Friday, September 24, 2010

I guess a dead pet is better than no pet at all...

The kids are forever asking me if we can get another pet. 

Now, I know most of you are envisioning their sweet little faces with wide eyes full of hope, asking, "Mommy, can we PLEASE have another pet?"

Perhaps that's how most kids would ask their parents...all polite and respectful.

But, remember, we're talking about MY kids...the spawn.

They ask, "When's our cat gonna die so we can get another pet?"

This is the same cat they claim to adore...the same cat who they beg to sleep with them every single night...the same cat who, despite hating the kids more than I despise my mom's stuffed peppers, has never once bitten or scratched them.

They're such traitors, aren't they?  I can easily see them asking Tim one day, "Daddy, when's Mommy gonna die so we can get a new mom...one who won't freak out if we get Nerf guns for our birthday and will let us eat all our Halloween candy in a single night".

Not that I'm paranoid or anything.  Moving on...

The other day, I asked Cole and Bella to come inside from the backyard to have a snack and finish their homework.  As I approached the table to deliver their snack, something caught my eye. 

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Was that a.....???  Were my eyes playing tricks on me?

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Yes, it was a lizard.  A fat lizard, at that.  They had found him laying on the back porch, enjoying the sunlight on his face.

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I asked, "Why isn't he afraid of you guys?  He hasn't moved once!"

They both looked at me as if I had just attempted to eat soup with a fork.

"What?" I asked.  "Seriously, I've never seen a lizard THAT still."

Cole sighed and shook his head.

Bella groaned, "Mommy, he's DEAD!  Can't you tell?"

"Oh", I responded.  "I suppose he is.  That would explain why he's not running away from you."

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Then I was forced to sit there and watch my children eat their snack while their dead pet lizard laid on our kitchen table. 

I said, "You know, that's super disgusting.  Can we put him out in the backyard in the grass or throw him in the garbage...or something?  He's full of germs and wierd diseases..."

Cole interrupted, "He has no germs or diseases because he's dead, Mom".

Well, excuse me.

Next thing I know, Bella says, "Come here, Lizzie.  I'm gonna take you to soccer with us and show you to Coach Bobby". 

"Oh no, you're not," I argued.  "That THING is not getting in the car with us.  Your coach does not want to see a dead lizard!"

They fought back.  "Yes, he does.  Lizzie is our pet and we're taking her with us to soccer!"

WTF?  Was this really happening or was I merely dreaming? 

After pinching myself, and as sure as Kourtney Kardashian says the word "like" every 5 seconds, I was wide awake and witnessing my two oldest children lovingly dote on their newfound dead pet.

Finally, I had to ask, "Why on earth do you want a DEAD pet?"

Cole answered, "Well, a dead pet is better than no pet at all..."

Bella continued, "Yeah, and you said we can't have another pet because it's just one more mouth to feed and more mess to clean up after.  But now you don't need to worry about that because Lizzie's dead.  It's perfect."

This is their idea of perfect??  I suppose it makes good sense when you really think about it. 

However, now I had to worry about whether or not something is seriously wrong with my kids....as they showed off their dead lizard, Lizzie, to their soccer coach, who looked up at me as if I had completely lost touch with reality. 

Shrugging my shoulders, I borrowed Cole's explanation and stated, "I guess a dead pet is better than no pet at all, right?"

After soccer practice, the kids wanted to go play on the playground and began to run off....without Lizzie.

I called out to them, "Uh, guys....I'm not carrying your dead lizard over there!"

They stopped in their tracks and looked at one another. 

Cole yelled back, "Just put her in the garbage.  She's dead, anyway."

Nice.  Or as Kourtney Kardashian would say, "That's, like, real nice, guys".

I guess even dead pets have their disadvantages.  Who knew?

44 comments:

Mighty M said...

Glad they lost interest before Lizzie started to smell. :)

Donna said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That. is. the. BEST. story. EVAH!!

I LOVE it! LOVE their "What? it's all in a day for us?" attitude and LOVE your "all in a day for us" reaction!

Thanks for the laugh!

Kristina P. said...

Well, it's better than a pet elephant!

Zookeeper Jess said...

That's so warped and strange but it's awesome LOL

Jennifer said...

At least this dead lizzard didn't suffer the fate as your last dead lizzard!

purseblogger said...

Your kids crack me up! They are perfect blog material girl. :) Love this story!

MamaHen Em said...

I just kept thinking, "But when it starts to rot, then what??!!" Girl you are amazing because seeing it on your table? While they were eating? I threw up a little in my mouth!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I swear we have a dead dragonfly. But it's mostly just for decoration. Love the KK reference. like & you guys, her 2 favorite phrases.

This Daddy said...

Yeah, those plans we had of Bella coming here to visit....just took a u turn if she is going to be bringing dead things into the house.

Creative Junkie said...

*thud* <----- me, at the mere thought of finding a dead reptile on my kitchen table.

Jen said...

You don't have a radar for dead reptiles?

I do and it goes off when one comes close to my house.

Ew.

;)

Heather said...

That is SO gross, but I guess they are right! My brother snuck a dead mouse into a theater in his jacket sleeve. I remember...it was "Peter Pan."
I guess kids and dead pets go together??

Ash said...

awww how cute of them to give it a name! :D

~ash's mum

Bethany said...

LOL!!!!! Oh my gosh, funniest story I've heard all day. A dead pet is better than no pet...your kids are a hoot!

MiMi said...

Uhh...yeah, your kids are braver than mine! Mine would run screaming from any form of lizard...dead or alive! Just like I taught em! lol

Kim said...

Thanks for the morning laugh! One of the twins has been asking for a pet bat, I guess because of all the Halloween imagery she's seeing. I think I'll give her a dead lizard instead.

Carly said...

