Now that I've banished myself to the sofa on a voluntary time-out, I've had some time to think and I owe you all a huge apology for my behavior the other day. I acted like a huge jerk...a mother out of control, if you will.
While the morning went well, the afternoon left much to be desired.
As I was trying to get you all ready to to go the park, you were fighting with one another...yelling, screaming and flat out ignoring my requests. I was losing my patience quickly and I knew it.
Instead of taking a deep breath and counting to 10, I chose to open my mouth and say outloud whatever came to mind.
And once I started, it was hard to stop...
"I'm trying to get you ready to go to the park and I'm practically having to beg you to get your shoes on and whatnot. Trust me, you're not doing me any favors by LETTING me take you. Why do I always have to nag you guys to get ready to go somewhere..."
As if my words fell on deaf ears, you all continued to fight with one another...sometimes getting to the point of a physical brawl.
That angered me even more. And though my brain was screaming at me to quit while I was ahead, I continued to carry on.
"You know, sometimes I just want to run away...just pack my bags and leave. You all probably wouldn't care...or even notice, for that matter."
Still, the arguing continued to the point where I threw myself down on the sofa...physically and mentally giving up.
Then it became quiet...that must have been when you all noticed I wasn't chasing you around the house anymore, begging you to put on your shoes.
"Mommy," Bella had asked, "Aren't we leaving?"
I had answered, "What do you think I've been trying to do these last 10 minutes? I'm practically BEGGING you all to LET me take you to the park. Do you even realize how pathetic that is?? Why does it always come down to this?"
Now that I had your complete attention, I went in for the kill...
"What was God thinking when He made me a mother?! I'm obviously not cut out for this! Do you all think He realizes now what a huge mistake He made?" I screamed, completely out of control.
Oh yes, I went there. Once the words left my mouth, I knew the damage had been done.
Those are words you say to a girlfriend when you're venting about a tough day with the kids....or a play-by-play you give your husband when he comes home from a day at work and makes the mistake of asking how your day went.
Those are not the words one should ever say to her kids...never.
However, I am only human and I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that there are times when I wonder what God saw in me, as far as strength and patience, when He thought I'd make a great candidate to raise two sets of twins.
During my struggle with infertility, I had envisioned having a beautiful family, all of us holding hands and sprinting through the lovely green grass on rolling hills, singing songs as if we were straight out of The Sound of Music...
...and I dreamed you all would thank God every night in your prayers for choosing me as your mother.
That's not reality, though.
For me, reality is having to repeat myself over and over again until I finally have your full attention, cleaning up the same messes continuously, cooking for little people who scream "eeewww" at the very sight of something green on their plate, wiping snotty noses and kissing owies.
By that same token, reality is also having my cheeks smothered with wet, sloppy kisses numerous times a day, hearing whispered "I love you's" each night before bedtime and the sound of true belly laughs which fill our home with nothing but pure joy and happiness.
Reality is this...
...spending my days and nights with four precious children.
It's clear that God knew what He was doing when He chose me to be your mother. Yes, He definitely did.
All my life one of my biggest challenges has been lack of patience. And what better way for me to learn about restraint and composure than delivering four of His most energetic and spirited little angels directly into my arms.
So, I messed up....I had a bad day. I'm sorry. I was frustrated with your behavior and the manner in which I chose to deal with it was not only embarrassing but it was uncalled for.
You all have to meet my halfway, though. When I ask you to do something, please just do it...don't ignore me or make me chase after you repeatedly.
I know we can't erase what's happened already but we can officially declare it as a "do over".
Love you guys so much!
Your very tired, but loving mother...who's never too proud to admit when she's made a big mistake
* Thank you to everyone who showed their support and encouragement in reference to Tuesday's blog post! You all are nothing short of AMAZING!!!!
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