Monday, April 26, 2010

The one thing I'm truly good at...

Everyone has their thing...you know, the ONE thing they're truly good at.

Some people have a passion for photography and/or cooking...I'm not one of them.

Others were born with a natural ability to create beautiful things, such as paintings, music or hand-made clothing...I'm not one of them.

So what am I good at?

Well, it might surprise you. Perhaps you're thinking, "Hmmmm, could it be how well you emotionally clock-out at 7:00 every evening, without fail?" or "Is it that you always have a healthy supply of wine and cookies on hand?"

No, not at all...though I always happen to have a chilled bottle of wine at the ready and I am quite the expert at screaming, "Okay, people...4 more minutes until Mommy's shift is over! Get your hugs and kisses while they're still hot!"

Honestly, my one true talent is basically quite simple.

I am the reigning "Queen of Puke". Not everyone can claim this very special and unique title.

I am what they call a "puke magnet". I attract puke, all kinds even...be it pinkish in color with tiny pieces of spaghetti mixed in or pure liquid with a brownish tinge to it. It seeks me out, especially when in a desperate situation.

Let me give an example from a memory that is still very fresh in my mind.

December 2005 -

Cole and Bella were merely 14 months old and we had just gotten done celebrating Christmas with Tim's family at his brother's home. Against my better judgement, I let Cole eat some chocolate cake for dessert.

Truth be told, I was just too tired to argue with my MIL about it. "Oh, let the boy have some cake...it's Christmas," she had said, as I witnessed Tim shrugging his shoulders.

I could see the look of utter confusion upon Tim's poor face....the dilemna was disheartening. Should he side with his wife, the mother of his children and she who held the key to his active and healthy sex life....or his mother, the woman who gave him life and taught him to respect his elders?

Depite the fact that he was aware that I no longer had proper bladder control due to carrying his two children (at the same time, mind you) and knowing full well that many ice, cold showers were in his near future, Tim shoveled a heaping forkful of chocolate cake into his eager son's mouth.

Oh, the child was a very happy boy indeed....with a toddler-sized belly full of rich, chocolate cake.

It was on the long drive home that we heard the sound. You know which sound I'm referring to....that low rumbling gurgle that rises from the pit of an upset tummy, as it empties its acidic contents up into the esophogus.

Yeah, that's the one.

I looked towards the backseat where my sweet baby boy sat upright. Oddly enough, he had no idea what was about to happen...he smiled back at me and then it happened.

Puke-Fest 2005...with a vengeance.

We're talking full-on projectile vomit, which my first-born child hurled towards me at....uh, say....45 mph. Give or take 1-2 mph's.

In a panic, I screamed to Tim, "Pull over....quick!! Cole's puking...he's gonna choke!"

I was already wriggling free from the contraints of my seatbelt, when Tim swerved over to the side of the freeway. And within a millisecond, I was bent over Cole, trying to pry him free from his carseat, as he continued to spew brown chunks all over the place.

He seemed to be in shock...not making any sounds, other than the noise of repulsive upchucking every 3 seconds.

Covered in the brown goo myself at this point, I asked Tim, "Just exactly how much chocolate cake did you give him?!"

He shook his head and responded, "I don't know...however much my mom put on the plate. He ate the whole thing".

All I could do was roll my eyes, as I noticed another car pulling along side us on the shoulder.

A concerned woman rolled down her window and yelled to us, "Do you need help? Are you all okay?"

While Tim explained to the lovely couple that we were in the midst of a Puke-Fest that surely would end our year with a BANG, I took Cole to the back of the mini-van where I stripped him free of his soaked jammies and into another pair of warm, cozy jammies.

In an instant, my mind took me back to a time before I was a mother when I swore up and down that I'd rather change a thousand poopy diapers than clean up vomit...even if it did come out of my own child.

By now, Tim was attempting to clean the carseat, which too was soaked with what used to be the contents of Cole's small tummy. I heard grumbling, mixed in with a few other words...something like, "Damn...this shit smells...oh man, this isn't gonna come out...f*ck, this smells BAD".

Within a few minutes, he was able to clean the seat well enough to strap Cole back in and for us to get home as quickly as we could.

It was too cold outside to drive with the windows down so with each breath we took, the rancid smell of puke would permeate our nasal cavities...prompting us to hold our breath for as long as we could before being forced to take in more of the sour air.

Once we got the boy tucked away, safe and sound, in his crib, I hit the shower and Tim got to work taking all the padding off of Cole's carseat to be washed.

