Thursday, May 6, 2010

The honest truth about the process of becoming a mother...

I've written a post or two about what no one tells you about parenthood... motherhood, to be more specific.

However, what about what it takes to achieve motherhood...you know, the nitty gritty part.

I realize for some people this is the FUN part....the "let's do the nasty and get ourselves knocked up" part, where they partake in a few minutes of sexual activity and then get back to their everyday lives without a care in the world.

Then there are those of us, me included, who can't seem to get pregnant...to save our lives, no matter what we try.

So here's what no one tells you about the process of BECOMING a mother...

1) All those myths about sexual positions and the like may not (and probably will not) result in a pregnancy.

You can lay on your back with your hips propped up and your legs in the air for a whole 15 minutes after sex....that ain't gonna make you a baby.

In fact, all it will bring you is a horribly painful UTI, as well as an uncomfortable wet spot that you'll be stuck sleeping in...again.

2) Your sexy, hunk of a man will no sooner become nothing more than a piece of meat to you.

When he starts accusing you of just using him for his body, that's when you know you've hit an all-time low....that, and he finally catches on that the reason he can't sleep at night is because you've been secretly switching his caffeine-free coke with regular coke so his sperm would swim faster.

Oh, and for what it's worth, referring to his sperm as "baby batter" will, more than likely, not go over well with him.

3) You don't even go the extra mile anymore to spice things up.

Instead of dressing in sexy lingerie and cooking him his favorite meal as a way of buttering him up, you meet him at the door after work wearing absolutely nothing, and yelling, "Hurry up and get naked...my ovaries just shot out an egg like 38 minutes ago! Let's go, let's go, let's GO!"

4) There is no such thing as "not in the mood" when you're trying to make a baby.

Tim once pulled that excuse on me, to which I responded, "I don't need you to be in the mood, I don't need romance...hell, I don't even need foreplay...I just need your half of the DNA, for crying out loud!"

5) You'll have major fights over the silliest things.

God forbid he turn up the heater at night and now you have no idea if your temperature is really based on the fact that you've already ovulated or if it's a false reading because you were sweating in your sleep

You can't believe that he won't reschedule his business trip for the week AFTER you ovulate. I mean, the world can certainly wait for him to make a deal with Kawasaki for a new voice-over IP but I only get ONE chance each month to hit the baby jackpot.

6) Infertility isn't an equal opportunity employer.

It will target you, hunt you down and make you suffer. It doesn't matter if you're the next Mother Theresa, sharing all your wealth with the homeless people downtown under the freeway....and it doesn't matter if you're the most selfish, disrespectful person on earth.

Infertility doesn't care who you are or what you've done.

Even though it's not the elite group people want to be a part of, there is a sisterhood among those of us women who have been forced to join the ranks. You could have nothing else in common with another woman except for your mutual diagnosis of infertility...and suddenly she becomes your closest friend and confidante.

7) It's okay to be angry with God. He totally gets it.

When a pregnancy doesn't occur within those first few months of trying, you'll chalk it up to bad timing. Any longer than that and you start to wonder if maybe God has it in for you.

You'll try to strike up a bargain with Him....you'll go to church/temple more often, you'll stop swearing, you'll give half of your paycheck to the poor....all that and more if He'll finally bless you with a baby.

Don't be surprised if He doesn't answer your prayers right away. That's not how He rolls.

But don't ever lose hope or faith. That really pisses Him off.

If with each failed cycle, your determination to become a mother only grows stronger and more persistent, that's the work of God right there.

8) Never say never.

Traditional chinese medicine, acupuncture, femoral massage, drinking Robitussin by the gallon, gorging on baby carrots and pretzels, peeing on ovulation sticks, taking pictures of ovulation sticks and posting them online seeking your friends' opinions, buying stock in Preseed, avoiding oral sex like the plague because you read somewhere that saliva can kill sperm, forcing your husband to stand in front of the mirror and stare at your boobs with you in search of any tell-tale signs of early pregnancy, comparing your cervical mucus to pictures on the internet because you need to be 100% sure that this is what egg-white cervical mucus looks like, bitterly shopping at Target at midnight because chances are you won't run into any pregnant women, leaving a voicemail for your ob/gyn, asking "Can you please tell me EXACTLY how low and open my cervical opening needs to be during ovulation?", non-chalantly jamming 22-gauge needles into your own ass cheeks even though you're normally scared shitless of even the smallest of needles, understanding what the acronyms 2WW, IUI, FET, AH, ICSI, DPO, DPT, BFP and BFN stand for...

