Thursday, August 26, 2010

Yet another haunting tale of senseless eating...

The other day I had a craving for something bad...something deviously unhealthy for me, which would finally satisfy that inner beast howling for chocolate.

My attitude, in light of eating more healthfully these days, is to give in to those cravings every once in a blue moon. Either that or just expect everyone around me to cater to the superbitch I become when I deny myself something sinfully sweet.

After digging through our pantry, I managed to find a box of Duncan Hines brownie mix. JACKPOT!! This was so totally what I needed.

Little pangs of guilt stabbed away at me as I prepared the mix so instead of using oil, I substituted applesauce. And I threw in a couple tablespoons of ground flaxseed. If I really wanted to go all out, I would've happily grated some fresh zucchini and threw that in there too but come on now...cut me some slack.

As the sugary sweet brownies baked, the kids constantly nagged me about when they would be done baking. I kept repeating, "Good things come to those who wait..."

I had to laugh to myself as I recalled my RE telling me the exact same thing when my 2nd IVF was cancelled, resulting in complete devastation as if my life had been officially declared a failure.

Yeah, good things come to those who wait...and then some, says she who has two sets of twins.

The timer went off and as I opened the warm oven, the dreamy scent of lucious chocolate permeated our home. The kids ran into the kitchen screaming, "Are they done? Can we eat them yet?"

I managed to convince them to wait for the sweets to cool off, telling them that it wasn't worth burning their little taste buds off...yet, at the same time, thinking how wonderful it would be if they could no longer complain about the horrid taste of squash. What, with no taste buds and all.

Finally, after exuding an extreme amount of restraint and patience, my hungry children descended on the pan of brownies as if they were a pack of ravenous bears who had hibernated six months too long.

"Okay, okay," I said. "Calm down...there's plenty of brownies to go around."

Once they were all settled at the kitchen table, each of them with their own little personal bite of heaven, I grabbed myself a couple small orgasms on a plate and settled in at the counter in front of my laptop to check my e-mail.

Within a few seconds, I looked at my plate and it was empty. WTF?

I angrily spun myself around on the barstool, now facing my unsuspecting kids who were still at the table, practically licking their paper towels clean of crumbs.

"Who took my brownies?" I growled.

My eyes narrowed and I glared at each of them. "Whoever took them better speak up or you will never have another brownie as long as I live!"

However, no one spoke up. They looked at each other. Cole asked, "Who took Mommy's brownies? It wasn't me!"

Landon pointed to Garrett, "It was him. I saw him take your brownies!"

Garrett, desperate to prove his innocence, broke down into tears with an overabundance of snot pouring from his nose..."Not me! Mommy, not me!"

My eyes darted to Bella, who was cowering in her chair...tiny crumbs of chocolate evidence mushed all over her lips. Oh wait, that was probably HER brownie.

"Mommy", she said matter-of-factly. "You ate them."

What kind of dumb-ass does she take me for? I ate them? Was this her idea of a joke?

I began to laugh and bellowed, "You all must think I'm pretty lame to fall for that! One of you took them, I know it!"

I got up from the barstool, put two more brownies on my plate and walked back over to my laptop.

I warned them, "You all better back off of my brownies! You're messing with the wrong person...no one stands between me and my chocolate!"

After reading some Facebook updates and finishing one of the small brownies, I reached for the second one...but there was nothing left on the plate.

"OH. MY. GOODNESS. You kids don't know when to stop, do you?! Seriously, who ate my freakin' brownie?!" I hollered.

Cole walked over to me and shrugged his shoulders. The rest of them looked just as clueless.

To be honest, they all looked pretty scared, as if they were afraid I might actually explode into a tiny million pieces right before their very eyes....and then how would they explain that to their father?

"Well, Daddy...she kept accusing us of eating her brownies and then her head started spinning like a thousand miles per hour and it flew right off her head, right about the same time her body exploded all over the kitchen...and, get this....her mouth was still screaming 'Where's my freakin brownies?' It was horrible, Daddy. We're not gonna be able to sleep for months."

And then I pictured Tim using the life insurance money he'd receive after my death to pay for a lifetime of therapy for each of them...after their schoolmates started complaining that every time my kids would even smell a hint of chocolate, they'd have a complete meltdown and start screaming "Where's the freakin brownies?"

I rolled my eyes and tried the nice approach. "Okay, I'm not mad anymore...it's just chocolate. No big deal. But it's really irritating me that one of you is sneaking over here, right under my watchful eye and taking my brownies. Just tell me who it is and we'll call it a day."

Still, no one owned up to it. Whatever. See if I ever share brownies with them again.

Staring them down with an evil eye, I grabbed another brownie from the pan and sat down in front of my laptop.

Only this time, Cole smartened up and decided to keep an eye on me. Imagine that? HIM keeping an on ME, for a change.

Just as I was about to shovel that sweet little morsel into my mouth, he screamed, "A-ha!!!!! It's YOU...you're eating the brownies!"

