To: Mommy
From: Your LOVING demon spawn (the oxymoron of the century)
Re: Past memos
===================================
We are tired of listening to you bellow, "Who forgot to turn the lights off? Did I miss the memo saying that electricity is now free?" and "Why can't you all clean up after yourselves? Did I miss the memo saying that I'm your personal maid?"
We hate to be the bearers of bad news (yeah, right...it's what we live for, actually) but yes, in fact, you have missed a whole lotta memos around here recently.
Since you continue to claim that pregnancy has cost you most of your brain cells and you don't recall receiving the memos, we thought it would be helpful if we sent you a not-so-gentle reminder.
1) As you've already guessed, electricity is now free. So stop your moaning and groaning when we leave a couple lights on after we leave a room or leave the television on when we're not watching it. How do we know it's free? Because there's no swipie thingie for your debit or credit card next to the on/off switches...duh.
2) The kitchen hours have changed....it is now open round the clock, 24/7. If we're thirsty at 3:00 am, we can walk downstairs and get ourselves a glass of juice. It's no big deal if we spill it all over the floor because you need to clean the floor anyway, for the 5th time in one week.
What? The fridge was left open all night long? No worries...electricity is free, remember? And all that food that went bad during those 5 hours...we were just gonna waste it anyway.
3) For those of us who still have baby teeth, eating candy is no longer a big deal. Furthermore, there's no need to brush twice a day because baby teeth fall out anyway so why bother to take care of them. The Tooth Fairy even said so. See....
I'm the Tooth Fairy and I approve this memo.
4) Peeing in the tub during bath time is acceptable. In fact, it always has been cool to empty our bladders in the tub but parents everywhere started rebelling, saying we might get dysentery and keel over in the middle of soccer practice so we had to put an end to it.
However, since it's a known fact that OUR time is more precious than YOUR time, we will be re-implementing this rule. You know, pee in the tub while bathing ourselves....kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
If it makes you feel any better, human pee actually isn't harmful if consumed...it's only yellow-tinged water, after all. Now, if we're talking about pooping in the tub...that's a whole 'nother issue. Even we have our standards, believe it or not.
5) The studies showing that television is bad for children is a crock. It has recently been discovered by a random group of kindergarteners (all 2 of us) that children get into LESS trouble and mothers pull out LESS of their own hair when we're being entertained by the
6) The phrases "because I said so", "because I'm the parent here, not you", "use your inside voice" and "use walking feet" have been abolished from the human language. Enough said...
7) R.E.S.P.E.C.T. If you want us to listen to you, then you need to listen to us. No more saying, "uh-huh" while you keep your head buried in your People magazine when we're telling you for the 3rd time that day about the gnarliest greenish-brown booger that Sam pulled out of his nose during share time in class. Surely, that's more entertaining than Heidi Montag's 4th nose-job or the most shocking scandal ever to happen in Bachelor history (again).
We know you're NOT listening...we're mischievous and somewhat evil, not stupid.
8) An apple a day keeps the doctor away...that now applies to parents, as well as children. No more piling fruits and veggies a mile high on our plates while you scarf down oreos and donuts at every meal. For someone who claims to be healthy, the junk in your trunk and the jiggle in your middle indicates otherwise.
9) Share and share alike...isn't that what you always say? It goes both ways...you now need to share YOUR things with us, including but not limited to, your make-up (yes, the eyelash curler and the mascara are on that list), adult scissors (we'll give a whole new meaning to the term "running with scissors" and it'll be downright scary), your brand new laptop, the keys to the mini-van, your digital camera, all 10 tv remotes, and Daddy's endless supply of Dr. Pepper which you keep hidden in the garage. Let the good times roll...
Thank you for your cooperation. If you would like to dispute any of the items included in this memo, you can suck it.
We reserve the right to change these rules any ole' time we please...simply because we can.
61 comments:
I am laughing...I have missed reading you because I have been lazy and a terrible bloggy friend. As they get older, the TV sucks their brains out through their noses and they become zombie like. And, the peeing in the tub..soon it will be showers and washes down the drain, so at least they aren't sitting in it. As for the kitchen being open..that never changes...the lights..give it up...and believe me new things emerge...sorry to burst that bubble, not that you had one to begin with.
LOLOL!!
#8 is so true! haha!
haha, cant wait for ur kids to grow up and read ur blog!
LOL! So true on #8... I tell them not to eat junk and I snack on chips!
Re: Neo's comment - I somehow have a feeling that Bella will most likely start her own blog as soon as she's able to.
OMG, I love this so much! Every post of yours becomes my favorite...till I read your next one!
I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Too, too funny. Its like you live at my house.
Wordy
Word Designer
Ahh the list.. that changes consistently through out their lives with us till they get married, have kids and become us. Then they come home and don't want to admit they understand where we were coming from when they were kids , cause then that would be admitting they didn't know it all and it ain't gonna happen..
Love it!!!!! My children would agree with your MEMO.
...Ahhhh the commonalities we all share...I just told my family yesterday that this is ..."the year of me"...it didnt go over so well...they looked at me inquisitively..like whaaaa..? my little one is 18 in June so...things are a changing around here....LOL..!
Just loved this post... coming from SITS. Random, but are you going to Bloggy Boot Camp in Baltimore?
I love #8! I love this post!
Hilarious! Sad, but the kids really do rule the house around here.
So true! Respect each other! Love #7
I can't wait for your kids to read your blog when they're older too. Talk about hilarious.
You keep me entertained, Helene!
