1) My mind is constantly in the gutter. Take for instance, this innocent conversation between my two 4-yr olds:
Bella: Cole, give me one your balls.
Cole: No, I need them. I had them first. Go find your own balls to play with.
Bella: I can't find any other ones. Give me one...you need to share.
Cole: NO!! Go away...stop trying to grab them!
Bella: I just want ONE...and then you can play with the other one.
Cole: Fine....here, just take both of them. I'll go use Garrett's balls.
Bella: Mommy, Cole threw his balls at my face.
To which I responded, once I could stop myself from doubling over with laughter, "Cole, you don't throw balls at your sister's face. You could've just handed them to her"....on a silver platter, like your father did the day he married me.
Oh shush, I didn't say that last part out loud but I was certainly thinking it.
2) Hot Wheels were invented by the Devil. See this cute little helicopter Hot Wheels that Landon was dying to have?
Sure, it looks innocent at first. But when your child leaves it laying on the floor on its side, in this position:
It can mortally injure you. If you're like me, you'll learn this the hard way....by stepping on it with your bare foot in a very dark room.
If you've ever stepped on your child's legos with your bare feet in the middle of the night, I assure you that stepping on a metal Hot Wheels vehicle is much more painful, especially when the sharp point on one of the propellers goes right into your heel. And I mean, right IN to your heel, as in penetrating the skin so the damn Hot Wheels is now attached to you.
3) I'm an even bigger wimp than I thought when it comes to pain and my husband has one of hell of a bizarre sense of humor.
After the Hot Wheels was embedded in my foot, I screamed, "Holy F*****G Hell", what did I just step on???" My husband looked at my foot and laughed. He laughed!!! I was in pain and he actually laughed.
I don't know why I should be shocked by this...this is the same man who sat in the hospital room with me on a chair next to my bed and munched on a hot meatball sandwich from Subway while I was in pre-term labor with Cole and Bella as I writhed in pain from the contractions that were coming left and right. Every 2 minutes, I would groan in pain and as he would take another bite of his sandwich, he'd say "Sorry, sweetie, that you aren't able to eat anything...but let me know if you need me, okay?"....oh, and then he laughed. He still swears to this day that he didn't realize I was in THAT much pain.
4) I have a tendency to go overboard with the "what if's" in certain situations.
Like as my husband removed the Hot Wheels helicopter from the heel of my foot, my foot immediately started bleeding. And I suddenly had images of me being confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Why? Because what if I developed an infection from having this metal propeller jammed into my foot. And what if gangrene then set in and I'd have to have my foot cut off.
Then what if we couldn't afford an artificial foot and I'd have to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Or what if I get lead poisoning and I die and my poor kids have to go the rest of their life telling people that they lost their mother to an unfortunate helicopter accident....they'd have to make it sound more dramatic than it really was because who would've thought someone could die after stepping on a child's TOY.
Tim suddenly interrupted me and said, "Well, now that's just stupid....we wouldn't be letting our kids play with toys made with lead paint".
I responded, "Oh no....but we'll let them play with toys with such sharp and dangerous edges that it could actually impale a body part." Lookie here at the result of my mortal injury....
5) The ability to cause someone to feel guilty is a very powerful thing.
When I handed my husband his Valentine's Day card, he joked with me and said, "What? No present?" and I responded, "Hmmm, well, let's see....I gave birth to your FOUR children in a period of TWO years...my tummy now jiggles like jello, my boobs look like two fried eggs hanging on nails, and my pelvic floor muscles are still so weak from giving birth to TWO sets of TWINS that everytime I laugh, sneeze, cough or lift one of the kids, I pee in my pants a little....I think that pretty much covers me for the next 10 years' worth of Valentine's Day gifts".
What could he say after that? Not much, except to retreat to the family room with his tail tucked between his legs. Where was my Valentine's Day present? Apparently, still sitting in the jewelry case at Macy's.
6) Watching Oprah will only give you nightmares and could possibly destroy your marriage.
Sure, I love Oprah. But then she does shows on cheating husbands (did you know that 1 out of every 3 husbands will cheat on their wives?) and I have nightmares for days about it. Every morning I'll wake up and say to Tim, "I had another nightmare that you were cheating on me". He tries to turn it around and says, "does someone have a guilty conscious?".
Yeah, right....after taking care of the kids for 10 hours by myself, cooking meals all day and cleaning the house, I actually have the brain power to come up with a fabulous lie like, say, I need to do some grocery shopping at 9:00 at night....and then go to my lover's house and boink him real quick and still get home in time to get in bed by 10:00 so I can do it all over again the next day??
So no more Oprah for me....