here, what are you gonna do for me?” as his hands reached for my ass.

Seriously? Why does everything have to come down to sex? I said, “Uh, let’s see….I’ll continue caring for your spawn 10 hours a day, cooking meals and doing the laundry. Besides, having sex with you is #103 on my to-do list and I’m only at #32; however, maybe…and this is a HUGE maybe…if I’m not too tired tonight, I’ll cuddle with you on the sofa”.

And really….why isn’t a genuine, whole-hearted “thank you” good enough for him?

Clucking his tongue, he said “That’s a raw deal”. I don’t expect he’ll be going out of his way the rest of the year to fix any more things around here.

Memorable conversation of the day:

Bella: Are chickens alive before we eat them?
Me: Yes
Bella: And they had to die so we could eat them?
Me: Yes, unfortunately
Bella: I want to learn how to kill a chicken
Me: Eeeew, you do? Why?
Bella: I don’t know, I just do.
Me: And just how do you think you’re gonna learn how to kill a chicken?
Bella: Well, there’s got to be a “chicken killing” class somewhere. Can you call the YMCA and see if they have one?
Me: Uh, yeah…I’ll get right on that. But first let me call the therapist and find out when he can see you next.

63 comments:

kristi said...

Hey if sexual favors work, I say why not?? That reminds me, my husband has not put the tree in the attic yet. Guess I know what I'll be doing tonight after he puts the tree away!

sbswtp said...

Hi-larious!!!!!! I love the chicken conversation.... :)

Kristina P. said...

He sounds just like my husband with the inappropriate wood puns.

Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...

LOL @ "the" wood

Robin said...

I guess guys dont have clue sometimes...little does he know that he needs to keep that up for weeks.. and add in a ready made bubble bath complete with massage, glass of wine and a paid sitter....(you can dream, right..?)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I love the chicken killing class. Men only do things for sex..ever...it's genetic.

Brooke said...

is that all it takes to get things done around the house?? sounds perfect to me :P

singedwingangel said...

Ok my dear it is time I introduced you to the absolutel best marriage counselor in the world.. Mark Gungor. his take on marriage is not about men thinking like women it is about explaining to women why it will never happen. For a man everythign is related to 3 things, food, sleep and sex.. it is called a barter system for a man. We want them to do it simply caue they love us, they are like a dog and require some form of good behavior reward to get trained. Does a dog learn a new trick cause we nag at it or does it learn it cause it gets a treat or a belly rub for doing it.. yeah much the same with man.. look himup on Youtube, you and hubby both will rofl and come out with a wee bit better understanding of one another...

Carly said...

I am loving your memorable quote of the day idea. I wonder if she will ask you again if you called the YMCA??? LOL

Cynthia said...

The title of this post is HYSTERICAL! I try to explain to my husband all the time that if he was more subtle and less blunt, he'd probably get what he was looking for. Especially when he has an "above average" day at home. But then...he goes and kills the mood with some dumb, overt statement and...we're finished here! LOL!

Ms. Diva said...

A chicken killing class! That was so freakin cute!!!!! hahahaha!!

Nezzy said...

Because honey, with men it IS always about the sex. That's just the center of their being, their world and universe. Dear Hubby did remember our Anniversary, he did write a note in it, sweet! It read ,thanks for 37 years of great.....you guessed it SEX!"

Now ya'll get right on the Chicken Killin' class! Now if they Y doesn't offer one, just send little Bella to the Ozarks, we'll go tour the Tyson chicken killin' factory in Crane.

You post was a riot.
Have a wonderful day!

Nobodys Nothings said...

amazing.... just substitute the names and number of children in the house, and i could have written that post myself. no matter how different people are, i guess some things are always the same. husbands always look hot doing housework, and they always want sex in return. ;)

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

Yep, it's all about the sex. It's taken me a long time to figure that out. Not that I *understand* it, mind you. Either way, hooray for shelves and a new camera!

shortmama said...

My hubs is exactly the same way! Anytime I ask him to do something for me his response is always what are ya gonna do for me....and he aint talking about building things

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Helene, you made me laugh until my jaw ached!
Loved that chicken conversation!!!
chicken classes?!unbeatable!
huge hugs

Sharlene said...

So any luck with the YMCA? There has to be huge demand for that class...

Samantha said...

My husband and I just had this conversation last night. It doesn't matter what it is...but everything, for a male, boils down to sex. It is really rather aggravating to me.

Working Mommy said...

It is the same way with my hubs...he talks about sex as a reward for doing something that should have been done a while ago!! Maybe if you got things done BEFORE you should - or maybe just even on time - I would be more willing to stay up and have sex...but it isn't high on my list right now!

~WM

yonca said...

