Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Whoever coined the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” obviously never made a guitar cake…

I should've known better.  I knew it was out of my league but I just couldn't say no.

I had asked Cole and Bella, "Do you guys want me to make your birthday cakes again this year?"

They both shouted, "YES, make our cakes again!!"

Then I made the mistake of asking them what design they wanted...this is where Tim said I went wrong.

At first, Cole wanted a Domo-Kun cake but then changed his mind just when I had it all planned out...of course because that's my kind of luck.  Instead, he wanted a Mario Brothers cake, which I was still cool with because it would be relatively simple.

But Bella....oh, my sweet little peanut, who would love nothing more than to see all the brown hair on my head turn completely gray....chose a Hannah Montana guitar cake.

The minute I saw the picture of the cake she wanted, I explained, "Uh, Bella...I don't think I can make that.  It looks super difficult."

My own words came back to bite me in the ass, as she pouted and said, "But, Mommy, you're always telling us that you can do anything you set your mind to....you can do it!"

I stared at the picture and then back at her again, hoping I could convince her to let me do a basic 2-tiered cake with a buttercream transfer of Hannah Montana. 

Did that fly with her? 

Do all 3 of my boys get on their hands and knees on a daily basis and clean up their pee from behind the toilet?

No, of course not....because we all know by now that there is absolutely nothing BASIC about Bella and why would my boys want to actually do something that could be considered helpful?

With that, I let out a huge sigh and allowed myself to be suckered in by my only daughter, as her big blue eyes pleaded with me to not let her down.

I worked on Cole's cake first because....well, it was easier.  Way easier. 

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I even made all the fondant and buttercream frosting myself....and it was still a much simpler cake to make than the freakin' guitar cake that almost cost me my sanity, as if I can afford to lose it any more than I already have.

Once Cole's cake was done, it was time to grin and bear it.  I kept repeating to myself, "It's just a cake....do not be afraid of it.  Don't let the cake control you..."

And, no, I hadn't even begun to drink any wine at that point.  I just happen to talk outloud to myself...a whole lot, people.  Any mother who tells you she never does the same thing is full of shit, plain and simple. 

Moving on...I baked 3 cakes and then carved that son-of-a-bitch.  I was in complete control...mixing gel coloring into the buttercream, spending hours trying to get the frosting as smooth as a baby's bottom, cutting out fondant stars like no one's business. 

It was all good.

Until it came time to make the damn guitar strings.  My beautifully crafted plan to use floral wire unraveled right before my very eyes, as I practically pulled my hair out of my own head and screamed, "Why on earth did I agree to make a freakin GUITAR cake?!"

My lovely friend, Leslie, who had come over to help clean my house (I know, right?!), was fortunate enough to witness my meltdown. 

Just as my head was ready to explode into a million tiny pieces, she poured me a glass of wine and said, "Shut the hell up and quit your whining!  Let's get this damn cake done already!"

Okay, she didn't actually say that, though I'm sure she wanted to.  Instead she smiled sweetly and came up with another plan....we decided to roll out 6 guitar strings made out of fondant. 

The few sips of wine that I ingested turned me into the likes of a horny teenage boy.  I managed to turn every innocent comment out of poor Leslie's mouth into an obnoxious sexual innuendo.

A good friend is someone who will tolerate your immature behavior, no matter how low you sink....she doesn't go running for the hills after you giggle hysterically when she asks, "do you prefer it longer or shorter?" and "is it thick enough for you?", as she's referring to the fondant guitar strings and not your husband's penis.

No, instead, a good friend just rolls her eyes and accepts that friendship is for better or worse, through thick and thin....even if it does take every ounce of her willpower to refrain from bitch-slapping you.

In the end, here was the final result....the Hannah Montana guitar cake from hell. 

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...and I lived to tell about it.  So I guess it is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

But I will never make a sculpted cake like that ever again.  Because even though it didn't kill me, it did shave a few years off of my life...and I have strongly considered asking my doctor to put me back on Wellbutrin.

Here are some other pictures from the party...

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Bella with her favorite person, Hannah Montana...I know, you'd think I would be her favorite person after making the cake from hell for her.

