Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My 10 things....

One of my buddies, Robin at Insights and Belly Laughs, wrote a fun blog post a couple weeks ago revealing 10 things about herself. I loved it and asked if she'd mind if I "borrowed" the idea. So here goes...

1) I have been married once before. It's what I refer to as my "trial run at marriage".

I met the ex at a dance club/bar. He proposed on the spur of the moment one night after we had been dating only a few months and he actually gave me an "engagement ring" he had made out of a dollar bill...

...which he took from me later so he could buy nachos from Taco Bell.

I'm pretty sure that was the wake-up call God was trying to send me...the ONE call I obviously missed.

2) Here's something that really irks me...when I swallow a pill and it gets stuck in my throat where it begins to disinigrate.

3) When it comes to my kids, I tend to panic over every little thing.

Like the time when Cole was a toddler and he ate a purple crayon, unbeknownst to me of course. As soon as I saw purple poop in his diaper, I called Poison Control and started screaming something like, "Oh My God...my kid's poop is purple! Should I take him to the emergency room? Oh My God, I don't even think I remember how to do CPR!"

Or the time when I gave Cole a dose of Benadryl and then Tim gave him another dose 10 minutes later, thinking it was Bella who I had given the medicine to.

I called Poison Control, sobbing something to the effect of, "My husband and I just overdosed our son on Benadryl. Is he gonna be okay? I'm so frazzled and sleep-deprived all the time. I probably just killed him, didn't I? I totally suck at this parenting stuff".

I wouldn't be surprised if Poison Control greeted me by name the next time I phone in. I can hear them now, "Oh man...who wants to handle this call? Wonder who she killed this time?"

4) It absolutely kills me when my kids mispronounce words. Take, for instance, the word stick. Sounds innocent enough, right?

But then add the fact that Garrett and Landon tend to replace the "st" sound in most words with a "d". It changes the whole context now, doesn't it?

So imagine the hysterics that nearly keeled me over on Monday when I took the kiddos for a walk. Garrett happened to see a big "dick" on the sidewalk and he wanted to hold it. Then of course Landon wanted the "dick" too and he and Garrett fought over who was going to get to hold the "dick".

Garrett screamed, "That's my dick...get your own!" Landon frowned and said, "Mommy, I want a dick, too."

After I helped Landon find a "dick"...a bigger "dick" than Garrett, mind you...they pretended to have a sword fight with their "dicks". And they gleefully laughed while they said things like, "I hit with you my dick...haahaa!" and "Hey, get your dick out of my face!"

Cole and Bella were in a state of confusion...Garrett and Landon continued to wave their "dicks" in each other's faces...and I could barely contain myself, as I had to keep reminding them to keep their "dicks" away from each other's faces before someone lost an eye.

Oh Lordy....good times.

5) I absolutely hated the way my hair looked on my wedding day.

I had been to the stylist earlier that week for a "practice run" and my hair looked amazing...exactly how I wanted it to look!

But the morning of my wedding, something went haywire and it didn't turn out as I expected.

It kind of made me wonder if God was trying to send me another "quick...run...NOW" message but turns out it was just me being vain.

6) I love music, especially songs with a good beat. But I can't dance to save my life. Absolutely no rhythm whatsoever.

7) I was the girl who dreaded changing her clothes in front of other girls while in the locker room during P.E. I would go out of my way to find a private area where no one could see me.

Then infertility slapped me hard in the face...after that, it invited me to check my pride and humility at the door.

At that point, I thought nothing of wearing a paper gown, spreading my legs in front of various medical staff and saying, "Let's get me knocked up, people....game on!"

8) I have an extremely low tolerance for pain. Seriously, I'm a total wimp.

I practically had a meltdown after I was pregnant with Cole and Bella when I realized that they were going to have to come out at some point and it was, more than likely, going to be VERY painful.

