Thursday, July 1, 2010

In need of weight loss tips? I got some for you...

At the beginning of every new year, it seems many of us decide that weight loss should be among the numerous goals.

However, after a few weeks, we get bored. We get tired. And we get angry...angry at all those people out there who complain incessantly, "No matter what I eat, I can't seem to gain weight."

Whatever. Bitches.

We all can't afford to have Jillian Michaels move in with us to get our asses in gear...even though we kill ourselves doing the 30-Day Shred while fantasizing that she's right there in person with us, yelling obscenities in our faces and reducing us to blubbering cry-babies who beg forgiveness for eating an entire coffee cake at breakfast all by ourselves...oh wait, that was just me...

So put down the diet books...stop reading the health magazines...stop thinking you need a nutrition degree from schools online...stop starving yourself...just stop the insanity already!

I'm gonna share some weight loss tips that should be pretty simple to implement into your daily life.

Ready? Here we go....

1) Keep meals under 400 calories.

So technically, under this rule, there's no problem with making an ice cream sundae a meal.

Seriously, consider all the nutritious value it has - calcium from the ice cream, protein and fiber from the nuts, potassium from the banana and if you add a cherry to the top, consider it a part of your fruit requirement for the day.

Wash it all down with a cup of water and you should have no problem keeping this meal under 400 calories.

2) Use the kids as dumbbells.

For those of us who have children and/or work with children, we're picking kids up ALL. DAY. LONG.

Lay on the floor and lift Johnny up and down over your chest 50 times. Carry your toddler on your hip for 5 hours straight. Juggle your twins in a Baby Bjorn, one on your front and one on your back.

The kids are comfy and're getting your's a win-win the way I see it.

3) Eat more fiber.

Sure, this may lead to more bathroom visits but this is where you can kill two birds with one stone.

Since our kids don't understand the meaning of "privacy" anyway, ask them to grab a fun book and pull up a chair next to the toilet. You can read to them while you take care of business.

Think of all the time you can devote to other activities now that reading and pooping are out of the way.

4) Burn extra calories with exercise.

I'm not a huge fan of working out. But here are some ways to burn off calories without feeling like it's exercise....

Have sex - For 30 minutes of sex, you burn 85 calories. Throw some foreplay in beforehand and you can burn an additional 65 calories.

Kissing - At the very least, if you're not up for sex, kissing burns 2-3 calories per minute. It could lead to sex though so be careful. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Dance - Who says vacuuming has to be boring? Dance while you vacuum. The kids will love it. Or....wait until the kids are in bed and put on a sexy bra and panties and then vacuum. If your husband/boyfriend/partner is home, this may lead to sex....and another 85 calories burned off.

Tag - Play a game of tag with the kids. Do jumping jacks while you run. Try not to trip and fall I do.

Arm wrestling - Do this with the kids. But don't let them win or you won't burn any calories. Keep in mind, though, that you'll probably spend the rest of the day listening to your kid whine about how unfair life is while you have to explain that life wouldn't be any fun if it were fair all the time.

Climb a tree - When you reach the top, scream for help. If you're lucky, a hot, sexy firefighter will rescue you (which, for those of you single ladies or those fortunate enough to be married to the hot, sexy firefighter, could lead to another 85 calories burned...)

Do squats, but only on an empty stomach - Squats can easily be done while waiting in line at the grocery store or at the mall. not eat a bean burrito, cabbage or broccoli beforehand.

It's bad enough that just doing squats in a public place, other than the gym, will earn you some unwanted attention.

But letting one rip while doing it...well, that will bring you some notoriety that you just can't afford, with the price of gas being as high as it is, it'll be rather costly to continuously drive to the next town to buy your groceries.

So repeat with squats, but only on an empty stomach.

6) Drink more.

I suppose most of the diet gurus are referring to drinking WATER but that's not necessarily set in stone. Plain water can be boring, especially when that's all you've been drinking.

Why not drink some orange juice...with a little bit of vodka mixed in?

Now you've got yourself a yummy screwdriver...go for the calcium-enriched OJ and not only are you getting a healthy dose of vitamin C but your bones are getting stronger with every sip.

