Thursday, March 25, 2010

My husband is so....

...naive. I use the word naive because I think it sounds much better than, well....insensitive. I've been trying to convince myself from the moment we met that he honestly just doesn't know any better...or at the very least, how to be tactful.

Need some examples?

-- When I was in true labor with Cole and Bella, he sat across from my hospital bed eating a hot meatball sandwich from Subway...all the while I'm writhing in pain with each agonizing contraction, my sister is trying to help me focus on breathing and my brother-in-law is attempting to convince me that the pain is only temporary.

Tim swears even to this day that he had NO idea I was in THAT much pain. Apparently, I was supposed to make a formal announcement to let him know that my insides were being tortured as my body prepared to give life to HIS children.

-- He never believes me when it comes to dangerous situations. I know danger when I see it, trust me. I lived in Miami for a few years.

Remember the whole "psycho killer" debacle, where I was absolutely convinced that there was an ax murderer outside of our house, playing with the breakers and he wouldn't believe me....until we had solid proof of it.

And the time he left one of the kids at the top of a waterfall all by herself, where she had to fend off hungry vultures and angry mountain lions.




Okay, so there weren't any mountain lions or vultures but there COULD HAVE been...and that was my point.

-- When preparing our taxes last year, he claimed to have never realized that my middle name was Jan. Oh, but wait...it gets worse. He also claimed he didn't know I had been born in New Hampshire.

I punished him by challenging him to a test where he had to answer questions about how well he knew me. He passed....barely.

Actually, maybe this particular example has less to do with naivete and has more to do with POOR listening skills.

-- He had no first date etiquette whatsoever. People, I'm not kidding when I tell you this and please feel free to shake your head and exclaim, "Oh no, he didn't!" when you read this.

The first time we met was on a blind date at Chili's. He ordered the chicken fried chicken, which was one of his all-time favorite meals. Immediately after cutting up his chicken, the dude licked the gravy off his knife. Let me repeat again...HE LICKED THE GRAVY OFF HIS FREAKIN KNIFE!! I mean, who does that...especially on a FIRST date?!

It was almost an instant deal breaker.

However, he agreed to add, "And I promise to never, ever lick any of my utensils at the dinner table again so long as we both shall live" to his wedding vows.

Okay, that last part isn't really true but now that I think about it, I should've had him make that promise because his poor table etiquette still continues to this very day.

Want to share something about your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or parter in crime...link up with Deb at Menopausal Mom and/or Lee at Headaches, Hormones and Hotflashes for "My husband is so...."

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64 comments:

Rebecca said...

Naive is a VERY nice was to describe him! Haha...that picture is ridiculous. If someone had been eating a meatball sub anywhere near me on the day of the twins' birth, I would have ripped them apart limb from limb...I was so freaking hungry! That just isn't right? Hasn't he ever watched A Baby Story?

Menopausal New Mom said...

Helene, loved the post!!!! Thanks so much for playing along with us :)

Well, talk about licking utensils, I forgot about the time (yes, this happened BEFORE I married my husband) we were in a restaurant eating soup with a couple who were my friends HE HAD JUST MET, he helps himself to the big steaming bowl in the middle of the table, fills his bowl and puts the ENTIRE ladle (less handle of course) in his mouth to lick it - NO KIDDING, yes, this one will definitely get to be a post on its own Lol!!

About the waterfall, I think I would have F-R-E-A-K-E-D!!!!!!!!

Simply Complex said...

I love my husband, and men in general, but geesh, I wish their brains worked a little more like ours. It is hard to understand sometimes how someone you know is smart can act so seemingly stupid!

Kelly said...

I'm right there with you! I don't think my husband has a filter between his mouth and his brain. He is more than a little insensitive at times and I truly believe he has no idea he's doing it!

singedwingangel said...

Ok now I have to go make one cause your post reminded me of my hubby's naievete although he really was kinda backwards..

The Boob Nazi said...

I have no first date etiquette either, so I can't really say anything.

Carly said...

This was very funny Post:) Love the waterfall picture. Made me laugh so hard. Does Tim read your blog? What does he think when he reads this funny,yet true post?

Laura said...

The waterfall picture could have been my Sparky with the little kids. I swear he just thinks they'll figure it out.

Merri Ann said...

And still ... WE MARRY THEM !!!

What does that say about us ??


;p

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

My sister called me the morning on her way to work and I made her morning by reading your post to her. She laughed as much as I did.
I loved this post. You crack me up! :) You definitely made my sister and my morning!

Brooke said...

"Oh no, he didn't!"

:P

jay just ordered burgers for the first few days b/c his didn't know ettiquet and prefered to just avoid it and eat with his hands.

Valerie said...

As always, hilarious!!!

Hope all is going well.

And I thought I married the last naive husband on the face of the earth? No?

Your right. He's not naive. He's a FIREMAN! LOL

Take care,
Val

Eva Gallant said...

And you married him anyway? lol

Sadia said...

My coworker Rick said he did the same thing with food and the birth of his first child. He claims it has no connection to his no longer being married to that wife. :)

To be fair, he's a wonderful father.

MamaHen Em said...

