Thursday, October 14, 2010

Apparently, I am THAT mom....

My kids provide plenty of cringe-worthy moments for me. 

You know, the kind where you wish the ground would split open and swallow you whole...or, at the very least, where you conclude that being struck by lightening right at that very minute would be less painful. 

Let me provide a couple examples for you, in case your children have never embarrassed you so badly that you wished you could die and come back in another life as a shoelace.

1)  Yesterday, when I went to pick up Garrett and Landon from prechool, their teacher looked at me, shook her head and said, "Oh Helene...what are we going to do with Garrett?  I need you to talk to him!"

My heart sank as I prepared for the worst.  Garrett hung his head in shame as he listened to her explain what had happened.

"He's been running around here kissing his friends on the lips.  I told him he can't be doing that so can you please talk to him and reinforce that that's not appropriate behavior at school?" she pleaded.

Every thought possible went through my head...geez, I hope she doesn't think we're encouraging such behavior at home, at least he wasn't HITTING his friends, she must dread when her alarm goes off in the morning knowing she'll have to see Garrett today.

I smiled politely, "Oh no!  Okay, well, I'll have a talk with him.  I'm so sorry!"

As we walked out to the car, I asked Garrett about it and he said, "I just love my friends so I kiss them".

Over lunch, we talked about other ways which were more appropriate to show his friends some affection....giving a high-5, asking if he can give them a hug, holding their hand...anything but kissing them on the lips.

He seemed to get it, repeating verbatim what I had said to him, while eating his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

So where was the cringe-worthy moment....wait for it, you know it's coming.

We arrived at soccer practice several hours later.  One of the coaches asked Garrett how he was this was his reply....

"I'm good.  Guess what?  I kissed my boyfriend on the lips today at school."

The coach looked up at me with a puzzled expression, while I tried to ignore the fact that most of the other parents within earshot were staring at me with the look of pure shock on their faces. 

Trying to recover quickly, I responded, "Uh, yeah...I know.  But at least he wasn't HITTING his friends, right?"

I wouldn't be surprised if my kids are banned from soccer next session....what, with Cole and Bella bringing their dead lizard, Lizzie, to show off and now with Garrett announcing proudly that he kissed his boyfriend on the lips.

2)  Even though we're still knee-deep in this whole short sale mess that's been going on since March, Tim and I have been going to open houses every once in awhile on the weekends...mainly to see how others decorate their homes.
 
I mean, really, when else can you just freely walk into someone else's home and check out their fashion sense.  It's almost as classic as getting tons of complimentary candy on Halloween.  

Last weekend, as we were about to enter an open home, Garrett asked me to hold him.  I obliged and carried him in through the front door, where he proceeded to fart....loudly.

And of course, the real estate agent just happened to be standing right there in the kitchen behind the front door.

I prayed he wouldn't think it was ME who had farted.   I knew he had to have heard it because trust me when I tell you that the fart was so loud, it was like a sonic boom had just occurred.

Garrett boldly announced, "Hey everyone, I just farted.  Did you hear it?"

The real estate agent smiled but didn't make a move towards us for a noticeable reason.

Garrett waved to the agent and asked, "Did you hear me fart?  I farted just now!  I can smell it!"

"Yes, I'm pretty sure he heard you...now stop talking please!" I instructed.

But why stop there when there are so many other opportunities to embarrass the woman who allowed a surgeon to slice open her belly in order to give you life.

That's why he had to tell everyone who walked through that front door that he had recently passed gas, as if they wouldn't be able to smell the obvious.

Each one of them stared at me in horror, while I flinched at the awkwardness which accompanied the offensive odor now permeating throughout the entire home.

After we were safely enclosed in our mini-van, I said to Tim, "Didn't you just want to die?  Oh my Lord, how embarrassing was THAT?"

For those of you who have been long-time readers of my blog, you probably already know where this is going but just appease me, okay?

Tim shrugged his shoulders and asked, "What?  Did one of the kids do something?"

Seriously, how could he have NOT heard all that going down?  It must be nice to be able to block out everything...I would imagine Tim's head is a very quiet and enjoyable place to be on most days.

So, you see, apparently I am THAT mom...

...the one everyone loves to stare at but is secretly thankful she is not THAT mom, the one everyone feels sorry for and wonders what THAT mom must have done so badly to deserve this kind of embarrassment, and THAT mom whose children provides humiliating tales for others to talk about at the playground. 

But that's also the reason why THAT mom never runs out of interesting and entertaining blog material.

Maybe it's not so bad to be me, after all.

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47 comments:

blueviolet said...

I was worried we were going to have to do a short sale too, but we decided to try to sell it outright first and we lucked out. I feel for you, especially since your son announces his friendliness so candidly. Hilarious!

Zookeeper Jess said...

Your kids KILL me!!!

I die!

Snuggle Wasteland said...

LMAO! Tim and The TO have a lot in common.

Crossed Fingers said...

hahaha - OMG I died right along with you on those examples. Well at least you have ammo for when they get older. "Remember when you announced to the entire soccer team you kissed your boyfriend?" as he introduces his new girlfriend to you for the first time. Just think of the payback...

