Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Tell me....does this sound familiar?

Wife: Would you mind stopping by the store for me today?
Husband: Yeah, no problem. Do you need a lot of stuff?
Wife: No, about 4 or 5 things.
Husband: Write them down on a list.
chicken broth
Okay, is this it?
Wife: Yeah, for the herbs...just get the dried herbs in the bottles in the spice section, not the fresh kind.
Husband: Okay.

15 minutes later, phone rings

Husband: Hey, I'm at the store
Wife: I figured as much.
Husband: Do you want just one piece of celery or the whole stalk?
Wife: What? You can't buy celery by the piece. You have to buy the entire stock already in the bag
Husband: Oh, I can't just rip one off and put it in a bag
Wife: No
Husband: I shouldn't have to buy the whole thing if you just need one little piece. I mean, we don't buy the whole bag of grapes if we don't need them. I just grab a handful of grapes and throw them in another bag.
Wife: Yeah, well it's okay to do that with grapes. But celery just comes in a stalk, all the pieces are attached already and bagged together
Husband: So are grapes...
Wife: Please, just get a stalk of celery already in the bag
Husband: This is their way of ripping customers off, you know.
Wife: Well, on your way out, make sure to let the manager know that you're onto him. Now, I have to go wipe your daughter's ass...are we done here?
Husband: Yes

5 minutes later, phone rings

Husband: Hey, it's me again. I'm still at the store.
Wife: And?
Husband: I'm confused about the mushrooms. There's a whole bunch of different kinds and then there are some already washed and packed in a container. Some of those are sliced. Which ones should I get?
Wife: Well, I only need a few so just grab a handful of the fresh ones.
Husband: But I think it might be cheaper to get the ones already packed.
Wife: Okay, then get those.
Husband: Well, maybe not? Hmmmm, let me try to do some math here....
Wife: Seriously? I only need a few so whatever you think is best, okay? The kids just lured the cat into their bedroom and now their door is shut. Are we done here?
Husband: Yes

2 minutes later, phone rings

Husband: You didn't say which KIND Of fresh mushrooms you want. There are several different kinds.
Wife: Uh, just get the white ones
Husband: They're ALL white
Wife: No, I mean there should be some "white button mushrooms". See them?
Husband: Oh, yeah. Just a handful?
Wife: Yes
Husband: But they don't even look clean.
Wife: So I'll wash them! I have to go. The cat just scratched two of the kids...one kid is dripping blood everywhere and the other kid lost an eyeball, which is still attached to the cat's claws.
Husband: WHAT? Are you serious??
Wife: I'm hanging up now.

2 minutes later, phone rings

Husband: Me again...
Wife: What on earth could you possible need to know now?
Husband: Do you want chicken BROTH or chicken STOCK?
Wife: It doesn't matter...chicken broth is fine.
Husband: Oh, because at Thanksgiving you used chicken stock.
Wife: Yeah, well, this time it really doesn't matter. Get whatever is cheapest
Husband: You're sure?
Wife: Yes, I'm positive. I'm hanging up now.
Husband: WAIT!! Do you want fat-free, 98% fat-free or low sodium?
Wife: Ugh, you're killing me here! I. DO. NOT. CARE. Get whatever...and do not call back unless the store is on fire and you're trapped inside.

3 minutes later, phone rings

Wife: Don't tell me...the store is on fire and you're trapped?
Husband: No, I was just calling to let you know I'm on my way home.
Wife: Did you happen to pick up a bottle of wine and some tylenol while you were at the store?
Husband: Those weren't on the list. Did you want them?
Wife: Uh...yeah, now I do!

Memorable conversation of the day:

Bella: Mommy, who killed Martin Luther King?
Cole: I know who killed him!
Bella: Who?
Cole: Michael Jackson!
Me: That can't possibly be what your teacher told you in class?!
Cole: Nope, I figured it out all by myself.

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Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" said...

I guess our husbands are just so eager to please us that they come up with all these questions. My husband does the same thing only he usually only calls about one item, not the whole list!

Buckeroomama said...

Well, at least he calls to be perfectly clear on what you want. :)

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo THAT is why I allow hubby to come home and I go to the store leaving him in charge of the homefront. HA they are ripping you off cause you can't buy one stalk of celery that was priceless

Mrsbear said...

