Yesterday, it rained...off and on, all day long. The first rain of the fall season.
The kids were climbing the walls, making Tim and I completely miserable. So in desperation, we did what most parents would do....we took the kids to Costco.
Picture it...Costco, on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Seemed like there were a hell of a lot of parents there with the same crappy idea.
After surviving that hell hole, we came home and unpacked the mini-van. The kids began running around the house again, as if they were wild animals on crack.
I heard one of them bellow, "Let's go to IHOP for dinner! Can we, PLEASE?"
The thought of containing them in the house for yet another 3 hours until bedtime made my insides ache painfully.
Tim shrugged his shoulders and said, "It's fine with me."
Now, I know IHOP is not as top rated as, say, Emeril Lagasse or Gordon Ramsay's restaurants but...hey....the kids eat for free. And Tim and I are all about kids eating for free.
Besides, would I honestly want to take the spawn to a 5-star restaurant, where they would only embarrass me by screaming loudly, "You want us to eat THAT? It looks like our cat's butt-hole!"
Tim practically threatened the kids with their lives right before entering the restaurant.
Between gritted teeth, he whispered, "You all better behave or else..."
"Or else what?" I asked. "Are we gonna run away, abandoning them at IHOP if they behave badly? Ask the family next to us if they'd like 4 more kids? Beg the manager to let them do time in the kitchen by washing dishes?"
He shook his head and rolled his eyes, classic Tim style.
"Well, you know you continously have to raise the bar with the spawn...each time you threaten them with something, you have to out-do yourself from the last threat or it won't scare them," I explained.
As we waited for the food, Landon began whining about wanting to sit in a highchair, Bella was coloring on her jeans with red and green crayons (in honor of Christmas, she justified), Garrett was cackling loudly and yelling, "I'm evil, I'm evil" and Cole was busily searching the inside of his nose for little green appetizers.
Tim was losing his patience quickly....and doled out another veiled attempt at scaring them into submission.
It must have worked because next thing I knew, they were all quietly coloring the papers given to them by the waiter.
Bella asked, "Is this better, Daddy? Are we behaving now?"
I looked across the table at my exhausted husband and saw him cradling his head in his hands. Most wives would've reached out to their husbands, touching him gently on the arm as a silent message of understanding and empathy.
But I'm not most wives. I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture.
Even now, I can't stop laughing every time I look at it. I imagine he was silently praying, "Now I sit me down to eat, I pray the Lord my sanity to keep, if I should go crazy before I am done, I pray I can remember where I put my gun."
What do you think? If you could write a caption for the above picture, what would it say?
Whichever 4 people come up with the BEST caption each win a prize. And trust me, you want to win these prizes.
They're mostly potty trained (hey, it doesn't matter where they pee or poop as long as it's not in their pants, right?), will provide hours of laughter and entertainment (and lots of embarrassment and humiliation...the grass can't always be greener, people), and will prevent you from oversleeping (or sleeping, for that matter).
I proudly announce the grand prizes....the spawn:
YOU get a kid, and YOU get a kid...
EVERYBODY GETS A KID!
* The spawn are non-transferable. No substitution or cash equivalent of prize permitted. Prize winners are responsible for feeding, sheltering and loving the spawn, even when they stick their tongues out in total disrespect or smear their poop all over the living room wall. Each spawn will be delivered to winner's residence, approximately 35 minutes after notification by sponsor.
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