I love the use of the word naive. :) That will now be the word I use to describe my husband who left me his car yesterday and when I took it to get groceries, it RAN OUT OF GAS. With the kids in the car. I used words like thoughtless and stupid, but niave is so much nicer!

Nezzy said...

Naive....very diplomatic Helene! The picture you paint in my mine of Bella's and Cole's birth just makes me roll....the meatball sandwich...'didn't realize you were in THAT much pain.' Glory your funny girl! Great read, as usual.

Have a fun day filled with many great blessings!!!

This Daddy said...

Man I swear Tim and I are long lost brothers. When T was sitting in the bed waiting to push out #4, I sat in a chair with all kinds of food. Was his sub toasted on wheat? Does it matter if we even know our wives middle names as long as we do what we are told? It is ok to lick a butter knife? And if you lived in Miami, then you can handle yourself against the voltures and mountain lions. You are so lucky to have Tim.

christy rose said...

Naive is a very good word I would say!! LOL I had to click on the picture to enlarge it to see how naive he actually is! LOL You should be able to use that picture as a guilt trip anytime you want for as long as your children are little! :) Too funny!

Eve said...

Ahh I feel for you sister. My man is similar. The WTF picture made me laugh because that's something my Husband has done too. Something just doesn't click.

Jenny said...

LOL that he didn't know your middle name! That sounds like something my husband would say. He is so bad with names!

Seriously, my husband doesn't even call me Jenny. I hardly ever hear him say my name. He just starts talking and then wonders why I didn't catch the first part.

Samantha said...

A meat ball sub...lol, that made me laugh...

Your hubby sounds like mine.

Oye. Makes you wonder sometimes why you even got married... :)

Kristi said...

That is too funny!! Oh man, there must have been something in the way he licked that knife that suckered you in, come on, you must have liked it just a little bit ;)

That really is funny and he should have included that in his vows. And the delivery room story, priceless. Meatball sub with you contracting away. My hubby decided the best time to sleep would be when my contractions were the worst. They really don't get it do they?

Very entertaining post once again!

Shell said...

That's hilarious! OMG. The sandwich while you were in labor!

Mine asked if it was okay if he took a shower first before going to the hospital when I was in labor. Hard labor. Got there fully dialated. But, he wanted to shower. He claims not to remember this.

Stephanie Faris said...

Naive is a good word for it! To his credit, though, I've never had a baby and I can't begin to relate to the pain a woman goes through in childbirth. I'd say none of us really get it until it happens.

WhisperingWriter said...

Your husband reminds me of mine.

He didn't eat while I was in labor but when he saw the contractions on the computer screen go up he announced it. He was all, "Wow that was a big one!" and I wanted to hurl my ice chips at him.

Megan said...

Hee hee hee!!!!!!!!! I am DYING at that picture! Mostly at your perez hilton markings on it. LOL

And OMG, the meatball sub! I totally want to meet your husband. You guys must be a riot together. One, because you are hilarious. And two, because he continues to give you such good material. :-)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am so glad you played!! WOO HOO!

Ms Bibi said...

I think I should give a test to my hubs and see how really clueless he is,lol. Lucky for him I don't have a middle name, but maybe he thinks I do....you never know,men.

D said...

A meatball sub? You know what? If someone does that to me and I'm giving birth to his kids the meatballs would've been the only balls he had left when I was done with him!

Mrsbear said...

I would've fuh-reaked at the waterfall. When we went to the Smoky Mountains the kids were at the edge of a rock looking down on a rough and deep waterfall, I just about had a panic attack certain one of them would trip and get sucked under never to be seen again. Yes, my kids inherited my klutz genes.

I'll stop licking my utensils at the table, now that I can't feign ignorance...whoops.

Living It, Loving It said...

I was laughing so hard and my "NAIVE" husband asked why. When I told him, he told me that it wasn't that funny. :( Men are all "NAIVE."

Alyssa said...

I wanna play too... LOVE this post and your blog. VERY glad I found you.

Marianne said...

HAHAHA. Oh God. I would have died. If I wasn't so embarrassed about my obsession with table etiquette, I'd totally clue y'all in, but that's not happening anytime soon.

I went on a date one time where the guy, I kid you not, at with his fingers. He picked food off of my plate with his fingers. And if that wasn't bad enough, he then made the nastiest sound as he licked the sauce off of each and every single finger on both of his hands. And not just licked, he put the whole damn finger in his mouth and pursed his lips around the finger and pulled it out, so it made a smacking noise. At P.F. Changs. I wanted to vomit. No, actually, I wanted to run to my car as fast as possible.

And yet, he's one of my best friends now. We just don't eat together.

Rhaven said...

HAHAHAHA! I swear I am NOT laughing at you but in sympathy. My husband is the same way in some aspects. It might not help too much, but I hope it helps knowing you are most definitely NOT alone.

Side not, I need to make a test for my husband now....

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

He licked his knife!? THat is AWESOME!! Keeper! It means he was comfortable with you already!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

He licked his knife!? THat is AWESOME!! Keeper! It means he was comfortable with you already!

Mommie Daze said...