Then sit back and enjoy your drink, knowing your body is thanking you for taking such good care of it.

7) Watch your fat intake.

As it goes into your mouth. You won't burn any calories but your far-sighted vision may improve slightly.

8) Brush your teeth.

If you feel like you might just raid the fridge after a long, exhausting day, simpy grab your toothbrush and brush those teeth. You'll feel all minty fresh and ice cream will be the furthest thing from your mind.

I can't say the same about that chilled bottle of wine, though. That'll be on your mind 24/7 no matter's par for the course.

9) Eat each and every meal with your children, if you have some. If not, feel free to borrow my children.

Besides having to bop up and down constantly serving their every whim (you know the routine..."I need more juice", "I want more ranch dressing"), you'll more than likely lose your appetite pretty darn quickly... they spit food onto your plate while they talk, dig their germ-infested fingers into your food and permeate the entire kitchen with a smell that's horrid enough to make skeletons turn over in their grave while they try to "out-fart" one another.

10) Life is too short.

Sure, you can starve yourself and spend hours at the gym, sweating like Richard Simmons on a good day.

Or you can just vow to eat healthier and make better choices from this point forward. Don't cry over the chocolate cake you stuffed down your throat while watching The Biggest Loser. Tomorrow's another day, right?

You can start off in baby steps. Switch out the soda for water. Instead of drinking apple juice, eat an apple.

But don't deny yourself either. If you want ice cream, have some, for crying out loud. Just eat it out of a small bowl rather than sitting down with the entire carton in front of you.

Life is too short to constantly be worrying about every single morsel you put in your mouth. Enjoy life...just make good choices in the meantime. Registered & Protected


Kristina P. said...

I also recommend watching the scene from New Moon, where Edward is topless and he has weird nipples, which will help induce vomiting.

Oh, and I just got a tapeworm.

Amy W said...

Squats in public on an empty stomach - now that's priceless advice, right there! I can't believe you're not charging for this stuff!!

Annie said...

I love your post and btw, with some points I laugh a lot.

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

11) Read witty blogs and laugh out loud. C'mon...that's gotta burn at least 1/2 the calories I just consumed eating that bag of candy orange slices, right???

Jovial Jess said...

You forgot my favorite way to burn calories!! LAUGHING!!!

Buckeroomama said...

I sit here reading your post with a bag of chips in front of me! Gotta live, people. BUT I do have a big jug of water to wash it down. I figure that should cancel the chips out... somehow.

Marianne said...

LOL! My kind of diet advice! I knew you wouldn't disappoint ;)

I have a post in the works about my issues with food. I wish I could say your advice cured all that, but it didn't. It did however make me laugh, which surely burned calories, no?

The brush your teeth tip was actually really, really good advice. Of course, if I did that, I'd probably brush away the enamel from brushing away cravings too much baha!

Jenny said...

I'm reading this at almost 11 p.m. and trying to decide what I want to eat! I'm hungry! LOL!

My favorite part of the post is the hot firefighter. Why are they always so good looking? The paramedics around here are good looking too!

In fact, when I rode in front with one on the way to the hospital he told me that they are paramedics and firefighters. They rotate. How hot is that?!

Jan said...

I am dying here...funny stuff!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Thanks, now all I want to do is have sex with my husband and he's already in bed. Something about he has a headache.

Megan said...

Is it sad that this post made me crave ice cream? And wine?

I'm hopeless. ;-)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

And can I add, chew gum and pretend like it's really steak and lobster?

Well, it doesn't work for me but maybe for someone just might!

I love the make sure you get plenty of juice...with a nip of vodka...sounds good to me.

Ash said...

LOL@no. 4 and did you know about no. 8 coz of me (like some far away connection mind reading thingy)? coz i do brush my teeth right after dinner to stop me from raiding the fridge. :)

~ash's mum

Tropical Mum said...

I bet Tim would enjoy this post if he knew that all roads lead to sex!

This is a timely post for me as I have been enjoying life to the fullest lately, and of course that means my tummy is full too.