Twins Squared said...

Oh bless you. Actually, if Garrett had just kept his mouth shut the kissing thing wouldn't have been so bad! Mackenzie had a problem with it last year. She was kissing everybody, well, I mean boys. I think we finally got her to stop but it took a long time.

As for being THAT mom, the one that everyone's glad they aren't, I know the feeling! And that's without farting in front of everyone! At gymnastics this week, Kaitlyn sat out because she was sick so I was helping her with homework in the lobby. Real easy with the 2 little ones monkeying around with 2 open doors to the gym. It had only been 30 seconds and I looked up and all the parents were just sitting there and one said "uh oh." I looked up to see A&R all the way in the middle of the gym already and heading for the trampoline. So fun to chase them down in front of the glass window for all the parents to watch and pity me. I caught one but one got away. I felt like such a moron. Then she gets on the tramp thing with her little purse full of rings that she brought and the rings start flying everywhere. Geez. Maybe I should blog about that incident.

There is also a blog I read - a mom of quads - she posted one day that her friend showed her that a mutual friend took a pic of her (not knowing her) while she was out with her kids at the store and posted it on FB and said "please don't ever let this be me." Is that the most horrible thing ever?

So, you know what I say to it all? At least our kids have fun and aren't boring! Your kids have such a good life and are going to have such great memories and all of your lives will always be rich and full. Boring kids might be easy but they're no fun.

Jen said...

Sweetie, I just need to say, you are in good company. :)

Eva Gallant said...

My son's mother-in-law took our 3-year-old grandson to a meeting of volunteers at the fire department and he introduced himself as "Carter the Farter."

shortmama said...

Im sorry but I cant help but laugh!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Replace the word "Garrett" with the word "Andrew" and you have my life. And not to terrify you so much that you curl up in a fetal position in the corner sucking your thumb...but Andrew is 11 years old and still doing this stuff.
I'll hold you if you'll hold me, k? (but NO kissing on the lips!)

The Mother said...

My most embarrassing moment: We had little ones, and we were leaving a store when a man with a large club foot walked by.

"Mom! It's Frankenstein!"

Wanted to die.

Rebecca said...

We are kindred spirits...I am going to be THAT mom too.

Matt got wheeled through Kohl's the other day and we got to the bra department where he promptly started shouting "blue boobies," "red boobies," "purple boobies" and so on. When I would ask him to be quiet, he just got louder. His twin sister pretended not to know him, but I couldn't stop laughing.

Nobodys Nothings said...

awesome.

so, when my daughter was a mere 6 weeks old, i had to bring her to my post partum check up at the ob's office. she'd been a pain since birth with reflux, excess gas, colic, yadda yadda. as i was sitting there filling out forms with my sweet newborn in her carseat on the floor, she started farting. my sweet, tiny baby girl was letting it rip like a 65 year old fat man at a football game, and to make matters worse, the plastic of her carseat vibrated and made it LOUDER. pregnant people all the way across the room were laughing at my tomato red face and my sweet baby girl whom i could do nothing for except shake my head and say "gotta love 'em".

what else could i have done? sometimes i think the only reason our children are put on this earth is to teach us humility...

MiMi said...

First: he kissed his boyfriend. This cracks me up because I KNOW how innocent that was meant.
Second: Tim DID hear that fart. He just immediately went to his happy place I bet.

Mighty M said...

Your blog is truly blessed. :)

I LOVE seeing how others live - open houses are so fun!!

Kimberly said...

I think we are ALL that mom...let me make you feel better...
My toddler called his flip flops "fuk offs" and fix it "fuk it" get the picture? Ok so now we are in the grocery store and his flip flop fell off and he starts yelling "Momma fuk off! Fuk off!" I ran to get his flip flop and there were shocked people just looking concerned and shaking their heads at me. I went to put the flip flop back on and he said "momma fuk it. Fuk it" This is a true story and I did not make it up. I wanted to die in the store!

Wisconsin Mommy said...

When we were beginning the building process, we toured a ton of model homes. For some reason, my husband felt the need to "test" a bathroom at almost every model we toured. It didn't even help if I reminded him to go before we left! Now I go to open houses alone :)

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

OMG - this is why I love you! These totally crack me up!
Your kids are so funny!

Jenny said...

The best part is that Tim had no idea what was going on. How do they not see/hear this stuff?! LOLOL!

Nezzy said...

What can I say??? Be it two sets of twins or just two single children, they were born to embarrass us. My two...oh Honey, do I have some stories! Heeehehehe! I can laugh now that they have kiddos of their own. That's called payback baby!!!

Ya'll have a marvelous evening sweetie!!!

katie said...

I definitely just laughed out loud. Your kids seem like the funniest kids in the world. Seriously. You should create your own family's show "Kids Say the Darnest Things!" Hilarious.

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Guess guys just think passing gas is funny so don't get embarrassed by it. I think I would have just left right away. Sounds like Garrett is quite a handful. Good luck getting him to stop kissing his friends and quit talking about smelling the place up.

