The other day I took the spawn to the mall to meet up with a friend and her kids. All was fine and dandy until Bella announced she had to go poop.
You're probably thinking, "So what? She had to go poop". What you don't get is that this child has to poop wherever we go. She has no fear of pooping in public bathrooms, whether it's at the park, school or at a restaurant.
Honestly, I think she just likes checking out public bathrooms. Everyone has their fetish, I suppose this is hers.
Anyway, moving on....so as I'm walking her to the bathroom, which is like 10 miles away, of course, we pass Santa Claus hanging out in his temporary new digs inside the food court.
Bella did a double take, as we walked past him. He waved at her, she waved back. All was copacetic.
On our way back to the play area, Santa caught her eye again. He waved, she waved back. Then she stopped and turned to me.
"Mommy," she said. "Is that the REAL Santa Claus?"
My brain began to sizzle as it tried to come up with something brilliant enough to appease her.
"Uh, yeah," I said. "Of course, he's the REAL Santa."
She looked at Santa and then back at me. "Well, how is it that he sent a video to Garrett and Landon yesterday from the North Pole and now he's HERE in the mall?"
Craptastic. Wonderful. Why does shit like this happen to me? And why did she pick NOW to bring this up?
She might as well have asked me where babies come from, because my mind was a blank slate....so totally not prepared to have this conversation with her just yet. She's only 6, for God's sake!! Let her believe in Santa for just a little while longer...please!
But she stood there, staring at me...waiting for an answer, some kind of answer which would help her little mind be at peace with all this.
"Well", I began. "You see, he can fly super fast because he has reindeers who eat their vegetables and so they're really strong and can fly wherever he needs to go. I mean, how else do you think the dude gets every single kid in the world presents in just a matter of ONE night? He has powers that you can't even imagine. Santa can be anywhere he wants to be in a short period of time because that's how he rolls."
I paused and looked down at her, praying she'd accept that lengthy explanation. Glancing at Santa one more time, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Whatever...."
Until later that night (of course)...this is the conversation I heard coming from her and Cole's room:
Bella: You know how I saw Santa today at the mall?
Bella: Well, I was confused because you know he sent Garrett and Landon a video yesterday from the North Pole....so how could he be THERE one day and then HERE the next day?
Cole: Did you ask Mommy?
Cole: What did she say?
Bella: I don't know. She said something about reindeers and vegetables. It made no sense so I was just like whatever.
Cole: But maybe the North Pole is really close to where we live.
Bella: No, I don't think it is. Because it snows there and it doesn't snow here.
Cole: Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe we should just get a book at the library next time we're there about how Santa travels so fast.
Bella: Yeah, we should. Then we can read it to her because I don't think Mommy really knows where Santa lives. I don't think she knows a lot of stuff.
Cole: That's mean to say.
Bella: But it's true.
Cole: Yeah, I know.
Someone needs to come up with a freakin' manual, people, for situations such as this. If the spawn have already figured out that I'm a total fraud when it comes to explaining shit like this, I might as well stop working so hard at coming up with exuberant explanations with the hopes of keeping them innocent awhile longer.
From now on, I'll just simply say, "Why don't you go ask your father?"
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