Time..time! My hubby is working long hours, also weekend too. There are a few things need to be fixed in our home. Hopely this spring:)

Twins Squared said...

Okay the chicken killing class is hilarious! As for your hubby, ugh! I only say ugh because my hubby always tells me he should get a reward when he does anything at all for the kids. He DOES do a lot around the house of his own free will so I'm good there, but the "reward" thing... What reward do I get for all the physical labor I do? Glad I'm not alone. I keep wondering why God did not create men and women equal in the sex dept. He'll be asleep in the chair for an hour, I'll get ready for bed, crawl under the covers and turn out the light, so happy that bedtime has finally come because my body is literally about to collapse. And all of a sudden my sleeping hubby will bound up ready to go! But men would want it whether they are about to collapse or not! I just don't get it. Okay, I'm done now. I can say these things in a comment but I can't blog about them. :)

Twins Squared said...

Okay one more thing. It does serve as a nice tool though to get them to do what you want. Works like a charm every time!

Angela said...

I needed a laugh soooo badly today! Thanks for not letting me down! I CAN NOT BELIEVE she asked you that! That one is the best!

Eva Gallant said...

I loved this! They want a standing ovation for doing the kind of thing we do everyday!

Tesa said...

I don't think men fully understand how attractive they are when they are getting things done around the house. If they did I think they would hop to it more often. Your husband sounds just like mine - innuendos and all!

That chicken conversation was hilarious!

Lisa said...

It is pretty hot when they work to get stuff done around the house, I agree.

There must be a gene that men have...the fart and say "hello" gene. My dad was doing that when I was little and almost every man I've ever known does too.

Liz said...

I think our husband's were friends in a previous life! LOL! I know just how you feel. ;-)

Rebecca said...

Hmmm...that "appreciation technique" sounds familiar! I love what you said about finding a therapist...it's amazing how their minds work!

Mighty M said...

My husband loves the double innuendos too!!

Good think I have never seen chicken-killing on my list of community ed classes!!

Corrie Howe said...

Unfortunately men and women speak two different languages of love. Woman like to be served and men like to be serviced. (HAHAHA. That just popped out, but not like I intended. But I'll leave it because its funny...at least to me.)

I think you should hold off on the therapy until after she kills a chicken.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

ROFL!!! I think you could call the YMCA on April 1 and ask that question!!!

And it totally is hot when husbands do projects.

The shelves looks great!

Stephanie Stearns Dulli said...

Wow, that is HOT! And can you please have him call my husband and tell him how it worked out? Cause I've got a few projects that need doin!

Amy said...

I need to see my husband doing some things like that. Chicken killing class at the YMCA Funny...

Jo said...

My SO and I both loved this post! We had a good laugh... but little does he know he does the exact same thing as Tim haha.

The chicken killing conversation was too funny... lets hope she never comes across that chicken killing class!

blueviolet said...

It's universal! It ALL comes down to sex every single time!

The Mother said...

Perhaps he will be contented simply to know that he has not decreased his lifespan by 18% by sitting in front of the TV this evening? Or that his activity has made him just a tad healthier?

No, huh?

Jennifer said...

I guess that is better than him wanting sumthin for nuthin???? Maybe. LOL

I don't know anything about ckicken killing. Sorry.

Thanks for stopping by.

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

Are all men really like that? He sounds exactly like my husband! It is sweet of them to do things for us. I really appreciate it. Maybe if he pours me a few glasses of wine, I'll scratch off the rest of my to-do list. Just kidding...reward the man! =)

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

Oh yeah, my husband is a sci-fi lover as well. I just don't get it.

Kelli said...

You absolutely MUST call the YMCA and tell them about the chicken killing class. That is too hilarious not to share...they'll love it!

J. L. W. said...

I love when my husband does things around the house. Sometimes all they need is some motivation. That conversation with your daughter was to funny! If your members of the local Y, hopefully she doesn't ask the next time you stop in!

Ms Bibi said...

Chicken killing class....that's hilarious. My grandma used to kill chickens.It wasn't that cool.

My hubs needs lots of motivation to get him moving, but then watch out...he's on fire.

Thanks for stopping by. I am your newest follower. Love your blog.

Joy said...

Hey, if my husband got THAT MUCH done...he'd get some for sure!! But his "To Do" list only keeps getting longer.
Oh and I love the chicken class idea, haha.

Alicia said...

Oh my word!!!

And your kids are just too smart for their own good! LOL

wife.mom.nurse said...

First commenter Kristi is just cracking me up.

Glad some stuff got done around the house though. The shelves look awesome :)

LOL! You absolutely crack me up too!

Dreamer said...