It's funny because it's true. My husband needs specifics, brand names, net weight, package coloring. And he still calls from the store. Jeezus, it's just celery.

Can you really pull grapes out of the package and then rebag them? That's weird. Not at our grocery store. I feel like I've been swindled. They always go bad. Who can eat that many grapes? ;)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I think I had this exact conversation last time I sent my husband to the store!

BigSis said...

Is it just me or do the conversations with husbands sound like they are with children?

Samantha said...

That was so funny...our boys are helpless animals :)

Oh and Cole has an interesting theory on who killed MLK.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

That was so funny! The cat!!!!!

My husband has gotten better at the store, he doesn't look at price, though. He does come home with a ton of stuff not on the list. This week, we got ice cream drumsticks!

If he has to go, I write out the list by aisle for him, so he can find everything.

Amy said...

What a funny post. You husband is great. Then you have your wonderful children telling life and they see it. Love it. Have a great day.

Creative Junkie said...

Honestly? I'd prefer that over what my husband does, which is read my list that says "1 pound of ground turkey" and then come home with 2 pounds of ground pork.

Eva Gallant said...

That is so funny, and so typical! My husband does the same!

S Club Mama said...

I won't lie, that's usually me calling my husband. I'm getting better but sometimes I just don't know what to get. Usually it's about price; I don't pay attention to it, I just get what I need.

And your kids are hilarious.

Twins Squared said...

Actually that doesn't happen here because it is rare that he picks something up at the store for me, other than milk! But I CAN identify with wiping my daughter's butt! How old must she get before I can quit doing that???

Mommy Taylor said...

Never send a man out to do a woman's job! Lol. This sounds just like what my hubby would do. Men are so helpless some times...

Robin said...

LMAO...so funny..he was really pushing it with the 4th call...and that's why we (women) just do everything ourselves..its just so much easier...I tell mine..it would be better for me to take the kids, the dogs and walk than to have you pick a few things up..LOL

Brooke said...

lol! so that's why my mom would right "16 oz jar of peter pan creamy peanut butter - full fat" on the grocery list!

Living It, Loving It said...

Ah yes, kids and husbands! What a life!

Anonymous said...

Tears are rolling down my face!

This is so true!

But we have to give our hubbies a break because when they do use their own judgment (like we asked them to) we end up complaining about it being the wrong kind or the wrong quantity!

MamaOtwins+1 said...

Sounds EXACTLY like phone conversations between me and Dear Hubby when he goes to the store- execpt our store is so far in the sticks - the only signal is at the front - so he keeps having to walk back and forth to describe his problem.

The last line - that he figured it out by himself- had me cracking up!

Paula @ Organizing Tips For Moms said...

You are funny! I send my husband when I need to get what is just on the list. He never gets extras, just what's on the list.

FRANNIE said...

SOetimes it's just easier to leave him home with the kids (I know there's 75 phone calls involved with that too :) and go to the store yourself.

At least you can shut the phone off in the store and claim there was a bad signal.

Mother of Multiples said...

Helene- I havent visited in awhile but I swear this was well worth it. OMG you kill me. This is suchy a perfect perfect conversation that I think nearly everyone can relate to. Have you gotten a publisher yet for your book cause I really think you need to publish all of this funny stuff. Good post ..thanks for making me smile


Jenna said...

How funny!! We have the same exact conversations, except I will send a list and hubby will come back with about 100 other "junk" food items and most likely forget my most needed listed item, ugh.

Corrie Howe said...

I laughed and laughed. Fortunately my husband is pretty good about shopping, but there are occasions. Mostly he brings home more than I asked ("it was such a good deal, you can never have enough TP.")

Nezzy said...

It's the Grocery Mafia, they are totally against husbands running food errands. Yep, that conversation from the store is so typical of a quick trip to the store. That Cole is just something else. Heeehehe. Funny post, as usual.

Have a great day enjoyin' that Tylenol and wine!

LMJ said...

ahaha!! I love this!! Hubby does that same crap to me!! But I'm glad he does, otherwise he'll bring th wrong stuff.

Kim said...


Mommy24cs said...

Luckily the grocery store we go to has lousy cell service so I am saved from all the question calls, however when he gets home half the stuff on the list will be missing. When I ask him why he didn't get everything, he tells me they didn't have it. One time it was sour cream. He expects me to believe that the store is completely out of every single brand of sour cream?? I try to only send him for things like milk or bread. LOL

MamaHen Em said...

