Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Pouring my heart out...the PPD edition



It's time to pour my heart out again...with Shell at Things I Can't Say.

Why are some women so afraid to talk openly about their experience with post-partum depression?

It saddens me that people can talk freely about their political opinions or sexual preferences, yet some women still feel nothing but shame and embarrassment when it comes to admitting they suffer (or have suffered) from PPD.

Because I'm an open book (or maybe it's just that I have no shame), I want to share a little more now than I have in previous posts on the subject.

And as a forewarning, this is going to be a brutally honest and graphic post so if you find the subject matter disturbing, please don't read any further.

My experience with PPD was devastating and debilitating. I suffered from it after I had Cole and Bella, though I didn't realize that's exactly what it was until after I had Garrett and Landon.

The depression hit me like a ton of bricks 7 months after the 2nd set of twins were born. Yes, SEVEN months later.

People usually think PPD takes hold of you almost immediately. It doesn't...it can capture you and hold you hostage within the first 12 months after giving birth.

And that's exactly what it feels like...as if you're a prisoner in your own body.

It's isolating, frustrating and downright scary...and that's putting it mildly.

With Cole and Bella, I was on auto-pilot the first few months after their birth. Survival mode at its best. I didn't have the choice to just lay in bed in the dark...I had 2 babies depending on me, needing me to keep it together for their sake.

I remember specifically when I started to suffer from intrusive thoughts, after having our 1st set of twins. I put them in the double stroller and took them for a long walk. After having been up with them most of the night, I needed some fresh air.

Along my route, we passed a lake and a horrible thought quickly entered my mind....what if I just let the stroller roll into the water? Would I jump in afterwards to rescue my babies or would I hide behind a bush and watch the stroller submerge?

In my head, I could imagine hearing their screams of fear, as they would sink deeper into the water. Would the water be cold? Would they die quickly or would they suffer?

It was extremely disturbing and I was mortified that such a thought had entered my mind. I knew I would never actually do such a thing but where did that thought come from?

I had wanted children so desperately, having gone through 3 rounds of IVF to finally conceive these children. And here I was, imagining their death...imagining MYSELF as the one who was responsible for causing their death.

I never mentioned those frightening thoughts to anyone and I avoided taking that path by the lake in the future when I would take Cole and Bella on walks.

Unfortunately, avoiding the lake didn't stop the distressing thoughts from plagueing my mind.

On another day I had taken them for a walk and as I pushed them along I noticed most of the cars were passing us at breakneck speed. I envisioned myself pushing their stroller into the way of an oncoming car.

Again, the entire incident played out in my head. Would I just stand there and watch? Or would I run into the street after them, putting my own life in jeopardy to save my babies? How far would their stroller be thrown into the air?

I could picture their battered, lifeless bodies on the concrete.

From that point on, I tried not to leave the house....too scared that another intrusive thought would enter my mind.

I struggled on a daily basis to conquer the demons that threatened to devour me. Within time, I was able to control the thoughts to the point where they became far and few between.

However, after the birth of our 2nd twins, PPD gripped me once again and it was so much worse than before.

Instead of suffering from intrusive thoughts at random times, I began having the upsetting thoughts all the time.

When giving the babies a bath in the kitchen sink, I'd see the garbage disposal switch out of the corner of my eye and visualize turning it on, watching their tiny limbs being chopped into a thousand bloody pieces.

I imagined myself tossing them over the balcony of the stairs that led to their bedroom. At night when they would cry, I could easily see myself smothering them with a pillow.

Often times, I'd lock myself in my bedroom and cry right along with them, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

It wasn't only the intrusive thoughts that were alarming. I walked around in an angry rage all day long....yelling and screaming over the most unimportant things, such as Tim not replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom.

I thought about killing myself at least 3 times a day, googling which way would be the quickest, yet least painful while dreams of packing my bags and running away often consumed me.

At this time, I also began suffering from panic attacks, which would literally seize me in my tracks. My brain was in a constant state of alert...always working, always thinking, always planning.

I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat...I don't even know how I managed to function most of the time. Every move I made was forced and mechanical, completely void of emotion.

Making feeble attempts in seeking help, I would say to Tim, "I can't do this anymore. I just wish I could completely vanish into thin air".

And he would say, "You just need to get more sleep".

Once, I told him, "We should put the babies in foster care. I'm a horrible mother. I don't deserve them. They deserve a mother who loves them and can protect them".

Surprised, he had asked, "You want to put the kids up for adoption!?" and I'd say, matter-of-factly, "Yes, I do".