I laughed so hard i almost peed myself..Your Kids are awesome! BTW Cole Looks like such a Big Boy in that picture:)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

That was a little ummm, gross but endearing at the same time. At least you know that if you pass on years and years from now, they will stuff you and still care for you. Right???

Frugal Vicki said...

Seriously....Your life is better than a book.....I love your kids

Nezzy said...

Oh baby, this is great...the perfect pet. Ya don't have to remember to feed it, take it for a walk, it will never ever run away and your 'spawn' aren't gonna kill it! Heeehehehehe!!! It just has to disappear before the smell starts.

Sometime I'll share the time my son The Geek played with a dead cat....true story! :o)

God bless ya and ya'll have a terrific weekend!!!

Rhiannon said...

hahaha what a cute story, why you dont have a show on TLC baffles me!

Stephanie Faris said...

Eeek!

My stepdaughter said that not long ago. They have a dog that was bought when her mom was married to her dad...he picked it out. She said something along the lines of hoping her mom would let her get a new dog when her old dog died. It was almost as if she were counting the days. But she REALLY, REALLY wants a new little puppy, so I guess I can see that. It's SO heartbreaking to lose a pet, though. It almost kept me from getting another one...but they give us 10-15 years of happiness before that heartbreak.

Snuggle Wasteland said...

'A dead pet is better than no pet at all.' - I think you could write an awesome children's book with this title.

Yankee Girl said...

I am so glad the fickle white woman sent me over today! It's perfect because today I have a dead snake sitting on my desk at work. You see, I like, found it in the, like, parking lot and my husband collects dead things.....I am taking it home to him as a present!

I am sure this comment has completely scared you off and you will never come visit me....

singedwingangel said...

OH No I would have fell over right there.. there will be no dead petsin this household today or tomorrow.. Now is the coach calling CPS on you saying I seriously think she just totally checked into another dimension. I swear she said a dead pet is better then no pet at all lol.

Twins Squared said...

This is the cutest post! I can completely see my Kaitlyn getting in on this act, and then ultimately ditching him like yesterday's leftovers! She's been asking for a pet too (our cat died last summer - they could have cared less) and we're getting our beloved Schnauzer back probably around Christmas, just in time for her to get old and kick the bucket. Aren't 4 animals roaming the house already enough to take care of? I think the dead lizard idea is a great one!

Karen Peterson said...

I seem to recall a post from sometime back where your kids found a dead lizard and then it...disappeared? As in, someone might have eaten it...Was that your family?

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Once again a hilarious post! You and your kiddos just crack me up!

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

At least they were not sad.... or did not eat it : )
(I remembered that post too)

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

At least they were not sad.... or did not eat it : )
(I remembered that post too)

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

Very funny! Reminds me of the hamster my son used to have. We adopted it...and the creature used to let my son hold it all the time. Two weeks into owning it....the hamster died.

Being dead or close to dead is the only time these animals are 'calm'

Joe Blow said...

omg this made me laugh so hard XD We're expecting our first one in December ( a boy of course.) I was hoping for a girl, but he's already committed his first act of defiance and he hasn't even left the womb. I have high expectations for this one o.o

Tropical Mum said...

At least they told you about Lizzie and didn't stash her away in their room, only to be discovered by that AWFUL smell emanating from the room!

This happened to me with a pippy they found on the beach, ever try to find something that small that reeked THAT much?! I am still gagging at the thought.

Rebecca said...

Their idea of perfect is seriously demented!!!! Gah...I can see the Crazies doing something like this in the next several years...just to drive me nuts!

Merri Ann said...

This story reminded me of an episode I had with my husband ... yes ... I said husband.

I opened the hall closet one morning to a horrible foul odor. I knew instantly that it was something dead. I tore everything out and could find no source. Finally my husband comes over to inquire about all the activity ... after a moment he says "Oh" and opens up the garment bag he had used that week to travel ... inside? A dead lizard ... he found it in his hotel room and brought it home for the kids to see ... and forgot about it.

Do I really need to say anything else? We really need to do a battle of the husbands ... the loser has to take both. :))

The point of my little story? Your kids may never grow out of it ...

Charlene said...

LMAO.....Your kids are hliarious! I don't know how you remember such details when retelling the stories, but they are going to love this when they are older!

Jenny said...

Hilarious! I think it's funny that as soon as they were told to keep track of it, they were ready to throw it away!

shortmama said...

Your kids are the funniest ever!

Erin said...

Winner winner chicken dinner! Hands down one of the funniest/best posts ever! LMAO!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I'm sorry, but that was funny...like REALLY funny! A lizard at the table!

Seizing My Day said...

Oh my gosh... laugh out loud funny!

Buckeroomama said...

OMG, I would've freaked out at that lizard... dead or not. You're quite the sport for even letting them bring it to soccer practice! :)

J & Z have been begging for a pet (fish or a rabbit). I got them some sea monkeys over the weekend thinking that they'd be low maintenance... none seemed to have hatched (yet). Either that or I screwed up the instructions and none have survived. :(

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

Oh my goodness!! That is hysterical! Our kids want a dog so badly- I guess I should be grateful they have yet to ask for any reptiles yet. Our reasoning is it's too much to travel so often with a dog, but we might lose the argument over a lizard.

Too funny!

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

That was hysterical. I read out of order and just commented on your last post about taking a break. I take it all back now though. You can't leave. You're just too funny and your posts make my life better! I just read this pet post to my husband who is still laughing.

I have a friend who finally relented and got her kids a dog after they begged for one for the first 10 years of their lives. She went to the pound and got the oldest dog they had there and told her kids it was because that's the dog that needed a home the most. You can see the writing on the wall here. That's also the dog who would kick the bucket first. So all in all, a win/win.

Okay, take a teeny break but come back soon, you'll be sorely missed!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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