And then there was Tim with his ever-constant words of encouragement..."Well, sweetie, it's a little late to consider that NOW, after the fact".

Sure...whatever. Easy for him to say...he wasn't the one who was going to be gutted like a fish as two small human beings were being ripped from his loins.

9) I'm the oldest of 4 siblings. Growing up, my family was so dysfunctional that I often fantasized that Roseanne Barr was my mother and Bea Arthur (Dorothy on Golden Girls) was my grandmother.

10) In a perfect world, I'd spend my days eating asparagus, cherries and crab legs while watching old re-runs of 90210, Roseanne, Golden Girls and Seinfeld.

And my kids would be equipped with a mute button, which I could click on and off with a simple touch of the remote.

I was interviewed today at Say Anything...I'd love it if you'd go check it out!


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77 comments:

singedwingangel said...

Ugh hate the pill thing.. HATE IT and ya notice how it is always the worst tasting pills that get hung there LEECCHH...OH I have had my share of Poison Control calls.

singedwingangel said...

OH yeah whoopsie HA at the stick thing.. I would have been on the gorund laughing till Inearly peed myself.

Acting Balanced Mom said...

luv this idea! The stick story had me lol, and the pill thing irks me too... may I suggest eating banana when that happens... it helps clear the throat...

Donna said...

Aww - what a great way for me to start the day off!!

We have lots of "dicks" here Virginia for the boys to play with! I cannot wait to see the amount of google landings you get for those key words!!

The Bennadryl cracks me up (now that we know everyone is safe) - we did that once too and then I wouldn't let Austin go to sleep at all that night!

I wonder if bad wedding day hair is the norm. Same thing happened to me and my friend. I love the pics from my trial run - I looked so dang good - I threw the dress on and went to the mall for one of those hourly photos places. Wedding day I had some flat "southern bell" curls in the back thing going on. ;-(

Okay, BIG announcement. I found our one difference, I have always been blessed with a gift for shakin my booty! Don't you listen to my grown kids, either. I can still cut a rug! Despite their utter mortification, I dance all day long! Is it wrong that I grin from ear to ear when people tell me I obviously have some "black" in me!

I think Roseanne Barr is da bomb! She obviously loved her kids and took great care of them - with an awesome amount of wit an dlaughter! It is so obvious that you have broken the chain of dyfunctionality. Your kids are getting so many great things from you, too Momma Bear!

Tina... said...

The dicks thing is so freaking funny and Chandler had a little problem with the word truck, which he fondly replaced the tr with a f. Try standing in the toy isle at Walmart with him screaming, "I want that *uck!"

Tina... said...

The dicks thing is so freaking funny and Chandler had a little problem with the word truck, which he fondly replaced the tr with a f. Try standing in the toy isle at Walmart with him screaming, "I want that *uck!"

Tracie said...

As a speech therapist I've become immune to the hysterics of dick talk. Also, lots of kids mispronounce "fork" as The Very Bad Word. I channel my Mommy Takes Xanax persona and carry on. (It's one of the secrets to my long marriage.)

Jenny said...

Urgh, the pill thing. I was taking antibiotics once and it didn't go down all the way. It actually ate through my esophagus and it was so painful!

I wanted to laugh about the dollar bill ring, but that's just sad. I'm glad you have Tim now.

LOL about the "dicks". That would be so funny!

Jen said...

This was awesome. I loved getting to know you better.

And I may have to 'borrow' this too.

Jennifer @ The Toy Box Years said...

Ah yes -- little boys and their "dicks". Unfortunately, the grow up to be big boys who still like to play with "dicks"...

And the pill thing! Yep -- have had that happen. And the occasional time where it doesn't go down and then you can't swallow your water and you feel like you're choking. Fun times!

Great post as always, my friend!

The Boob Nazi said...

Wait, really? The engagement story is real?

Katie said...

Ugh, I hate taking pills, too. I once had some asthma medicine in pill form stuck in my throat for what seemed like an eternity before it finally went down. Yech!

