Monday, August 9, 2010

Tim has re-negotiated our marriage contract...

This year, Helene and I are celebrating 8 years of marital devotion.

Well, maybe not celebrating as much as enduring, considering this day will be just like any other day of the year in which we both are trying to survive daily life with two sets of twins.

Don’t get me wrong, I would not give up our children for anything in this world or the next (heaven), but sometimes it feels like we have already moved on to the next world and God wiped out our memories of how we got here.

So why am I guest posting today?

Well, last year Helene came to me and said she wanted to “re-negotiate our marriage contract”.

When she asked if I'd like to do a guest post in honor of our anniversary this year, I decided to do a little re-negotiating of my own. It's only fair, right?

So here it goes (with Helene's responses in italics, because we all know she has to have the final word).

1. You will stop asking for my opinion when you damn well know my opinion doesn’t matter unless it agrees with yours.

Do not ask me questions such as, "Does my butt look fat in these jeans?"

Either your butt is fat or it is not. I, however, refuse to answer because I will be accused of lying or being insensitive. Either way, I lose and end up sleeping on the couch.

(Is it really that hard to simply say, "Sweetie, you have the nicest ass I've ever seen. I wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself." Would that kill you, seriously?)

2. You will not expect me to put on a good face and say nice things about your cooking.

You are right when you say, “I am not Julia Child”, but I probably wouldn’t like Julia Child’s cooking either.

I like simple foods like McDonalds, Jack-in-the-Box, Taco Bell, Pizza, Pasta and Chinese.

Again, I agree with you, take-out works for me. Please, why do you think I always give you restaurant names when you ask me what I want for dinner?

It’s a win-win. You don’t have to cook and I don’t have to eat two dinners.

(Since when are McDonald's and Taco Bell considered simple foods? When they cause you to be in the bathroom for hours at a time, I wouldn't exactly consider those "simple" foods. Just sayin'.)

3. If the TV is on and I am watching it, you will not speak to me. Scratch that, if the TV is on, you will not speak to me.

I know you would like me to be a good listener, but I am a man and we are married.

It is my duty as a husband to ignore you when you are talking, even though it drives you mad with rage.

Watching someone eating a pig’s colon on Fear Factor is less upsetting than listening to you gripe about how difficult it is for you to do “whatever” with the kids for the millionth time.

(For your info, Fear Factor isn't even on anymore. Get with the can't tell me that Muscle Car is more important than anything I have to say, even if I am bitching about the kids....again!)

4. There will be no more romancing.

Buy yourself some flowers or jewelry, get yourself a card and say it’s from me.

Why bother with the middle man? You can just thank me when I get home.

(So, does this mean you won't freak out when you see I bought my dream home in Greece? Awesome! Happy Anniversary to ME!!)

5. You will have sex when, where, and how I say.

This is non-negotiable and, if not obeyed, will have undesirable consequences.

(Geez, I can only imagine....your mind is a dirty, evil place to be. But, tell you what...if I can fantasize that I'm doing the deed with Mark Wahlberg then your wish is my command).

6. You will greet me at the door with a smile and a kiss when I come home from work each day.

It is not my fault you had a bad day, so don’t bitch to me and then expect me to be nice to you in the morning.

I was at work all day, not on vacation.

(Last time I checked, most people don't gleefully skip out the door every morning as they say, "I'm heading to work, sweetie..." Sometimes you leave skidmarks in the driveway as you peel out. Work, my ass. Your work IS a vacation).

7. You will rinse the dishes and place them in the dishwasher in an orderly fashion.

I was forced to enjoy your cooking the first time, let’s not re-hash it.

You know me, I don’t do leftovers.

(That's what she said).

8. You will not complain to me about how hard it is to care for two sets of twins.

I told you I thought two children were more than enough, but you forced me to use you like a 2-bit whore without any contraception. You tricked me.

