Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The WHOLE truth about what men really want in a marital partner...

I can't help it. I'm addicted to reality shows. One of them happens to be The Bachelor. I love to laugh when the girls start sobbing, as they're telling Jake their sad stories of love gone wrong...or how the other girls in the house are mistreating them ("They're all just jealous because I play the role of 'selfish bitch' so well".) Hey, I'm pure evil...what can I say?

But this past week's show left me laughing so hard that I might have peed in my pants. No, cancel that. I actually DID pee in my pants, but only a little bit...it's just one of those left-over perks from being pregnant with twins. I thank my kids every day for leaving me the gift that lasts forever.

So, getting back to The Bachelor, Jake went on several different dates with the women who are left. On those dates, he asked each girl what their expectations were of marriage and what they were looking for in a husband. In turn, they wanted to know what he was looking for in a lifelong partner.

What viewers were treated to were the typical boring answers most people give one another when asked these questions. You know, like honesty, loyalty and a love so passionate it will stand the test of time.

Excuse me while I puke.

Okay, I'm back. There's really nothing wrong with those answers except for the fact that not every single man is completely honest. Some of them tend to hold back the entire truth out of fear that it might scare off the potential lifetime partner...who's probably the one woman who is way out of his league.

Anyway, at one point during the show, Jake told one of the girls, "My wife will be the last woman I ever look at". Oh geez, hold on a minute...yep, peed in my pants a little bit again.

Alright, so do you see the problem with that statement? He's not being entirely truthful. Any woman who has experience with men should know full well that a statement like that is complete bullshit.

What Jake meant to say was, "My wife will be the last woman I ever look at....unless the neighbor across the street has a sweet Southern drawl, humongous double-D boobs, and a tight ass, to boot. Then all bets are off."

Here are some more examples of what some men say they want in a potential marital partner and what they should say, IF they're being completely honest.

"I want open communication....unless we don't agree on something. Then it's my way or the highway."

"I'm looking for honesty in a partner....unless, of course, she doesn't like my best friend. Then she should just keep her mouth shut. And she should never make me choose between her or the best friend because she won't like the answer."

"I will always be faithful....unless she's been denying me sex and the perfect opportunity presents itself, more than likely, on a conveniently-timed business trip."

"I want someone who shares my religious beliefs....you know, we both believe that I am God."

"I want my wife to be my best friend...unless, of course, she starts interfering with my Wednesday night drunk-fests at the strip club with my other best friend, Mike."

"Inner beauty is what's most important...unless she gains 500 pounds or suddenly needs to borrow my razor to shave off the little stray hairs sprouting from her chin."

"I want to marry someone who loves to travel...the 3000-mile trip across the country to visit mummy at every holiday, including the 4th of July and Mother's Day, of course."

"I want a woman who is open-minded and not afraid to share her true feelings...and doesn't mind if I sob laboriously on her shoulder every time we watch Steel Magnolias or Tears of Endearment."

"I'm looking for a partner who can laugh at the little things in life....unless it's my 3-inch penis, which tends to bend a little too much to the left, that she finds so humorous."

"I want to marry a girl who has a big heart...and big boobs. However, a girl who has a big ass is unacceptable. No can do."

"I'm looking for someone who shares my love of children...and won't mind raising my demon spawn virtually on her own while I go off to work all week and then go play golf with my buddies on the weekend."

"I want a partner who's kind, polite and has good manners...but she shouldn't expect the same from me because I am a man, after all, and burping and farting are the highlights of my day. And I prefer a partner who will clap and cheer when I finally accomplish the abstract art of burping the entire alphabet."

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66 comments:

Mercy said...

Yep, that sounds just about right.

Buckeroomama said...

*Snort* I love your lists, Helene!!

The Bachelor sounds like the kind of show that I might (secretly!) want to watch! :) I don't even know if we get it here...

Merri Ann said...

I think that list is a good reason to go to the all girl side. Wonder what that list would look like.

I think I'll forward a link to this list to my brother ... I'm doing everything I can to freak him out about his upcoming wedding ...

You come up with the greatest lists ... thanks for the laugh this morning.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You put a spin on Bachelor posts like no other! I love it!

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

You made his answer here a whole lot more interesting!

Neo said...

i dont know why people still go on the bachelor, i mean didnt they watch the previous ones. the guy is goin to lie to all of u, pick one at the end of the day and then leave her for a hot Israeli model.

lol at raising demon spawn!

Creative Junkie said...

*clap clap clap clap clap clap clap*

You've pretty much got it, spot on. Although this:

"I want someone who shares my religious beliefs....you know, we both believe that I am God."

That one is priceless.

BigSis said...

And, again, I am reminded why I am single.

This Daddy said...

Helene, I am laughing my ass off this morning because as a husband and all man, you have this so correct. Funny and True. And to think we still find women crazy enough to marry us

Booklover1212 said...

Just this season, The Bachelor has become my secret little indulgence. I had to laugh at the penis part on your list...

But here...

"My wife will be the last woman I ever look at"

You peed...I almost threw up in my mouth a little bit. I just wanted to smack him across the head!

Thanks for the laugh this morning!