By the morning, Cole was fine...but Tim and I were completely wiped out from the night's events.

You know you've been inducted into the Parenting Hall of Fame when you've been up most of the night with a child vomiting what could only be nothing more than pure stomach acid at that point...only to rise at the butt-crack of dawn, dead tired, with a happy-go-lucky toddler who suddenly had more energy than Tigger, high on meth.

As an added bonus, we also had his twin sister who had DOUBLE his energy...whose face has written all over it, "Trust me, today you are going to experience what it's like to regret the very moment you decided you wanted to have children..."

The night's events were nothing more than a distant memory already for Cole....yet, for Tim and I, we kissed goodybe all those silly, fleeting ideas of catching up on sleep.

And we begrudgingly accepted that we would not become one with our comfy bed again for at least another long and dreary 16 hours.

That was only the beginning, my friends....with the most recent event being covered in yellowish-orange puke spewed by Landon at Tim's brother's Superbowl party this past January.

You haven't lived through a true honest-to-God puke experience until you've been soaked in it while wearing jeans on an oddly warm winter's day...surrounded by well-meaning family members who keep asking you every 10 minutes, "Good God, how can you stand that smell?"

So yes, folks, Puke-Fest 2005 is when I earned the distinguished title "Queen of Puke".

Even though it's not exactly something Martha Stewart would claim proudly, it makes me feel important...and needed. Plus, no one can argue with the plain and simple fact that I earned that title.

And it's the one thing I'm truly good at....


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56 comments:

Shell said...

Puke fest. We've had a few here. Never any fun. You know you're a mom when you don't care about the puke on you, just wherever it would stain.

Mrsbear said...

Ah, puke. I'm familiar. You're not a mom until you catch puke in your cupped palms. Fun. The chocolate cake incident sounds atrocious! All my kids were pukers early on, I remember my youngest used to spew every time he pooped. One particular incident while I was in the drive-thru at BKs especially sticks out in my mind. I'll spare you the details...

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I hereby make you a Queen of Laughter because even though I sympathized and felt your pain, I loved the sense of humor that came with it. My youngest was the upchuck kid and no matter what I started out looking like, by the end of the day, I reeked and looked like I had been through the garbage dumpster on the side of the road.

Surely there is something else that can be your new claim to fame??

Katie @ Katie's Dailies said...

Oh man! I feel your pain! Before we had kids, I struck a deal with my husband and told him I would clean up ANY messy diaper, no matter how gross and runny it was, if he could just handle the Puke Department, since he had an affinity towards muck-filled diapers. So what happens? Child #1 never puked ON us, rather she'd get up in the night, do her stuff, brush her teeth, go back to bed and THEN tell us in the morning. Pretty sweet gig... then came Child #2, who would seek me out like a heat-seeking missel to barf all.over.me. And ONLY me... sigh...

Nobodys Nothings said...

good god, you and i must be soul mates. i have a puke phobia, but it seems attracted to me. it started when i was a kid- i've been puked on not once, but 3 times in elementary school on the bus, and witnessed several other occasions at school. i was vomited on at a foot ball game in highschool by some random guy i just happened to be walking by at the wrong moment, and just a couple years ago i was waiting to be seated at a restaurant when some ten-ish year old kid started vomiting all over the waiting area. every year for the past two years one of my kids has vomited on mothers day, and both kids had an extremely sensitive gag reflex as babies. getting them to eat solids was a nightmare. i hate puke. i despise puke. i can't seem to get away from it. reading your story, i felt overwhelming sympathy... because i know exactly how you feel.

Colton's Mommy said...

Oh that is awful. Thankfully Colton has never puked at all. When he was little he used to spit up a little now and then. I certainly do not look forward to joining you in the "puked on" club. I have been peed on on several occasions though--does that count for anything?

shortmama said...

Been there, been covered in that...lots of times. My oldest has a pretty sensitive stomach, always has. When she was young she threw up frequently, almost on a daily basis. I cant tell you how many times Ive been woken in the middle of the night hearing that all telling "mama" coming from her room and trying to get their fast enough to get her into the bathroom.

Samantha said...

I remember the first time Bree puked. She was probably 3 or 4 months old, sitting in her swing, smiling and then all of the sudden, projectile vomiting. I've never seen puke shoot out with such great distance. I didn't know what to do at first...wait until she finished, or pick her up and try to get her to the bathroom. I think I opted to take her to the bathroom.

