Tuesday, November 2, 2010

There are some unique privileges to being a parent...

As a parent, I'm entitled to basic privileges...or rights, if you will. 

You know, like, disciplining my kids how I see fit, determining a reasonable bedtime...that kind of stuff. 

However, besides those standard rights, there are certain unique privileges as well.

Oh, wait...you didn't realize that?  Well, my friends, allow me to enlighten you.

1)  When I let two of my spawn convince me to buy them each a $15 thermos for their lunch boxes, I reserve the right to bitch and moan about it endlessly each time they misplace it somewhere.

I reserve the right to remind them constantly that the thermos cost $15 and they better locate it ASAP before I have a complete meltdown.

And I reserve the right to laugh hysterically when I overhear one of them say to the other, "You better find your $15 thermos before Mommy finds out you lost it!"

2)  I reserve the right to eat as much of their damn Halloween candy as I want.  From what I recall, I bought their costumes, dressed them up and walked right along with them as they collected their candy from the neighbors. 

As they scowl at me, I reserve the right to boast to them, "You guys know the deal around here.  What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine"....while I happily gobble down yet another one of their snickers bars.

3)  I reserve the right to kick their asses if I ever see them pulling stunts like these two dimwits on the levy behind our backyard.

Dimwit 1:  "Hey, dude...watch me surf down the levy.  This is gonna be so cool"

Dimwit 2:  "Yeah, dude, way cool"


Dimwit 2:  "Dude, wait....you should stand up on the surfboard instead.  More
dangerous that way.  Chicks love that shit" 

Uh, excuse me...people, do you see any chicks observing these dimwits surfing down the levy?  Yeah, me neither. 

What did I tell you?  Total dimwits.


Dimwit 1:  Uh, okay, dude.  I'll try it but if I bust my junk, there'll be hell to pay.

Dimwit 2:  (laughing hysterically)

As if Dimwit 2 will still be friends with Dimwit 1 ten years from now when Dimwit 1 finds out he's infertile due to a severe blow to his nuts from pulling this brilliant stunt?

The only one who will be paying for it is Dimwit 1's mother whose dreams of becoming a grandmother will have just faded to black.


All goes well for Dimwit 1 so of course Dimwit 2 has to try it. 

Dimwit 1:  That was so awesome, dude.  You gotta try it.

Dimwit 2:  Hell, yeah, dude.  Gimme the board.  I'm gonna rock this.


Dimwit 2 rocks it alright....on his face, that is. 

I totally wish I could've gotten a picture of him falling off the board and down the levy but he was crouched behind my fence....trying hard not to cry, while Dimwit 1 stood at the top of the levy laughing and asking, "Dude, are you alright?  Want me to call your mommy?"

Everyone needs a friend like Dimwit 1, don't you agree?


Dimwit 1 decides that surfing down the levy is for wusses.  He's gonna go for broke and sit backwards on a chair with wheels.

Dimwit 1:  Dude, watch this!
Dimwit 2:  Man, you're playing with fire, dude.

Last time I checked, taunting a hungry pit bull by eating a hamburger in front of him was considered playing with fire....not rolling down a levy backwards on a chair. 

I'm just sayin.


Dimwit 1:  Whoa...dude....how do I slow down?

Dimwit 2:  You're gonna crack your friggin head open, dude.  Just hop off the chair.

Huh?  WTF?  Hop off the chair?  Quick...someone call the producers of Jack Ass and tell them I've discovered two new stars for their next movie. 


Dimwit 1 survived with no obvious skull fractures.  After he picked the chair up and walked back up the levy, he and Dimwit 2 took off. 

But not before saying, "Dude, I thought I was gonna die, man". 


He should have to spend an entire day (a rainy one, at that) with my spawn after they've eating handfuls of Halloween candy.  That whole rolling-backwards-on-a-chair-down-a-levy stunt would suddenly seem like a cakewalk, in comparison.  

In closing, no one ever tells you how difficult parenting is and they most certainly "forget" to tell you about all the rights you have as a parent.  It's up to you to discover them on your own.

So people....go forth and exercise your rights as a parent. 

Believe it or not, your children will thank you for it.  Perhaps not today or tomorrow, though.

More than likely, it'll be when they have children of their own, who drive them to the brink of insanity after losing a $15 thermos, scowl at them for scarfing down their hard-earned Halloween candy or attempt a stupid-ass stunt that could result in "busting their junk".


The Boob Nazi said...

I wish I had kids so I could steal some of their candy right now.

Amanda@runninghood said...

This is hilarious! I like how you're keeping things real with your kids. The funniest thing about this blog post to me is that I totally imagine your thinking as a blogger when you saw those dumb ass dudes behind your house..you probably grabbed your camera and were like "this is awesome blog material!!" Thank you Dimwits for providing good blog meat!

wife.mom.nurse said...

LMBO girl! you just absolutely crack me up!

Major stupid ass stunts going on around there.

Oh, and that $15 thermos thing...my kids hear that kind of stuff from me all day long.

Mom Power!!!

Matty said...

Having three grown children, I can assure you that I exercised my parental rights more times than I can remember. Probably more times that THEY remember. LOL

And eating the Halloween candy was one of those rights. Of course, it was all in the name of safety. Of course.

Now, I don't remember doing anything like those kids, but I sure did some things that to this day make me appreciate still being alive. I look back and can't believe I did some of the things I survived.

Charlene said...

LMAO my brother and his friends used to do all those dumbass things, and laugh like idiots while doing it. One of them fell off his bike while doing a stunt and his ear was literally hanging off his head and they were all (including him) standing there laughing like morons)...dumbasses!

And hey, just think of all the cavities you are preventing eating all that candy for them!

FRANNIE said...

I've made the thermos threat many, many times.