Your so funny, love these memo's. My boys need one about peeing in the bath water, ugh!
lol!! :)
my favorite - "we're mischievous and somewhat evil, not stupid"
Too funny - I relate most to #8! Guilty as charged. And I didn't know many Californians drank Dr.Pepper but it is a staple here in TX and nothing makes me happier than sipping on a Dr.Pepper all day! Thank goodness my kids don't drink it - they think all sodas are spicy. Last, what is the deal with the most shocking scandal ever in Bachelor history? They DO say that EVERY SINGLE season!! Funny you pointed it out!
I turn the closed caption on the Tv so it's extra educational. I mean they are learning foreign languages!
LOL....You are one funny girl!
P.S. I think my son helped write this with your kids
LOL! I love the debit swipe reasoning for electricity! Too funny and too true! Thanks for the laughs!
LOL!
We have a rule at bath time! No potty. No bath.
It's just terrible all the things I had to learn being a parent! My kids have worn down the slightly COD neat freak to a shadow of what it use to be!
We don't drink any sodas over here! Too many horror stories about Aspartame have put me off soda for life.
Further proof that any idiot can write a memo.
I think the tooth fairy is probably gonna sue.
As I was reading this, I was wondering how it would translate into a teen's frame of reference.
And then I got scared and ran away from the computer for a bit.
Careful girlfriend, or you'll have all the punks in America bandin' together with the Kids Ten Commandments! Heeeheehe! You always have me grabbin' my sides.
Ya'll have a greatly blessed day!!!
This is brilliant, Helene! I especially love # 8 & # 9.
I've been letting the television babysit my kids far too often lately. I lie to myself that they're learning some things while they watch. Ugh!
So funny! Loved these memos , Helene.
#4 LOL!!!
Betty xx
You had me absolutely rolling. I'm so far behind. Having issues with the newsite. Up Down Up Down. Lost GoogleFriends. Now lost the RSS Feed. But I'm coming back.
Won't be long before my kids get to where they do those things. Yikes!
Your children can write the rules and ignore the memos because the outnumber you. And one day they will be bigger than you.
Do you want to know my secret for making my 17 year old son, who is 5'11" still tremble in his boots? (It might be too late for your two oldest, but still time for your two youngest.)
Ah yes, the humor is BACK!! :)
You're entries are such a hoot! I really enjoy reading them.
www.what-comes-next.net
I'd appreciate it if you'd take my kids off your mailing list, as I'm pretty sure your kids have been CCing their memo to mine
; )
That is great! Hey, at least they spelled stuff correctly, right?
I have sent memos to my girl and husband. Then they know I mean business!!!!
This post is just awesome! I can't stop laughing!
Oh Gawd! I'm so glad my kids are grown and now parents, and they're getting the memos! lol
A really wonderfully funny post!
Your kids are genius!
I'm convinced your kids are going to change the world as we know it!
I think I say...." The fish are finished wating TV now & if they turn it off themselves they will die" at least 3 times a day (and really this is alot since we are at work & school till 5 everyday!
Well, at least you know where you stand.
I can't believe they didn't mention anything about the money tree in the back yard.
hahaha. too cute. Stopping by from SITS!
Hilariour Helene! These will turn into some tough to handle teenagers. As a matter of fact, sounds a lot like my 17 year old. :)
Amen! I can relate to every word of your blog "memo"! Love it! Stopping by from SITS...cannot believe you have two sets of twins, but that is one of the reasons why we will not be having anymore kids since our twins were spontaneous!
Can't wait to check out more of your blog!
LOL! You might as well surrender!
Brilliant, just brilliant. I have no idea how you come up with this stuff but I am truly happy that you do. I've been away lately, but this is so worth coming back to the blogosphere. Such good stuff, Helene. You a truly a genius and your kids are brilliant writers!!
I'm laughing so hard because you just described my life with the boys!
I love it thanks for the laugh :)
Ha! This was awesome! Yellow-tinged water....LOL!
AWESOME post! It really rocked my world! I can totally relate to this; thank you for writing it with such humor! Thanks for your honest sharing! Visiting via SITS!
As usual, I am sitting her trying not to spit my coffee at the screen! AND - I think you've given me a new idea. I feel like maybe someone SHOULD invent a credit card swiper to go next to the light switch and the tv outlet - I think the kids SHOULD pay to play!!
The whole thing was hilarious, but loved the ending "you can suck it!" You are too funny.
You beat me to the punch over at my blog. YES! You earned an award - the Beautiful Blogger Award because you are both beautiful and have a new beautiful blog. Congrats! I'd never forget my friend Helene.
Shelby
"No more piling fruits and veggies a mile high on our plates while you scarf down oreos and donuts at every meal."
LOL! I have to say I'm more of an oreo and donut gal myself!
Let's just hope none of mine ever get the nerve to actually write a memo like this. It would be the last thing they ever wrote!
I actually can't argue with them about the TV thing. I know there's been a rise of bald mothers at the insane asylum since the AAP's suggestion.
It should tell you something that I have a full head of hair.
Donuts and Oreos...a breakfast of champions.
That is hilarious! I think we can all relate.
HOW I CAN RELATE, on several pages.
But I'll keep it to one post.
Hiding the soda in the garage - how do they figure that out so quick? ;)
Oh MY GOSH! LOL! I'm just going to pretend I haven't seen this memo, ok?
Hilarious! I feel for you. You definitely have your hands full! Good luck and I hope it gets better as they get older.
Hmmm...it looks as though the memo I gave to my parents oh so long ago has resurfaced on the internet...damn it!! I knew I should have shredded it...that whole thing about items posted on the internet coming back to haunt you is SO true!
~WM
Good thing I am not reading this in a tub otherwise I would totally break #4.
It's itemized. That means it's true.
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