~ Jennifer
http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com

Nobodys Nothings said...

oh, so true. i don't watch the bachelor, but maybe i should tivo it for when i need a good laugh, or i start to feel selfish for wanting some alone time.

Brooke said...

does it make me a bad wife if i've considered poking jay's eyes out so he never looks at another woman?

not that i've considered it. just thinking hypothetically here.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Oh Helene that was priceless!!!!

My husband and I used to watch the Bachelor and mock it and laugh too.

We have actually decided to renew our wedding vows at year 10 and then write our own vows - like :

I promise to love, honor and take out the garbage at least 2 times a week.


I promise to be honest unless you get a really bad haircut, then I will keep quiet.

Have a great day!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Helene, so true. Thanks for my daily dose of good laugh!!. I badly needed this today.
Love to ya!
Betty

Eva Gallant said...

I love watching the bachelor almost as much as I love your list! The shared religius beliefs reminded me so much of my ex-husband!11 lol

Twins Squared said...

Thanks for keepin it real! :) I watched that yesterday too and the thing I caught was how Vienna wants to wake up in love every day for the rest of her life and I thought well she's going to be sorely disappointed when the reality of life sets in and it all fades. Love my hubby but after 11 years it is not exactly like it was in the beginning, ya know?

The Mother said...

The Madonna-Whore dichotomy has been bugging social scientists and psychologists for centuries.

And women for millennia.

Em said...

I just finished watching this week's episode - your list is perfect!

"The last girl I'm going to look at" - ugh. Run away from the man who ends a lie with a preposition.

Corrie - you're a very, very lucky girl.

Kimberly said...

Great summation. I don't watch any reality shows, but I liked how you summed it all up here.

Valerie said...

Hello sweet friend!

First off, thank you sooooo much for you kind words of congrats regarding Baby #3. And no, I can't hardly believe that us infertile ones have actually been able to conceive w/o the help of the medical community...who knew?!!! LOL

Second, love the list! So true, so true...he didn't really say that on The Bachelor? Any chick that hears that should RUN not walk out the door! Liar!

Hope all is going well. Did you have any morning sickness with the twins or is that like asking if fish need water? I have been so very sick, but am finally on the mend...better living thru pharmaceuticals is my new mantra!!!

Take care,
Val

JennyMac said...

Brooke's comment made me laugh out loud too. And don't hate me bc I dont watch the Bachelor. LOL.

LMJ said...

LMAO!!!!
Oh my gosh!! I was watching it last week, and I thought about how phony they all sounded trying to be like they want honesty, loyalty, and all that "crap."

So true! Great Post!

kp said...

LMBO!! I love your realistic, dry wit. Awesomeness.

Tsquared417 said...

Perfect post!!!

Paula @ Organizing Tips For Moms said...

So much truth!

LucidLilith said...

Bullseye. Real life is messy not tied up in a cute box with cute ribbon.

Kristina P. said...

Jake would NEVER want those things. He's PERFECT!! Swoon. Blech.

cindi said...

Hahaha...I gave this show up long ago. I'm allergic to plastic boobs and botoxed foreheads.

The Lane Family said...

First off Helene, I hear you on the "pee in your pants" thing it is such a wonderful gift that our children gave us :)

I too am "Secretly addicted to the Bachelor. I know it hardly ever works out and they live in a bubble world but it is fun to watch. Besides wouldn't we all like a date sometimes like the ones they get to go on??

I also laugh a lot at the girls and their reactions and their expectations they are so darn funny!!

Jen said...

I am pretty sure that you hit the nail on the head with this one. LOL

Simply Complex said...

I'm not actually one to make fun of people, but Viennas Rose Ceremony hair made her look like a drag queen,eh?

Oh, and I can't believe you left off Jakes other comment in regards to Corries virginity- "It's not about sex appeal, it's about heart appeal." *gag* *barf*

HT said...

What is up with this "Spanish Inquisition" methodology followed by people dating these days? E.g. "What you are looking for in a partner"

The last time someone asked me this question on a date way back when, the answer that flashed through my mind was: "A guy that does not have to ask me what I look for in a partner."

The words that came from my mouth at the end of the date was: "Don't call me. I will call you."

Me-Me King said...

I watch The Bachelor too. You are right...excuse me while I puke. Now for the real fun, enter the parents. Wooo-hooo!!!

Oh, I found you through Erin at The Mother Load, so glad I did. See ya later.

yonca said...

I watch Bachelor sometimes.Lol, it is fun!

Sonora said...

Hahahahaha! I could not have said this any better. Amen to everything on your list!
I also was laughing and shaking my head during the bachelor (I don't know why, but I can't help watching it). I specifically remember saying out loud "Yeah, right" when he made that statement about never looking at another woman.
Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it!

Myne Whitman said...

That was hilarious and yeah, I'm addicted to the Bachelor too. That phrase from Jake was just so corny. Dude, you won't go blind cos you're married! Sheesh...lol...

WhisperingWriter said...

I love all your comments. So true. For some reason I don't like Jake. He seems like a nice guy but...sometimes seems off.

Next week should be a good show. I guess someone leaves?!