The look in his eyes was one of utter confusion and anger. Eventually, he would become resentful and bitter.

He didn't understand it...he didn't know where all this was coming from. The scary thing was, neither did I. Even though I suspected it might be PPD, I still didn't want to admit it to anyone, least of all myself.

This continued for awhile....I wrestled with the intrusive thoughts, even though I knew I didn't have it in me to act on them. That was my one saving grace, the fact that, deep inside, I was still a rational person.

In terms of the panic attacks, I tried to convince myself that I wasn't trapped and that I could leave at any time. I kept a suitcase full of clothes and essentials in the garage so I could take flight, if need be.

I struggled through every minute, every hour of the day to not feel any pain. After each long, exhausting day, I would retire to my bedroom, where I wished I could vanish into a puff of smoke and simply not exist anymore.

Wasn't a mother supposed to love and protect her children, cherish and enjoy every single minute of motherhood? Why didn't I feel that way? How had I turned into a such an ugly monster?

My breakthrough happened on November 9, 2007. My plan was to leave and never come back.

That morning, I completely broken down after Garrett had screamed and cried endlessly for 2 whole hours in the morning. My nerves were frayed and I couldn't think straight. I began yelling at him, "Shut up, just shut up....I can't listen to you scream anymore".

But the more I yelled, the more he cried. I failed to notice that his distress was a direct result of how I was reacting to him. Instead of comforting and reassuring him, as a mother should, I became more irritable and upset.

I laid him on the changing table and he continued to cry. In my disconnected mind, I interpreted his agitation as if he were saying, "You're a terrible mother. You don't deserve to have children".

Placing my hand over his mouth, I looked down at him and screamed, "Shut up...please shut up! I cannot do this anymore! I could smother you right now...just shut the hell up!"

Upon hearing this, Tim flew down the stairs in an instant and yelled at me, "Leave...just get out, right now!"

I screamed back, "Fine! I'm all packed and ready to go. And I'm never coming back. Fuck you!"

I threw my suitcase into the car, drove straight to the bank and withdrew $500 from my own personal savings account.

And then I sat in the car and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity....

In the end, I did reach out for help. Finally. I had to.

I was sinking quickly and feared going under so deeply that I may never find my way back. I hated what I had become and didn't want my children to grow up scared of me.

They deserved a childhood filled with happiness, laughter and joy, not anger, resentment and sadness. And I didn't want my husband to hate me for the rest of his life.

I admitted to myself that I couldn't do it anymore on my own. These feelings weren't going away, no matter what I did.

After getting in touch with my former therapist and attending weekly sessions with him, I began to feel the old "me" shining through again. I also started taking an anti-depressant, which took awhile to kick in, but when it did, I felt the results with a huge relief.

Finally, it didn't hurt to be alive every minute of the day and I could hug my children and hold them tight without the fear of harming them.

Soon, the good days outweighed the bad days. It certainly wasn't overnight and I did have some setbacks here and there, which were frightening but, with the therapy and anti-depressant, I was able to overcome the PPD.

Thankfully, I found my way back again.

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60 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

I once had a professor GASP in horror that I was willing to openly talk about suffering from depression in the past. I feel like depression is something that some people look down upon. Sad.

Kristina P. said...

Helene, I so appreciate your raw honesty.

I've never had kids, but I went through a really scary period of anxiety and panic attacks, and I had a dream where I killed my husband, and I could shake those thoughts and disturbing images for a while. I thought I was homicidal, and it was scary.

I hope people read your post and recognize what is going on.

Yellow said...

Helene~
Thank you so much for posting this. With my first born I didnt sleep for about 2 weeks, and I yelled at her a lot to shut the hell up. I was a new mom and didnt understand that it was okay to pee without her next to me (Husband was away working so it was just me 24/7). I have also lived with depression, mostly in my teens.


After the first two weeks with my oldest dd, and with the other two I had a kind of High, not depression when they were born. I was happy, I kept the house clean, I did stuff, It really felt like a high. Most of the parents I talked to about this just don't get it.

I think it is hard when your body goes into one extream or another.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I'm glad that you shared that it was 7 months later that you experienced PPD the first time. So women don't realize that that's what it is and think that they are literally losing their minds.

I know that you've helped someone by sharing what you have. I'm glad though, that there was that light that led you out of the dark tunnel that you were in. You ARE a good mommy!!

Shelby said...

Wow thank you for sharing your story. It took guts for you to do that and you are very brave!

Aurora Macaroni Kid said...