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

I love it! You are hilarious! Great tips, Helene.

Brooke said...

love the tips! :)

Carly said...

Maybe you should look into doing Stand up...LOL you are too funny:)

The Mother said...

Latest research is implying that it's not the fat you eat, but the high glycemic carbs. So load up on veggies and cut out the white carbs and sugar. It'll go a long way toward getting off the pounds.

NB: Women should NOT do squats. We don't have the pelvic musculature to support them. So if you don't want to have to have that uterus propped back into position surgically, can the squats, join a gym and use a hip sled.

Creative Junkie said...

I'm sorry ... I didn't get past the 30 minutes of sex. I can't believe I've only been burning 28 calories at a time.

Eva Gallant said...

I loved, loved this post. And there were some good things in it among the humourous ones. And you're right! Life is too short. Healthy is nothing but the slowest possible rate at which to die.

Living It, Loving It said...

Good advice Helene. Yesterday, I was so busy dealing with kids’ stuff after work (including a toddler hair cut- I am sure you know that toddlers start crying and screaming the minute they see the hairdresser - just like a visit to the doctor), to errands and a trip to the grocery store that I forgot to eat dinner. In the evening, they (my boys and my nephews - 4 boys under one roof for an entire month while they are visiting with my sister) were jumping like they had two cups of sugar each for dinner that I forgot to eat. Come ten p.m., they are all knocked out five minutes after their heads hit the pillow, and I realize that I am HUNGRY(all caps means I was starving). So I said F*** it, I am eating what I want and I don’t care if it is too late to eat, and I ate something fattening because I really NEEDED it. Sometimes, the reality of life is hard hitting and you have to eat something you probably shouldn’t but as long as we don’t make it a habit...I suppose we are safe. Otherwise, we will have plenty of time to be and feel beautiful when they are older.

Mighty M said...

Very true and great tips! I especially love #6. :)

Kim said...

Great advice. And I love the combination of pooping and reading. Usually I'm just trying to kick my toddler off my leg as he attempt to peer into the toilet. And can I offer up my kids for dinnertime as well? Because I would like to enjoy my whole serving of chips without someone reaching over the table, repeating incessantly, "some more chips, mama, some more?"

You have the best sense of humor and I can't wait to catch up on your posts from the last couple weeks.

Shelby at - The Twins and Multiples Bookstore said...

How do you manage to get funnier?! I swear with each post I end up laughing more and more. You are such a great writer.

The best piece of diet advice I've ever gotten was "Eat when you are hungry." I started to pay attention to when I ate and I realized that there were many times during the day that I ate without being hungry.


Alicia said...

You're such a crack up, Helene!!

Jen said...

Totally going to follow this advice.

Aging Mommy said...

Ice cream substituting for a meal I am totally a fan of - Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch in particular but just about any B&J will do. Also the wine is always cooling in the fridge :-)

Anonymous said...

This list cracked me up. When my son was an infant people kept complimenting my arms. I wasn't working out, but I was carrying around a 30 lb 6-month old all day. So it did pay off a bit!

Mrsbear said...

Haha. I draw the line at sharing my toilet time with the kids, I purposely lock myself in there for longer than I need in order to retain some sanity.

Although there was a thing in my Fitness magazine about screwdrivers, use the Tropicana 50 for less sugar and it's almost healthy for you. ;)

Tiffany said...

Love it! It is all about the small choices though isn't it? Still have fun and enjoy life - just make some small choices that will add up to a good effect.

Ms Bibi said...

Love it!!!!

I need to build a new weight loss plan around it starting Monday

Happy 4th of July!

shortmama said...

I knew I was doing it all wrong!

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

I'm married to a hot firefighter, don'tcha know ;)

Zeemaid said...

oh I love how you justify the OJ and vodka. PUt like that it just seems to reasonable. ;)

Amber said...

I have come across your blog a few different times but after reading this post I am defenitly becoming a follower! I love your blog so far and will be taking a look around.

Diana said...

ROTFL!!! Just laughing has helped me lose a few!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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