Huh? WTF? Little smart ass child.

Immediately, I stopped myself and looked at my hand. Well, what do you know? There it was....a hunk of brownie headed towards my gaping mouth, which I probably wouldn't have tasted since I was so engrossed in reading a friend's update on Facebook.

All four of the kids now stood around me, arms crossed in front of their chests and smiling as if they had just made the bust of the century.

"Oh, come on, guys..." I pleaded. "I'm entitled to make a mistake every now and then, aren't I? Look, I'm sorry for accusing you of taking the brownies...clearly, I was eating them and not even paying any attention!"

Would I ever live this down? Of course not.

Bella smiled as she said, "So you seriously didn't know you were eating the brownies? Really?"

I shook my head, knowing full well I should be ashamed of myself. This is why Oprah, Dr Oz and all those other fitness and nutrition gurus tell you to NEVER eat in front of the tv or the computer.

Thankfully, the kids let it go and didn't mention it again. Until the next night...

After I said goodnight to my sweet little bundles of joy, I went downstairs to clean up the kitchen from dinner.

Suddenly, I heard laughter coming from Cole and Bella's bedroom.

My ears peaked with curiosity, which quickly turned to embarrassment, as I heard them each trying to out-do one another in their best demon-possessed voice...

"Where's my freakin brownies?" and "If you ate my brownies, you'll live to regret it!", followed up with "I can't believe how angry she got...they're JUST brownies!"

So, my friends, needless to say, I will never eat senselessly again....it's totally not worth the humiliation and shame.

I've learned my lesson. And my kids will suffer for it.

Next time, I'll just bake the brownies when they aren't home. And I'll devour the entire pan with such gusto and purpose it would make Jillian Michael's shit in her pants.

Later, I'll tell the kids, "Oh, by the way, I baked some brownies and ate every single one of them. You guys aren't angry, though. Right? After all, they were JUST brownies."

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51 comments:

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

...and this, my friends, is how I can down an entire bag of candy orange slices / jelly beans / spice drops / candy corn / [you name the sugar candy...] in one sitting, sitting in front of the computer. Tsk, tsk, tsk...

But at least I do it in private, after the kids and hubby are in bed. Unfortunately, though, I think that makes my sugar addiction even more serious, as I hide it from those I love. HA!

blueviolet said...

I can't believe you didn't notice and savor the brownie decadence with every bite!

Sierra said...

oh that is so fabulous! Now I want to eat a pan of brownies. Maybe some whipped cream for uh...calcium...

Rebecca said...

"small orgasms" = perfect definition

I love the fact that they were making fun of you in their room...wonder how many times my kids will do that to me!

Oh, and holy crap you have a lot of followers!!! I had no idea you were so popular!

Tina... said...

I'm speechless and that doesn't happen very often....you crack my shit up. "Where's the freaking brownies?" Bahahahahahaha.

Ashley said...

Hilarious! I love it. :)

Eva Gallant said...

Great post! lol I also think your kids are great!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

I love you! That is hilarious! I, too, have been there : )

McKenzie said...

That is too funny! Must have been some dang good brownies!!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Damn. Now I want some brownies. Maybe that's were this muffin top came from, eating without paying attention. Yeah, I doubt. Face it, our kids are going to have to have some form of therapy, no matter how many brownies we eat! :)

Cindy said...

Oh how funny - I don't know what's better, you yelling about the freaking brownies or your kids mocking it the next night. Kids kill me with what they'll latch onto.

Crossed Fingers said...

hahaha! I love brownies - LOVE them. If I wasn't avoiding chocolate like the plague right now due to my aversions I would be craving them...

We live in a Zoo! said...

Lol! LOl!! LO FREAKIN L!!!!!!
Thank goodness all the experts tell us not to eat in front of the TV, sometimes that is the only way I can get my three year old to eat his PBJ sandwiches, lol!

Mighty M said...

I would have done the same thing, probably. Except I might not have shared any brownies in the first place. :)

Heather said...

Hilarious!!!

Side by Side said...

Thank you for the laughs this morning!!!!
Awesome!!!

Just Add Water said...

ROFL. TOO freaking funny!!!!!

MiMi said...

Omgosh. See? That's happened to me way too many times. And I wonder why I'm fat!! lol!
Next time I'm having a bad day I'm gonna start yelling, "Where's my freakin' brownie??"

Brooke said...

filarous!! :)

i <3 brownies

IASoupMama said...

Love this post! So funny, I'm laughing aloud (at work, nonetheless).

My downfall is Cheetos. Which is really bad because I don't think they were ever food. I say as I crunch one now...

Nobodys Nothings said...

i do that with my coffee all the time. it's so sad.

Jenna said...

Ha Ha Ha, that is hilarious!!!! I still believe it was the kids, ha ha ha. I've so done this before with ice cream, etc. Except the blame my kids part, lol!!!

Together We Save said...

Oh my gosh... that is so funny! I have totally done this, only at my own desk at work when no one else was even in the office! And yes, I was reading a blog post, at work, and did not realize I was eating.

smArtee said...

