Monday, October 18, 2010

I wonder what he was thinking....

Yesterday, it rained...off and on, all day long.  The first rain of the fall season. 

The kids were climbing the walls, making Tim and I completely miserable.  So in desperation, we did what most parents would do....we took the kids to Costco. 

Picture it...Costco, on a rainy Sunday afternoon.  Seemed like there were a hell of a lot of parents there with the same crappy idea.

After surviving that hell hole, we came home and unpacked the mini-van.  The kids began running around the house again, as if they were wild animals on crack. 

I heard one of them bellow, "Let's go to IHOP for dinner!  Can we, PLEASE?"

The thought of containing them in the house for yet another 3 hours until bedtime made my insides ache painfully. 

Tim shrugged his shoulders and said, "It's fine with me."

Now, I know IHOP is not as top rated as, say, Emeril Lagasse or Gordon Ramsay's restaurants but...hey....the kids eat for free.   And Tim and I are all about kids eating for free.

Besides, would I honestly want to take the spawn to a 5-star restaurant, where they would only embarrass me by screaming loudly, "You want us to eat THAT?  It looks like our cat's butt-hole!"

Tim practically threatened the kids with their lives right before entering the restaurant.

Between gritted teeth, he whispered, "You all better behave or else..."

"Or else what?" I asked.  "Are we gonna run away, abandoning them at IHOP if they behave badly?  Ask the family next to us if they'd like 4 more kids?  Beg the manager to let them do time in the kitchen by washing dishes?"

He shook his head and rolled his eyes, classic Tim style.

"Well, you know you continously have to raise the bar with the spawn...each time you threaten them with something, you have to out-do yourself from the last threat or it won't scare them," I explained.

As we waited for the food, Landon began whining about wanting to sit in a highchair, Bella was coloring on her jeans with red and green crayons (in honor of Christmas, she justified), Garrett was cackling loudly and yelling, "I'm evil, I'm evil" and Cole was busily searching the inside of his nose for little green appetizers.

Tim was losing his patience quickly....and doled out another veiled attempt at scaring them into submission.

It must have worked because next thing I knew, they were all quietly coloring the papers given to them by the waiter.

Bella asked, "Is this better, Daddy?  Are we behaving now?"

I looked across the table at my exhausted husband and saw him cradling his head in his hands.  Most wives would've reached out to their husbands, touching him gently on the arm as a silent message of understanding and empathy.

But I'm not most wives.  I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture.

TimIHOP

Even now, I can't stop laughing every time I look at it.  I imagine he was silently praying, "Now I sit me down to eat, I pray the Lord my sanity to keep, if I should go crazy before I am done, I pray I can remember where I put my gun."

What do you think?  If you could write a caption for the above picture, what would it say?

Whichever 4 people come up with the BEST caption each win a prize.  And trust me, you want to win these prizes. 

They're mostly potty trained (hey, it doesn't matter where they pee or poop as long as it's not in their pants, right?), will provide hours of laughter and entertainment (and lots of embarrassment and humiliation...the grass can't always be greener, people), and will prevent you from oversleeping (or sleeping, for that matter).

I proudly announce the grand prizes....the spawn:


YOU get a kid, and YOU get a kid...

EVERYBODY GETS A KID!



* The spawn  are non-transferable. No substitution or cash equivalent of prize permitted.  Prize winners are responsible for feeding, sheltering and loving the spawn, even when they stick their tongues out in total disrespect or smear their poop all over the living room wall. Each spawn will be delivered to winner's residence, approximately 35 minutes after notification by sponsor.

51 comments:

kristi said...

LOL...saw your facebook post !

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Just when I think you can't top a post (the babysitter one was just hilarious), you do! What a wife you are! You just crack me up, pulling out your cell phone to take a picture at the restaurant.

Gerard and I were at Cici's just last Saturday and were giving thanks for not having to deal with crying and screaming kids like some of the parents there. That's great though that kids eat free at iHop. Sounds like a good place for your family to eat at.

Oh, entertaining the kids at home made me think of the book "Room." Poor mother was kidnapped, raped and had a baby boy and was stuck in one room for five years with him. See, it could be worse!

Karen & Gerard Zemek said...

Sorry, I got you mixed up with Mama's Losin' It--she's the one who wrote the hilarious post about babysitting.

I am linking this one up to Saturday Samplings at Half'Past Kissin' Time this week and bookmarking and Tweeting it too!

Ginny Marie said...

