Thursday, June 3, 2010

They’ve grown up and left home…

Remember the barn swallows that we had an ongoing war with a couple months ago?

They wanted to build their nest yet again on our turf…nothing was going to deter them?

Well, we decided to wave the white flag after all and let them stay.

And they thanked us by crapping all over our front porch. As if I don’t have enough crap to deal with on a daily basis, right?

Let me take you through the timeline in which we’ve enjoyed our temporary houseguests…

First, we have Mama Bird and Daddy bird…well, I’m assuming he’s the Daddy bird. I suppose it could be a Mother’s Helper or a friend-with-benefits.

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And we waited, the kids and I. We waited night and day for those damn eggs to hatch.

One day, the kids convinced me to get a ladder and peek in the nest, when Mama Bird left one day to get hair extensions put in. Oh wait, I confused her with Kate Gosselin.

I barely got on the top step of the ladder when Mama Bird flew in from nowhere and went all Mike Tyson on me. And she brought friends….lots of angry friends.

Needless to say, that was the last time I listened to my evil children, who laughed the entire time I was trying to swat away a slew of pissed-off birds from biting off my ears. Kind of reminded me of the “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine” incident.

Finally…FINALLY…the eggs hatched and there were 4 babies. Yes, 4 baby birds.

Seems this Mama bird and I have more in common than we thought, except I don’t have the luxury of just flying off any ole’ time I need a break.

I guess Mama bird is more like Kate Gosselin than I thought.

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When she was gone, the 4 babies would just sit perched high up in their nest, observing the curious world around them.

Do you get what I’m saying, people? Yeah, these birds were quiet. Not one peep out of them the entire time their Mama was gone.

I might have become just a little bit more disgruntled at that point.

But when Mama bird would appear suddenly, they’d start squawking and chirping…begging for food. She’d quickly place food into their tiny mouths and then fly off to go get more for them.

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The kids and I were fascinated watching her fly back and forth, as she gathered food for them.

I added my own commentary, as the spawn attentively observed the sweet bird family.

“Wow, look at them eat…I don’t hear any of them complaining about not liking what she’s giving them. I don’t see them spitting the food back out or wasting one little morsel”.

Of course, one of the smart-ass spawn had to add, “Well, she’s probably feeding them something that they want, like hotdogs or macaroni and cheese".

Whatever….

I fantasized about how wonderful it would be if my kids were that appreciative of all the effort I put forth in the kitchen to make them delicious, nutritious meals…or when I left the room for just 10 measly seconds to go pee, they’d sit quietly and patiently wait for my return instead of following me into the bathroom, complaining about bored they are.

Just then, Mama Bird caught me staring at her…

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I think she could see the resentment in my face, as I said out loud to her, “You sure have the life, don’t you?”

And you know what she did?

She lifted her tail and crapped all over my freshly cleaned front porch.

“Well, tough shit for you,” I imagined her saying.

Several days have passed and now the nest is empty. Each of the babies have learned to fly and they spend their days going on one adventurous journey after another.

I have to admit that part of me was a little sad to see the baby birds leaving the nest so soon.

Until I saw this….

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Like typical kids, they’ve learned their lessons well and have moved on to experience life on their own….but they still come back to shit on my front porch.

Why do I get the odd feeling that this is a foreshadowing of things to come in my not-so-distant future?

Thank you to A Mama 2 Twins for giving me this cool button/award...


and to Tabatha at Expressing it All for the Trendy Blog Award...

48 comments:

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

How funny! I love it! Baby birds are a lot like kids, huh? And I love that Momma Bird had 4 babies. Love this post. Have a great day Helene!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

If that ain't foreshadowing, I don't know what is!

In3Dee said...

ROFL oh my goodness, I had tears rolling, I was laughing so hard. :D

Rebecca said...

That is a lot of shit...I'd be pissed if I were you!

I think it's hysterical that you tried to use this as a way to teach you kids not to complain about meals...that's exactly what I would do...are we demented?

Eva Gallant said...

I love the "she's probably feeding them mac 'n cheese, and things they like." Your posts are always a delight!

Amy said...

Oh I loved what you said to the bird while the children were watching. It does seem that what that bird did to your porch is so true in live.. As my little one would say.. Dirty Bird.. that is what happens when we see poop every place..

The Mother said...

Did you get to watch them learn to fly? That's the best part!

Colton's Mommy said...

Yeah those Momma birds are very protective. They come flying in out of nowhere!! Glad to know that you can get your porch back now--or at least they decide it was such a nice place they want to live there through the next sets of babies as well.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

We have a robins nest in our lilac bush by our LR window. I needed to clean those windows and BOY was she MAD! She flew down at me, but I really needed those windows cleaned... I just kept on plugging away.

Screaming.

Nikki B. said...

those little boogers can shit, can't they?? the birds can, too!

next thing ya know, they'll be bringing the grand-birds on your porch, so they can shit on it, too!!

Tina... said...

Spewed on my screen again...omg, you crap my shit up. I can just see all those birds attacking your head while your babies laughed...so funny.

Twins Squared said...

Sorry about your porch - that is awful! We had a bird try to build a nest in one of our windows but it was not quite as skilled as your birds. There were weird little sticks all over the place and when Mike finally went to clean up the failed attempt he found a few eggs. :( Sad. At the same time, I am glad they didn't invade us.

I loved this post. Every bit of it was so clever! How funny is it that there were FOUR babies! And I love what you said about just flying away any time you need a break. Yeah, how come we can't do that? Ahh, the life! Sorry about your porch. Ick.

Kim said...

I love your commentary during the sweet, family moment! I mean, you have to take every opportunity to teach those kids a lesson. So funny!