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Hannah Montana teaching the kids one of her dance routines...thank God it didn't involve a stripper pole.

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The magic show....(i.e. a break for the parents who were crazy enough to stay at the party)

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If you happen to notice that Hannah Montana's concert ticket prices have increased, it's not without a good cause.  See here...she desperately needs a new weave.

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So the birthday party was a success...and I'm relieved it's over.  So relieved, you have NO idea. 

On a final note, I have to come realize that God did cut me a break in blessing me with two sets of twins...only having to throw TWO parties a year, instead of FOUR.  Now, that's a blessing for sure.

70 comments:

Kristina P. said...

You did an amazing job!! You are a Kick-A mom.

Crossed Fingers said...

Those cakes turned out amazing! Great job and it looks like the parties were a hit too! :) Oh and welcome back ;)

Mighty M said...

The cakes were well worth the effort - nice job!

Brooke said...

it turned out great!! :)

Erin said...

I am looking at these cakes thinking I'd have paid a bloody fortune for them, whereas you are able to whip them up yourself at home! OMG!

Even if you did have some wine and make some sexual innuendos. Who cares?

These cakes rock my socks off and so do you!!!!!!!!!!

adrienzgirl said...

I love the Mario cake! My boys will be drooling over that! I know just what a pain in the ass that guitar cake was. My son wanted a Rock Band guitar cake. Let's just say, there were tears, and screaming, and tears, and a meltdown of epic proportions, and did I mention there were tears?

Yeah....we settled for a very expensive store bought ice cream cake from a specialty store after the catastrophe in my kitchen and I was damn happy to pay for that overpriced ice cream!

*bowing down to your greatness*

BTW - I now know that semi-frozen cakes are what you need to carve without all the tears.

Two Normal Moms said...

I was so taken by the cake story, and then you said this, "My lovely friend, Leslie, who had come over to help clean my house"... and I completely lost my train of thought! Who is this marvelous friend, and does she need another best friend? Cause I could use her! :-)

Seriously, the cakes are fantastic. I started making "theme cakes" when my son and niece were little and ended up taking cake decorating classes, etc. So.Much.Work. But so fun!

Ally

Kira said...

Oh my gosh! I am continually impressed by your ridiculous cake-baking skills. You could totally freelance for a local bakery or something. I think since I've found your blog some of my favorite posts are the ones with cake pictures! I am MUCHO impressed.

Jenny said...

Those turned out great, but I can tell that guitar cake had to be hell to make!

Nobodys Nothings said...

wow, you got skillz!!! i stand (or sit) in awe of your cakemaking abilities... both of those cakes look amazing. my son would have done just about anything to have a Mario cake that awesome, including trade me for you. my son's birthday was in September, and he ended up with a pink and purple strawberry icecream cake that his Grandma brought over. not only is he a BOY, but he doesn't like strawberry icecream. :-S

McKenzie said...

Wow! The cakes turned out amazing! You did an awesome job =] Want to come make mine? Haha.

Gisela said...

Gorgeous cakes! You really did a great job, and your kids will totally appreciate it when they are older!

MamaHen Em said...

I love that you refer to the Mario cake as "easier" because when I look at it, it still looks incredibly amazing and hard as heck to make! You did an AWESOME job on BOTH cakes. I wish you lived close by. I would pour you wine and try to entice you to bake cakes for my kids!

Carly said...

I was so excited to see that you posted on my dashboard. I needed a good laugh this morning. Your cakes are so great! Like I said before mine only get cupcakes I cannot bake at all:( My Monkey boy is turning 6 on Oct 11 and I am 38 weeks with a scheduled C- section in about a week. I am hoping that they will not share the same day. Because they are not twins and I think they deserve their own day. Only God knows for sure,and time will tell.

kristi said...

You are freakin' awesome!

Creative Flair said...

Oh my goodness, I almost peed my pants looking at Hannah Montana's wig! great job with the cakes.

Creative Junkie said...

Holy shit, Helene - I can't believe you made those cakes! They're phenomenal!

