Monday, December 6, 2010

My kids think I have no clue...and they're probably right.

The other day I took the spawn to the mall to meet up with a friend and her kids.  All was fine and dandy until Bella announced she had to go poop.

You're probably thinking, "So what?  She had to go poop".  What you don't get is that this child has to poop wherever we go.  She has no fear of pooping in public bathrooms, whether it's at the park, school or at a restaurant. 

Honestly, I think she just likes checking out public bathrooms.  Everyone has their fetish, I suppose this is hers.

Anyway, moving as I'm walking her to the bathroom, which is like 10 miles away, of course, we pass Santa Claus hanging out in his temporary new digs inside the food court.

Bella did a double take, as we walked past him.  He waved at her, she waved back.  All was copacetic.

On our way back to the play area, Santa caught her eye again.  He waved, she waved back.  Then she stopped and turned to me.

"Mommy," she said. "Is that the REAL Santa Claus?"

My brain began to sizzle as it tried to come up with something brilliant enough to appease her.

"Uh, yeah," I said.  "Of course, he's the REAL Santa."

She looked at Santa and then back at me.  "Well, how is it that he sent a video to Garrett and Landon yesterday from the North Pole and now he's HERE in the mall?"

Craptastic.  Wonderful.  Why does shit like this happen to me?  And why did she pick NOW to bring this up? 

She might as well have asked me where babies come from, because my mind was a blank totally not prepared to have this conversation with her just yet.  She's only 6, for God's sake!!  Let her believe in Santa for just a little while longer...please!

But she stood there, staring at me...waiting for an answer, some kind of answer which would help her little mind be at peace with all this.

"Well", I began. "You see, he can fly super fast because he has reindeers who eat their vegetables and so they're really strong and can fly wherever he needs to go.  I mean, how else do you think the dude gets every single kid in the world presents in just a matter of ONE night?  He has powers that you can't even imagine.  Santa can be anywhere he wants to be in a short period of time because that's how he rolls."

I paused and looked down at her, praying she'd accept that lengthy explanation.  Glancing at Santa one more time, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Whatever...."

Whew...crisis averted.

Until later that night (of course)...this is the conversation I heard coming from her and Cole's room:

Bella:  You know how I saw Santa today at the mall?
Cole:  Yeah
Bella:  Well, I was confused because you know he sent Garrett and Landon a video yesterday from the North how could he be THERE one day and then HERE the next day?
Cole:  Did you ask Mommy?
Bella:  Yeah.
Cole:  What did she say?
Bella:  I don't know.  She said something about reindeers and vegetables.  It made no sense so I was just like whatever.
Cole:  But maybe the North Pole is really close to where we live.
Bella:  No, I don't think it is.  Because it snows there and it doesn't snow here.
Cole:  Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe we should just get a book at the library next time we're there about how Santa travels so fast.
Bella:  Yeah, we should.  Then we can read it to her because I don't think Mommy really knows where Santa lives.  I don't think she knows a lot of stuff. 
Cole:  That's mean to say.
Bella:  But it's true.
Cole:  Yeah, I know.

Someone needs to come up with a freakin' manual, people, for situations such as this.  If the spawn have already figured out that I'm a total fraud when it comes to explaining shit like this, I might as well stop working so hard at coming up with exuberant explanations with the hopes of keeping them innocent awhile longer.

From now on, I'll just simply say, "Why don't you go ask your father?" Registered & Protected


blueviolet said...

So everything that doesn't logic out in her mind is your fault. Love it!

Dancer4_1 said...

Wow! Ha ha.. I think I told a few of my kids that if they knew Santas secrets, then he wouldnt come to our house. I also told a few of them they are Helper santas..and now for the older ones 5 and up..They know that anyone can be a Santa, a Santa is someone who you dont know that gives you a gift. I let them play "santas" and pick one person to get a gift for in our family..although I think they end up tell each other who got who in the exchange! I have to admit though, you can come up with some good stuff quick! My answers are because and thats just the way it is..LoL!

Marianne said...

When they ask questions like this, answer with a question.
Ex: "Mommy, how was Santa in North Pole last night and here today?"

"Bella, how do YOU think Santa was in the North Pole last night, but is here today?"

Or do what I do, answer them using really long words that don't even make sense and talk really fast and eventually they just blink at you and skidaddle away.

Yep, I'm gonna be a great mom ;)

MommyLovesStilettos said...


My daughter is 7 and she's totally figured out the Santa thing this year. Kids are just too smart for their own good!

Yellow said...

I will never forget when my little sister at age 3 or 4 looked the checkout lady in the eyes and said "are you dumb? there is no such thing as Santa it's just some fat man".

I have a real issue with Santa and tell the kids every year he is not real. However, the kids at school make it hard to keep the truth up as it were! Part of me thinks kids are going to think we are full of it no matter what we tell them.

As for the restroom issues, DD is like that too. How some one can use a public restroom is beyond me.

Ashley said...

This is priceless, I love the conversation between them, so cute! Good try mom, I would have said the same thing.

Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Too funny! Geez, why are kids so smart!

The Mother said...

See, this is how you know you're raising kids who can THINK.

Which I believe is pretty darn important. Much more important than some moldy old pagan myth about red suited guys and charcoal.

Twins Squared said...