I'll repeat it again...never say never.

9) It's all worth it in the end.

Everyone will tell you that a million times and then some during your entire struggle of trying to conceive. You won't wholeheartedly believe it, though, until you finally experience parenthood yourself.

Trust me when I tell you that even though you'll be severely sleep deprived and not know which end is up half the time...and you'll still bear the battle wounds and scars of infertility...you'll appreciate parenthood that much more, specifically because of what you had to endure to get there.

10) With that said, don't be surprised if, at least once a day, you find yourself wondering why you wanted to be a mother so badly...

...especially when you've gone days without a relaxing shower, hours without a meal to satisfy your grumbling belly, or a meaningful conversation with someone who doesn't need their ass wiped or a bottle held in their mouth.

Even though you desperately wanted to be a mother, you're also entitled to have your bad "why me" moments, as well.

It doesn't mean you're not in love with parenthood or that you don't appreciate this blessing which God has bestowed upon you...it just means you're human.

Wishing a happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers out there...whether you're already a mother, a soon-to-be mother, a struggling future mother or the mother of an angel baby (or babies)

And, yes, I officially suck at reading/commenting right now...I'll make it up to you. I promise.

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected

55 comments:

Merri Ann said...

I can add one of my own ... "Don't laugh uncontrollably while you are sitting in the waiting room and your husband is giving his "sample" in the other room" ... chances are he can hear you :))

Great post ... thanks for the laugh.

The Mother said...

There was a doc in the 1800s who had a "magic bed." Infertile couples were invited to sleep in it for a night (for a fee, of course).

That didn't work, either.

Rebecca said...

OMG...if you actually said the words "baby batter" aloud, you're my hero.

I totally forgot about the Robitussin thing until I read this...amazing what you try to block out.

We never tried the legs in the air thing b/c I was too damn lazy.

I used to count sex as exercise...I would literally count how many times I did certain things and then check if off like a completed set of squats! Horrible, right?

I also think it changes your sex life for a long time after you're "finished" with the infertility stuff...it's endless!

Jennifer @ The Toy Box Years said...

My heart goes out to all of you who have gone through this process.

Helene - thank you for sharing such a private part of your life -- in full-blown, technicolor humor, as always!

Hugs!

Brooke said...

Happy mother's day to you! :) you've sure earned your right to celebrate this day

Colton's Mommy said...

It must be a very hard process to go through. It seems like that is what we women are supposed to do--get pregnant and have babies--so why doesn't it always work so easily. We only had to try for three months thankfully and let me tell you, it was no fun charting ovulation and convincing my lazy husband it had to be done that night. He has the opposite problem of most men--he is NEVER in the mood!!!

Shelby at DoubleUpBooks.com - The Twins and Multiples Bookstore said...

Helene - this was the most beautiful post! It made me laugh and cry at the same time. Just the perfect post in time for Mother's Day. I love all of your blog posts, but this one definitely holds a special place in my heart.

Shelby

Menopausal New Mom said...

What a journey and inspiration you are. Thank you for being so brutally honest while putting your humorous spin on it for us. I am so blessed to have become pregnant at 44 without even trying, I recognize how lucky I was but do wish I had had the time for one more before menopause took over. But hey, I'm not complaining! I'm one lucky momma and I know it!

Thanks for sharing your story and a Big Happy Mother's Day to you girl!

Carly said...

Happy Mother's Day:)

Heather said...

All so true! Can totally relate. I bet if I showed all of the acronyms to Kevin, he's have no clue what they meant ; )

Nezzy said...

Here I am the most fertile Myrtle on the block ( pregnant four times on the pill for heaven's sake, one miscarriage and one tubal pregnancy and two beautiful children) to see the dedication and energy some people have to do to become parents is most admirable. Your post is a hoot girl but you really were put through the mill to be mama to your precious children. You have truly earned a Happy Mothers Day sweetie. :o)

Ya'll have a fantastic day filled with warm sunshiny blessings!!!

Jodi said...