Eva Gallant said...

Girl, you are way too funny! Thanks for sharing those tidbits with us!

S Club Mama said...

Can I join you in your perfect world? I love all of those shows! :)

S Club Mama said...

oh and the "dicks" part - omg I wouldn't have been able to hold in the laughter. When Tristan says lotion it sounds like "oh sh*t"

Twins Squared said...

Married huh? Too bad you're married now - that would make you a perfect candidate to go on the Bachelor!

The Benadryl thing would have completely freaked me out! I am always paranoid I'm going to overdose Kaitlyn. She takes a lot of cough medicines and stuff.

Hair on wedding day - I don't like mine either but my makeup was the worst! The lady forgot blush, used horrible colors that totally washed me out, and talked to me the whole time about her recent divorce!

Oh, I plan to do this sometime too. There was that list of 25 things that went around Facebook. Someday I'm going to put mine on a blog. :) Hope you have a great and uneventful day!

Brooke said...

i pass out like nobody's business at the slightest hint of pain. i'm gonna be great at the child birth thing. :P

Jennifer said...

aHHHH the joys of having lil ones that mi pronounce everything! HAHA! That is wonderful!

Now about this perfect day routine. I almost thought for a min u might be my long lost twin. Asaparagus and crab legs are some of my favorite things along with all those shows too! Except Im allergic to cherries, but its a perfect world right! LOL. BTW Your link within took me to the story about Barbie recycling. My daughter bought that doll with her Bday money around the same time. That was the strangest thing I had ever seen, but my kids yes my daughter and her brother both loved that thing. They played with it for days! HahA. its sooo gross but soooo entertaining.

MamaOtwins+1 said...

You have dicks - we had cocks - instead of clocks.

I've called poison control twice and 911 once (when nathaniel lept backwards out of my arms onto his head). You are so not alone.

And I used to dream Roseanne was my mom too - which is funny because my mom looks a little like her.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

I had a "starter" marriage too! But your is so much funnier - I am going to start calling you Brittany!

Seinfeld - oh Seinfeld. LOVE That show!!!

You know how Elaine would always push someone and yell "get out!" I do that all of the time to Tyler!

Cascia said...

That was so funny! I love the "dick" story. Sometimes my kids mispronounce words but it isn't anything like that.

Thanks for stopping by Healthy Moms!

varunner said...

LOL, love #4. reminds me when my son first learned to say firetruck. Only he left out the iretr part. So he's running down the street after the big red engine shouting..... (you figure it out) ;-)

Shannon said...

I hate when the pill start to dissolve in my mouth...ugh! Love the interview and now am following you! So nice to meet ya!

Nezzy said...

Alpha and Omega baby, from the starter marriage to the kiddie mute button you just made my day. Heeeheheh! I'm rollin' here. Never a dull day, huh?

God bless and have a wonderful Wednesday!!!

Twin-Spiration said...

The "dick" conversation was too friggin funny! Had me laughing out loud! I may borrow this idea too..I love it.
Thanks for the laugh.
www.twin-spiration.com

HT said...

It was great to get to know you a little better.

My kids love saying "hostipal" instead of hospital. It's part of growing up and I know I will love thinking about that when they are bigger and speak "Oh so properly"!

shortmama said...

Oh the dicks is HILARIOUS! My hubs nickname when he was a kid was britches and he didnt mind it until he got older and had younger cousins. They couldnt say the r so they would run up to him in the store shouting "bitches bitches!"

Living It, Loving It said...

It took me awhile to figure out the stick one, but I eventually got there. Wait until they are all grown up and your sanity comes back. I pray for my sanity to come back on a daily basis.

Creative Junkie said...

It's a little disconcerting how many of these I could have written myself! Loved the "st" and "d" one though - can't say we went through that here.

