If there's anything I dislike, it's when my kids can't make even the simplest of decisions.
I mean, seriously...is choosing between a PB&J sandwich or a hotdog for lunch really a life and death decision. I think not.
Yet, they sit there and hem and haw between the 2 choices and then it never fails....they ask for something that I never even mentioned!
"We want a tortilla with cheese!", they'll demand. Or chicken nuggets...or ham and cheese.
As if that was one of the options?! As if I'm a short-order cook? Uh, no.
Then I sit there and complain to Tim, "Where on earth do they get this indecisiveness from?! I can't stand it...waiting for them to make a final decision on something is downright painful for me. As if world peace depends on this ONE freakin decision?!"
His response? Nothing, because....well, what can he say? He's learned when I'm complaining that he should just keep his mouth shut. His chances for survival depend on it...that, and having sex again.
So picture it...Bella and I went out for dinner the other night. Just us girls...out for sushi. Yes, my daughter has expensive taste...that's the one thing she never has any problem deciding on. The choice between McDonald's or sushi is easy for her.
After dinner, we went across the street to Trader Joe's to buy our Thanksgiving turkey. Last year, I got a 15-lb turkey and I was super disappointed that we barely had any leftovers. So I was gonna make sure to get a bigger one this year.
We spotted the turkeys in the refrigerated section and almost right away I found two that I could work with...one was 17.5 pounds and the other was 18.75 pounds.
"Hmmmm," I asked outloud. "Which one should I get?"
Bella examined them both and pointed to the 18-lb turkey. "Get that one."
"Really? You don't think it's too big? I don't know", I said.
She bent down closer to the turkeys. "Mommy, they're both close in size...just get this one," she responded, pointing to the 18-lb turkey.
Sighing, I said, "Okay, let's get the bigger one". I placed the turkey in our cart and we continued shopping.
A few minutes later, I eyed the huge turkey and said, "Bella, I think we should just get the 17-lb turkey. I don't know, I think this one may be too big".
She nodded her head in agreement and we turned around and went back to the refrigerated section to swap turkeys.
I grabbed the 17-lb turkey and put it in our cart. "There", I said. "I think that'll be the perfect size. Don't you?"
Bella smiled and said, "Yeah. It's perfect".
We were almost to the check-out counter when I began to have second thoughts.
"Okay, I think maybe the 18-lb turkey would be better. This one looks kinda wimpy compared to the bigger one", I announced to my daughter, who was obviously tired and wishing we could go home.
"Let's just go grab the 18-lb turkey again and we'll get out of here, I promise," I pleaded with her.
We got over to the turkey section and I stood there for a few seconds, visually comparing the two turkeys. I hadn't realized how long we had been standing there until Bella yawned.
"I just can't decide between the two," I explained.
Right then, one of the TJ's staff came over to me and asked, "Can I help you find something?"
With the hopes of returning home quickly, Bella answered, "My mom can't decide between the 17-lb turkey and the 18-lb turkey."
The guy looked at me and said, "Well, there's only a 1-lb difference between them. I think you'll be fine with either one, honestly".
"Actually," I said. "There's a 1.25 lb difference between them. That's like one and a half portions right there!"
He looked perplexed and I saw him shoot Bella a look of sympathy. He didn't think I noticed but I did. What kind of crappy customer service is that, people?
"Uh, how many people are you having over for dinner?" he asked. Seems like a normal question to ask when considering how big of a turkey to buy, right?
I squinted my eyes at him and answered, "Okay, well, technically, there will be 11 of us. BUT, 4 of those are little kids...so they really only count as 2 people. You know, cuz they won't eat a lot. Then there's my mom and stepdad who have both had gastric bypass surgery so they can't eat much so they really only count as ONE person. But sometimes my mom has difficulty stopping when she's full so she may eat more than her portion. I don't know. It's a toss up, really."
I paused long enough to take a breath and continued.
"Okay, and then I have my mother-in-law who doesn't really eat. She drinks beer and smokes cigarettes, that's her thing. But she may want to take some turkey home to eat later...and then sometimes my father-in-law will want to take some home for leftovers. So, you see my dilemna...."
The guy interrupted and said, "Just get the 18-lb turkey. You can never have too much turkey left over, right?"
"Hmmmm, " I replied, mulling this over. But he had already scurried away...probably to go in the break room and bang his head against a wall.
I traded the 17-lb turkey for the 18-lb one. He was right. No such thing as too much turkey left over.
While we waited in the check-out line, I must have had a look of confusion on my face because Bella inquired, "Mommy, do you want to go back and get the other turkey?"
"Yeah, you know what...I do. I just don't feel good about the 18-lb turkey...like it's giving me bad vibes or something. I think the 17-lb turkey would be a better choice."
We walked back to the turkeys and, once again, traded them out. I might have been paranoid but I noticed that most of the TJ staff was avoiding eye contact with me.
Heck, the guy who rang up our order didn't even bother to ask if I found everything okay or whatever they're supposed to ask so they appear to be interested in you. I'm sure they just wanted me the hell out of their store. Whatever.
Clearly, they lack the understanding of how important turkey size is. Unlike me, however, who truly gets this essential part of the Thanksgiving meal.
Bella and I strolled our lovely 17-lb gobbler out to the car and drove home. I showed Tim the turkey and explained how difficult it was for me to decide on which turkey to get.
He made the mistake of saying, "Sweetie, it's only a 1 pound difference..."
"Oh no, don't even go there with me right now....", I whined.
Under his breath, I could've sworn I heard him mutter, "And you wonder why the kids are so indecisive...."
Yeah, okay. I'll give him that. Maybe they do get it from me.
But, when you think about it, that's not necessarily a bad trait to have, right?
I mean, when you consider some of the traits they could've inherited from him...annoyingly clearing their throats every 20 seconds, chewing with their mouths open, suffering from chronic forgetfulness...
...it could be so much worse.
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