He looks a lot like my husband when we go out to eat, and we only have two spawn! My husband doesn't read blogs, but I totally need to send him the link to this post. I'm not going to write a caption for this picture...and I think you know why! ;)

McKenzie said...

That picture is too funny! Your spawn are cute though =]

blueviolet said...

Well, as long as the people at the tables around you weren't praying FOR you, I figure you got off easy. ;)

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

I saw this on FB and loved it! I am seen that very same expression on PJ's face. So if my caption rocks - can I win all 4 prizes? : )

Dear IHOP - Thank you! Kids, crayons, yummy food & kids eat free - can you be more of a rocking restaurant?

Love it!

Snuggle Wasteland said...

LOL! Poor Tim. I'm sure he needed some relaxation time to fully recover.

Kimberly said...

How bout if I throw in one of my spawn too?
You are funny! Do they serve alcohol at iHop?!

Evonne said...

So what did he threaten them with? Just so I know what to say the next time we get dumb and take our kids out to eat.

I love your disclaimer!

Buckeroomama said...

Oh, that was precious! LOL!

We've never gone to IHOP for dinner when kids eat for free. We totally should, considering that the kids want this and that and end up not finishing and then want something else!

Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

Lol. I love your husbands picture. I know that feeling/look. I don't know what it is about IHOP but every time we take our kids there they act crazy.

The Mother said...

I never enter giveaways where the prize is another child. I'm just getting too old.

But kudos to hubby for keeping your spawn under control, even if it did cost him his sanity in the process. Great photo--the kind you show at a wedding or bar mitzvah.

Brooke said...

its a darn shame i'm not whitty enough to come up with a good caption ;)

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

Oh wow, Jeremy looks like that most of the time. Like he's praying for a moment of silence, an inch of space. Too funny!

Krystal said...

Hey I found your blog when I was pregnant and found out I was having twins. (They are two months old now). It's so great you keep your sense of humor through everything.. twins are not easy, and I'm only 2 months into it!! By the way the costumes are adorable.. I especially like the Mario one!

Kristina P. said...

Kids eat free at IHOP? I better start popping out kids immediately!

This Daddy said...

Holy Crap. That is awesome. I feel his pain. You know when us guys do that, wives wonder why we dont have patience and when you mothers do that, we are suppose to expect it, since you are with them all day. Whatever. Pray for sun.

Caption
"Calgon....Take me away"

Caption
"Oh lord, where are my drugs?"

MiMi said...

Bahahahahahahahaaaaa!!! Best caption ever!!! Love that picture. LOVE!

Rob said...

LOL. This is great. This is why we typically do not go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner with our 3 kids. Free food or not!!!! LOL. We have a 14 yr old who typically babysits while the wife and I go out to eat in peace.

The caption should read "I am wishing I was George Clooney with no kids". If I win please do not let me know as I am not interested in any of your prizes. LOL. I have my own.

Jenny said...

Love the pic! That is hilarious!

Nezzy said...

Notice sweetie, no one is comin' up with a caption!!! Heeehehe!

I only had two singles and I swear they plotted for hours to embarrass me in public.

Hubby's face just says it all...no words necessary!!1

Have a beautifully blessed day girl!

Crossed Fingers said...

haha - that picture speaks a million words. Good luck handing our your prizes...let me know how that goes. :)

Rhiannon said...

HAHAHA! Love it! I can only imagine, I feel like that with ONE child I dont know how you do it

IAmDenise said...

bhahahaha Helene you crack me up

Tim is probably saying his prayers "Please God when I open my eyes let this all be a dream"

Eva Gallant said...

You are too funny! And I love the photo. I would not submit a caption for fear of winning a prize! lol

Mighty M said...

Haha!! My quote is "calgon take me away".

Original, I know. I just don't want any more kids. :)

ME said...

perhaps if I shove my fingers in my eyes I can get away from these children......

ME said...

perhaps if I shove my fingers in my eyes I can get away from these children......

brotherlyloveejkp said...

It always gives me a little happy inside to know I'm not the only parent who looks like that at a restaurant!!! And please, oh please, don't pick me to be the winner! My two spawn keep me quiet busy enough;)

Tina Miranda said...

Hey Helen,

Just a question, you do know your kids will read this blog someday :) you are an awesome MOMMY God bless you with patience and help you retain your sanity and that amazing sense of humour.Cheers,Tina

Marianne said...

GIMME THE SPAWN!!! I want em! I'd never have to work out again, they'd keep me laughing so hard I'd burn all the calories I consume.