Helene-
This must have been very hard for you to write. And I am proud of you for doing so, and thankful. I did not experience ppd to that extent, but I still deal with it every day as we are still trying to figure out the correct dosage. And my baby is far older than one...but apparently if you don't treat it, it doesn't go away. And I feel shame. My mom won't hear of it....there is always an excuse. But the outright anger scared me. I think this was such an important post, and I KNOW you helped someone! Because those feelings, and the guilt afterwards, are devastating

Proud Wifey And Mommii of 3 said...

I think I cried the whole time that I read this. I suffered from PPD and still suffer from Depression.

You are one brave women to put it out there like this, but maybe this is what women need to read in order t orealize that in way or the other eveyone goes through a sort of rough time.

Thanks so much for sharing your story.

Alicia said...

Wow, Helene!! What humility to write this on your blog. I know that this is going to help so many women!! I think I had some post partum after my 4th child, but I didn't realize that that's what it was. I felt so unattached and never wanted to carry him. Praise God that you never took that next step in ever harming your children, and that you also sought out help for it. BIG HUGS!!!!!

Ash said...

it was horrible to read on but good on you for crying your thoughts out. i haven't suffered PPD but if i do (in future) then i'd like to seek urgent help rather than denying that i've PPD.

thanks for this post!

hugs
~ash's mum

Meathead said...

I remember when my son was 10 months old. I hit such a hard spot. I was a "statistic" - single mom on welfare. And that's all I felt like. One night he was in the bath and I remember thinking how easy it would be to just hold him under the water and end it.
For a couple weeks at night when he started waking up, I would scream at him that it was time for sleep and that being awake at that time was ruining my life. It took me a couple weeks, but I finally got help. It was so horrible. 9 years later I still feel guilty for that.
Thank goodness he doesn't remember any of that and thank goodness I got help.
Thanks for sharing your story.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Thank you so much for posting this. I felt so much guilt and shame when I had PPD and that's what kept me from seeking help. I wish I could've seen a post like this, so I wouldn't have felt like such a horrible person.

Barb said...

I had it too, but didn't really come to recognize it until my daughter was about five. Big hugs to you. Thank you for sharing your story.

SMS said...

Girl.. you rock my face off! You are amazing. What a post. I didn't realize I had PPD until my girls were 5 months old and I was on my 4th bout of mastitis. It was humiliating to go into the OB where they were always praising me and saying what a rock star I was for nursing the girls and admit that I needed help.. badly. I have been on medication ever since and I am so thankful for it. I tried to come off once recently and it was SO obvious to me that this is just something that I need right now. This comment is fast becoming about me and that is not what I meant.. anyway.. I just think you are an incredible mom and it made my heart ache to read your post and be reminded of the thoughts that went through my own mind during that time. Thank you for your openness. If I were your friend in person I would hug your neck (that's how we say it in the south).

Rebecca said...

Thanks so much for this honesty...you're helping more people than you realize. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but so glad that you got help. That is what makes you a terrific mother.

Carly said...

Helene ,this post is amazing..To be able to tell everyone takes lots od guts. I had ppd with my 1st son and not with my 2nd. I have written that I have had it,but never went into the details of my experiance. You see I strongly felt that my MIL tried to posion my son through his infant formula. I called the cops on her and had the Formula sent to a lab to be tested. I have never bloggd about this detail because she read my blog. Still 5 years later my Husband has a hard time with me because of what I accuseed his Mother of doing. It wasn't just that.... or her. I felt like everyone was trying to kill my baby. I would not trust anyone with him. PPD is real and it can act in differant ways. Glad you are all better now:)

Jen said...

I think that most woman (and men) have no idea what PPD is about and what kind of feelings are involved. This message needs to get out there.

Thank you for putting it out there, the REAL message.

Real Math In A Minute said...

You are courageous! I know this sharing will help a lot of people and touch many more. I am hoping to be a gramma someday :) and I will really be aware. Being supportive and being intrusive as a MIL... fine line. I hope I can walk it well when the time comes.

I wish you only good!

Just Playin'

Merri Ann said...

Ditto the comment from Jen. Thank you so much for doing this post. I know you have helped someone today.

BigSis said...

It's great that you shared this. I wish more people would talk about depression. I think that would help prevent it - if it weren't such a taboo topic.

Because I'd battled with depression in the past I was terrified I'd have PPD. Fortunately, I didn't. (I was already on Prozac, so I guess that helped.) So, I'm not an expert on PPD, but I do know that being a new mommy is hard enough without other complications.

Sadia said...

