Well, that’s an easy answer….my kids! Just when I think they couldn’t possibly get any grosser than they already are, they prove me wrong. Apparently, there is no end to what they will do to cause me to want to hurl the contents of stomach all over the kitchen floor.
On one of the days when I was lucky enough to convince Landon and Garrett to take a nap, Cole and Bella were sitting with me at the kitchen table coloring. The cat came up to the glass sliding door and wanted to come in. As I let her in, I saw what looked like a dead, stiff lizard on the ground.
Instinctively, I let out a gagging sound and immediately the kids came running over to see.
Cole yelled, “Cool…a lizard!” And Bella surprised me when she said, “Can we bring it inside and look at it?”
“No!! No way is that disgusting creature coming inside this house!” I said, with my arms firmly crossed in front of my chest.
“Aw, come on, Mommy! It’s dead so it’s okay”, they said, trying to convince me. “Dead or not, it’s loaded with germs and diseases….you’ll get warts if you touch it…your skin will get all shriveled up and crack…”, I responded.
They stood there, shaking their heads in disbelief. “We’ll be really careful…come on, we just want to look at it”.
Surrenduring, I said, “Fine…but you have to put on latex gloves first! And let’s be clear…I am not coming within 5 feet of it”.
After Cole and Bella put on the gloves, they examined the lizard with their magnifying glass, intent on studying every little crack and crevice on him. I tried not to puke every time they touched it.
Cole said, “I’m gonna bring him with me tomorrow for share day”. I said, “I don’t think your teacher would like that.” He responded, “Yeah, she will…she said we could bring anything we want and I want to bring this lizard”. Fine…whatever. Bring the stinkin’ lizard to class.
After a few minutes of watching them handle it (which included smelling it….don’t even ask because I don’t get it either), I finally said, “Okay, seriously….put that lizard somewhere where I don’t have to see him. It’s creeping me out.”
Soon enough, Garrett and Landon woke up. We had plans to go to a friend’s house for a playdate so I began packing up the diaper bag.
That’s when I noticed it. The lizard was gone. I asked Cole, “Did you put him in your backpack for share day?” He shook his head no.
The very thought of that THING suddenly springing back to life and hiding somewhere, like in my bed, made me want to run out of the house screaming.
I yelled, “WHERE. IS. THE. LIZARD?” But they all just stared at one another, completely clueless. “Well?” I asked, with my hands on my hips, as if that would make me seem like I had more authority.
No one would fess up so I grabbed the camera and said, “I’m getting this on video and showing it to Daddy so he’ll see what I have to put up with day after day while he’s off at work having the time of his life!”
Then Landon, never one to turn down an opportunity to take the heat off of himself, pointed to Garrett. And that’s when things got a little more dicey, as always when MY kids are involved.
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