From: Your LOVING demon spawn (the oxymoron of the century)
Re: Past memos
We are tired of listening to you bellow, "Who forgot to turn the lights off? Did I miss the memo saying that electricity is now free?" and "Why can't you all clean up after yourselves? Did I miss the memo saying that I'm your personal maid?"
We hate to be the bearers of bad news (yeah, right...it's what we live for, actually) but yes, in fact, you have missed a whole lotta memos around here recently.
Since you continue to claim that pregnancy has cost you most of your brain cells and you don't recall receiving the memos, we thought it would be helpful if we sent you a not-so-gentle reminder.
1) As you've already guessed, electricity is now free. So stop your moaning and groaning when we leave a couple lights on after we leave a room or leave the television on when we're not watching it. How do we know it's free? Because there's no swipie thingie for your debit or credit card next to the on/off switches...duh.
2) The kitchen hours have changed....it is now open round the clock, 24/7. If we're thirsty at 3:00 am, we can walk downstairs and get ourselves a glass of juice. It's no big deal if we spill it all over the floor because you need to clean the floor anyway, for the 5th time in one week.
What? The fridge was left open all night long? No worries...electricity is free, remember? And all that food that went bad during those 5 hours...we were just gonna waste it anyway.
3) For those of us who still have baby teeth, eating candy is no longer a big deal. Furthermore, there's no need to brush twice a day because baby teeth fall out anyway so why bother to take care of them. The Tooth Fairy even said so. See....
I'm the Tooth Fairy and I approve this memo.
4) Peeing in the tub during bath time is acceptable. In fact, it always has been cool to empty our bladders in the tub but parents everywhere started rebelling, saying we might get dysentery and keel over in the middle of soccer practice so we had to put an end to it.
However, since it's a known fact that OUR time is more precious than YOUR time, we will be re-implementing this rule. You know, pee in the tub while bathing ourselves....kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
If it makes you feel any better, human pee actually isn't harmful if consumed...it's only yellow-tinged water, after all. Now, if we're talking about pooping in the tub...that's a whole 'nother issue. Even we have our standards, believe it or not.
5) The studies showing that television is bad for children is a crock. It has recently been discovered by a random group of kindergarteners (all 2 of us) that children get into LESS trouble and mothers pull out LESS of their own hair when we're being entertained by the
6) The phrases "because I said so", "because I'm the parent here, not you", "use your inside voice" and "use walking feet" have been abolished from the human language. Enough said...
7) R.E.S.P.E.C.T. If you want us to listen to you, then you need to listen to us. No more saying, "uh-huh" while you keep your head buried in your People magazine when we're telling you for the 3rd time that day about the gnarliest greenish-brown booger that Sam pulled out of his nose during share time in class. Surely, that's more entertaining than Heidi Montag's 4th nose-job or the most shocking scandal ever to happen in Bachelor history (again).
We know you're NOT listening...we're mischievous and somewhat evil, not stupid.
8) An apple a day keeps the doctor away...that now applies to parents, as well as children. No more piling fruits and veggies a mile high on our plates while you scarf down oreos and donuts at every meal. For someone who claims to be healthy, the junk in your trunk and the jiggle in your middle indicates otherwise.
9) Share and share alike...isn't that what you always say? It goes both ways...you now need to share YOUR things with us, including but not limited to, your make-up (yes, the eyelash curler and the mascara are on that list), adult scissors (we'll give a whole new meaning to the term "running with scissors" and it'll be downright scary), your brand new laptop, the keys to the mini-van, your digital camera, all 10 tv remotes, and Daddy's endless supply of Dr. Pepper which you keep hidden in the garage. Let the good times roll...
Thank you for your cooperation. If you would like to dispute any of the items included in this memo, you can suck it.
We reserve the right to change these rules any ole' time we please...simply because we can.