This is hilarious and true and the very reason I have NEVER sent my husband to the store for me. EVER. The phone calls would KILL me!

Kellene Maynard said...

LMAO! Thank you for the best laugh I could ask for! My husband is EXACTLY the same. I have completely given up on having him "swing by the store" for me. Thanks for sharing! Visiting via SITS!

Jessi said...

Familiar? Sounds just like my husband.

Wait, did he get everything right? My husband, I can be on the phone dictating EXACTLY what it is I want and yet he'll get home and either got something wrong, or forgot something completely.

Michale Jackson killed MLK? HAHAHAH!

Carly said...

Love it! Love it! mine is always figureing out the cheepest per ounce too! Sometimes it's like just buy it and get home. LOL

Mighty M said...

That is why we just need to do stuff ourselves. Or maybe that is what they WANT us to think.

Your son is a future conspiracy theorist in the making. :)

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

My nerves!!! Husbands!

Working Mommy said...

Oh my good gracious!!! This is, by far, one of the funniest conversations I have heard!!! Not to mention it is strikingly similar to a convo the man and I had...maybe I'll post it next week :)


Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

How funny! I love it!
Catching up on reading blogs at "naptime" ahem, well, "run around your rooom tearing it up time"

Nona said...

Oh my thanks so much I really needed this kind of laugh. Our hubbies we can't send them to the store but we can't live without them.

Together We Save said...

My husband won't even go to the store unless he takes one of my girls and they run in and get what I need..... needless to say, he does not go to the store.

I Love the conversation too BTW>

Morgan said...

haha, your last line about tylenol and wine was pretty funny.

At this very moment my husband is calling me from the grocery store asking questions too. ; )

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think it's nice that they're being helpful, but it might just be faster if we did it ourselves. This might be their secret plan to get out of shopping all together. Hmm...

HeartsMakeFamilies said...

LOL Were you standing in my kitchen yesterday? Thats pretty much what our conversation was lol

Shell said...

So typical of men!

Mine would have come home with fresh herbs, saying "I heard you say fresh."

JoeyRes said...

I'm so glad you captured the fun of sending a husband to the grocery store for all of us to read. I'd never be able to send my hubby for anything as exotic as spices and mushrooms, but I had this same phone call over pedialyte and saltine crackers. We skip the frequent calls by his refusal to hang up until he's at the check out!

Christina said...

I'm dying here, DYING!!! :)

kys said...

Yep. That sounds about right. Are you sure our husbands aren't brothers?

ZenMom said...

Too funny. And yes, that sounds eerily familiar.

Jen said...

Totally familiar!

Krissi said...

Too funny! That's just like my husband at the store!
I can't believe you have 2 sets of twins! I can barely manage my 4 month old twins and my almost 3 year old daughter! Following from MBC (multiples group)! ;-)

Jenny said...


My husband gets so confused about groceries sometimes.

MrsM said...

We don't have a cell phone so I can tell you with absolute certainty that it is MUCH better for him to call you a thousand times than to go to the store with a list that says apples-onion-milk and come back with apple juice-onion rings-sour cream-new video game.

Much MUCH better.

WhisperingWriter said...

This is hilarious. I go through this with my husband. It's why he rarely shops now.

Holly said...

If I had to call my hubby that much when I was asked to do something he'd kill me. You know what's worse, when he calls that much and then forgets something or comes back with the wrong thing...oh wait that never happens here (snicker).

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

Yes, sounds so familiar. I finally gave up and usually my husband doesn't go to the grocery store. Next time, have him leave his cell phone. I am sure he will figure things out all by himself. Although, you probably would have ended up with only one stick of celery!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You can't send a man to the store for anything more complex than milk. Sorry you had to learn that the hard way!
LOVE that conversation!

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Anonymous said...

That's hysterical! Stop by my blog I have something for you!

eight helping hands said...

That was funny! I just started working at Wegmans Grocery Store and I can always, always, tell when a husband is in the store with his list. I can't tell you how many times a guy cons me into helping him either. Actually I would prefer to so that his wife doesn't strangle him when he comes home.
I think I get at least a minimum of 2 calls when mine goes to the grocery store.

LazyCrazyMama said...

OMG!! So true! So true!! LMAO!!!