That chicken thing is hilarious! We have chickens as pets. We keep them for the eggs and our own entertainment (they're really stupid and funny to watch). A few months ago we needed to kill some that were really old and sick. My hubby had never done it himself so he looked up you tube videos (yes, there are tons of them out there) and found a technique he wanted to use on the poor things. All the while my kids, ages 7, 6 and 4 watched the videos alongside him. When it was time to do the deed my 7 year old (daughter!) pipes up, "Dad, I'll snap their necks and you clean out the guts." I wanted to puke! She could not go through with it, thank goodness, but they all stayed and watched the whole thing wide eyed.

No we did not eat it, I just could not do it...

Kerri said...

My husband is always fixing something or working on something, but the rest...I swear, men must originate from the exact same DNA, and then it mutates to different personalities or something. Sex is truly all they ever think about!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Carol said...

Classic. Thanks for the laughs, as always. We have some 'ladies' on the property for eggs. My Dad & his wife were visiting, and she was shredding cooked chicken. My 3yr old came in and asked her what she was doing. She said, "I'm shredding chicken." He cocked his head to the side and said, "Which one?" We all died laughing at his concern.

KK said...

Oddly enough I had a patient tell me his profession was "poultry killer" last week!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Be careful or he'll learn to ask for "favors" first, THEN do the jobs!
Chicken killing class, I love it!

Michelle said...

I guess I should be happy that my hubby isn't the only one who acts like that. Somehow though, it doesn't really make me feel any better! ;-)

Neo said...

still he got them done, some men wouldnt even lift a finger.

love memorable quote of the day, now that Bella is no wimp. I'm an adult and chickens still scare me!

Merri Ann said...

Aren't most of us trying to teach our kids that you do things because they need to be done ... clean your room, put your toys away, don't pee on the floor ... and they shouldn't expect a reward for what they are expected to do as a part of the family ...

And men wonder why we sometimes treat them like children ...

I had to LOL at the above comment about the barter system ... If all it took was a belly rub and a scratch behind the ears, things would certainly be different at my house.

I hope you'll let us all know when you call the YMCA to ask about dem der chickin killin classes ... when they come to take you away, we'll be sure to tell them that you really are a normal mom just trying to please her children ... we'll all say "just look at her blog" ... "see? she's normal right? right?"

Just tryin' to be helpful ... :)

Mama Michie (aka Michaela) said...

Men... they're so different and yet they're all the same! And when they don't get what they want, they sulk and carry on worse than a 2 year old! ha!

JoeyRes said...

Home improvement conversations are fun. I love my husbands caulk (-ing gun). I was surprised to find out he just has a small caulk (-ing gun). I always assumed it was bigger.

Note: This one's only funny if your a normal human that doesn't pronounce the "L".

Jack said...

Comments like these are part of why the boys and I intentionally slack off at times.

Creative Junkie said...

omg, I know. Every time my husband does a simple task around the house, it's almost like he stands there, waiting for a reward. I'm not talking about refinishing the stairs or remodeling the bathroom. I'm talking about doing the dishes once a year. Or folding a basket of laundry once a millenium.

I mean, c'mon. What planet are they from?

rocketgurl said...

Ah, your sweetie was getting the job done! Poor guy just knew all that work was going to pay off in the bedroom.

Bella is a trip.. The YMCA offers a chicken killing class.. Why? Oh, Why? Would she even want to know such a thing.. Hilarious!!

Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma said...

I swear I am married to the hispanic version of your hubby. Those exact scenarios play out at our house. Funny how if I suggest that he get some things done around the house he is "so tired" and falls asleep on the couch. If I suggest sex is on the menu that man can stay wide awake for hours just waiting. Pathetic! I must admit I have been so desperate to get some things checked off that ever growing To Do list that I have bartered with sex a time or two to get some stuff done. But only on days that I actually feeling like checking sex off my To Do list, lol!

Chicken killing? Awesome. I'm surprised that my kids haven't asked simply because my hubs has told them how his grandma made chicken in El Salvador. It grossed me out when he told me, ewww!

Karen said...

Next time you really want Tim to get something done and he doesn't get to it right away, find the cutest neighbor and tell Tim you'll just get the guy down the street to do it.

It'll be done before you can reach for the phone.

kys said...

Dude, I would have had to consult porn for special tricks if my husband did that much work. I am so not kidding.

F and M said...

This is hilarious... And it would have gone sooo much better for him if he just didn't speak... LOL... Men, right?

Frugal Vicki said...

I swear, I am so sick of hearing "I will fix it I need to do this." Whatever. It has finally gotten to the point where I give him a week and if it isn't done I attempt to do it myself. Usually not with the best results, but hey, he will learn one day!
I love your memorable conversations!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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