This year, Helene and I are celebrating 8 years of marital devotion.
Well, maybe not celebrating as much as enduring, considering this day will be just like any other day of the year in which we both are trying to survive daily life with two sets of twins.
Don’t get me wrong, I would not give up our children for anything in this world or the next (heaven), but sometimes it feels like we have already moved on to the next world and God wiped out our memories of how we got here.
So why am I guest posting today?
Well, last year Helene came to me and said she wanted to “re-negotiate our marriage contract”.
When she asked if I'd like to do a guest post in honor of our anniversary this year, I decided to do a little re-negotiating of my own. It's only fair, right?
So here it goes (with Helene's responses in italics, because we all know she has to have the final word).
1. You will stop asking for my opinion when you damn well know my opinion doesn’t matter unless it agrees with yours.
Do not ask me questions such as, "Does my butt look fat in these jeans?"
Either your butt is fat or it is not. I, however, refuse to answer because I will be accused of lying or being insensitive. Either way, I lose and end up sleeping on the couch.
(Is it really that hard to simply say, "Sweetie, you have the nicest ass I've ever seen. I wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself." Would that kill you, seriously?)
2. You will not expect me to put on a good face and say nice things about your cooking.
You are right when you say, “I am not Julia Child”, but I probably wouldn’t like Julia Child’s cooking either.
I like simple foods like McDonalds, Jack-in-the-Box, Taco Bell, Pizza, Pasta and Chinese.
Again, I agree with you, take-out works for me. Please, why do you think I always give you restaurant names when you ask me what I want for dinner?
It’s a win-win. You don’t have to cook and I don’t have to eat two dinners.
(Since when are McDonald's and Taco Bell considered simple foods? When they cause you to be in the bathroom for hours at a time, I wouldn't exactly consider those "simple" foods. Just sayin'.)
3. If the TV is on and I am watching it, you will not speak to me. Scratch that, if the TV is on, you will not speak to me.
I know you would like me to be a good listener, but I am a man and we are married.
It is my duty as a husband to ignore you when you are talking, even though it drives you mad with rage.
Watching someone eating a pig’s colon on Fear Factor is less upsetting than listening to you gripe about how difficult it is for you to do “whatever” with the kids for the millionth time.
(For your info, Fear Factor isn't even on anymore. Get with the program...you can't tell me that Muscle Car is more important than anything I have to say, even if I am bitching about the kids....again!)
4. There will be no more romancing.
Buy yourself some flowers or jewelry, get yourself a card and say it’s from me.
Why bother with the middle man? You can just thank me when I get home.
(So, does this mean you won't freak out when you see I bought my dream home in Greece? Awesome! Happy Anniversary to ME!!)
5. You will have sex when, where, and how I say.
This is non-negotiable and, if not obeyed, will have undesirable consequences.
(Geez, I can only imagine....your mind is a dirty, evil place to be. But, tell you what...if I can fantasize that I'm doing the deed with Mark Wahlberg then your wish is my command).
6. You will greet me at the door with a smile and a kiss when I come home from work each day.
It is not my fault you had a bad day, so don’t bitch to me and then expect me to be nice to you in the morning.
I was at work all day, not on vacation.
(Last time I checked, most people don't gleefully skip out the door every morning as they say, "I'm heading to work, sweetie..." Sometimes you leave skidmarks in the driveway as you peel out. Work, my ass. Your work IS a vacation).
7. You will rinse the dishes and place them in the dishwasher in an orderly fashion.
I was forced to enjoy your cooking the first time, let’s not re-hash it.
You know me, I don’t do leftovers.
(That's what she said).
8. You will not complain to me about how hard it is to care for two sets of twins.
I told you I thought two children were more than enough, but you forced me to use you like a 2-bit whore without any contraception. You tricked me.
(Uh, no...let me remind you exactly how it happened. You asked your parents to babysit Cole and Bella. Then we went out for dinner, where you strongly encouraged me to drink a glass of wine...or three...and then you took full advantage of me when I could barely mutter the words "too tired, need sleep".)
9. You will not lecture me about using bad language around the children and then blurt out four letter expletives yourself because they are driving you stark raving mad.
(But it's so much fun to make you feel bad, especially when the windows are open and the neighbors can hear you. The neighbors never hear me curse because I've learned how to say the word "shit" under my breath with my teeth clenched).
10. You will not preach to me about flatulence and then proceed to do so in your child’s face because you saw me do it and you thought it was funny.
(I got nothing for this. It is funny. Can't deny that.)
11. Lastly, I have not forgotten about my promise to vacation in Atlantis for our 10th anniversary.
But, seeing as I get to go on vacation at work each day, I think it’s only fair that you go alone so we both can have the vacation of our dreams. Ha! Ha!
(Hey, now you're onto something...but why would I miss out on another chance to make you miserable while on vacation? I'm so good at it.)
I hope you enjoyed this post.
In case you didn’t, you can read it again in tomorrow’s obituary section.
P.S. Happy Anniversary, Sweetie! (Happy anniversary to you as well....here's to another 8 years of pure wedded bliss!)
Let's talk about lunches... yours, not kids
1 hour ago