(Uh, no...let me remind you exactly how it happened. You asked your parents to babysit Cole and Bella. Then we went out for dinner, where you strongly encouraged me to drink a glass of wine...or three...and then you took full advantage of me when I could barely mutter the words "too tired, need sleep".)

9. You will not lecture me about using bad language around the children and then blurt out four letter expletives yourself because they are driving you stark raving mad.

(But it's so much fun to make you feel bad, especially when the windows are open and the neighbors can hear you. The neighbors never hear me curse because I've learned how to say the word "shit" under my breath with my teeth clenched).

10. You will not preach to me about flatulence and then proceed to do so in your child’s face because you saw me do it and you thought it was funny.
(I got nothing for this. It is funny. Can't deny that.)
11. Lastly, I have not forgotten about my promise to vacation in Atlantis for our 10th anniversary.
But, seeing as I get to go on vacation at work each day, I think it’s only fair that you go alone so we both can have the vacation of our dreams. Ha! Ha!
(Hey, now you're onto something...but why would I miss out on another chance to make you miserable while on vacation? I'm so good at it.)

I hope you enjoyed this post.

In case you didn’t, you can read it again in tomorrow’s obituary section.

P.S. Happy Anniversary, Sweetie! (Happy anniversary to you as's to another 8 years of pure wedded bliss!) Registered & Protected


MiMi said...

Omagosh, number 6!! I swear, the husband and I go around about how he gets away for like 10 hours a day...gets to unwind on the drive home...blah blah blah.
And he's like, "It's WORK."
I'm like, "Your ass is in the biggest hurry to get there!!"

Marcia (123 blog) said...

Happy Anniversary to you two!

So what are you doing to celebrate???

Buckeroomama said...

You two are hilarious! Happy 'enduring' anniversary. :)

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Hope you two have many many more years of fun and happiness together! Happy anniversary! (Hey, pat, at least now you know what you should say when she asks you if her butt looks fat.)

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Love it! And I thought last year's was funny!!! I swear our husband's share the same brain.

Hey. Mark W has just as many kids as you, so there's a connection.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Love it! And I thought last year's was funny!!! I swear our husband's share the same brain.

Hey. Mark W has just as many kids as you, so there's a connection.

Real Math In A Minute said...

Your husband did a great job.....and I'd say he was quite honest. We've been married 40 years (yikes!) and mine's list would be a lot like yours! Men and men....gotta love em!

The Mother said...

I could probably live with all but #8. The right to bitch about the children is the moral property of a mother.

varunner said...

Happy 8 yrs! We hit 14 yrs this Saturday. Such a blur...

varunner said...

Happy 8 yrs! We hit 14 yrs this Saturday. Such a blur...

melissa78 said...

hahahah Oh my god this is great!!!! Thank you for the laugh.
I wish you many more yrs of happiness manly so we will get these posts every year. lol

Flory said...

Well happy anniversary to you both!

I like this he said/she said post. Greet him with a smile, is that what they all want I wonder. :)

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

I love it! I loved hearing both sides! You two crack me up.
Happy Anniversary!

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary! Hope you have a wonderful day! I have to say though, I stayed home with our two small babies and worked while the kids are in daycare and there is no question about it. Raising kids are much harder work!! LOL!

Ashley said...

Happy Anniversary! This is one of the best posts ever. Love it!

Eva Gallant said...

I would say you two seem to be a perfect match! lol Happy Anniversary! You made it past the "Seven Year Itch" anyway!

Shell said...

I think our husbands are related.

Kristina P. said...

These all sound perfectly reasonable.

And I will never, ever let my husband see this post.

Crossed Fingers said...

hahahaha - I love that I feel the love from you two. The goofiness reminds me of my husband & myself. I love laughing with him, no matter how crappy life might be at the moment.

Tiffany said...

So funny! I love the interaction between you two. Happy Anniversary!

Creative Junkie said...

Awwwww! Happy anniversary you guys!

Myne Whitman said...

So so cute, happy anniversary to you two.

Jenny said...

Too funny, Happy Anniversary!