Tabatha said...

oh girl.... the stick "dick" thing i completely understand.. my twins use to try to say horsey... and instead it came out "pussy" so... along the samme lines at your park incident.. we had them saying mommy pleae put me on the "pussy" or pet the "pussy"... oh it was a nightmare when people were around... or a comedy i guess for everyone but me and my X!...

and im right there with ya on teh starter marriage thing..lol but the man did give my my twins and my son...

followin you now.. great stuff. :)

Crazy family of 5 said...

That is funny! Thanks for sharing!! When my husband proposed, my ring wasn't ready yet and he couldn't wait. He gave me a twisty tie. I still have it in my jewlery box and wore it for 2 months!

We live in a Zoo! said...

Lol! I can't say that enough, I'm sure poison control people must have to go through serious special training not to laugh when we mothers call in freaking out. I was once bawling to poison control because my toddler licked a sunscreen stick or like your sons and mine would say "dick". Imagine that conversation, lol!

The Lane Family said...

First off Helene I really enjoyed your interview and it is funny because those are my favorite quotes as well and I have said them many times dealing with infertility, loss of our child, miscarriages and now with my three crazy ones.

I really enjoyed this post as well and I can agree with you on the whole "changing in front of people" I hated that about gym as well and then like you said..you do infertility and IVF and childbirth and the whole thing flies out the window.


We are sisters of a kindred spirit when it comes to the mute button I too long for one of those and I would also like it to have a sleep button function!!

Annie said...

Your list of 10 things is great.

Can imagine the engagement thing? And the pill thing, I hate it and I'm the wrong person to swallow it.

Kristi said...

Have you ever thought about doing stand up?? Your "stick" story had me rolling!! I love coming to your blog. You are the best! So funny, I think I'm in love with you. But don't worry, I'm not a crazy stalker person. I just like to laugh a lot! lol!

Amy W said...

The stick story is way more funny when you have boys. I've never had the privilege, but I'm glad I can laugh at yours! What a hoot!

Stef said...

Those were purely enjoyable to read...though now you got me thinking...

The Mother said...

#1: Be very, very glad you didn't have kids with the guy (that infertility may have been a good thing, after all. Karma?)

#3: Wears off. Trust me. Then you only panic about the really big things (and things get bigger as they get older, too.)

Together We Save said...

I love those shows too!!

Shell said...

This cracked me up and just clinched it for me: we could so hang out irl. LOL

HOA Mgr Lady said...

10) In a perfect world, I'd spend my days eating asparagus, cherries and crab legs while watching old re-runs of 90210, Roseanne, Golden Girls and Seinfeld.

I would like Malted Easter Eggs and a p-nut butter samminch on white bread and milk, sadly or happliy none of which I enjoy post weight loss surgery and watch old re runs of the same shows except replace 90210 with Judge Judy.
hahahaha greta post

Amy said...

What a great a funny way to get to know someone. I did not really like my flowers at my wedding. My little one say under instead of thunder. I loved the shows you would watch. Have a great day..

Mayhem and Moxie said...

Loved, loved this post, Helene. Always so great to get more of an inside scoop on your life.

I also took some time to read your posts from earlier this week concerning Bella. Having met your family in person, it broke my heart that someone could be so heartless with their words. Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom. You really are fantastic in so many different ways.

xo

Genny said...

Fun to read your ten things! :)

Theta Mom said...

Loved getting to know you better!

Rhaven said...

OMG I have tears, literal tears, streaming down my face as I sit here giggling nonstop about #4 and how your kids change words around. Your description was fan freaking tastic and I could totally see this mental image and nearly laughed myself out of my chair. J asked wth was so funny so I tried reading it to him... and couldnt get it all out because I was laughing too hard.

THANK YOU for the belly laughs. Im so glad my kids arent the only ones who do that and Im not the only Mom who has the perverse sense of humor to enjoy Xrated convos with the kids while they have no idea what Im laughing at.

Heather B said...