Oh, Helene, thank you so much for sharing. I was fortunate not to suffer from PPD, but I was terrified that I would.

I recently learned that new fathers can suffer from something similar. I had no idea. http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/05/18/postpartum.dads/index.html

Thanks for speaking out. You're a wonderful mother.

Shell said...

Thanks so much for sharing such an honest post. I was crying as I read it.

I suffered with PPD after my third. Mine was different in that it was just everything else in my life that I couldn't deal with. My kids, I was okay...everything else- a freaking disaster. I didn't want anyone to know, so I stayed away from everyone- which of course, only made it worse.

I've never written about it. I think you've inspired me to try.

Eva Gallant said...

Wow! That post must have taken a lot of courage to write. What an awful experience. I'm glad you shared, as it may help someone else--encouraging them to seek help and to know they are not alone.

The Mother said...

Why do more people not get help? Why do women put up with this for SO long before taking advantage of our modern biochemical knowledge?

There is still a stigma about PPD. Well, any depression, but PPD specifically. Here you have a lovely, gorgeous baby (ies); how can you be depressed?

Some of it is still the old Victorian "cult of motherhood." We women were simply divinely intended to be mothers. Any deviance from that perfect image meant she was evil, sinful, wrong.

(See how history comes back to haunt us?)

Some of it is a**holes like Tom Cruise, people with vast audiences of fawning fans but without two brain cells to rub together.

In short--there are lots of reasons.

But we live in an age where we can DO something about it. Be grateful. Better living through biochemistry.

And remember our mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers, who had the same physiology with no quarter to turn to for help.

An Imperfect Momma said...

You are so courageous! Thank you for writing that. I am still crying. May God bless ya gurl.

Nezzy said...

I can't even begin to realize how hard this must have been for you to post or the multitude of 'moms' you have helped. There are those who have never experienced the pain and agony of PPD that are very quick to judge. It's a real disease and you've thrown it out there so many will know their not alone, I'm proud of you for speaking out girl.

God bless you brave lady and have a beautiful summer day!!!

Cindy said...

Thank you for being so brave and honest. I wish more people were willing to talk like this. It would help others immensely to not feel so alone in it.

Stephanie said...

Thank you so much for having the courage to write this post! I too suffered from PPD. The first time when my 2nd child was born and then again after my triplets were born. Like you, I didn't seek treatment the first time. The second time was pure hell on earth, I had no choice but to seek help or risk losing my entire family and myself. None of the family believed I was going through PPD because it was 9 months after the triplets birth. People need to realize that PPD can happen at any time and it needs to be taken seriously. Thank you so much!

Crossed Fingers said...

I have to admit this fear lies in the back of my mind - that after I give birth PPD will find me and consume me. Reading other bloggers discuss how they felt, what they did and their journey back to "normal" has helped me.

It lets me realize that if it happens, there is help, there is support, there is a way out and I'm not alone. It's something I will be on the lookout for, but hope to never experience.

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us, hopefully someone else who is suffering alone will realize they're not.

Brooke said...

wow. *hugs* thank you for sharing this to help others who maybe be struggling.

Just Add Water said...

Thank you for being so brutally honest.

MamaHen Em said...

Helene, I could have written this post myself, from the intrusive thoughts to the actually leaving my family after saying almost the exact same things to my crying three month old. I drove around for HOURS the night I left, wondering why I was such a crazy person. It never occurred to me that it was PPD. I just thought I was the worst, worst mommy ever. Thank you so much for sharing. I hate that there is still so much shame about PPD. It's real and it's scary and it's heartbreaking. Hugs to you for sharing your heart and being so transparent.

Jenny said...

Helene, I'm so glad you shared this. You will be helping so many women.

I'm so sorry that you went through this though. I also experienced infertility, but have a history of depression/anxiety and I remember telling my husband to watch me after I have the baby, just in case. He said I'd be fine, since I wanted a baby. It wasn't like it was a teen pregnancy or something. I tried to explain to him that it doesn't matter and I could have problems, but he didn't understand.

RN Mama said...

Helene, thank you for writing this. You are so brave, and brutally honest, and as someone who suffered from PPD, you are inspiring!

I can relate to the intrusive thoughts. I remember several times rocking my daughter in our guest room and picturing myself holding her by her feet and banging her head against the wall. Would I ever do this? No, but even the thought of it now is horrifying.

I ended up taking medication and going to a PPD support group, the group is what truly helped me the most!

Twins Squared said...