We only had one other projectile vomiting case in my house after that, and then she didn't throw up again until near the age of 2 & that was strawberry Pop-Tart...in her car seat...and let me tell you...I nearly vomited myself!

Jen said...

Oh, I think that you need to share that title with me. But I have been puked on by more than just kids. I'll just call it a professional hazard.

MamaOtwins+1 said...

Oh - you tell the story so well!!! I am so glad we have yet to have a puke fest in the car.

To a fellow Queen of Puke, because great minds do think alike!

Wendy said...

LOL - loved your story and this topic is so very fresh on my mind since we are onto child number two having the tummy bug this weekend. So def have had our fair share of it this weekend and bleck....I can not stomach it! Thankfully, I have a great hubby that will clean up the mess when they don't make it to the bathroom...um like almost everytime UGH!!!!! Even with a bucket close by they still try to run to the bathroom and my carpet feels the rath!

Hoping M doesn't come down with it but it's running rampant in the schools so quite possibly she is next.

Thanks for your funny take on this and finding what you are truly good at - but I'm sure there are other talents you haven't explored yet!!!! LOL

Mimi and Tilly said...

When i was teaching 4 year olds I constantly had the vague whiff of stale sick about me. It followed me round. I got used to it but friends would comment...

Kim said...

I probably shouldn't write this, but I have been pretty blessed in the puke department. My oldest has only thrown up once (a neat pile of eggs in the center of the coffee table). The baby pukes all the time, but a quick swipe with a cloth (or sock) is the most I offer in the way of clean up.

I am actually quite impressed, though, and think you deserve the title of queen. I won't even share saliva with my kids and completely dread the thought of touching their puke (though I almost forgot the time the baby puked in my mouth... but that's a whole other story).

WhisperingWriter said...

Ugh. Puke. I hate dealing with puke. It makes me want to puke myself. It took me an hour to clean up a stream of my daughter's puke because I kept gagging so I had to leave the room, get brave, and go back to deal with it.

Robin said...

Oh Helene...thats not the best thing to be good at...Lolol...you poor thing..I have a different twist on it..Im good at puking..when Im pregnant I puke for the whole time..after drinking too much ..PUKE...and anything that gets me grossed out..yep heave...I guess Im good at providing puke as you are good at attracting it..Lol..!!

Nezzy said...

I guess it's good to be queen of something....why not puke??? Heeehehe! I change a grandson once covered in poop in the trunk of my car. Yep, DIL said, "what are ya doin???' I replied, "watch and learn." I spread out a blanket and laid the messy little infant on it and proceeded to clean the little booger up, rolled everything up in to blanket to laundry. Works like a charm.

Have a great day!!!

Ms Bibi said...

Nothing like a good puke fest especially in the middle of stomach flu season. How I love that time of the year. My youngest can be proudly crowned "the king of pukers".It wouldn't be a flu season if I didn't get to change the bedding and the PJ's at least 3 times during a night.

Martha Stewart could only wish to be named "Queen of Puke"....the title is all yours,lol

Jenny said...

Oh man, that's nasty! Abby's last puke fest that lasted every hour for 24 hours wasn't that bad. It was just liquid and wasn't very messy. It didn't smell either, thank GOD!

The major puke fest was last October when we were out of town at a wedding. We woke up and went down to the free breakfast with the rest of the family. This was in a hotel, so not only were there family but also strangers enjoying their breakfast.

Out of nowhere, Abby just starts puking over and over. It was like it wouldn't stop. My Mom ran over with napkins, my cousin's husband ran down the hall in fear and I scooped Abby up and headed up to our room. Luckily it only lasted about 6 hours, but yuck! Plus, I was so embarrassed that the hotel people had to clean it up.

BigSis said...

I complain about being a ball magnet - every season I get hit in the head with the ball of the season - but that's way better than being a puke magnet, so I'll stop complaining (a little bit)

christy rose said...

Oh my goodness! What a story and yes I think that you definitely deserve that title! Queen of Puke! LOL

Natalie said...

Knock on wood...haven't had a major puke fest here, yet. We've had puke, but no fest. I'm sure it'll come sooner or later!
BTW - I too, always have wine on hand and once the twins go to bed, I also say my shift is over, but I say "Mommy's tapping out"

IASoupMama said...