I love this post! Glad you got your four beautiful children!

Tylaine said...

What a funny post but there still is a serious undertone. I can't relate at all to went you went through (except for #10! :)) but sure appreciate the fact that you are willing to be so open about everything (and I love the humor!) I can't imagine how difficult it was but so worth it now that you have 4 beautiful angels. :)
Thanks for sharing and Happy Mother's Day!

Natalie said...

So true! All of the....especially being mad at God! And avoiding oral sex - I had that it the infertility post I wrote and took it out because I thought my mom was going to read it!!
Happy Mother's Day to you!

The Boob Nazi said...

I think we all go through the whole sucking at reading/commenting thing. I'm going through it right now.

smArtee said...

I cant imagine how it would feel..but you summed it up with a humorous twist...I guess like many things, you cant comprehend it until you experience it firsthand...You really are blessed and so is your Hubs and children...Happy Mothers Day to you..EnjOy your special day..!

Kristina P. said...

You manage to talk about such a serious topic in a funny and lighthearted way, but without being insensitive.

Shell said...

As always, I love your honesty!

Happy Mother's Day!

Monkeys Mommy ♥ said...

Very well said...from a fellow Mom who went through it you are right on! Happy Mother's Day.

Eva Gallant said...

I love your sense of humor, Helene. I have a niece who went through much of this I'm sure before she finally conceived. You definitely deserve a Happy Mother's Day!

Crossed Fingers said...

OMG I laughed so hard because these are all TRUE! So true. I love it. LOVE it!

Tracie said...

Happy Mother's Day!

Jessica said...

Happy Mothers Day Helene. You have a wonderful sense of humor even through struggles.

christy rose said...

Oh my goodness! You had me laughing my butt off! Happy Mother's Day to you!

Jen said...

So honest and so true.

Loved this and I love you. :)

Leigh said...

Oh those days are ones I never ever ever want to repeat.

They were a horrible, horrible time - I cried the other day when a blog friend finally got her BFP. It just brought back such memories... and I was having my period LOL

Katie's Dailies said...

Everyone makes it sound so easy to get pregnant and it really IS work. We didn't go through ANYTHING like you all had to endure, but it did take some doin'.

Hope you have a wonderful mother's day, and thank you for sharing your children, your life and HUMOR with all of us!

Sharyn said...

Yes, it is exactly worth it in the end. My friends and I who went through infertility frequently laugh at ourselves for complaining about our kids, but really -- wasn't the ability to experience those ups and downs a big part of the quest to be a mom?

HT said...

Happy Mother's Day to you too! I have not been good about commenting and reading either. Just starting to get back to normal again!

Shelby said...

Very well said Helene! You summed it up perfectly. I was laughing but with tears in my eyes at the same time because those scars of infertility will never go away. I remember telling my hubby that some day I would be able to say it was all worth it. And today I am 33 weeks pregnant with my miracle twins! Thanks for the post! Happy Mother's Day!!

givingherallshesgot said...

What a great post! I have no idea how my hubby's and my fertility is. When we first got married I was dead set against getting pregnant, and went to pretty extreme measures to ensure I didn't. I've always thought it would be quite ironic if after all that work and worrying...we ended up having a hard time getting pregnant. Hope we don't have to go there. I've had enough of my sex life being a chore!

Erin said...

You are one of the best and most awesome moms I've never met. I'm so glad our paths have crossed in BlogLand. Happy Mother's Day to you and thanks for making me laugh, as always!!!

wonderchris said...

Thanks for posting this blog. Very wise and important words. Mother's Day can be tough when you so badly just want to be one.

A very Happy Mother's Day to you!

Angie said...

Helene, what a great post! So funny and poignant at the same time.

You're right, nobody tends to talk about this part. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure somebody out there really needed this today. :)

The S Family said...

Great post. Thanks for the laughs!! Been there, done that. All of it.

katie said...

Does reading "you're hilarious" ever get old to you? I hope not. Seriously, please write a book. I LOVE all your posts!

Jenny said...

This is so true! All of the timing, shots, etc, etc, turned into a full time job for me! LOL!

shortmama said...

My hubs was definitely a piece of meat for 3 long years as we patiently waited to be pregnant with my youngest...its so nice to actually get to have real sex now!

