I can't help it. I'm addicted to reality shows. One of them happens to be The Bachelor. I love to laugh when the girls start sobbing, as they're telling Jake their sad stories of love gone wrong...or how the other girls in the house are mistreating them ("They're all just jealous because I play the role of 'selfish bitch' so well".) Hey, I'm pure evil...what can I say?
But this past week's show left me laughing so hard that I might have peed in my pants. No, cancel that. I actually DID pee in my pants, but only a little bit...it's just one of those left-over perks from being pregnant with twins. I thank my kids every day for leaving me the gift that lasts forever.
So, getting back to The Bachelor, Jake went on several different dates with the women who are left. On those dates, he asked each girl what their expectations were of marriage and what they were looking for in a husband. In turn, they wanted to know what he was looking for in a lifelong partner.
What viewers were treated to were the typical boring answers most people give one another when asked these questions. You know, like honesty, loyalty and a love so passionate it will stand the test of time.
Excuse me while I puke.
Okay, I'm back. There's really nothing wrong with those answers except for the fact that not every single man is completely honest. Some of them tend to hold back the entire truth out of fear that it might scare off the potential lifetime partner...who's probably the one woman who is way out of his league.
Anyway, at one point during the show, Jake told one of the girls, "My wife will be the last woman I ever look at". Oh geez, hold on a minute...yep, peed in my pants a little bit again.
Alright, so do you see the problem with that statement? He's not being entirely truthful. Any woman who has experience with men should know full well that a statement like that is complete bullshit.
What Jake meant to say was, "My wife will be the last woman I ever look at....unless the neighbor across the street has a sweet Southern drawl, humongous double-D boobs, and a tight ass, to boot. Then all bets are off."
Here are some more examples of what some men say they want in a potential marital partner and what they should say, IF they're being completely honest.
"I want open communication....unless we don't agree on something. Then it's my way or the highway."
"I'm looking for honesty in a partner....unless, of course, she doesn't like my best friend. Then she should just keep her mouth shut. And she should never make me choose between her or the best friend because she won't like the answer."
"I will always be faithful....unless she's been denying me sex and the perfect opportunity presents itself, more than likely, on a conveniently-timed business trip."
"I want someone who shares my religious beliefs....you know, we both believe that I am God."
"I want my wife to be my best friend...unless, of course, she starts interfering with my Wednesday night drunk-fests at the strip club with my other best friend, Mike."
"Inner beauty is what's most important...unless she gains 500 pounds or suddenly needs to borrow my razor to shave off the little stray hairs sprouting from her chin."
"I want to marry someone who loves to travel...the 3000-mile trip across the country to visit mummy at every holiday, including the 4th of July and Mother's Day, of course."
"I want a woman who is open-minded and not afraid to share her true feelings...and doesn't mind if I sob laboriously on her shoulder every time we watch Steel Magnolias or Tears of Endearment."
"I'm looking for a partner who can laugh at the little things in life....unless it's my 3-inch penis, which tends to bend a little too much to the left, that she finds so humorous."
"I want to marry a girl who has a big heart...and big boobs. However, a girl who has a big ass is unacceptable. No can do."
"I'm looking for someone who shares my love of children...and won't mind raising my demon spawn virtually on her own while I go off to work all week and then go play golf with my buddies on the weekend."
"I want a partner who's kind, polite and has good manners...but she shouldn't expect the same from me because I am a man, after all, and burping and farting are the highlights of my day. And I prefer a partner who will clap and cheer when I finally accomplish the abstract art of burping the entire alphabet."
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