Congratulations! That is a title I am not striving to take. Although, since I am the one who can hear a child gagging through six feet of solid concrete (well, over the baby monitor, jolting me from a solid sleep), I usually reach the sick child before my poor dazed husband. I wear the puke, he cleans it up. That's pretty much the course around our house.

Gisela said...

OMG...I can't believe you wrote a post on puke! AHHH!!!

I fortunately did not experience puke for awhile. The first time my oldest puked was the night I went out of town for a long girls weekend. OH DARN! I came home and he was healthy again. Until the next week, when he randomly puked again...but all over Daddy. (Fortunately I was also pregnant at the time, so my WONDERFUL husband did not make me clean anything!)

I have had a few puke experiences, but normally my hubby takes care of them...I'm just responsible for putting said laundry into the wash. THAT I can handle. Not much else!

The Mother said...

Thou needst to get a real hobby.

Angie said...

Oh, hon, I feel your pain. I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you. :)

My twins had horrible reflux, and reaching out to catch puke with whatever was on hand became a reflex. I caught it in snack traps, my shirt, you name it.

You have major self-control--I'm so impressed. in your place I might have actually offed my husband.

Angela said...

I did not read the whole thing right now as I'm nauseated already! That's a good sign, right?!! I'll have to read it later :)

Heather B said...

been there with ya lady! my son has a way of aiming right toward me. nothing says love like warm puke in the bra!!! it's their little way of saying "welcome to motherhood!!!" Thanks for giving me a vivid giggle today;)

The Lane Family said...

OH I could so try for that title. 3 kids severe reflux and one that still pukes if she gets mad plus the one who still has severe reflux!!

I have to admit however that my great husband helps with the "joy's" of puking thank heavens!!

Awesome post as usual!!!

singedwingangel said...

OH see no nope not happening no one pukes alone in my presence the mere retching alone sends my tummy into swirling spinning flips nad flops of nausea and I am running for the closest trash can.. Thankfully hubby has a cast iron stomach

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

This post is sickening! You are welcome to be the Queen of Puke, I sure wouldn't want that title. I'm sure there are other things you are good at, like making people laugh for one!

The High Family said...

I don't have the stomach for puke...thus the reason I almost felt like upchucking when I read your post! LOL

Actually I have been VERY lucky in this department. Ryan has only thrown up twice so far in his young life. The first time was about 18 months old when my mother fed him a TON of sausage stew. Ohhhh the mess that made in his crib....I could have strangled her! And the second time was just this past February when he got a nasty tummy bug. Thankfully Chris took care of cleaning that episode up because like I said, seeing puke, makes me wanna puke! I felt soooo bad for him by the third round when he got to the dryheaves...ugh, no mama wants to see their children experience that!

So you can keep that title...I have NO interest in taking it off your hands. ;)

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Euuuuw.

I have to say I am strong in that dept as well. I am always amazed how it doesn't make me want to hurl and that kind words come out of my mouth.

With that said, they will grow up and eventually make it to the bathroom. One of the perks of growing up.

The last couple of times Emily just goes in during the night and does it and then she wakes me!!!! What a great kid!

Rebecca said...

Ummm...congrats? I wish you had a more enjoyable gift! Puke is the worst...you're so right...it smells horrible and there's always more than you think possible!

Annie said...

That's a worst part of a mother "puke".

Twins Squared said...

Oh bless you. We have been so fortunate that we have not had a lot of puking going on. 2 babies with reflux but not full-on vomiting other than 1 horrible stomach bug the girls had about 2 years ago! Even took Mackenzie to the ER against my better judgment only to turn around and come home after my sick child sat in a metal chair for 3 hours in the night. Anyway, I would have been against the cake too. And I agree completely about 1000 poopy diapers vs puke. Ick. Hopefully you haven't been puked on lately. I saw the strawberry pics. Maybe you don't have a green thumb (neither do I - giving me a plant is like sentencing it to death), but your strawberries seem to be doing well!

RenegadeMama said...

LOL! Your Highness

Frugal Vicki said...

Knock on wood, thus far I have been really good at getting the kids aimed at the husband. I am sure he is catching on to that by now, though

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, dear. Well, I'm sure no one wants to wrestle that crown away from you! lol

Ivy and Haley said...

Hey, at least you are queen of something.

come visit me.
http://ivyandhaley.blogspot.com

Ivy

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I see your PukeFest 2005 and raise you two lactose-intolerant daughters who liked to puke in their hair, and it smelled like rotten milk.
Also? Hot dog chunks.

D said...