I too would love 10 seconds to pee all by myself, with the door shut. I usually have one hanging on my leg and a baby on my lap... I'm pretty amazing at zipping and buttoning my pants with one hand. Not to brag, but there's not too much to be proud of around here!

Two Normal Moms said...

Oh that was funny! Well written. You are one patient mama to put up with that. I guess it's a good experience for the kids, but having to clean up the bird poop? Ick.

***Ally

Mighty M said...

Aw, glad you let them stay - so cute! That pic of momma bird glaring at you is priceless!!

Katie's Dailies said...

The line that started me off laughing was "... the friends with benefits"and from then on I was giggling like a maniac.

Wanted to ask: Ever get the feeling you're being watched? Who needs security cameras when you got those beady little bird eyes boring down on you??

Kristina P. said...

Friends with benefits. Bwwaaaahhh.

I kept waiting for the part where they poked your eye out.

Ash said...

OMG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA - i had to use CAPS coz it is freaking hilarious and i am laughing out loud! your post made my day! thanks for the awesome post and pics.

~ash's mum

Stefenie said...

WOW this was way too funny! I loved your commentary too!

MamaHen Em said...

After reading this I'll be thinking of the Hitchcock movie "The Birds" all day, because that's what popped into my head reading of Mama bird coming back with friends to attack you!

We had birds in our tree whose nest got blown down during a day of 70 mile winds (no joke) and all five baby birds died when they hit the ground. THAT was a different kind of lesson!

Heather said...

Cute pix of the baby birds. What a nasty mess they left you!

Megan said...

HAhahahahahahah I am laughing so hard. Leave it to little birds to drive us just as demented as our kids do! lol

Kim said...

What a cool post, H! The mama bird was psycho, but at least you got some good pictures. I can't get any of the birds around here to cooperate.

Crossed Fingers said...

Wow - amazing pictures! Love your story line too - you always leave me laughing! :)

Brooke said...

lmao @ "Mother’s Helper or a friend-with-benefits"

*LLUVIA* said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Oh man!!! This was funnyyyyyy!!!!

wonderchris said...

I love that she had 4 babies - so cute.

Also, this post just cemented my already firm stance on birds - they can be scary and must be viewed from AFAR. I'm glad you are okay after your attack. My fear seems (semi)rational now. :)

Michelle @ Flying Giggles said...

What an experience. Never mess with mama birds babies! She showed you...lol!

HT said...

What beautiful pics of the birds! Aren't they just the cutest little birds. I have to agree with the "leaving the @#$(*&$% on the porch" statement when they leave for college. That will definitely happen.

Nya's mom said...

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Thanks,
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christy rose said...

Wow That is a lot of crap!! :)

Ms Bibi said...

We had nest like that few years ago. I didn't care for the mess, but the boys loved to come every morning and check on the birds....till they left.

TwinsanityMom said...

Totally has nothing to do with this post, but I had to tell you I referred to my kids as the demon spawn today. After I said it I thought Helene is probably the only one who will get a good laugh out of this. :)

Amy W said...

I remember when those silly birds used to build nests at our house when we were growing up. Nasty, messy birds!!!

Donna said...

Oh I SOOOOOOO needed that laugh!! Too stinkin' funny! Friend with benefits - bwahahaha! left for hair extensions KC style - bwahahaha!

But - adorable pictures of the Momma and her babies (how weird is it that she had 4?). Last pic...not so much of the cuteness.

Yep _ I bet they'll be back. And bring their crap with 'em.

Megan said...

Oh, those baby birds are cute. The poo part is not so cute, so I feel ya there.

Annie said...

Beautiful baby birds but not so good all the poo,ewwwww.

Marianne said...

You should try going potty on their home and see how they feel about their house being used as a public restroom.

Laughed so hard at the smart ass comment about mac and cheese and food they like! HAHA! You're kids are way too quick and witty for their own good haha ;)

Aging Mommy said...

Oh that is just brilliant! Yes, I imagine our children in turn will always bring home their messes for us to sort out :-)

LucidLilith said...

A pity you can't ask the birds to pay rent. Just as you can't really ask your kids to pay rent when they move back in.

Creative Junkie said...

I swear, it's like they're leading a parallel life to yours!

Awesome photos, by the way.

Jaynie Martin said...

oh wow ... your swallows can come live with me and crap all over my porch how brill to have them nesting like that ... we had robins in our shed once was wonderful to see my mum currently has blue tits omg they are so tiny :D i would put up with crap to have the pleasure of their company what lovely photos :) xx

Theta Mom said...

The Mama Bird was more like Kate - priceless!!! And that whole poo bit, lame.

JennyMac said...

LOL...too funny. Sorry for the bird poo!

Tracie said...

That was too funny!

Kimberly said...

I love the photos, especially the one with the bird looking right at the camera.

I voted for you.

Hope to see you for "Mia Monday".

If you want to be weight loss buddies we could e-mail each other or check in on twitter.?

Karen said...

I bet those baby birds ARE like your kids. They're probably perfect angels for other people, but as soon as you get home they're squawking for food and attention and whatever else.

Glad they're grown and gone now. Hopefully they'll relocate next year and you don't end up with an aviary or something on your porch.

Mrsbear said...

Oh wretched nature. I've been dive-bombed by birds before, it isn't fun. I had to arm myself with an umbrella and a broom every time I walked out in to the yard. Hilarious, I'm sure for the onlooker, for me? Not so much. I was reliving Hitchcock's vision. And the ones nesting inside our ceiling are no better, the shit stains paint the wall beneath their little condo. Sigh.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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