Rebecca said...

Love this...dimwits were my life as I taught 8th grade...there's something wrong with those kids.

I think I'm going to draw up a Parents' Bill of Rights and frame it for my wall...what a good idea!

Megan said...

the sad part, those 2 dimwits will most likely be my boys as teenagers. *sigh*

The Mother said...

The Engineer was over for dinner last night. We were talking about my jury duty case where we took away a mom's children, and I was commenting on how terrible I'd look if they ever hauled me into court.

He laughed and volunteered to take the stand in my defense. Not bad, from my starter kid. I think I got better as I aged, like a fine wine. Or cheese.

singedwingangel said...

LMBO the dimwit friends remind me of Sinbd the comedian talking of being made to play outside as a kid. And how the games they played were guaranteed to tempt death. Narrowly escaping it and not wanting to admit to your parents what you were doing when you come crawling back home with a broke leg or a concussion..

Nezzy said...

Oh baby, did this Farm Chick ever exercise her right. Now, my little chickadees knew there would be a price to pay if ya didn't!!!

Although Geek Son would invent things on wheels usin' his little sis, Social Butterfly as the Guinna pig. He'd always convince her she'd become famous and go down in history...the shove her off the hill. Heeehehehe!

Don't ya know it's the rite of a parent to test all the candy. Somebody has got to make sure it's safe ya know? :o)

God bless ya sweetie an have a marvelous day!

Aimee said...

Dimwit's are everywhere. I gave birth to at least one...and yes, I excercised my right to kick his butt on a regular basis!

Love your blog!

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

Oh, my...I cannot believe you got those pictures from your back yard! That's entertainment!!!

And you definitely deserve all the Halloween candy your little heart desires. Eat up...I did! :)

Twins Squared said...

Hilarious!! Also makes me thankful I have girls! Well what do you know - there is something to make up for all the ridiculous drama afterall!

Yellow said...

Your neighborhood sounds like a lot of fun! I have silently sat by when Dino does something "dimwitted" in hopes that she will get hurt and learn NOT to do it again!

Eva Gallant said...

The best mommy right I ever exercised is when my boys were teenagers and I discovered I could hear their telephone conversations on the phone next to my bed without ever picking up the receiver. And it wasn't a speaker phone, it was just some kind of malfunction. The best part is that now that my youngest son has a teenager, he asked, "Do you still have that phone, Mom? I could really use it!"

Crossed Fingers said...

I am amazed at the stupid stuff people attempt to pull off. I wonder how the thought process went when they decided it was a good idea...

wonderchris said...

WOW - the chair with wheels, really!?! Yikes.

MiMi said...

Oh geez, the dimwits really irritate me. I'm glad they didn't break anything but then again I sorta wish they'd have maybe cracked something to learn their lesson. :)
The stuff you talk about with your kids is freakin hilarious!! Better find your 15 dollar thermos before mom finds out! LOL!!!

Kimberly said...

Oh Jackass, inspiring epic and adventurous ways on how to break bones.
I love being a mom ;)

Jen said...

Those stupid heads deserve every injury they come upon and then some. Dumb ass teens. ;)

Rhiannon said...

I would kick my kids butt for this! but dont tell them that i have dont the same STUPID things as a kid!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Parenting is tough but even tougher if you're parenting boys like those two. Nothing like wanting to end up in ER.

Anonymous said...

The dimwits scare me because I'm picturing my spawn being Just. Like. Them.

The Lane Family said...

Oh Helene,

I LOVE your blog it makes me laugh so hard and at the same time completely understand where you are coming from and I can oh..so agree about using our right as parents!!

The photo's were hiliarious and I so agree with you...Hello dimwits!!!!

Shell said...

Yes, it is definitely my right to eat as much of their candy as I please.

I LOVE that you took pics of the stupidity.

shortmama said...

Yeah my oldest whined when I went through her bucket and stole the two whole mini pieces of snickers in there. Dude you have 1000000 other pieces of candy!

Just Another Mom of 2 said...

You know what, the least they owe us is candy. We don't get to see their payback for years and years until they have kids. Bring on the snickers :)

Myne Whitman said...

Well what can I say, boys will always be boys or just children, lol. Dimwits indeed.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

LMAO!!! You totally should have broken out the videocam for those 2! You would be the winner of AFV!!

Boys are stupid. I can't wait to tell Tyler about this and see if he thinks surfing down the levy is a good idea.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Ah yeah! I so wish I could have been there to see Dimwits in person!
And? I would laugh about the $15 thermos, but you see? I bought my 4 year old a $25 winter hat, and am threatening the same thing.

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Seriously, I want to kick those kids asses - that is insane.
Love the candy - was caught just a few mere 30 min ago snacking on Halloween candy - my excuse - your bedtime is now and mine is later!

Mama Dub @ Life in the Dub Lane said...

It never fails that I laugh till I cry!
You are so great!

beemii said...

Amen Sista, we didn't go house to house out here, but I did take her too the zoo, one trunk or treat, and two church fall festivals....Damn Right Some of that Candy is mine. I love you girl, you make me laugh every time I'm here.

Tiffany said...

P's Halloween Candy was put up in the cupboard - out of sight = out of mind with this one. Which is great for me!

Holly at Tropic of Mom said...

Number one and number two -- totally! This has been my life this week!

Neighbors can make life soooo interesting.

Nancy said...

LOL at the dimwits... I'm afraid I have one spawn that has tendencies like those two dimwits. I shudder to think of what's to come. I'm incredibly thankful for insurance. Staples in the head this past summer... what's next?

Love your rights. I've been discovering more. The "anyone who finishes their dinner gets dessert" is one of my favorites... as I know my picky boys will NOT eat said dinner, so I get the dessert all to myself!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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