Sunday, July 25, 2010

6 major discoveries I made in the last 72 hours...

The family and I are enjoying the beautiful outdoors here in Lake Tahoe so I'm posting an oldie, but goodie!!


1) My mind is constantly in the gutter. Take for instance, this innocent conversation between my two 4-yr olds:

Bella: Cole, give me one your balls.
Cole: No, I need them. I had them first. Go find your own balls to play with.
Bella: I can't find any other ones. Give me need to share.
Cole: NO!! Go away...stop trying to grab them!
Bella: I just want ONE...and then you can play with the other one.
Cole:, just take both of them. I'll go use Garrett's balls.
Bella: Mommy, Cole threw his balls at my face.

To which I responded, once I could stop myself from doubling over with laughter, "Cole, you don't throw balls at your sister's face. You could've just handed them to her"....on a silver platter, like your father did the day he married me.

Oh shush, I didn't say that last part out loud but I was certainly thinking it.

2) Hot Wheels were invented by the Devil. See this cute little helicopter Hot Wheels that Landon was dying to have?

Sure, it looks innocent at first. But when your child leaves it laying on the floor on its side, in this position:

It can mortally injure you. If you're like me, you'll learn this the hard stepping on it with your bare foot in a very dark room.

If you've ever stepped on your child's legos with your bare feet in the middle of the night, I assure you that stepping on a metal Hot Wheels vehicle is much more painful, especially when the sharp point on one of the propellers goes right into your heel. And I mean, right IN to your heel, as in penetrating the skin so the damn Hot Wheels is now attached to you.

3) I'm an even bigger wimp than I thought when it comes to pain and my husband has one of hell of a bizarre sense of humor.

After the Hot Wheels was embedded in my foot, I screamed, "Holy F*****G Hell", what did I just step on???" My husband looked at my foot and laughed. He laughed!!! I was in pain and he actually laughed.

I don't know why I should be shocked by this...this is the same man who sat in the hospital room with me on a chair next to my bed and munched on a hot meatball sandwich from Subway while I was in pre-term labor with Cole and Bella as I writhed in pain from the contractions that were coming left and right. Every 2 minutes, I would groan in pain and as he would take another bite of his sandwich, he'd say "Sorry, sweetie, that you aren't able to eat anything...but let me know if you need me, okay?"....oh, and then he laughed. He still swears to this day that he didn't realize I was in THAT much pain.

4) I have a tendency to go overboard with the "what if's" in certain situations.

Like as my husband removed the Hot Wheels helicopter from the heel of my foot, my foot immediately started bleeding. And I suddenly had images of me being confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Why? Because what if I developed an infection from having this metal propeller jammed into my foot. And what if gangrene then set in and I'd have to have my foot cut off.

Then what if we couldn't afford an artificial foot and I'd have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Or what if I get lead poisoning and I die and my poor kids have to go the rest of their life telling people that they lost their mother to an unfortunate helicopter accident....they'd have to make it sound more dramatic than it really was because who would've thought someone could die after stepping on a child's TOY.

Tim suddenly interrupted me and said, "Well, now that's just stupid....we wouldn't be letting our kids play with toys made with lead paint".

I responded, "Oh no....but we'll let them play with toys with such sharp and dangerous edges that it could actually impale a body part." Lookie here at the result of my mortal injury....

5) The ability to cause someone to feel guilty is a very powerful thing.

When I handed my husband his Valentine's Day card, he joked with me and said, "What? No present?" and I responded, "Hmmm, well, let's see....I gave birth to your FOUR children in a period of TWO tummy now jiggles like jello, my boobs look like two fried eggs hanging on nails, and my pelvic floor muscles are still so weak from giving birth to TWO sets of TWINS that everytime I laugh, sneeze, cough or lift one of the kids, I pee in my pants a little....I think that pretty much covers me for the next 10 years' worth of Valentine's Day gifts".

What could he say after that? Not much, except to retreat to the family room with his tail tucked between his legs. Where was my Valentine's Day present? Apparently, still sitting in the jewelry case at Macy's.

6) Watching Oprah will only give you nightmares and could possibly destroy your marriage.