Hmmm, now I want to go give my husband a test.

Marianne said...

I also meant to say... you can't blame Tim too much for the waterfall incident... I mean, you were the one that hung out at the bottom and took the picture hahahaha. Who am I kidding, I totally would've done the same thing! Can't pass up a great photo op ;)

She does look kind of scared up there though.

Clueless_Mama said...

That is too funny. I love the waterfall picture. I would have killed him for that one.

Sharlene said...

I don't understand how there can be that many men that don't understand the pain involved in childrearing. Do they not watch tv? Have they not thought about a watermelon being squeezed out of a lemon? Ugh!!!!

KK said...

I think 99% of husbands' problems are listening in nature!

Tropical Mum said...

That topic is just so fraught with danger for me. I read somewhere that it is best to keep your blog posts not too long, and if I took part in the "My Husband is so...", I think I would shatter that rule into a million pieces. Best to preserve diskspace and my marriage and decline to participate in that one!

Loved yours however...eating a sandwich whilst you were in labour...I can see he likes to live on the edge.

Shelly

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I can't believe he got a second date, much less a wife!
Poor clueless man!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I can't believe he got a second date, much less a wife!
Poor clueless man!

Creative Junkie said...

Unless you want me to write an epic War and Peace comment about issues with my husband, I'll just simply say: I'm going to double check his birth certificate to ensure WTF isn't his middle name.

Krystyn said...

What is it about husbands thinking they are helping their small children learn by leaving them to fend for themselves?

And, wow...he licked the knife and you came back...I would make a joke here, but I shall resist.

Frugal Vicki said...

Okay, seriously, this is too freaking funny. You have to go read my post from yesterday now, because ironically I mentioned you and your hubby. I guess it is true.....we just never know! I would have KILLED my hubby in labor, but I had the one who kept telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me. And didn't tell me about the pooping until I asked!

2wired2tired.com said...

This sounds a lot like my husband! They must be long lost brothers! It does sound like you have a good sense of humor about it though. I just get mad and that's not really any fun.

The Lane Family said...

I think the word "naive" is so kind and could be used for probably a lot of men, but certainly my husband.

The story about when Bella and Cole was born is so typical and funny now that you are not in labor.

Good thing you saw lots of good qualities in him from the start on the first blind date may have been the deal breaker and then you would not have had your cute kids.and a limitless amount of writing materials :)

Lluvia said...

LOL!

My husband eats with his mouth open and sometimes food slips out! It's funny!

But he's wonderful in many other things, so I can live with it.

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

Licking gravy off a utensil on a first date? Deal breaker. All I can say is, after that, like when you were giving birth to his children whilst he ate a meatball sandwich, you already knew what you were gettin' into girl. Good luck with that!

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

By the by, that comment by Big Daddy up there is hysterical. Got to look that guy up.

Hear Mum Roar said...

I read the birth part, and I just think you are very, very, kind and patient to use the word naive. More power to you!

kanishk said...

That is too funny. I love the waterfall picture. I would have killed him for that one.
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Mighty M said...

Yep, naive's the word. Perfect. My husband's had a few naive moments of his own. No meatball subs at the hospital though. :)

The Blue Zoo said...

Gosh! I didnt know there were other men out there who were as clueless as mine!! I dont feel quite so alone now.. =)

Mommy Fashionista said...

"Naive" is very generous of you. I could have written the same post. :)

When did I become my Mom said...

I actually read the knife licking part to my husband and he is cracking up. Aww u gotta love him - he's as real as they come!

wife.mom.nurse said...

Ha!

OMG...naive. you are one sweet wife :)

I love that he still claims not to know you were in that much pain...classic!

Liza said...

Just found your blog from ThetaMom! GREAT post about your hubby. Mine is very similar. After having hernia surgery and being stuck in our recliner for about 2 weeks, he'd pad his way into the kitchen and come back with a SANDWICH. For HIM. Having never even asked if I wanted so much as WATER.

Currently, I'm 7 months pregnant (NOT with twins!) and can totally see him eating a meatball sub. But don't tell him I said that! He'd pout about it. (don't tell him that, either)

Charlene said...

I have an early Easter gift for you, come check it out on my blog!

http://adventures-in-mommy-land.blogspot.com/

GlowinGirl said...

Hi, I saw you on Theta Mom as the featured blogger. :) She's being featured on SITS today, and that's how I stopped by her blog and joined in on the community.

Your blog is beautiful! Love your header, and your husband . . . so sweetly Naive! lol

Complicated Mama said...

Congrats on your TMC Feature!...

I just wrote a post about the crazy tactless things people say and your post just reminded me of one I forgot--- that my husband actually said this weekend.

I came down strutting in what I felt were sexy boots... and asked my husband what he thought and he said -- go for the flat boots-- you look uncomfortable walking in those.

(OOUCH! that hurt.)

PS- love the wedding vows

Erin said...

Helene,

Can you tell I'm playing catch up in BlogLand today? Sorry I've been away....

I think it's so funny he claimed not to know your middle name was Jan...and where you were born. WTH?!!?! Husbands are so dumb sometimes.

Fun post today!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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