Helene, bless you for going through this. I am sure you were terrified, not to mention everything else you were dealing with. I remember Mike and I saying when the first set were born we totally see how people abuse their kids, because if we, normal rational people wanted to scream at them and shake the dickens out of them, then what would so many others do? We were amazed that as little happens as it does. And that is without actually having PPD in any way. That was just the severe stress and exhaustion from 2 babies.

You are brave to admit it - I can imagine how scary that is because there are so many who will judge. But especially those who haven't had multiples have no idea the toll it takes on you. And with higher order multiples, geesh! Yet it can happen to anyone and a LOT of people go through this in some degree or another.

My mind and heart really opened up to the reality of PPD when one of my closest friends (who was extremely level-headed) went through it and described to me how she wanted to kill herself and when she looked in the mirror she didn't even know who she saw anymore.

I am glad that it is behind you and SO glad that you recognized it and got the help you needed. You are a wonderful mother and your kids know it. They are blessed to have you and we all know you'd do anything to protect them. Hugs for you,

Kimberly

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

I remember reading the book, The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood before I had children. When the character Vivi takes off and leaves her 4 young children with their nanny and escapes to a hotel, I remember thinking, what the hell? Who would leave their kids? Then I had kids, and the depression set in, and I, like you, had thoughts about dropping my baby down the stairs on purpose or just leaving the baby in her crib in the middle of the afternoon and just driving. Away. far away . . . where I thought that I would feel like myself again. Of course, I had PPD, just like the chaacter Vivi probably did. If more people talked about it like you just did, I think I would not have been so alone and so terrified. You did a good thing. :)

MiMi said...

Oh, wow, thank you so much for sharing this! I wish people didn't hold it in like they do. I think a lot of things that happen could be avoided if they felt safe enough to reach out. :(

Amy W said...

I don't think I ever suffered from PPD, but I do understand the thoughts, scary as they are. Thank you for sharing, Helene! I'm so GLAD you found help and came back. :)

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates said...

Helene, it must be terrible to feel these emotions and try figure out how to deal with it all.

At times I felt so overwhelmed. Like this was way more work than I could manage. I spent many days in their nursery; never seeing the outdoors or even the downstairs!

But we pulled through. Thank God.

Elizabeth said...

Helene,
I’m very sorry you have had such a hard road to travel with your babies (starting with the IVF). As Mothers sometimes we can’t win... we (and others) hold ourselves to such unrealistic standards. You are brave and beautiful to tell your story and I think it helps us all as parents to realise that depression is a sickness that can affect us all. I wish there was no shame about post natal depression because suffering in silence or thinking you are not "normal" is the most isolating feeling in the world. I am so glad you sort help and that you slugged your way back to enjoy your life. You are very self aware so you would know that life is an up and down journey ... but I wish you lots of ups :-)

Aging Mommy said...

I did not suffer as badly as you appear to have but I did have PPD and have written about my journey back to happiness. This is a powerful and brutally honest post but is something so important to write about as I believe the majority of Moms suffer from PPD to some degree. There needs to be far more support for new Moms - if there was there would be far less of us suffering from these issues or suffering as badly as some do. So bravo for writing so honestly about your experiences.

Megan said...

Wow, Helene, this is such a powerful post. I am POSITIVE your story will help other moms out there, so kudos to you for sharing it. You are incredible and your family is beyond lucky to have you.

Angela said...

Thanks Helene for opening up about this. It is real and if more Moms could realize it earlier they'd be able to get some much deserved relief and help!

I had had depression before having our triplets off and on, so I was concerned and asked my dh to watch me closely and if he saw changes to make sure we dealt with it. I do remember having a fear of leaving water in the tub when the babies were little. I was afraid that one would fall in or worse. And since I would move babies from bed to swings in my sleep, it made it even scarier. Glad it passed, but a year later I had some reoccuring nightmares and replayed the horrible hospital stay over and over. Like it was Post Tramatic Syndrome!
Now I'm having an identity crisis stage! So keeping check on me now as well!

Thanks again for sharing! Sorry that you suffered so much. So unfair for how long you longed to be a Mommy to those babies! Hugs!

shortmama said...

I wish moms or anyone struggling with any type of depression would talk more openly about it.

Looking back now I think I suffered from PPD after my oldest was born. Not as severe as yours but I did go through feeling like a horrible failure every day and crying all the time...and mostly just feeling so alone.

Im happy that I was able to pull out of that in time and have had no setback since then

L.Michel said...

I know you as a compassionate, caring, thoughtfull mother and friend. You shock and amaze me with your brutal honesty at times like this. I am truley blessed to be able to call you my friend.