LOL!! And you're right - why hasn't someone come up with a book on this so we can all unify and get our stories straight? I would have said something like "I think it's the real Santa. Don't you?" Then when they ask questions like how does he do something I say things like "I don't really know." Then I remind them that all I know is that he doesn't come if you don't believe. Then they smile and quit asking.

I know - it makes me sad. Mackenzie asks me now and then if he's real or if I think he's real. :( Not ready for that yet. I'm going to be like my mom and never ever admit it, no matter how old they are.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Kids are so smart nowadays. I guess I was a total dummy, I believed in Santa until I was like, 21 or something.

Cindy said...

I just love these conversations between siblings - cracks me up something fierce! Those little buggers are smarter than we think.

My 6 y/o wanted to know if she was seeing the real Santa or his helper. I asked her what she thought and she thought it was the real deal - I agreed and elaborated on my theory, maybe a bit too much:)

As for the pooping in public, again, same 6 y/o is like that - never met a bathroom she didn't like or didn't poop in. Gross.

Kimberly said...

Whoa...wait...Santa isn't real?!
I do shit like that to my 2 year old like "No you can't watch Elmo. He's sleeping"
You're going to have to amp up your game by forging some documents and putting the word "Google" on top. Kids trust Google ;)

BigSis said...

HYSTERICAL! I'm pretty sure my son has used EVERY public restroom in Virginia. They really should get patches or badges or something for all that effort! said...

Poor Mom,
you missed Santa's memo that he dispatches Elves to be mall and party santas so he can keep working on his naughty and nice list...

MiMi said...

What?! They said that?! Yikes. Little turds.

ashley said...

I just love your kids! The things they think and say... Geez!

Jen said...

If this happens again, this is what you say. The mall Santa's are not real, they are Santa's helpers.

Our kids are going to believe in Santa FOREVER! We have an answer for everything.

Bwhahahahahahahahaha ;)

Eva Gallant said...

Ask Dad seems like the best bet! lol

Shell said...

Oh, I hate when my kids get me like that.

If I told them to go ask Daddy, he'd probably tell them the truth. We can't have that.

Rhiannon said...

im about to pee my pants. oh the lovely things i have to look forward to!

Nezzy said...

That Bella is a wise one, she probably wouldn't fall for it's just the magic of Christmas would she???

Sorry, but I'm cryin' here I'm laughin' so hard!

God bless ya and have an incredibly magic day!!!! :o)

melissa78 said...

I love reading your post, expecially when you write about conversations between your kids. lol

Ms Bibi said...

My youngest just reached the age when he got me figured out. I don't even try anymore,lol.

Karen Peterson said...

Oh, man!

You know what usually seems to work with my nephew? Instead of explaining things to him, I ask him what he thinks. Some of his answers are a lot of fun.

shortmama said...

Yeah Id refer them to dad too!

Natalie said...

Yeah, we think we are soooo smart, but I'm pretty sure they've got one up on us ;)

Rebecca said...

God, I HATE smart kids!!!!

There should be a manual for shit like this...let's write one.

Aimee said...

I think this is our last year for Santa and I am pretty sad about it. BUT the rule at our house is that when you stop believing he stops coming. I think Pickle is going with the flow from that stand point only at this point. He is 9. It was a great ride while it lasted!

Love love love your stories! Your children are very funny!

MJ Lamon said...

It is stories like this that I think that I will just save myself the stress of trying to keep the story of Santa alive and just tell my children that the Easter Bunny ate him! Helene, I love your blog. I have two sets too and it is crazy!!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Elijah and I had a similar conversation to yours last night. I have the feeling he things I'm an idiot too.

Jenna said...

So funny!! I would be uhhhh, too. She is just to smart for her own good.

Mighty M said...

I always say "I'm not sure why don't you ask Santa that himself the next time you talk?". Let Santa figure it all out!!

Nobodys Nothings said...

oh my, i love that! so funny. i'm facing awkward questions from my son this year too, but he's 8 years old now. he's not very cynical by nature, so i've been able to keep up the charade, but i don't know how much longer this is gonna last!

Heather said...

They are so funny. My friend's daughter tells her mom to just google it : )

Jenny said...

LOL, I think asking Dad will be a great idea!

Creative Junkie said...

I always used to tell my kids that the mall Santas were just the real Santa's helpers because he was too busy at the North Pole to down here anytime before Christmas Eve.

This year my youngest (at almost 10!) finally learned the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, leprechauns and the Tooth Fairy.

Sigh. It's a whole new world. And not necessarily in a good way.

Tiffany said...

Oh man. I'm so not ready for this. I can tell Prayse that 2+2=17 if I really wanted to! we'll talk about it for an hour but she'll either accept it or get bored w/ it. What happens when she's starts to question my reasons?? I'm in trouble.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Helene. One word. Magic. Gets you off the hook everytime.

Buckeroomama said...

Oh, Helene --Z is so like Bella in that she seems to HAVE to try out every single public washroom wherever we go!

Both J and Z were totally in awe and filled with wonder when they say their videos from Santa... and so far they haven't started the tricky questions yet, thank goodness! Bella is just too smart! :)

Jessica said...


I LOVE to hear what the kids say about me behind my back,,,it is always the best!

I figure that if the children are alive when my husband gets home at the end of the day, I've done my job.

----Roseanne Barr

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