Megan said...

Ya know, on #3 he didn't say you couldn't turn the tv off, just that if it was on, you couldn't talk to him. If you just hit the power button, he has to listen!

I still think your Tim and my Aaron must be related.... seriously!

Happy Anniversary!!!

histreasure said...

Happy Anniversary to you 2! that was such a fun post!

Rebecca said...

Love this...that's what she said (perfect) and farts are always funny...period! Happy Endurance Day!

Jen said...

Just so you know, you guys were made for each other. :)

Happy Anniversary.

Brooke said...

looks like he's as funny as you! :) happy anniversary to you both.

LucidLilith said...

Happy anniversary! I think the couch will have some company.

Nya's mom said...

Happy anniversary to you both! This is hilarious!

allison tait said...

Am laughing. Hubby and I are married eight years this year, but with only half the number of kids you two have managed to produce. I think he would agree with many points on this list.

Elizabeth said...

Happy Anniversary to you both!
Tim is funny ... you should keep him.

Tabbatha Rose said...

Love it! Our contract is up for renewal Thursday and I just read this to my DH lol I especially loved number 6, so true.
You are such a witty and talented writer.

Together We Save said...

Happy Anniversary!! I need to revise my contract but then, slaves don't really have a contract, LOL.

Mighty M said...

Continue to renegotiate every year - it will just get better and better! And I can tell you are two pea's in a pod - happy anniversary!

Alicia said...

Now, I don't know who is funnier? You or Tim?????

But, Happy Anniversary!!!!!

Karen Peterson said...

Tim, you are hilarious!

You might want to rethink #11, though. Because if Helene goes on vacation by herself, you DO realize what that means for you, right?

Helene, you're a brave woman for giving Tim your keyboard!

FRANNIE said...


There is a Spa Day somewhere in your near future. Say next Saturday? He can spend the day with your lovely children. :)

Nezzy said...

Hope ya'll had an incredible anniversary, heaven only know ya deserve it! ....and the sex thing??? There's not a woman on earth that has the stamina to satisfy the when, where and how!!! Heeehehehehe!

Have a wonderful day sweetie :o)

An Imperfect Momma said...

You guys are hysterical! Happy Anniversary!

This Daddy said...

NICE TIM. This is f-ing great. I love it. You need your own damn blog. Another reason you are my brother from another mother.

All your point are valid. Helene has no reason to argue with you on this.

Happy Anni to both of you. You are both great and Helene, I love reading your stuff, it is funnier than ever.

MamaHen Em said...

Happy Anniversary!

shortmama said...

Awesome, we are up for renegotiations in October. 10 years and we are renewing our vows....I think I need to seriously get busy on this!

Tracie said...

Bwahahaha!!!! You guys are an awesome comedy duo. You should go on tour.

Heather said...

Happy Anniversary to both of you!

Anonymous said...

Loved this! You guys rule. :)
Happy Anniversary

Erin said...

Happy Anniversary, you two lovebirds! This was hilarious. Loved every single one. Especially about the tv. LOL!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Number Four! Oh man. *Open invitation,* friend!

Happy anniversary!

Natalie said...

Helene - LOVE this post! Seriously! On Saturday's I do a post where I tell my readers my favorite posts of the week - this one will be on there for sure!

Love #5, totally agree with #6, and say #7 all the time! As for the yelling with the windows open...just tweeted that I did that yesterday. I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a lunatic ;)

Michele Chastain said...

OMG I nearly peed my pants laughing at this! Just sent it to my hubby!
May you all have a wonderful trek towards next years anniversary! ♥

Michele Chastain

Just Lisa said...

LMAO! Love this! I've been trying to get my husband to write a post on my blog, but I'm afraid of what he will come up with!

Jovial Jess said...

1. I love that he specified Heaven. heehee!
2. Mark Wahlberg...awesome!
Good job!

Blogger said...

Anybody else needs a FREE MC DONALD'S GIFT CARD?

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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