Bwhahaha...me too...Hi Helene..Ive been gone for so long..I didnt plan it that way..but here I am anyway..with a new blog address...Hope all is well with you and the family...! Missed all the fun over here...!

Erin said...

priceless! i guess that is why the diet books/gurus always tell you to eat purposefully/meaningfully, like at a table without the tv on, etc...actually TASTE your food.

yeah, right. who's got time for that?

Colton's Mommy said...

It was pretty funny that they blamed each other knowing that none of them had taken them!!!

I tagged you on my blog about Back to school--please go check it out.

Nezzy said...

This is great. They know better than come between a mom and her brownies. 'Guess we really shouldn't eat in front of pixels huh???

God bless ya and have a beautiful day filled with warm chocolate morsels!!!

shortmama said...

Yep I would have done the same thing...obviously I have many times!

Twins Squared said...

Helene this is just hilarious! A case of mommy brain at its finest! So many thoughts went through my head while reading this. First how it was making me totally want some brownies. Then how your kids were being little hellions by taking them. Then how I couldn't believe no one ratted anyone out. How they were getting really smart and sticking together and teaming up against you? Only to be shocked that you really didn't know it was you! This is so funny. You are brave for sharing! I love your blog - so real! And we've all had our moments, they just come in different forms!

Annie said...

Hilarious!!!

brotherlyloveejkp said...

small orgasms on a plate and you missed yourself eating them?!?! I'm aching with laughter! Way to go Cole and Bella;)

Natalie said...

The smalll orgasms on a plate that I yearn for around here are also known as Trader Joe's Yogurt Stars. Vanilla cookies covered in yogurty goodness. I could eat the whole bag!

D said...

I had a similar situation the other day with peanut butter cups but it was my brother in law that I suspect ate them.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Well, if it is any bit of help? I'd have done the same. NEVER TOUCH MY BROWNIES...
I did get a good laugh though- been there, accused that!

Dancer4_1 said...

LMAO>>>seriously..wow..I can always count on you to brighten my day..my old daughter and I laughed so hard..specially at the part of them explaining to Tim what happened to you..lol..I have told my boys the same thing..HA! I absolutly love your blog!!

Angela said...

Seriously? Too funny! I think my whole family would love for me to have a brownie right now. I've been feeling like crap while eating no carbs for what 3 wks now? Even took a HPT! And have been biting everyone's heads off. I finally decided that as long as I'm still losing weight,I'm gonna eat the chocolate so that I can live with myself! You are too funny!

Alicia said...

Those must have been some good brownies! I'm laughing because I'm picturing your kids imitating your voice!! LOL

2Wired2Tired said...

I try to never eat in front of the computer because that's exactly what happens! It's amazing how fast food disappears when you're staring at a screen. We have a rule that no one eats in front of the tv in our house - well, okay it's a rule for the kids and we adults don't follow it, but we are hoping they'll end up with better eating habits than we have. And yes, I confess I sometimes do make food or indulge in treats when the kids aren't around just so I don't have to share. Glad to know I'm not alone!

Momma0f3~1662~ said...

HAHAHA...I have done this. Watching tv with the kids and eating reese peices! I looked at my daughter and said "I told you guys only a a little bit of candy and now the bags all gone" She looked back at me like I was looney tunes and said "Mom we DID only eat a little bit. YOU ate the rest!" OPPS!

Kim said...

HA! This has happened to me before with a bag of chips and a diet Pepsi. I was convinced one of my kids had scarfed them down, but it was moi.

Cascia said...

What a funny story! I think we have all done something like that every now and then. I totally understand. Do not eat while on the computer.

Shell said...

LOL This sounds like something that I would do! I'd have to laugh at my kids imitating me, though.

Charlene said...

LMAO!!! too freakin'funny!

beemii said...

I feel your pain..I have done that a few times myself...only there was noone around to blame ***sigh*** You made me laugh today...

WhisperingWriter said...

Haha.

At least you try to make yours healthy though, I make it the oil way because the applesauce way tastes like ass to me.

Tiffany said...

I totally have to sneak the candy when P is around!! Too funny!

Michelle @ Flying Giggles said...

Why does this sounds so familiar? I am totally going to blame the kiddos next time!

allison tait said...

I loved this! Sounded like something I'd do. Am trying hard for 'mindful' eating these days - but managed to lose an entire bowl of potato chips whilst surfing the internet today. Not entirely sure where they went.

Lani said...

sweet- so I am not the only one who does this! It's so completely unfair, eating something and having no recollection. Was it good? Did I enjoy it? You'll never know.

Karen Peterson said...

So I got a little behind on blog reading and just found this post.

I am CRYING from laughing so hard!

Tami TwinFactory said...

Ouch. Been there, done that. That was a seriously good read - thanks! Oh, BTW, I'm also the mom of 2 sets of twins less than 2 years apart (mine are all girls, though)! Hi, from sunny Orange County!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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