Heather Kephart said...

Helene, this is so freaking funny! One piece of celery? Funny how the thought never even occurred to me. Must be genetic lol. Of course your husband makes sense, it's amazing how much knowledge we have that we don't even register!

Shelby at DoubleUpBooks.com - The Twins and Multiples Bookstore said...

You can tear off just the amount of grapes that you want?! I didn't know that.

My husband is very good at the supermarket (he does most of the shopping), but when he has a question he guesses and doesn't call me. When he gets home I might get cottage cheese instead of sour cream.

Keep up the great writing!


The Lane Family said...

It sounds like Tim needs to do more grocery shopping minus the phone. It may be cruel when I send Jim grocery shopping I just happen to not be near the phone if he calls.

I figure that if I give him a great list with specifics and even instructions where to find everything that he can do it :) It works most of the time :)

Haasiegirl said...

yes. This seems familiar. Are we married to the same man? Mine told me last night he wanted to stick his sock in my drawer..if you know what he means.

Good lord.


Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Oh girl. Speak the truth, sister. Speak. The. TRUTH!

And with that, I am bookmarking you. Us fellow, crazy, mom-to-many's need to stick together.

Baby said...

OMG, that's so funny! Love it!


Just One Week said...

Love it!! I still remember the day I was grocery shopping with my now husband and I pointed out to him how the little signs at the store point out the cost per ounce/pound/etc. so that you can compare the cost of items that come in different sized containers. I should not have done that. Grocery shopping takes 4x as long with him now because he wants to find the cheapest one - but then I need to point out 2-ply vs. 1-ply, etc. I will admit that while all of this drives me crazy, it also falls into the category of why I love him. He will accompany me to the grocery store because he thinks it will be "twice as fast" and then he won't have to "be away from me" as long?! (I'll point out he lives in a different state for work currently and I only see him on weekends! If I were more on top of things, I'd shop on weekdays while he's away!).

Shannon said...

Haha! Hilarious. :) Hubby is pretty good at shopping, but he will call with long questions when both my toddlers are havin meltdowns, have poop dipes and dogs are on a rampage, attacking the door because the wind blew.

This is my first time at your blog. LOVE IT!

The Mother said...

Oh, yes. All too familiar.

They do it on purpose, you know. So that eventually you will realize that it's just easier to go to the store yourself.

Frantic Holly said...

Oh we have this conversation on a daily basis and over all sorts of things not just the grocery list.

Vera Ezimora said...


So the lesson has been learned: Do NOT send husband to the store. Got it. I am not yet married, but I'll be sure to keep this in mind for future purposes.

Vera Ezimora said...

Oh, LOL @ Michael Jackson killing Martin Luther King.

LucidLilith said...

OMG...your hubby sounds just like my boyfriend. He analyzes every single purchse decision to death. This is too funny.

Lately, I've stuck to my response, "whatever you decide to do/get/buy/give is okay with me, I promise."

Ginny Marie said...

There are so many times when I say...I'll just go to the store myself!

When did I become my Mom said...

I always get a kick out of your memorable conversation o tha day!!! Those kiddos are smart!

Sharlene said...

Oh you should have just let him pull a piece off that stalk so the cashier could have laughed at his ass!!! I certainly was. My husband is just as bad. He actually gets mad at me if I give him something he doesn't already know the location of. I gave up sending him to store for anything but the basics.

This Daddy said...

So my wife calls me and says "Hey go to this blog and read this"
I read it and called her back and all she could do is laugh.
I am proud to be a part of the club that allows husbands to go to the store and bug the shit out of our wives.

Theta Mom said...

OMG. Am I married to your husband??? Helene, they MUST read from the SAME book, and I can't wait until I get my hands on it!!!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

You should have left him at home with the kids. Maybe he'd have more success keeping them alive.

The Depews said...

Are you listening in on our phone calls? That is eerily familiar all the way from how many items all the way down to the chicken broth choices. Even the hanging up to deal with "emergencies!"

You are not alone. Things like that make me realize that DH needs to do those kinds of things way more often... But hey - at least he calls. He could just get what he thinks you need like Crisco brand vegetable oil not shortening... Or whipped cream instead of whipping cream. Or 2 bananas because you just said "bananas."

Rhaven said...

That was full of win! I seriously just laughed my butt off. Thank you!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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