Sure, I love Oprah. But then she does shows on cheating husbands (did you know that 1 out of every 3 husbands will cheat on their wives?) and I have nightmares for days about it. Every morning I'll wake up and say to Tim, "I had another nightmare that you were cheating on me". He tries to turn it around and says, "does someone have a guilty conscious?".

Yeah, right....after taking care of the kids for 10 hours by myself, cooking meals all day and cleaning the house, I actually have the brain power to come up with a fabulous lie like, say, I need to do some grocery shopping at 9:00 at night....and then go to my lover's house and boink him real quick and still get home in time to get in bed by 10:00 so I can do it all over again the next day??

So no more Oprah for me.... Registered & Protected


Kristina P. said...

I have a dirty mind and do the What If's too. What if I didn't have a dirty mind?

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo.. my mind stays in the gutter. it makes life bearable lol.. I loved this post too close to home..

Marcia (123 blog) said...

LOL I'm with you on the Oprah thing - now and again, I'll get a bee in my bonnet and say "weird stuff" to D, and he'll be like, "have you been watching Oprah or Dr Phil again?"


The Mother said...

Watching Oprah is definitely hazardous to your health. The pseudo-science crap that she spills would be hilarious, if not for her credulous audience.

BTW: Hot Wheels were only a trial run by the devil, who has seriously scored with : BIONICLES.

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

I'm bad about the "what if" scenarios, too! I think it's called "tragedy rehearsal", where you go through worst-case scenarios in your mind to try to mentally prepare yourself for what's ahead. Some of mine can be pretty far-fetched when I step back to look - and laugh! - at myself. :)

And our girls aren't old enough for Legos yet, but I nearly had a major accident climbing over the baby gate this weekend. These and other hazards should be included in the Baby Handbook, right?!

Great post!

Ms Bibi said...

Thank you for my morning laugh.

Yes, they do hand them to us on a silver platter don't they?

I love Oprah as well, but the woman takes it one step further everytime,lol.

Twins Squared said...

Like the last one! Seriously, who would ever have the time or energy to cheat?

Eva Gallant said...

Loved this post! You gave me a good chuckle this morning!

LucidLilith said...

Seriously? He was eating subway while you were in labor? Okay, girlfriend, for next V-day, you should ask for a nice tummy-tuck and a boob job. Yup, he gots to pay for all the labor you went through. Plus, it is an investment for him in the long run,

Heligirl said...

OMG, this is FABLULOUS! I'm laughing so hard at it all. I love it. I saw a link to your site on Ballard Boys and I'm so psyched I followed it. I'm your newest follower and am looking forward to getting to know you better. My little ones are 1 and almost 3, so the toys are starting to appear for foot impallation in our home. And I'm a helicopter pilot, and the kids like the helicopter toys. I'm screwed. No more bare feet for me. :)

RLooney@afamilyoflooneys said...

Love your post!!!!!

Nezzy said...

Golly gee, I'll never watch Oprah the same again. Your too funny girl!

God bless ya and have a super day!!!

MiMi said...

I've had that exact injury from those devil made hotwheels!!!

kel said...

Heeheee... that was the funniest conversation.. my mind would have been in the gutter too!

Missie said...

I felt your pain. I've stepped on a few toys that left me bleeding too.

Have a good week!

Traci said...

I hope you are enjoying the vacation and as a new follower, I'm glad that you shared this -- it certainly is a goodie! And yes, I have personally experienced the wrath of the Hot Wheels!

debi9kids said...

OH! This was fantastic! I have a horrible dirty mind made 1000% worse when kids have innocent conversations like that. LMAO!

ps Eggs hanging from nails! OMG! I thought I was going to choke to death on my water when i read that!

Creative Junkie said...

hey, I remember this one! Just as good the second time around.

Enjoy Lake Tahoe!

Wendy said...

Toys on the floor are another reason I have resorted to walking with my head down a majority of the time...since I have had a child. Sorry you had to endure it, but it was worth the read!

allison tait said...

I'm the Queen of What If as well. It drives me mad - and my husband even madder. Loved your post. Just found you, will be back!

Mighty M said...

I love What If's! Or at least I must since I say them all the time!!

I giggle every time someone says "balls", no matter what the context. :)

Donna said...

SOOOOOOOOOoooooo thankful you "re-posted" this as it's a new one for me!!

Freakin' LOVED it!! I most loved that you got your hubby to take the picture of your foot! lol

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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