Happy birthday to the twins!

Creative Junkie said...

Holy shit, Helene - I can't believe you made those cakes! They're phenomenal!

Happy birthday to the twins!

Ms Bibi said...

OMG, both cakes look fantastic. No wonder you had a little meltdown.
You are the SUPERMOM.

Abbie said...

Second the "holy shit"! I am blown away. My kids will be lucky if the store bought icing actually makes it the body of a lopsided cake and not just straight into my mouth!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Shut UP! You made both of those?? Why in the heck were you even worrying? Your cakes, both of them, turned out adorable! But, you now realize that because you managed to make the guitar cake happen, that next year is going to be something even bigger and grander!

You've got mad skills and had enough energy to still party too??

MiMi said...

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! I don't know why, but SHUT IT! Holy crap, those cakes are AMAZING!!!
My 7 year old just saw the Mario cake and he's dying. DYING. He wants it. :) Do you take long distance orders???

Karen Peterson said...

Check you out! Both of those cakes are amazing! Seriously. I am in awe.

Jen said...

Your cakes are awesome! I can't wait to show you the cake that Jeff is going to make for Hayden this year.

And I totally agree, 4 kids with 2 birthdays... FABULOUS!

Sadia said...

A-MAZ-ING cakes. Amazing!

Happy birthday, Cole and Bella.

(BTW, Wellbutrin is my best friend.)

varunner said...

OMG!!! Helene! THOSE CAKES!!!! I can't believe you made those. Absolutely amazing. You get my vote for mom of the year :-)

Heather said...

Oh wow! Very impressive cakes! When the kids get older, you should make cakes and charge people big money!!!

Tylaine said...

Holy crap girl! those are amazing cakes! Man you even put the little lines on the bricks! You should start your own cake business! :)

Ashley said...

Oh my goodness, you did such an amazing job Helene! I only wish I was as talented as you are. :)

Shell said...

You did an amazing job!

I don't want my kids to see that cakes like that exist. Don't want them getting any ideas.

Stephanie said...

wow but it looks amazing!! like really amazing!

Happy Birthday to your beautiful twins!

The Mother said...

Yep. I'm pretty sure Nietzsche never tried to make a guitar cake. Pretty sure.

Eva Gallant said...

You totally rock! Those cakes were amazing!!!! What a good Mommy you are! I'd have panicked and hoped the bakery could do it!

Marianne said...

Cake boss, eat. your. heart out.

Will you make my wedding cake? I want it to look like a peony.


Totally kidding. About the peony part, at least.

Evonne said...

Those cakes are awesome! I wish I had talent like yours!

I'm glad the party turned out well. And yes, 2 parties are definitely better than 4!

Jenna said...

Oh girl, I can't even imagine, you are so dang talented, I would have just pipped those strings on, ok what am I saying, I never in a million years could have even cut the cake in the shape of a guitar!!! Way to go you!

oh and yes there is a upside to twins, 1 b-day party!!

Mama Dub said...

Are you KIDDING! You did a FABULOUS job! You so totally rock!

Kimberly said...

You are like a rock star of cake making...and you did it all with your sanity...and a bottle of wine ;) that? Is talent! I bet you died a bit inside with the first cut. I know I would have!

Snuggle Wasteland said...

Those are AMAZING! You get my vote for Mom of the Year!

Elizabeth said...

There is a very special place in heaven for Mum's who make their children cakes like this for their birthday. You Rock Helene.

ashley said...

You did an AMAZING job with those cakes! You have serious talent! P.S. the birthday party pictures are adorable! Such happy faces.

shortmama said...

AMAZING cakes! You are awesome!

Amy W said...

They are both awesome cakes and you know it!! Sure they took more time, effort and energy than buying them at the store, but now you have much better stories to tell about them. :) Happy Birthday to Cole & Bella!

brotherlyloveejkp said...

And to think I was bitching about the Lego cake my son wants me to make him for his birthday! You just rocked me right out of the ball park! I'm gonna kick that Lego cake's ass this weekend and will think of that amazing guitar every time I even THINK of swearing!

Rebecca said...