Ok, the dick thing had me rolling with laughter! Kids are awesome!!! I'm totally with you on the loss of humility. I too was the girl hiding in the locker room. I got pregnant with the help of a fertility doctor and delivered at a teaching hospital for crying out loud! Perhaps payback for hiding in that locker room?? Glad to know a little more about you:)

Kim said...

I'm sure the ex thing isn't hilarious to you, but I definitely got a good laugh out of the taco bell story!

And I love poison control too. They are so calm and reassuring there... it makes you feel like everything is taken care of. I definitely called in a panic one day when my toddler "might" have drank my husband's saline solution. The man just said, "Ma'am, that's basically salt water. He could drink the whole bottle and be okay." Glad to hear I'm not the only one!

Tropical Mum said...

The boys having dick fights cracked me up. I am still smiling, and my face hurts from laughing!

Thanks for commenting on my post today, I feel much better about my lack of inspiration faux pas.

Shelly

Erin said...

I hate the pill thing, too.

ANd I was the same way in high school changing for gym class....so modest...but you're right---infertility treatments change you. It's old hat now!

Loved your 10 things post! I may have to "borrow" as well!

Michelle @ Flying Giggles said...

You have me LMAO. The dicks thing is hilarious! Thanks so much for the laugh!

Missie said...

Pills always get stuck with me but I have an excuse. I have the lapband! LOL

I'm still laughing at the dicks! LMAO!

Nobodys Nothings said...

my son used to mis-pronounce the word "sock". in the supermarket one day, he managed to wiggle out of his sock, and he loudly declared "MAMA! i lost my COCK!" oh yeah, good times.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Loved reading these and am still laughing....Great post

wife.mom.nurse said...

# 1 I like your wedding picture :)

#2 Seriously...nachos

#3 Well, I actually was relieved to hear they both have sticks ;)

#4 I hear you on the modesty out the window thing!

#5 As always...love this post :)

WhisperingWriter said...

Pills always get stuck in my throat. I HATE it.

Ooo I love Roseanne. That show never fails to make me laugh. Only I pretend the show never existed after they got rich. The show isn't as funny after that.

Marianne said...

1130 pm and I'm just now getting around to my computer. Seriously-- anyone who wants to tell me I have no clue what it's like to be a mom would get a giant kick in the ass from me. 14 hours today. FOURTEEN. 35 in 4 days. Which wouldn't be so bad if I could do it from the comfort of my own home or was allowed to go somewhere besides their house with the kids. Mom's don't sit at home all day, why should I? Sorry had to vent--

Anyway-- next email, I want more details about your first marriage haha.

6 & 7 are me to a "t" It still scares me how similar we are. Although, with 7, I still hate changing around girls (I think because I know we all judge each other when we do it) but the gyno trips don't phase me. Weird. But a vag is a vag is a vag to them.

And you already know my love for Roseanne (which I'm watching right now, by the way) and Golden Girls. When we meet, I think we should just do a marathon of the two shows and see how much wine and margaritas we can drink. Sound like a plan?


But the DICK story had me crying I was laughing so hard. HAHAHAHA. My old neighbor's from hell had a 4 year old and she would say "Hey, move the fuck off my ass." Her older siblings knew she couldn't pronounce truck and grass, so they taught her the phrase and she'd run around the yard screaming it at the top of her lungs hahaha.

P.S. I have an uncle named Dick...

*LLUVIA* said...

went through the infertility thing...test after test...yep! It does changes you! But really, I lost all modesty when I was pushing my baby out on her birth day! :D

DysFUNctional Mom said...

When my kids were little, I had Poison Control on speed dial. I used to wonder if after about 3 calls they called Child Protective Services on you?
I absolutely love numbers 9 and 10!

Ms Bibi said...

I can't believe we have so many things in common. From the pill through the dressing room shyness and infertility to eating asparagus and cherries(my backyard is 2 acres of cherry trees). I love Golden Girls and Seinfeld and my hair was awful on my wedding pictures.