Nezzy said...

You have the ability to hit the ball plum out of the park and keep us in stitches as you do it. Heeeheeeheeh! I've gotta run...or change my bloomers!!!

God bless and have a fabulous day!!!

Tiffany said...

Oh my gosh, I love you and your blog. If I need a good chuckle all I have to do is come here.

~triplets+3~in real life ~ said...

I am laughing so hard.. I peed my pants too!

Are you sure you haven't met MY husband.. because you just described him perfectly! ;D

Mrsbear said...

You've a keen understanding of the male psyche, my friend. I love it. The thing about the penis banking to the left. Well, I peed my pants just a little.

Shell said...

I think those all describe my husband. ESPECIALLY those last two.

I laughed at the Bachelor saying he'd never look at any other woman. Then I'd have to feel guilty when I drooled over some serious male eye candy. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking, as long as you don't do anything about it!

Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma said...

You are so much classier than me! I live on VH1 reality dating shows, lol! Trashy is my thing!

M husband definitely leaves me to watch the demon spawn and then wonders why I am so outta there when he gets home. A mom can only say "stop doing that!" and "do you need to go to time out?" so many times before you explode!

MamaOtwins+1 said...

IT's a twin thing
'cause I peed at the "unless the neighbor across the street.." statement

Laura said...

YOU'RE making ME pee in my pants!!

Teri said...

Oh this was funny. If I knew who inspiring the Bachelor was to blog posts maybe I'd watch it!! :)

G-Zell said...

I am soo addicted to the bachelor.. me too i enjoy laughing at the girls all crying and stuff .. I am in love with the dude alright!

Yep you summed that all right!. You are going to me though if I see a hot dude with pecs to die for walk by me I am going to shut my eyes--um hell no! Not happened... I am not blind and I like to enjoy the scenery....

Totally for me if my man hates my bff well I don't want to hear it he can go complain to his buddies...

I can't wait for next week.

Oh ya and Vienna's answer ok gag in mouth I want us to be like 6 year olds.. huh? wtf? like 6 year olds............LOL

Robin said...

Oh shit..well said...I think I better start watching because I need some more comedy in my life..!I dont think I was ever a woman who wouldve fell for that shit..?? You get the thumbs up for reading between the lines..!

Alicia said...

I still can't believe those women on there sometimes. It's so pitiful!

shortmama said...

Yeah you nailed it!

Tracie said...

*clapping wildly*

Brillz!

Megan said...

Ha ha ha!!! It looks like your humor blogging mojo is back in full force b/c this was hilarious! Loved it!

Erin said...

Standing ovation! You said it, Helene!

This is one reason I don't watch the Bachelor (which is not to say I don't watch a fair amount of other crap/reality tv). Men are stupid.

D said...

You know,Helene, sometimes you make me so thrilled I'm single.

Marianne said...

haha, love the one about the 3 inch penis... when and if i get married, i'm sure the rest will be even more funny to me. based on my parent's relationship, sounds like you nailed it.


but, my question is, why is Jake posing like Mr. Clean in that picture? If he was bald, the resemblance would be uncanny. He looks like such a dweeb. An attractive dweeb with lovely arms and sexy dimples, but a dweeb nonetheless.

wife.mom.nurse said...

oh my! so true that i peed my pants too.

Thanks for an awesome belly laugh :)

tattytiara said...

"My wife will be the last woman I ever look at"

She'd at least be better off with a guy who was bald faced lying about that than a guy who was actually so monumentally lacking in self awareness that he actually believed that!

debi9kids said...

LOL! And now I get to return the laughs at your list :) LOVE it (and LOVE the Bachelor!)

have to add... peeing in your pants after having twins...it's the gift that keeps on giving. good times!

Clueless_Mama said...

I LOVE the Bachelor too. This has been the best season so far in my opinion. I so told my husband the same thing when he said that about "the last woman I will look at!" Hell, what man doesn't look twice at a gal with big DD's? That line made me lose a little faith in him. Oh and when he told Gia I didn't have special moments like I do with you. OH PLEASE!!

Deb said...

Loved this post! You always have something witty and interesting to say. Thanks for the good laugh today!

Buttons and Bows said...

Your take on the Bachelor made me laugh, I do not think I will take any of their comments as truth ever again.
Such a funny article.



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Corrie Howe said...

Love the "loves to travel...to mummy for every holiday. It took two years to break my husband of that. It was rather interesting since he'd left home for the Navy 21 years prior.

Corrie Howe said...

P.S. It was his mom who helped me with this. She suggested that we come in the summertime when we could actually leave the house instead of Christmas when the area was covered in two feet of snow.

B Sparkly said...

Stopping by from friday follow and now i'm your follower. Just like you i just love me some reality tv, i just can't stop. I call it mindless entertainment you don't need to many brain cells to get it:)As for The Bachelor its like a good train wreck you just can't stop looking. Are they for real?!
Anat

Jennifer said...

YUP YOU NAILED IT GIRLY! You should so publish this and make millions cause ur right on the $ honey!

Heather B said...

If The Bachelor were more like your post I'd actually watch it! Thanks for the giggle:)

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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