My kids provide plenty of cringe-worthy moments for me.
You know, the kind where you wish the ground would split open and swallow you whole...or, at the very least, where you conclude that being struck by lightening right at that very minute would be less painful.
Let me provide a couple examples for you, in case your children have never embarrassed you so badly that you wished you could die and come back in another life as a shoelace.
1) Yesterday, when I went to pick up Garrett and Landon from prechool, their teacher looked at me, shook her head and said, "Oh Helene...what are we going to do with Garrett? I need you to talk to him!"
My heart sank as I prepared for the worst. Garrett hung his head in shame as he listened to her explain what had happened.
"He's been running around here kissing his friends on the lips. I told him he can't be doing that so can you please talk to him and reinforce that that's not appropriate behavior at school?" she pleaded.
Every thought possible went through my head...geez, I hope she doesn't think we're encouraging such behavior at home, at least he wasn't HITTING his friends, she must dread when her alarm goes off in the morning knowing she'll have to see Garrett today.
I smiled politely, "Oh no! Okay, well, I'll have a talk with him. I'm so sorry!"
As we walked out to the car, I asked Garrett about it and he said, "I just love my friends so I kiss them".
Over lunch, we talked about other ways which were more appropriate to show his friends some affection....giving a high-5, asking if he can give them a hug, holding their hand...anything but kissing them on the lips.
He seemed to get it, repeating verbatim what I had said to him, while eating his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
So where was the cringe-worthy moment....wait for it, you know it's coming.
We arrived at soccer practice several hours later. One of the coaches asked Garrett how he was this was his reply....
"I'm good. Guess what? I kissed my boyfriend on the lips today at school."
The coach looked up at me with a puzzled expression, while I tried to ignore the fact that most of the other parents within earshot were staring at me with the look of pure shock on their faces.
Trying to recover quickly, I responded, "Uh, yeah...I know. But at least he wasn't HITTING his friends, right?"
I wouldn't be surprised if my kids are banned from soccer next session....what, with Cole and Bella bringing their dead lizard, Lizzie, to show off and now with Garrett announcing proudly that he kissed his boyfriend on the lips.
2) Even though we're still knee-deep in this whole short sale mess that's been going on since March, Tim and I have been going to open houses every once in awhile on the weekends...mainly to see how others decorate their homes.
I mean, really, when else can you just freely walk into someone else's home and check out their fashion sense. It's almost as classic as getting tons of complimentary candy on Halloween.
Last weekend, as we were about to enter an open home, Garrett asked me to hold him. I obliged and carried him in through the front door, where he proceeded to fart....loudly.
And of course, the real estate agent just happened to be standing right there in the kitchen behind the front door.
I prayed he wouldn't think it was ME who had farted. I knew he had to have heard it because trust me when I tell you that the fart was so loud, it was like a sonic boom had just occurred.
Garrett boldly announced, "Hey everyone, I just farted. Did you hear it?"
The real estate agent smiled but didn't make a move towards us for a noticeable reason.
Garrett waved to the agent and asked, "Did you hear me fart? I farted just now! I can smell it!"
"Yes, I'm pretty sure he heard you...now stop talking please!" I instructed.
But why stop there when there are so many other opportunities to embarrass the woman who allowed a surgeon to slice open her belly in order to give you life.
That's why he had to tell everyone who walked through that front door that he had recently passed gas, as if they wouldn't be able to smell the obvious.
Each one of them stared at me in horror, while I flinched at the awkwardness which accompanied the offensive odor now permeating throughout the entire home.
After we were safely enclosed in our mini-van, I said to Tim, "Didn't you just want to die? Oh my Lord, how embarrassing was THAT?"
For those of you who have been long-time readers of my blog, you probably already know where this is going but just appease me, okay?
Tim shrugged his shoulders and asked, "What? Did one of the kids do something?"
Seriously, how could he have NOT heard all that going down? It must be nice to be able to block out everything...I would imagine Tim's head is a very quiet and enjoyable place to be on most days.
So, you see, apparently I am THAT mom...
...the one everyone loves to stare at but is secretly thankful she is not THAT mom, the one everyone feels sorry for and wonders what THAT mom must have done so badly to deserve this kind of embarrassment, and THAT mom whose children provides humiliating tales for others to talk about at the playground.
But that's also the reason why THAT mom never runs out of interesting and entertaining blog material.
Maybe it's not so bad to be me, after all.
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