Wife: Would you mind stopping by the store for me today?
Husband: Yeah, no problem. Do you need a lot of stuff?
Wife: No, about 4 or 5 things.
Husband: Write them down on a list.
Husband: Okay, is this it?
Wife: Yeah, for the herbs...just get the dried herbs in the bottles in the spice section, not the fresh kind.
15 minutes later, phone rings
Husband: Hey, I'm at the store
Wife: I figured as much.
Husband: Do you want just one piece of celery or the whole stalk?
Wife: What? You can't buy celery by the piece. You have to buy the entire stock already in the bag
Husband: Oh, I can't just rip one off and put it in a bag
Husband: I shouldn't have to buy the whole thing if you just need one little piece. I mean, we don't buy the whole bag of grapes if we don't need them. I just grab a handful of grapes and throw them in another bag.
Wife: Yeah, well it's okay to do that with grapes. But celery just comes in a stalk, all the pieces are attached already and bagged together
Husband: So are grapes...
Wife: Please, just get a stalk of celery already in the bag
Husband: This is their way of ripping customers off, you know.
Wife: Well, on your way out, make sure to let the manager know that you're onto him. Now, I have to go wipe your daughter's ass...are we done here?
5 minutes later, phone rings
Husband: Hey, it's me again. I'm still at the store.
Husband: I'm confused about the mushrooms. There's a whole bunch of different kinds and then there are some already washed and packed in a container. Some of those are sliced. Which ones should I get?
Wife: Well, I only need a few so just grab a handful of the fresh ones.
Husband: But I think it might be cheaper to get the ones already packed.
Wife: Okay, then get those.
Husband: Well, maybe not? Hmmmm, let me try to do some math here....
Wife: Seriously? I only need a few so whatever you think is best, okay? The kids just lured the cat into their bedroom and now their door is shut. Are we done here?
2 minutes later, phone rings
Husband: You didn't say which KIND Of fresh mushrooms you want. There are several different kinds.
Wife: Uh, just get the white ones
Husband: They're ALL white
Wife: No, I mean there should be some "white button mushrooms". See them?
Husband: Oh, yeah. Just a handful?
Husband: But they don't even look clean.
Wife: So I'll wash them! I have to go. The cat just scratched two of the kids...one kid is dripping blood everywhere and the other kid lost an eyeball, which is still attached to the cat's claws.
Husband: WHAT? Are you serious??
Wife: I'm hanging up now.
2 minutes later, phone rings
Husband: Me again...
Wife: What on earth could you possible need to know now?
Husband: Do you want chicken BROTH or chicken STOCK?
Wife: It doesn't matter...chicken broth is fine.
Husband: Oh, because at Thanksgiving you used chicken stock.
Wife: Yeah, well, this time it really doesn't matter. Get whatever is cheapest
Husband: You're sure?
Wife: Yes, I'm positive. I'm hanging up now.
Husband: WAIT!! Do you want fat-free, 98% fat-free or low sodium?
Wife: Ugh, you're killing me here! I. DO. NOT. CARE. Get whatever...and do not call back unless the store is on fire and you're trapped inside.
3 minutes later, phone rings
Wife: Don't tell me...the store is on fire and you're trapped?
Husband: No, I was just calling to let you know I'm on my way home.
Wife: Did you happen to pick up a bottle of wine and some tylenol while you were at the store?
Husband: Those weren't on the list. Did you want them?
Wife: Uh...yeah, now I do!
Memorable conversation of the day:
Bella: Mommy, who killed Martin Luther King?
Cole: I know who killed him!
Cole: Michael Jackson!
Me: That can't possibly be what your teacher told you in class?!
Cole: Nope, I figured it out all by myself.
OM and Ohms
1 day ago