1) First things first, there will be plenty of onlookers who will pass judgment on you, no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you’re pulling off the best Supermom act of the century or if you’re having to face the fact that you will not be winning any awards for Mother of the Year…again.
There will be people who rudely stare at you as they deem you the most evil parent in the world. They won’t say it out loud, of course…but you’ll be able to see the accusation in their eyes.
But, my friends, they don’t know your situation.
They have no clue that merely 5 minutes prior to them witnessing your meltdown in the middle of Main Street that your 3-year old refused to sit in the stroller because he wanted you to hold him for another hour or that your 5-year old screamed at you for not letting her ride Indiana Jones, even though you explained over and over again that you don’t make the rules.
"Mickey Mouse makes the rules, not me…deal with it," you might have yelled back at her.
Also, when other parents gasp loudly as your husband tilts the stroller forward to get down from a curb and your toddlers spill out onto the ground, your expected response should be to gasp in horror along with those other people….not cackle as if you just heard the best joke of the century.
However, if your husband laughs right along with you, then it was obviously funny…either that, or you’ve both lost touch with reality.
More than likely, the latter.
2) Disneyland is only the happiest place on earth for those people who added a whole lot of rum to the tiny amount of coke they’re sipping on.
And that’s a straight up fact, my friends. Plain and simple.
3) You and your adult travel partner(s) will be desperate to find some kind of humor in the day-to-day stuff. So it’s okay to engage in a little bit of inappropriate talk, such as….
“Hey sweetie, wanna touch my one-eyed monster?”
…and after deciding that Buzz Lightyear looks more like an overly eager pedophile rather than every kid’s average superhero as your children approach him, saying in your best Buzz Lightyear impersonation...
“Hey little dude, you wanna know the quickest way to get me to infinity and beyond? Just grab onto my big Astro Blaster right here and pull the trigger a few times…yeah, just like that, little buddy. And tell your brother and sister that they can join in on the fun too…the more, the merrier I always say.”
4) It’s essential to find like-minded parents who will appreciate your parenting style, as well as your humor.
While waiting in line for yet another ride, I saw a mom of 3 young boys looking like she was about to go ballistic on them. She rolled her eyes, looked at me and said, “I just got off the phone with my husband at home back in Alaska and he wanted to know how everything was going”.
I retorted, “How did he get so lucky to be able to avoid this chaos?”
She could barely maintain herself as she answered, “Well, I took the older kids and left him home with our 1-year old twins!”
We both laughed hysterically for a good 3 minutes…seriously, laughed with our mouths wide open and tears coming out of our eyes.
In a nutshell, we totally bonded right then...she and I.
You truly need another person with a similar parenting style to appreciate a sweet moment like that.
5) You should continue to use the same nicknames for your children which you use at home…even if someone stops you mid-sentence and asks, “Excuse me, but did you REALLY just refer to your children as “the spawn”?”
Remember, consistency is key. You don’t want to start confusing your kids in the middle of a crowded theme park where there are a million and one Bella’s running around.
6) Do realize that some of life’s most important lessons will come back to haunt you.
Take, for instance, lying.
We tell our children all the time that honesty is to be valued and lying is just plain wrong. So don’t act all surprised when they realize you just lied to the person at the front gate about the age of your youngest children so you could avoid paying for them.
It doesn’t matter if you have a valid point…so what if your kids just turned 3 years old 2 months ago…you still lied. It’s a fact.
And your kids caught you in that lie. Thank goodness, though, that the spawn can be easily bought off, usually with a bag of candy or the promise of staying up past their bedtime.
7) If you’re driving to your destination, do yourself a favor and take the time to stop for a bathroom break.
Even if the kids insist they don’t have to go potty, threaten them with their lives if they don’t at least try.
Trust me…you don’t want to be stuck on the freeway in downtown Los Angeles in bumper-to-bumper traffic at rush hour when your 5-year old son exclaims that his bladder is about to burst.
You may think that helping him try to pee into a paper cup is a good idea but, truly, it is not…especially when your husband is on a business call with a new client and your kids are screaming, “Eeeewww, some of his pee just splashed on my face!” and “Oh my God, he peed on the back of Daddy’s seat!”
8) For every couple traveling without kids who think that your kids are “absolutely precious”, like these sweet people…
…there will be 3 more couples traveling without kids, like these Golden Girls…
…who will be completely mortified that your children have been crying for 2 minutes straight because you refuse to buy them cotton candy. You might even catch one of them rolling her eyes, while the other one shakes her head.
It’s all good, though, because you’re almost positive they heard your daughter ask in her not-so-quiet manner, “Mommy, why are you taking a picture of those old ladies?”
10) Lastly, even though you’re pretty sure you just lost another 5 years off your life span, this is the reason why it was all worth it…
Remember to bring these essentials...for you, not for the kids:
extra-strength tylenol, earplugs, numerous bottles of wine, your back-up bottle of Wellbutrin just in case YOU can't stop crying, those meditation tapes which keep you repeating "that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger", your amazing sense of humor and your love and passion for adventure...
OM and Ohms
1 day ago