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Guess guys just think passing gas is funny so don't get embarrassed by it. I think I would have just left right away. Sounds like Garrett is quite a handful. Good luck getting him to stop kissing his friends and quit talking about smelling the place up.

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

I would've just shook my head and said, "Kids just say the darndest things."

My daughter used to announce to strangers in the store, all the time, "My daddy fawted." I have no idea why she thought that was info to relay but at least it was daddy that she was talking about and not me.

purseblogger said...

Oh Helene...I just LOVE your kids. They do give you hilarious blog material. xoxo

Shell said...

My kids and your kids together would be the craziest reality show ever. We could just drink instead of doing anything about their antics.

*LLUVIA* said...

OMG! OMG!! OMG!!! LMAO!!!!!
I can't stop laughing!! That was great!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Ah yes, that mom...fear not ma'am, you are in good company! In Target tonight? I could hear my boys with Corey from across the store. Nice.
Oh, and kissing his friends? How sweet! E was hugging his friends so hard last year they almost lost their lunches.

Merri Ann said...

That was laugh out loud funny !! OMG you have no idea how much I miss our exchanges.

The farting thing is classic. I was in a carpet store last weekend when a young mom's baby farted so loudly the whole place stopped ... the mom's face was beet red ... I almost busted a gut laughing. I did feel the need to clue her in that she had better get used to it ... this was only the beginning of the embarassments to come. I should have given her your blog address ...

And, what short sale thing???? Are you guys looking to move??? By me??

Have a good weekend :))

Creative Junkie said...

This is but one of the reasons I envy you, Helene - you will *never* run out of blog fodder.

Living It, Loving It said...

Show me a parent, whose children have never embarrassed them, I will show you someone who is an aunt or an uncle. And could blame Garrett – he loves his friends! His view has to count for something. : ) And you are right - at he is not hitting! You have got your hands full with him. Leave it to Tim not to know what is going one. Anyway, I am THAT mom too. My kids pick the worst times to say and do the wrong things. One time we were out to dinner and my ten year old was six, and he was staring at the guy at the table next to us and said a lot “Mom, did that guy eat a lot. His stomach is big!”

Tina... said...

Omg, that was awesome....and sometimes it's my husband that farts in the Walmart on the next isle so loud that everyone in this half of the store can hear it. I can't believe I actually have sex with him.

Mrsbear said...

I tend to agree with you, lip kissing your friends is way better than say...biting their faces or something. He's not a sociopath, he's just a loving kid who's not afraid to show it to his boyfriend. ;)

And what kid isn't proud of their fart abilities. Clearing out a room is a talent.

I never have embarrassing kid moments. Or maybe I just suppress the memories.

Mercy D'souza said...

I know the feeling. My son is almost 3 and has begun to do those kinds of things that embarrass me. I don't get embarrassed easily, but when your kid goes up to a neatly stacked shelf in the grocery store and begins to rapidly knock everything to the floor, you want to die. When he runs up to every person in the store and hits them, you wish you could disappear. When at the park, he goes up to the old men relaxing on the bench and they offer him water, he takes the whole bottle, drinks some and proceeds to dump the rest on their feet, you wish you could say he wasn't yours.
Yep, my son has done all this to me and more. I find myself making sure my husband is home when I need to shop so I can leave my son home and not have to suffer any embarrassement. It's also a great way to get some peace and quiet.

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2Wired2Tired said...

I figure our kids embarrass us now, because they secretly know we'll be embarrassing them when they're teenagers!

I would have been so red at the open house too and my husband would have reacted the same as yours. Kids!...I mean Men! Or is it the other way around?

MommaKiss said...

Looooove when kids sell me out. They are either announcing their farts or mine. It's lovely.

SMS said...

Oh my god Helene! I am sitting here laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face. I love your family!

WhisperingWriter said...

Ha, I love that my kids give me stuff to blog about too.

That's hilarious about the kissing.

ashley said...

Your kids never fail to make me laugh so hard it almost hurts. I can just imagine ours being the same way when, you know, we have them-- totally adorable but embarassing at times. :)

Elizabeth said...

A kiss on the lips is way better than a punch in the head... no?
Good luck with the short sale (whatever a short sale is).

Rob said...

1st time reader and I want to tell you your kids sounds funny as heck. LOL. My kids announce when they fart also but I find it funny. My wife doesn't though.

Serene @ MomFood said...

"in case your children have never embarrassed you so badly that you wished you could die and come back in another life as a shoelace."

Oh, anyone with children knows EXACTLY what you're talking about. :-)

(I am sad, though, that little kids kissing each other -- yes, even on the lips -- has to be pathologized.)

Jenny said...

ROFLMFAO!! That is hilarious!! I wish my son was that funny, but he's just a giant pain in my ass ;P (i kid i kid)

Christina said...

It never hurts to be "that Mom" now does it? :)

Karen Peterson said...

Just out of curiosity...is Garrett the one that likes to try on Bella's clothes?

debi9kids said...

I think I would like to live inside Tim's head for a little while.... must be nice :)

Rocketgurl said...

Oh, oh, I'm wiping away tears from laughing so hard! I love it!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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