The dick story is hilarious, thanks for the chuckle.

Big Mama said...

Wow! I laughed so hard I cried!
Cool blog, I look forward to following!

Omotee! said...

OMG! i cant stop laughing at the "dicks" story, thats so funny!

i'd rather pills than injections, the sight of needles scare me crazy and i still cry (pls laugh all u can, am not ashamed)!

lol at wishing u could mute ur kids. i hope to find motherhood fun too.

thanx for stopping by mine.

Merri Ann said...

Very, very funny. Thanks for the laughs this AM. There is so much here to comment on and I don't have the time ... this blogging bidness is so frustrating at times. Maybe I should use your format to kick start my blogging again ...

Hope you have a good day...

AshleyRaDawn said...

Oh my gosh Helene you had me literally laughin out loud. The part about your boys and their sticks haha thank you for the laugh today!!

I freak out if a pill gets stuck in my throat Im horrible at swallowing pills. They should make them all the size of little kid asprins and then Id be just fine. But I always have to swallow horse pills and they get stuck everytime.

and lol about poision control my daughter swallowed a few things she wasnt supposed to rat poison this was the scariest case, a crayon, a penny, a ball yes a ball.

One time Lexi gave herself a dose of her cough medicine it had already given her she drank half the bottle I was freaked out until morning. All I could do was check on her every 5 minutes all night talk about sleep deprived I was.

Thanks for sharing your blog always brings a smile or a laugh.

Happy Thursday!!

Mercy said...

#4 had me laughing so hard I was afraid I'd wake the kids. Loved it.

Lori said...

I laughed out loud at the dollar bill/taco bell story. sorry, now the failed marriage part, though. And if you get that mute button, you could make a mint!

The Wifey said...

Yay! For the longest time I wasn't able to get to your blog! So glad to see your presence has been restored on my blogroll!

And might I say your layout is pretty spiffy ma'am.

Michelle said...

I wish you were my neighbor! Thanks for the laughs!

Moriah said...

Found you through MBC and now following your blog :)

Have a great Friday!

http://josiahsnest.com

Desiree said...

LOVE THIS IDEA! I am going to borrow it. I can always count on you to both inspire me and make me laugh until my bladder feels like it is going to burst. Thanks!

Mommie Daze said...

A mute button. I need that. Where can I get one?

cindi said...

Your posts always make me laugh. When my olest daughter was little she couldn't say "r's". If the 'r' was at the end of the word, she sounded like she was from Mssachussetts. If the 'r' was in the middle of the word, it st got skipped right over. And she lovedto carry her purse. See where I'm going wih this. "Mommy, hold my puss" "Mommy, I can't find my puss." "Can I bring my puss" UGH!

Buckeroomama said...

Love your list! Yay for Golden Girls and Seinfeld!! I would totally love to spend my days that way, too --minus the asparagus.

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L.Michel said...

#1 I have never had a pill stuck in my throat but I have had a tortia chip stuck in my thoat more than once. The shap edges are very painful (even more so if you swallow) untill the chip softens (in what feels like forever).

#2 It is really sad when when 3 year old boys play with more "dick" than I do.

#3 do I really need to say anthing eles? LOL, I'm still laughing!

Mrsbear said...

I don't dance. Ever.

My youngest doesn't really do F correctly, so when he tries to say his foot is hurt it usually comes out lie "boot" except it sounds more like "butt". So every time he says his "butt" is hurt I don't know if he really hurt is butt or his foot. It also weird when asks me to kiss the boo-boo on his "butt".

Well, that didn't seem rambly at all...Me not you. Nevermind.

2wired2tired.com said...

That conversation/argument over the sticks had to be hilarious! I'm still laughing about it. We have a problem saying "truck" in our house. The "tr" often gets replaced by an "f." Makes for some interesting conversation!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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