"Now I sit me down to eat, I pray the Lord my sanity to keep, if I should go crazy before I am done, I pray I can remember where I put my gun."

DIED. Absolutely died over this. Best freakin' prayer I've ever heard. You steal my duck's water-tight ass, I steal this. YAY!

ashley said...

No caption for the picture, but I have to say that it made me laugh. I pictured my husband doing the same thing and it made me laugh harder. Maybe we should stick to the dogs for a few more years and enjoy the quiet. :)

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Oh, that look! I've seen that same one MANY, MANY times. I have to show my husband because he will feel so relieved to know he is not the only one!

Twinpossible said...

That look, that look...we BOTH possessed that look tonight. Let your husband know, he isn't abnormal. Possibly in need of a vacation, much as I am (With you all of course in tow along with him), but he's normal.

The Costco thing is funny because Iam DYING to find free or insanely cheap ways to find things to do, now that the warm weather has faded. *WAH*!! It's going to be a long, long, long, fall & winter, for this 'get up & go girl', who adores the sunshine. I need to move, lol.

Great idea about Costco, however everone had it also. IHOP by us doesn't always have kids eat free, it's like a once in awhile promotional thing, or we'd be there all the time. Screw the fancy steakhouses and restaurants.

With just my 5 yo alone, I'd be too much of a distraction to everybody, as she is as wild, as wild gets, and so IHOP is about as crazy as we are gonna go to..perhaps, Friendlys, if everyone promises to behave well, but promises, schmomises.

I never take them to a expensive restaurant, because like my hub says, what is the point? You can't fully relax, you can't throw a few back, lol, you are gulping down your food, looking forward to leaving, you can't stop worrying about what antics they will pull next, or which one will embarrass you first, and you paid top dollar for that knot in the gut? I don't think so.

I'm with you girl, and BTW, I think Ihop is awesome:)(As are you!)


xoxo Shel

Tami of the Twin Factory said...

oh. my. god.... too funny!

Caption: "I hope the vasectomy holds"

Oh, what the hell... what's 4 more? Send the spawn over. Then I could say I popped out a set of twins each year for 4 years straight. That outta win me a reality TV show.

Mercy D'souza said...

That was funny. I don't think anyone will be able to come up with a funnier caption than your revised prayer. Loved it.

Shell said...

Love the prayer- and that you took a pic.

I'm a afraid to write a caption. 3 is enough in my house. Did you see what damage 2 of mine did in my post yesterday? I think I'm still shaking.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Um, I read the fine print on this offer and I'm not cool with poop on the walls. Even though the walls in the living room are already painted in a color very similar to poop....

McVal said...

LOL! I've definitely had days like that! So has my husband!

Let's see... a caption...

If I'd had a warning it could lead to this??? All I wanted was to hold her hand!

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

Funny, I was just at Ihop this morning :)

Caption: "This is not my life"

Lemme know if I win :)

Zeemaid said...

*LOL* I wish we had an Ihop here. THey'd probably ban us from the restaurant tho... ;)

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

"The online tutorial said to compress *right here* to induce temporary coma...*right here*!"

I would show this picture to my husband, but then he would just feel "justified" for feeling that way, too.

Bwahahaha!!!

Bethany said...

Oh my gosh, that picture is hilarious! Poor guy...

Karen Peterson said...

I get dibs on the cute one!

I think he's thinking, "A sense of humor? Ha! I'm living proof that God is just mean."

Frugal Vicki said...

That picture is classic....and I don't need any more spawn, thank you very much

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my gosh! This is hilarious. I laughed so hard! Very funny picture.

lisleman said...

great read - love the descriptive stuff like "green appetizers". They really do test you constantly and going to an expensive restaurant doesn't make sense.

You probably don't have the time but if you want to read a story about different parenting please take a look
http://afcsoac.blogspot.com/2009/04/manners-fly-well.html

my caption
"When I open my eyes it will be a lazy afternoon watching the game beer in hand. Damn that never works."

Matty said...

You are a tried and true blogger for sure. I like the way you have your priorities in order. Blog post first, comfort hubby second.

I successfully raised three of my own, thank you. Been there, done that.

Mrs4444 said...

This post made me smile (and smile and smile :) Loved the pic! Sorry, no caption entry for me!haha

Rocketgurl said...

OMG!! That is so fricking funny!!! That picture is so priceless.

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
Blog Design by Likely Lola