You're good at getting puked on and I'm great at avoiding it. That and pee and poop. I nicknamed my nephew, Collin, Squirt and guess what? It wasn't because he was small. It was because he frickin' peed on everyone. My mom, my sister, and all. Me? Nope. I just managed to avoid it.

debi9kids said...

ahhh yes.I know this title which you speak of and I'll gladly allow you to keep it.
i have had my fair share of puke-fest... it seems at least one a year, but my kids typically avoid getting it on me (if they know what's good for them. haha)

Tropical Mum said...

Why, oh why did I read this at dinner time?! I haven't had anything to eat but one banana muffin all day and I was really looking forward to dinner, but now? Not so much.

Glad you found your calling. I have yet to find mine.

Shelly

PS Thanks for dropping by to comment even though I have been so slack and haven't posted since Friday.

Merri Ann said...

You can have the title ... I don't want it. Ughh .. I've said it before and I'll say it again ... motherhood is sooo glamorous.

BC (before children) we would never have mentioned sex and vomit or poop in the same post ...

I'm just sayin ... :))

Erin said...

I, too, would rather deal with a trillion poopy/diarrhea diapers than a puke fest. And we've had several here as well. Fortunately only once did both girls get it at EXACTLY the same time. They were 18 months and it was all over their cribs, the walls next to their cribs, dripping down to the carpet....and yes, that smell...I'm laughing as I read this, but I can so totally relate. ugh. puke is so gross. But I can deal better with others' puke than my own. I hate puking.

Stefenie said...

Puke Queen huh? I might have to challenge you on that one. LOL!!!

With Logan's heart problems he had severe reflux for well over a year and every day, multiple times a day, was puke fest in our home, car and even at doctor visits. I've been puked on more times than I definitely like to admit. I am surprised there is still any padding left on Logan's care seat as much as it has been through the washer. Whenever we went anywhere outside of the house ALL of us had to pack multiple outfits in case we ever got in the line of fire.

Ok.....so I'll let you be the Puke Queen this time. Especially since it has been well over a year and a half since I have had to deal with the raining puke in our house. Phew!!

Creative Junkie said...

This is when it's not so bad being a slacker. Not being proficient at anything has its benefits.

Heather said...

Isn't it comforting to know that they'll grow up and eventually get to the bathroom on their own? This made me remember a post you wrote years ago about being up all night with Bella puking, and in the morning she told you that you were the best mommy in the world! : )

Kristen said...

I just discovered your blog. Very funny. As a mother of one, I can only imagine what it's like to be a mother of four! :)

Mayhem and Moxie said...

I swear I learn more and more about you on your blog, Helene. The queen of puke? Now that is a title that VERY few can lay claim to.

Let's just say that this post makes me even more proud to know you.

xo

Mommy24cs said...

We've certainly had our share of puke fests. Just last week in fact. I can proudly say though that I have never been hit with any puke, I somehow manage to jump out of target range pretty quickly LOL.

I will never forget the worst incident we had. My MIL had just bought a brand new van and was taking us for a ride and Colton was about 4 years old and had a belly full of red kool-aid and whatever he had had for lunch, which he preceded to throw up all over the light beige carpet in the back of the van. I think I sat frozen for about five minutes. Truly horrifying!

2wired2tired.com said...

Oh wow. I don't know how you did it without getting sick yourself. I'm a major wimp when it comes to puke and just reading that cured the cravings I was just having for chocolate! Ugh.

MamaHen Em said...

Oh yeah. Totally feel your pain, although I think I could challenge you for that title! :) This brings back so many horrible memories of kids throwing up in various places for various reasons - the most recent being my son throwing up all over the garland on the stair railing at Christmas time two years ago (and I type that cautiously as I realize it has indeed been TWO YEARS since I've had to clean up vomit) bypassing the bathroom on his way down the stairs to tell me he was going to throw up. Why can't they just go do it? And THEN tell me??

Vera Ezimora said...

LOL! Soooo not fun. I once had to clean my friend's puke. She had a bad case of stomach virus (which I happened to give her). But hey, at least you're good at something. *gulp*

Lori said...

Well, first of all, I MUST point out that I have you beat by a full hour. I clock out at 8:00. :)

We had a projectile vomiter. You really just don't get it until you experience it, right? It's like a scene from the exorcist. Anyway, hubs was the king of puke. I was the queen of poop.

Elizabeth said...

I would bet my last packet of BBQ chips that there are many many things you are truly good at :-)

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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