Amy said...

Thank you for sharing so openly and so deeply. I have the same story, but I have never been brave enough to tell it. I'm sure your story will help someone understand that they are not alone and they are not a "bad mom".

Kim Pennington said...

Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story. I had similar thoughts after my son (never telling anyone) and didn't realize that it was PPD.

Kim said...

thank you so so so so much for posting this. It is so necessary, so important.

*huge hugs*

Kim said...

Wow. Powerful post. I had a 2-week bout of PPD after my second child, but I recognized that it was "chemical." I don't know how to explain it really, but the depression felt like a layer over my emotions, not real somehow. I still felt miserable, though, and since then have always felt compassion for women who suffer from PPD.

Samanthafahrney said...

Im literally tearing up here because its as if you crawled inside my brain and wrote down my thoughts for the first two months of my daughters life. God bless you for being so honest!

samanthafahrney@yahoo.com

Dianna@KennedyAdventures said...

this post is so heavy for me to read, because I see so much of myself in you.

Thank God that you went back to your therapist, and went on meds, and got things heading in the right direction.

The very thought of PPD scares me to death, because I think I had it with my first daughter (not diagnose). Then, everything you read during a twin pregnancy tells you that the incidence of PPD is greatly increased with multiples --great, thanks! Argh!

Thank you for being so honest, and so frank -

purseblogger said...

Oh my gosh, I don't think I've ever read a more brutally honest and powerful post. This is amazing. Thank you for being so open with this very personal part of your life. I know you will help many with this. So glad you are feeling better. xoxo

Visiting via Shells PYHO.

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Bless you for being so honest and brave to share your story. I think doing so will help other women who feel the same feelings and think the same thoughts, and encourage them to reach out for help.

Mariboo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mariboo said...

I never knew all this! Thank you for posting this, I wish I had this blog post after I had Alaina. That was a VERY dark period and I had similar EVERYTHING that you mentioned, and am just now beginning to tell people about it. You are an AMAZING mom (much better than I am, no really) and your kids are amazing because of you. I know you don't see it sometimes, but we (your friends) do and talk about your amazingness behind your back. Love you.

Creative Junkie said...

Helene - this was a very moving post. I'm so glad you found your way through.

Erin said...

Helene,

I think I had PPD and my OB suggested it to me, but I was bf'ing at the time and put it off. ANd I was in such a thick fog, I was like a robot. we did have help at night a few times a week so I was able to rest. but I was all alone all day long with two babies all day every day.

you are so brave and amazing and inspiring. i'm in awe of you. and you are right----people talk about most everything else---but god forbid a woman think about smothering her child or a man wanting to marry another man....and all hell breaks loose. it's not fair. just proof that people need to speak out more.

i'm so glad you did. very proud of you and even prouder to call you my friend.

HUGS and LOVE to you!

Karen said...

I wish more women would talk openly about this. I've never had kids, so I have absolutely no idea what this is like. I've dealt with some depression and have struggled with really horrible thoughts from time to time, but I can't imagine going through what you did.

Perhaps if people were more willing to talk about it, more women would seek help right away and then we wouldn't have the tragedies we hear about in the news.

Heather B said...

You are an incredibly brave woman to put your story out there for others to read. And, I hope that someone living in fear of sharing those horrendous thoughts reads this post and recognizes that they can ask for help. Perhaps if more of these stories were told then the stigma wouldn't be so big and women would receive the help they need with PPD instead of being ridiculed for being a "bad mom". Thanks for putting yourself out there. Glad you got some help and found your fabulous children in the process! {{hugs}}

Zeemaid said...

I'm glad you are sharing because I think too many of us are afraid to tell anyone what's going on because we're afraid someone might take our kids away. I grew up hearing about cases where social workers went crazy and just snatched kids out of homes left with little to no good reason.

While I wasn't as severely depressed as you obviously were, I still struggled and to this day I don't think anyone really got it. I was so afraid to tell anyone about my anger issues.

Can I ask why they recommend both medication and therapy?

I am so glad you have been able to get help and found a way to be able to enjoy your children. Cause really, you are a fun mom!

January Dawn said...

Just found this post (it's 3 am and I'm feeding my 1 year old toast because he's been up four times tonight) and it made me cry. You are one brave lady. What got me and saddened me about reading the comments is how many women didn't realize what they were suffering from ... I now realize that although my experiences after my boys were born weren't as traumatic as yours I did suffer from PPD. Thank you for baring your soul.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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