As a parent, I'm entitled to basic privileges...or rights, if you will.
You know, like, disciplining my kids how I see fit, determining a reasonable bedtime...that kind of stuff.
However, besides those standard rights, there are certain unique privileges as well.
Oh, wait...you didn't realize that? Well, my friends, allow me to enlighten you.
1) When I let two of my spawn convince me to buy them each a $15 thermos for their lunch boxes, I reserve the right to bitch and moan about it endlessly each time they misplace it somewhere.
I reserve the right to remind them constantly that the thermos cost $15 and they better locate it ASAP before I have a complete meltdown.
And I reserve the right to laugh hysterically when I overhear one of them say to the other, "You better find your $15 thermos before Mommy finds out you lost it!"
2) I reserve the right to eat as much of their damn Halloween candy as I want. From what I recall, I bought their costumes, dressed them up and walked right along with them as they collected their candy from the neighbors.
As they scowl at me, I reserve the right to boast to them, "You guys know the deal around here. What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine"....while I happily gobble down yet another one of their snickers bars.
3) I reserve the right to kick their asses if I ever see them pulling stunts like these two dimwits on the levy behind our backyard.
Dimwit 1: "Hey, dude...watch me surf down the levy. This is gonna be so cool"
Dimwit 2: "Yeah, dude, way cool"
Dimwit 2: "Dude, wait....you should stand up on the surfboard instead. More
dangerous that way. Chicks love that shit"
Uh, excuse me...people, do you see any chicks observing these dimwits surfing down the levy? Yeah, me neither.
What did I tell you? Total dimwits.
Dimwit 1: Uh, okay, dude. I'll try it but if I bust my junk, there'll be hell to pay.
Dimwit 2: (laughing hysterically)
As if Dimwit 2 will still be friends with Dimwit 1 ten years from now when Dimwit 1 finds out he's infertile due to a severe blow to his nuts from pulling this brilliant stunt?
The only one who will be paying for it is Dimwit 1's mother whose dreams of becoming a grandmother will have just faded to black.
All goes well for Dimwit 1 so of course Dimwit 2 has to try it.
Dimwit 1: That was so awesome, dude. You gotta try it.
Dimwit 2: Hell, yeah, dude. Gimme the board. I'm gonna rock this.
Dimwit 2 rocks it alright....on his face, that is.
I totally wish I could've gotten a picture of him falling off the board and down the levy but he was crouched behind my fence....trying hard not to cry, while Dimwit 1 stood at the top of the levy laughing and asking, "Dude, are you alright? Want me to call your mommy?"
Everyone needs a friend like Dimwit 1, don't you agree?
Dimwit 1 decides that surfing down the levy is for wusses. He's gonna go for broke and sit backwards on a chair with wheels.
Dimwit 1: Dude, watch this!
Dimwit 2: Man, you're playing with fire, dude.
Last time I checked, taunting a hungry pit bull by eating a hamburger in front of him was considered playing with fire....not rolling down a levy backwards on a chair.
I'm just sayin.
Dimwit 1: Whoa...dude....how do I slow down?
Dimwit 2: You're gonna crack your friggin head open, dude. Just hop off the chair.
Huh? WTF? Hop off the chair? Quick...someone call the producers of Jack Ass and tell them I've discovered two new stars for their next movie.
Dimwit 1 survived with no obvious skull fractures. After he picked the chair up and walked back up the levy, he and Dimwit 2 took off.
But not before saying, "Dude, I thought I was gonna die, man".
He should have to spend an entire day (a rainy one, at that) with my spawn after they've eating handfuls of Halloween candy. That whole rolling-backwards-on-a-chair-down-a-levy stunt would suddenly seem like a cakewalk, in comparison.
In closing, no one ever tells you how difficult parenting is and they most certainly "forget" to tell you about all the rights you have as a parent. It's up to you to discover them on your own.
So people....go forth and exercise your rights as a parent.
Believe it or not, your children will thank you for it. Perhaps not today or tomorrow, though.
More than likely, it'll be when they have children of their own, who drive them to the brink of insanity after losing a $15 thermos, scowl at them for scarfing down their hard-earned Halloween candy or attempt a stupid-ass stunt that could result in "busting their junk".
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