Color me impressed...I love it! I would jump right in with inappropriate comments on girth and length.

My question is, after two twin pregnancies, how in the world are you so skinny??? You look great (even with that hideous wig)!

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates said...

The cakes are awesome as always! And we all can see they both had a fabulous time! That is really all that matters at the end of the day!

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IAmDenise said...

I love the cakes Helene they are awesome and you are great for making them for the kids!

Megan said...

Those are AWESOME!!!! You are the cake whisperer, the way you pulled off that guitar cake!

Happy Birthday to Bella and Cole!

Momma0f3~1662~ said...

Wow...AMAZING cakes!

2Wired2Tired said...

Those cakes are awesome! I wouldn't have the slightest idea how to do that. And it looks like it was a great party too. Hope the you were able to relax after all that cake making and enjoy it!

Zeemaid said...

I can't believe how amazing those cakes were. And I can't believe the guitar cake was tougher than the Mario cake.... Absolutely amazing. What a rockin mom you are!!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I am too awed by your cakes to feel any sympathy for your awesomeness. Happy Birthday kiddos!

Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

No way. I am in complete awe. Those cakes are awesome!

And yeah, I talk to myself too. No wine involved.

Marcia (123 blog) said...

3 things!

1. You are seriously a rock star mother. Those cakes are BOTH fabulous. Put a pic in her room to remind her of your awesomeness :)
2. Yes, I talk to myself All The Time. Doesn't everybody?
3. Yes, twins cut parties in half - yayy!

Marcia (123 blog) said...

P.S. I just saw Megan's comment.

Yes, you're the Cake Whisperer. Do you deliver to South Africa? :)

histreasure said...

you got mad skillz, like my lil cousin says..really, those cakes are incredible and you made them!!..

Congrats to Bella and Cole on their birthday and to you on the success of the party..

Omotee! said...

Waoh! u really are a cool mum, kudos!
Happy Birthday to Bella and Cole. Pray they live long and have happy, healthy lives and in turn, bake u lovely cakes, lol!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

You are a Rock Star Momma! I love the guitar cake! You out do yourself every time!

LucidLilith said...

You know..anytime I see your creations, I feel like less of a woman.

The Lane Family said...

Once again Helene you are my hero!! Both of those cakes rocked and I think you are awesome for even attempting to do them. That takes some serious talent or insanity :)

Bethany said...

Wow, those cakes came out GREAT! You did a fantastic job...way better than I could have ever done!

MommaKiss said...

You did AWESOME! and the pink eyes, um - i'm so happy i have boys :p

K....mom said...

I love the cakes!
Would you (have you already) be willing to post your fondant and frosting recipes?
(I would never have had the patience to do the strings either, I would have cheated with black string licorice)

Tami of the Twin Factory said...

WOW!! I'm too embarassed to ever bake and decorate a cake again after seeing yours...! (And I thought I was GOOD at that!)

After seeing that, I will request that my kids just keep repeating their 2nd and 4th birthdays each year as plastic princess cake toppers rule our roost.

And you are right... throwing two birthday bashes a year instead of four is indeed a timesaver. For most people who don't go overboard making guitar cakes, that is. :-D

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

I am beyond amazed by your talent! Both cakes are amazing!!

Mercy D'souza said...

Wow! I love baking and decorating, but my cakes have been a disaster in comparison to those. They look professionally done. What's most important is that the kids loved them.
My son is asking for a farm cake this year. I'm keeping it simple by buying a plain cake, frosting it with my homemade frosting, and just sticking some plastic animals in the frosting. (My baby is due around that time and my doctor said she may want me to go in for an early c-section so I won't be doing any baking this year.)

Colleen said...

All I can say is WOW! The cakes are awesome. I make the cakes for my kids' birthdays and hate every single second of it! Mine look a mess compared to yours! They are fantastic and that guitar cake is huge. I love it!

Buckeroomama said...

You. totally. ROCKED. those. cakes! They're amazing!!

Krystal said...

Wow! Great job, love them! :) I know first hand all the work that goes into custom cakes, and you did great!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr



 
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