2wired2tired.com said...

We struggled getting pregnant for awhile with my daughter. A drop in the bucket really compared to most people who can say they are dealing with infertility, but because of that time I can completely relate to this post! I was so baffled by how all my life I felt like if I my zipper was down in a 10 foot radius of a boy I'd get pregnant and now I was struggling and reading all these stories of people who were struggling too. It was something that I always thought was the one sure and easy thing in life. Quite the eye opener.

Hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Creative Junkie said...

I didn't have to go through any fertility treatments myself but I can still appreciate the hoops you had to jump through to get your little ones. I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day, Helene!

Sharlene said...

Baby Batter. LMAO Helene! What you wrote was so true. Nothing takes the fun and sponteneity out of sex like infertility.

Wendy said...

I wouldn't say we've struggled with infertility. I struggled with CARRYING the baby. I have genetic issues and blood issues that resulted in 5 MC, however, I have a beatiful 5 YO Boy who is my world! I love how you wrote this blog. It was as if you have read my mind at each attempt and heartbreak. My favorite part of this blog is when you mentioned that desire to be a parent is God at work. I never thought about it like that. I always thought, 'if I was meant to have more children, then why doesn't God just take away the desire? Why do I still want one?' Fantastically put and now I see it differently! This explanation makes my husnbad nad I's pursuit to become foster/adoption parents. We still have the desire to have a larger family! Thank you for this post! Happy Mother's Day weekend!

Tropical Mum said...

I took it for granted how easy it was for us, but now that I am no longer able to have more children, I resent the fact that that choice has been taken away. I didn't want anymore sprogs, but I would have liked to be the one making that decision, not circumstances.

My heart goes out to those who struggle to conceive, and I am so glad that your story had a happy ending, Helene.

Happy Mothers Day!

Missie said...

Happy Mother's Day

Buckeroomama said...

It IS all worth it in the end. :)

Happy Mother's Day, Helene!

Clueless_Mama said...

Happy Mother's Day! Boy was this post spot on:) I hope you are enjoying your weekend with the family

kerrycharacters said...

This is such an honest post. I love this blog. Obviously it has all been worth it - just look at those gorgeous twins!

Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma said...

I love your poignant and thoughtful posts! My first two boys were total accidents, apparently I was more fertile than I believed could be so. The third one however, I tried to get pregnant for three months, then it happened. Mind you that is nothing compared to those that struggle but I can remember feeling crushed when I was so sure that I was pregnant and then my period came. I can only imagine how painful that is month after month, I don't think that I could bear it. I give much props to the women like yourself for what you went through to conceive.

As for #10 on you list, I completely agree!

Happy Mother's Day to you!

TwinsanityMom said...

Happy Mother's Day!

trooppetrie said...

ok, you do not know me but i have to tell a funny story. when we were trying to get pragnant with our second my husband was gone alot and it just was not happening. we were taking temperatures and nothing. well he had family day and we had decided we would enjoy the area instead of getting a hotel room. i realized that week that the day i was to see him was THE day. so we started calling for hotel room on post. NOTHING. you know hundreds of other wives who had not seen there husbands. so i arrived and we called again, no vacancy. we called every 30 minutes, i am sure the lady thought we were nuts. finally at 6pm (hubby had to be back at work at like 8pm) she said we have a room on the fourth floor with only a twin bed. We said we would take it and half ran the mile to the hotel in my pretty shoes that were giving me blisters. did the deed (so wrong to say that). and half ran back to drop him off. guess what it WORKED. i have never done anything like that since but it may be fun

Mrsbear said...

I'm still giggling at baby batter. I know, I'm so juvenile.

We definitely all have our dark moments but the good far outweighs them.

Tiffany said...

Happy Mother's Day! That was AWESOME!

Erin said...

I loved this, Helene. Especially at the end where you give us infertiles permission to have bad days and wonder why we wanted kids so badly, etc...I always feel guilty at those times.

But I never take them for granted. Mother's Day used to be horrible for me and now I am so lucky I get to celebrate it.

Happy Mother's Day to you (a little late!).

Kristen said...

Great post. Happy (belated) Mothers Day!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

You just have such a fantastic way of putting things. So true, so funny! I just want to keep reading more and more!!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
Blog Design by Likely Lola